outofideas Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Ill start with a little about me first. I am 30 and have recently moved from the east coast to Indianapolis. I bought a house for my wife and 3 boys, so they would have a good upbringing in a decent area. My wife and I have been married 4 1/2 yrs. My kids are 4,3,1. I love my wife very much. My issue is how she feels/shows it. As not at all. LOL. I do believe she loves what i do for her, but not me. Ill provide some background. I work for the railroad doing all types of crafts from foreman to welder, to just getting it. I have worked there as long as we have been married. She is a stay at home mom, with an aspiring business. She does ok with it id say. We cant leave off of it or pay bills with it, or at least she doesnt. So with the railroad you can work close to home and do ok, or travel and get extra tax free money (a good bit). So I have done a little traveling. Not really an issue although it dont help. So here is my rant. The obvious guy thing first. My wife and I have had sex 2 times in the past yr. July and November. I have always tried to help my wife as much as possible. I am not saying in anyway that I am a saint. I am not great with money and in the past had issues with lies about real dumb stuff. I have tried my hardest to correct both, although the $ issue I feel is genetic. My Dad sucks with $. Anyway, when I am working close to home and will be there every night. I come home and make dinner and take control of the children for her to get quiet time/ do her work. Ill put the 2 big ones to bed. I have just recently stopped sleeping in their room. We are very attachment type parents but they are just too big. And I cant stand my wife referring to the king size bed and master br as her room/bed. On the weekends I get up with the kids and let my wife sleep. Usually just Saturday as we go to church on Sunday at 11. I am usually ok with it. It has bothered me in the past, but for no particular reason then jealousy of wanting to sleep past 10 (the latest i have slept in yrs) once. I will make breakfast, lunch, and dinner 95% of the time on the weekends. Along with all the kids and my laundry, the grocery shopping every other week. She usually has to work or go to a store or something. So I am with the kids most of the time. After they go to bed she usually will sit on the computer till she is tired and will then go to bed. So on the weekends and weeknights while at home I am in charge of most the family duties. I do travel some. If I go it is Mon-Thurs. I would be off on Friday. On those weeks she sleeps on Fri and Sat. I love spending time with my kids and love them to death. They are a challenge. My wife loves the computer. She is in front right now. She runs a proboards site for mothers. And is a member of a bunch, and lately has been all about facebook. I on the other hand love fantasy baseball (I know gay right). But would prefer time with her to the puter. So I had told her this. So now she watches a movie with me once a week or so. I am maxxed out. I tell her I want her to show some desire for love. She tells me that it will never happen, she isnt wired that way. She in the past has told me to go and get a girlfriend, and that all the times we did it before we were married she was drunk and since then I have forced her. She is 100% asexual. I dont at all suspect an affair. I want some appreciation. Not just sex though. Since the last time we had sex I have read her a hand written love letter on my knee, and just 2 weeks ago. Laid out rose petals all over the floor and lined a path with candles. Laid the other 11 roses on a bed on the floor and offered a message. She said it was all about sex, I told her I wouldnt make a move. And I didnt. When I was done she looked at me and said "I guess we have to have sex now. I would feel guilty if we didnt". I told her to go to bed. The most loving appreciation I think I have I ever gotten from here is this Valentines day. She gave me a card that said I appreciate you. That was the biggest slap in the face to me. She didnt understand why. I have had her say she dont love me like that. It hurts, I dont know how to fix it. But in the same breathe she will tell me she wants to try and have another baby in2010. I think WTF do I look like. I feel like a babysitting chef sperm donor. I want her to do something romantic for me. I want her to say, maybe he wants to sleep in. Nothing big just gestures. I know that 3 kids affects a woman. I am not joking myself on what is possible. I know her sex drive still will suck. I just want something. Not a card. I think that is a big insult. Oh and after she gave me the card we were kissing (closed lips, havent kissed any other way in 6 months) and I tried to make a move. She replied are you trying to make out with me? Oh there will be none of that. LOL. I am sorry for going on and on. I have never posted on anything like this. I am interested in finding a board with guys like me. Something like she has I guess. Since I have now adapted to life late night on the puter. Ill take any suggestions. Thanks if you actually read the whole thing.
seibert253 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 You've laid it out pretty good on how you feel, but have you told your wife what you just told us? You need to sit her down, without the distraction of the kids, and tell her all you've told us. Tell her there are problems in your marriage you wish to discuss. If she opens up, I bet you'll find there are things you are doing that also bothers her. If she's willing, marriage counseling will help tremendously. Without some help I think your relationship is on a sinking ship.
LovieDove24 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Since the last time we had sex I have read her a hand written love letter on my knee, and just 2 weeks ago. Laid out rose petals all over the floor and lined a path with candles. Laid the other 11 roses on a bed on the floor and offered a message. She said it was all about sex, I told her I wouldnt make a move. And I didnt. When I was done she looked at me and said "I guess we have to have sex now. I would feel guilty if we didnt". I told her to go to bed. Wow. She sounds like a zombie/robot wife from everything you've said. I'd assume you're having a more romantic relationship with your hand at this point. She is using you for a comfortable existence. Shes living a damn cozy life from where I see it. Lets see, she gets a nice roof over her head, can dabble with an online "job," have someone to take care of the kids at the drop of a hat, have a chef, a maid and a man to shower her with flowers, love and affection. I want to give you some advice but before I do, I'd like you to answer a question or two that I have for you: 1) How does your wife show love and affection towards your children? 2) Do you think she can change and be more loving and affectionate with you? 3) Do you think that she can changeand help out more around the house and with the kids? 4) And lastly, will you be happy with your present situation for the rest of your life if she doesn't change? You sound like a fantastic guy. Quite honestly, the perfect husband. The true definition of love is "self sacrifice" and it sounds like you've nailed it in this relationship. The question is, has she? Doesn't appear like she is sacrificing one minute, one helping hand, not even an "I love you." Hmmm... Let me know the answers to the questions I asked and I'll give you my suggestion.
Author outofideas Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 1) How does your wife show love and affection towards your children? Hugs and Kisses. 2) Do you think she can change and be more loving and affectionate with you? She has said that is not how she is wired. It builds up in side of me (anger) towards her. I eventually take it out on here in some other way. Like yesterday she sid i did something, but she was wrong. In the past 2 days I have pushed her away. She said she thinks I depressed. I said I should be about you. 3) Do you think that she can changeand help out more around the house and with the kids? She does cook once in a while.She did tonight, because i was digging in the back yard. But it is not often. She thinks that my time at work is like a break from kids, etc. 4) And lastly, will you be happy with your present situation for the rest of your life if she doesn't change? NO it makes me sad. I am not the perfect husband, Im sure I have tilted the story towards me a little. But I am close
LovieDove24 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 1) How does your wife show love and affection towards your children? Hugs and Kisses. 2) Do you think she can change and be more loving and affectionate with you? She has said that is not how she is wired. It builds up in side of me (anger) towards her. I eventually take it out on here in some other way. Like yesterday she sid i did something, but she was wrong. In the past 2 days I have pushed her away. She said she thinks I depressed. I said I should be about you. 3) Do you think that she can changeand help out more around the house and with the kids? She does cook once in a while.She did tonight, because i was digging in the back yard. But it is not often. She thinks that my time at work is like a break from kids, etc. 4) And lastly, will you be happy with your present situation for the rest of your life if she doesn't change? NO it makes me sad. I am not the perfect husband, Im sure I have tilted the story towards me a little. But I am close The reason I asked the question about the kids was to verify what I already thought. You see, if she truly was "wired that way" she wouldn't know how to express love at all, and yes that means even with her own children. You might be thinking "Well she's their mother" but women who are truly emotionally disconnected...aka "wired that way"... do not distinguish one from another. She is witholding sex, love and affection, but its plain to see that she is capable of it in some avenues. What I see is her saying she is not wired that way is purely an avoidance tactic. It is covering something much deeper that needs to be dug out. Maybe its that she is not in love with you anymore but does not want to hurt you, or worse, does not want to lose her cozy lifestyle. Have you attended marriage counseling yet to get to the real meaning behind her "wired" comments? I'd highly suggest it. You need to have a serious discussion with possible options for your future and then, most importantly FOLLOW THROUGH on the best avenue chosen. Tell her that she needs to tell the truth: is it really HER that cannot love, or is it just YOU that she is not in love with? If its the first oner, then I think you need to hit the bricks. You yourself even stated in the #4 question that you could not continue to live like this indefinitely. If this really is the case suggest she get a roommate, a blow up doll or a dog. Marriage is synonomous with love, caring and work. Shes obviously not into any of those things. If, however, she fesses up and states that she its just YOU in fact, I actually believe there may be some hope. Call me crazy but it may be possible to rekindle the initial spark she saw in you. Roses and love poems tend to make most womens knees weak, but obviously this is not the case for your wife. Try and find what really makes her tick and see what comes of it. If none of this works I'd say you can wipe your hands clean of the situation and sit confidently in your decision to divorce. You've done alot already, and these would/will be the finishing icing on the cake.
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