lostsunsets Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 If I may. Find a room for rent close by. See how it goes for a while. You can get an apartment later. There are tons of people looking for room mates in these times. Next, tell her that you want the whole truth. And that you want her to take a polygraph test. Find a local service, print out its information and tell her that you have set an appointment for you both to go in. Tell her its the truth, a polygraph, or you're out of there. Tell her by what she has written, she has already cheated. So she might as well come clean. She will probably spill the beans. If she won't take it, you know she has had sex with one or more men.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 So try to understand this cuz I couldn't. So I asked her if she had to give up her job or our relationship, what would she give up. Her answer, "that's a tough one". WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! She says she would not want to lose our relationship because she doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time she does not want to lose her job because she doesn't want to not be able to provide for our son. What the F kind of reasoning is that? She'll try to tell me how much she loves me so very much and that my son and I are the love her life and the only things that are right. I just don't understand how some women can be so twisted. I know this sucks to hear, but being a good father means being a good role model. You need to take decisive action. Your wife acts the way she does because you are NOT RESPECTABLE. Basically as long as you act like a pussy, she is going to continue to treat you like one. She gets mad when you ask questions to make you back down. She doesn't want to quit her job because she doesn't have to! Do you understand what I am saying here? Your not dealing with someone who respects the sensitive guy, touchy feely approach. I think your afraid! You are afraid of losing this relationship... and its neutered you. This stuff about losing your son is a smokescreen. Your not going to die, your not going to stop seeing him. You should start reading Marriage Busters, and some of the other self help resources out there. I just don't think you are approaching this in the right way! You need to get your power back!
Stockalone Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 And the part about me not getting what I want so therefore I don't want her to have what she wants does not reference anything illega. I just don't think this guy (her boss or whoever else it is) knows about me or our son. Which I don't think he cares anyway. I am sorry for that. I probably got carried away. I have a very vindictive side and was letting that part of me do the thinking. I know it's just a matter of time before this guy moves on to the next best thing and leave her watching just like the other girls. I just want to make that happen sooner rather than later. It's not about revenge either. If that were the case, I would pretend to forgive her and then cheat on her and see her go through the pain. I'm not that type, I don't want to be the cause of her pain. I don't understand how that helps you, but I really don't have to. If you believe that it helps you, why not give it a try. But I am not sure how you would could speed things up here. Anyway, so she tried talking with me tonite, but as usual lately, she got upset. It makes me so mad that she messed up but yet can still get mad at me for all the questions I have. I just don't understand her reasoning any more. Think of her as a spoiled child. You took her favourite toy (the affair) away when you disvocered what she has been up to. And now she no longer gets to play with that toy and is mad at you. So try to understand this cuz I couldn't. So I asked her if she had to give up her job or our relationship, what would she give up. Her answer, "that's a tough one". WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! She says she would not want to lose our relationship because she doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time she does not want to lose her job because she doesn't want to not be able to provide for our son. What the F kind of reasoning is that? You need to think about what you want (a break-up or reconciliation) and then you need to do whatever it takes to make that happen. If you want to break up with her because you no longer trust her, then tell her that it is over. If you want to break up with her, then go see a lawyer about what that means for you and your relationship with your son. Know your options. That she wants to keep her source of income is understandable, but no longer an option if you decide that you want to try to salvage your relationship. Not after what she and her boss did. She has only two options. If her boss blackmailed her into doing stuff, then tell her to sue him. I am sure she won't do that, because I very much doubt that is what happened. Her other option is to quit her job and never ever talk to her boss again after that. Those are her only options and she needs to understand that you won't back down. She must be nuts to think that you (or any other man for that matter) would have no problem with his gf working with a boss that she has had an affair (at least an EA, very likely a PA) with. Frankly, it doesn't sound like your gf is understanding the gravity of her situation. And I have to agree with Untouchable_Fire, I think she is counting on you not to leave her. That is why she is showing hardly any remorse, nor the will to work with you. Instead, she minimizes the incident and gets mad at you when you bring it up. She hopes or maybe even expects to get away with a slap on the wrist and refuses to face what she has done and she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions. You need to tell her that she is sorely mistaken if she believes that will work. If she continues with this, you need to walk away and she needs to believe you. That means, you need to be prepared to make good on your threat. If there is a reconciliation, it needs to be on your terms. It can't be on hers.
Author hurt4life Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Those are her only options and she needs to understand that you won't back down. She must be nuts to think that you (or any other man for that matter) would have no problem with his gf working with a boss that she has had an affair (at least an EA, very likely a PA) with. Please forgive the ignorance hear, I assume you mean emotional and physical affair right? People around here reffer to OP and I think SO and others. Someone please help shed the light on what these all mean. Thanks
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Please forgive the ignorance hear, I assume you mean emotional and physical affair right? People around here reffer to OP and I think SO and others. Someone please help shed the light on what these all mean. Thanks Sorry if my earlier post sounded harsh. I just wanted to get you fired up a bit... not hurt your feelings. I re-read it and it sounds meaner than I meant it. SO = Signifigant Other OP = Original Poster (You)
Stockalone Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Please forgive the ignorance hear, I assume you mean emotional and physical affair right? People around here reffer to OP and I think SO and others. Someone please help shed the light on what these all mean. Thanks Sorry for that, when I first got here, there were many acronyms and abbreviations I didn't know. But you got EA and PA right. Commonly used acronyms and abbreviations used on the forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms Though there are not all that are being used on here listed, it's a good start.
Author hurt4life Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 So here's where I'm at. I've thought about finding a place around the area but haven't told her yet. We talked some more last night and still not everything makes sense. I'm trying to let go but it's so hard. I found myself blaming myself for maybe pushing her to do what she did. Not that I treat her bad or don't show affection towards her. My love for her has always been true and have done all that I can for her. It just seems it was not good enough. I'm still stuck on what to really do for now.
lostsunsets Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Hurt4life, you did not bring this on. But you are setting the stage for a repeat. Everything you do now will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. You are teaching her which buttons to push to keep you in line and her skirt up with other guys. Find a room, move out. Do you know what an enabler is? If there is no consequence. You're sending her a message that you will support her cheating. You say your love isn't good enough. If its not then move on. Find someone who your love is good enough for. Please, every minute you stay there and give her the impression that her screwing other men. Or even threeways with men that her frigging boss brings with him, that she doesn't even frigging know, tells you that she is a cheating skank. But that is up to you. If you can take her cuckolding you with multiple men, then I am afraid you will be less of a person and respect yourself less. And she will not respect you at all. Please, inform us regarding your discussions so that we can give an opposing view, if you would like.
Author hurt4life Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 ........... and her skirt up with other guys. Those words and all the other things she has said to this guy gets me so fired up with anger and hatred. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about what she is doing with him/them. I wish I could get it out of my head and just let go.
lostsunsets Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Those words and all the other things she has said to this guy gets me so fired up with anger and hatred. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about what she is doing with him/them. I wish I could get it out of my head and just let go. Let go of what? Her or the expectation that she will stop screwing around. What do you want? You have no power over her. All you can do is pull away and see if that has an effect. If not, she is doing you a favor, because you don't want her anyway.
Author hurt4life Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Let go of what? Her or the expectation that she will stop screwing around. What do you want? You have no power over her. All you can do is pull away and see if that has an effect. If not, she is doing you a favor, because you don't want her anyway. Honestly, I want to be able to let go of the pain of being true to someone and having them betray you. I wish I could let go of her but I've always been in love with her. I'm still in love with her, but I know my love for her now has been tainted. What I want is her but not the cheating and betrayal. I can see I can't have one without the other. Life sucks. I wonder if anyone has had situations like this where it did get better by staying together? Am I fooling myself? Someone please give me hope.
lostsunsets Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 You are asking her to be sympathetic, To put herself in your position. But if she was sympathetic she wouldn't be trying to have sex with multiple men. That is why leaving is the only way to let her experience loss and then make a decision. But how long would that decision last?
Author hurt4life Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 At first I was searching for that, for her to understand how I feel if she were in my shoes. She was in a way by saying she never meant to hurt me. But how could she think that by cheating, she wasn't going to hurt me. She was betting on the fact that I wouldn't find out. I accepted that, just very very briefly. All I really needed was and still is for her to show me she could love me and want me again, and only me, but the thought of her wanting to be with someone else and giving herself to him is just too painful. Nothing is right anymore. I feel like I can just give up on love. I think that is were I'm headed, don't know if I can trust love anymore.
imagine Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 You are not married. She has no security or she does not want it. You have no security to chat with the boss. I'm sure that she will be disappointed later.
Stockalone Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 At first I was searching for that, for her to understand how I feel if she were in my shoes. She was in a way by saying she never meant to hurt me. But how could she think that by cheating, she wasn't going to hurt me. She was betting on the fact that I wouldn't find out. I accepted that, just very very briefly. Did she have the gall to actually say that? If yes, she will cheat another time, she will just be more careful about it, trying to hide it from you. And given that she not only wanted her boss, but other random men () she didn't even know, I think she would do it again if given the chance. But I am biased, I wouldn't trust a cheater. So keep that in mind. With that being said, there are cases where people rebuild their relationship after a betrayal. I don't understand why some men forgive, but it happens. But you need to be honest with yourself here. Are you willing to live the rest of your life knowing what she has done? Even if you forgive her, you will always know what she did. And another thing, what has your gf done to make you believe that she won't do it again? Has she quit her job yet? Has she shown remorse instead of just being sorry for getting caught? What does it look like to you? Have you told her what you need from her now? And what do you want her to do? I don't want to pressure you. When you are ready, you will make a decision. But you will eventually need to decide on a course of action (break-up, stay together, go to councelling, have her quit her job, etc.) and stick to it. I believe that cheaters are like bullies. They only respond to strength. You can't appeal to them to show mercy. Your gf would eat you alive and keep doing what she is doing. If she doesn't have to fear consequences, she will probably go back to "what you don't know won't her you and if you know and condone it by doing nothing, she will probably think it's okay to do it as long as she is more discreet about it." All I really needed was and still is for her to show me she could love me and want me again, and only me, but the thought of her wanting to be with someone else and giving herself to him is just too painful. Nothing is right anymore. I feel like I can just give up on love. I think that is were I'm headed, don't know if I can trust love anymore. I would suggest that she moves in with family until you decide what you want. You are only torturing yourself with this. Coming home, looking at her and having all those conflicting thoughts in your head. You aren't married, so it is still "easy" to get out of the relationship. Sorry if that sounds callous. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck.
lostsunsets Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Hurt, you need to put the onus back on her. You need to look for a polygraph tester. You need to download their information. Then you need to tell her that you want to move past this. And that if it was only an EA or cybersex. This will be her chance to prove it to you, that she wasn't lying about a physical affair. Tell her this. "I know you want to get past this as much as I do, for the sake of our son and future, so I just set up and appointment for us to go down there and take the test." This is simple. She will do one of three things. 1. She will jump at the chance to clear things up and get this over. 2. She will refuse to do it, which means she has had sex with other men. 3. She will confess, to avoid being hooked up to it and asked questions she can't control. All you have to do is make her believe you have set the appointment. You can even tell her that she will need to speak with the tester before the actual test. This is the one way to help you decide. Please consider it. Tell her the polygraph test is not a 2x4 to hit her upside the head about what she has done. But that you look at it as a way to make a fresh start. So that you can trust her again. Tell her she should jump at the chance.
Author hurt4life Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Okay, so the silence and the distance between us has definitely gotten worse. I know I need to do something soon, the pain only gets worse. So I pulled the lie detector test on her and she was scared at first but then got mad. I knew she wouldn't. She said she didn't kill anyone so why should she and also that "if you want to work on us and make things better, you need to just let this go..." Like it's that frikin easy. So there is obviously something she is still not being truthful about. She tries to trick me by telling me she still loves me, she didn't mean to hurt me, and she doesn't want anybody else. It is such bull***** now that I hate hearing those words from her.
In Like Flynn Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 So my girlfriend and I have been together for two years now, and we have a beautiful little boy who is about to turn one next month. First off this relationship took off way too quickly. Had a kid within months of knowing each other etc. Second why did you move from a good paying job to this one? Third is this OM married? With his reputation that your wife said he slept with alot of girls from his office.....she needs to quit immediately!! Threaten to send copies of the emails to his boss, especially if office computers were used. Fouth take a deep breath and step back for a second. Your know they had a very sexual email but nothing about any physical affair. Chances are you caught it before it did.
lostsunsets Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Okay, so the silence and the distance between us has definitely gotten worse. I know I need to do something soon, the pain only gets worse. So I pulled the lie detector test on her and she was scared at first but then got mad. I knew she wouldn't. She said she didn't kill anyone so why should she and also that "if you want to work on us and make things better, you need to just let this go..." Like it's that frikin easy. So there is obviously something she is still not being truthful about. She tries to trick me by telling me she still loves me, she didn't mean to hurt me, and she doesn't want anybody else. It is such bull***** now that I hate hearing those words from her. A couple of points. You now know that she has had sex with him/them. You just don't know how many hookups she has had. So at least you do have more info to base a decision on. She tells you "if you want to work on us and make things better, you need to just let this go..." This statement trivializes both what she has done and your relationship. Because your love was not that important her and this statement confirms that. It also says that you should just forgive her without knowing the whole matter. Now for my advice, Look for a place to live immediately. If you are still living there she has not felt the consequence of what she has done. And can sweep it under the rug with your pain. Here is what you say. Tell her " I am leaving you. You hurt me very deeply. And though I hoped for a reconciliation, your "just let it go" comment tells me that you just don't think what you did was that serious. You say you wanted to put this behind us. But since there is obviously more that went on, and since you're still lying about it and covering up, I can't "just let it go". I don't understand you. You seem to want to reconcile. You tell me you love me and that you are sorry. Yet you refuse to be honest with me. Why? Do you think that by not telling me the truth on the whole matter, that it in some way makes me want to stay? Is it because you are afraid I will leave? Look at me, I am leaving. The cheating was bad enough but your silence on the matter tells me that you cannot be honest and open with me in the future, so that if possible, we could put this behind us. Regarding the polygraph suggestion, you looked really scared and then you got angry. Why? Because you know there is still stuff you haven't been honest about and you're afraid. I understand your fear. But if I can't believe that you will be honest with me. How do I know that you won't lie to me again in the future? Or do this again for that matter. You may not want to tell me because you feel that it will hurt me worse. The lying and not knowing hurts me worse. How could I forgive what has happened, if I don't know what happened. I don't do blanket absolutions. I can't move forward thinking about the past. So, now is the time to tell me everything. That is if you do expect any possibility of a reconciliation." Print this off. Sit her down and read it to her. But before you do. Tell her that you don't want any yelling or screaming. You want her to be honest and adult about it.
lostsunsets Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 This is a classic letter to a cheating spouse about full disclosure. This may also help. "To Whomever, "I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes. "You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have. "Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it. "So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe your actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier. "So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."
Author hurt4life Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Those are very helpful words in your letters. I did plan on writing her something just for the fact that I need her to know exactly how I feel...If I don't and when we talk, I will not get the chance to say all I need to say. Once I do have it, I might post it and see what you and everyone else thinks before I go ahead and tell her.
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