Is taking a break the answer?

[melz]

Sorry, this is pretty long. My fiance (26) and I (24) have been together for 16.5 months, engaged for just over 4. We set a wedding date (Feb 2010) and started planning. We moved in together 2 months ago. Everything has been fine - up until 3 or so weeks ago. His mood started going really downhill, he seemed so distant all of a sudden. I didn't give it too much thought, until he sent me a text message a couple weeks ago saying "I'm so confused, I need to sort some stuff out". I prompted him when he got home, wondering if it was something to do with our wedding. I was right, he admitted he had cold feet and was just being a chicken, he'd get over it.

 

I was so upset. I asked if we still had a future, to which he replied we did. He said he's been thinking that we're moving too fast, then the next minute he's thought "Nah, it'll all be ok". The other night while talking I asked him if he wants to get married. He said he did. I asked if he still wants to marry me... and he said "I'd like to think it was you". Next day he told me he didn’t want to end things, but he wanted to call the wedding off, and he desperately needed to sort through his thoughts.

 

The confusion and non-communication continued until this Thursday just passed, when a friend of mine said she saw him leave the gym about an hour earlier than normal and drive off. I instantly thought infidelity, as there is a girl who really likes him. I confronted him when he arrived home. He said he didn’t want to tell me this, but as much as he loves and cares for me, he doesn’t feel like he’s IN LOVE with me anymore.

 

Cue lots of tears. He said he THOUGHT it was love. He says he knows what love feels like, because he was deeply in love with his ex GF (who cheated on him) and he can't understand why he doesn't have those SAME feelings and so much more for me, because I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. I told him that people feel different types of love for different people, and he is foolish to hope that he'll feel the same type of love for me, that he felt for his ex. He can't tell me he's never been in love with me, otherwise he would never have said or done 99% of the things he has in the past. He has a lot of trouble with his memory because of medication he takes. He only remembers bits and pieces.

 

I feel some of the problem may be that we've spent so much time together over the past 6-8 months, building steadily until the point we were living together, that we've forgotten what it's like to be apart and to miss each other. His mother has suggested he go to visit his family in Australia for a few weeks, and not contact me at all, to see if abscence really does make the heart grow fonder. Neither my or his family want to see the end of us.

 

He doesn’t us to be over either. His mother told me he keeps turning up at her workplace or home in tears and wanting to talk. He keeps telling me he hopes this sorts itself out, and he finds that little thing he feels is missing. He wants to feel the same love for me that I feel for him. He says he hopes he comes crawling back to me, begging for forgiveness. He's struggling so much with his thoughts right now, as am I.

 

I'm hoping time apart will fix things, but I understand that taking time out may mean he'll never come back, or may only come back as a friend. He’s going back to his mother’s in two days time. The time apart is a mutual thing. We're going to go a few weeks without contact, building up to occasional contact, until we feel happy about going on a 'date' together. Basically like starting again, only taking things much slower this time.

 

Thoughts, etc?

[carhill]

Two things...

 

It's not normal to lose memory. What medication is he taking? I'd suggest that he consult his doctor about side-effects, both physical and emotional. Crying to mommy isn't normal either for a man. Is he on some sort of a SSRI?

 

You're engaged. Get PMC. Lay it out in front of a counselor and deal with it. You'll learn a lot of really good relationship tools there.

 

 

I don't have any experience with "time apart" when dating or being engaged, but can tell you it's a sure-fire way to kill a marriage if things aren't healthy. I wouldn't suggest it unless both of you are taking proactive measures to continue to work on the relationship and bring you back together as a couple.

[melz]

He takes Sodium Valproate (for Epilepsy). He has always said it impairs his memory, but I don't know for sure. Speaking of SSRI's... I do wonder sometimes if he may well be depressed and in denial. I suggested he see his doctor to speak about the way he was feeling, but he just said "I don't think he'll be able to help".

 

I would be more than happy to go for Pre-Marital Counselling. He has spoken a few times to his sister who is a marriage counsellor. Unfortunately I have not, as she lives overseas and I don't have a contact number for her.

 

We definately want to work on things, and this was why we've decided on time apart. Seems everyone close to him suggested the same thing when they heard all the problems he'd been having. We're going to lay down some ground rules before he leaves, so there's no confusion there about who contacts who first, what we can and can't do, and such.

 

I guess it kills me most knowing that the decision on our future rests with him. Funnily enough, my mother had a talk with him, and it turns out he wants the time and space to work out his feelings because he wants no regrets. He doesn't want me to move on, then he finds he regrets everything he's done, and by then it's too late.

 

At the same time it's like, he wants me to hang around, so I'm there if he decides to go "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya..."

 

You can see why I'm confused. Sheesh.

[Beautiful Inside]

omg im so sorry your going through this love, i wish and hope things work out for you. i know its such a scary feeling knowing that you dont know where anything stands and what will be the final outcome.... its so weird how guys can go from loving you so much one day to suddenly their love seems to just slowly fade away like it was almost never there to begin with ....i just dont get it...its so scary this is why people are afraid to fall in love am i right?.... awww man i feel for yah girl i hope things work out for you guys

[carhill]

Something sounds off to me. Let me sleep on it.....

 

I can say it's unfair to leave you in limbo like this, especially without proactive measures on his part. He's controlling the whole thing right now.

 

Has he had any seizures lately? Even mild ones where his eyes go blank for a number of seconds? I'm just curious. Any other stresses in his life?

[melz]

Yes, he is controlling the whole thing right now, and I definitely feel like I'm living in limbo. At the moment it's getting quite late, he's been gone for 8.5 hours, with only one text message in that time to say he was having dinner at his mother's place. It sometimes feels like he's stopped caring, despite him constantly telling me he cares very deeply for me. I'm putting the lack of communication down to the fact his mind is probably swimming right now.

 

Now that you mention it carhill, yes, he's had a couple of moments over the past two days. First was Friday night. He stayed with his mother overnight, got pretty much zero sleep, worked on Saturday, then had to rush to his mother's (which was closer, instead of coming home) because he felt twitchy like a seizure was coming on. Second was later on Saturday, when he decided to come home. It took an hour to make a 15 minute trip. He said as he was driving he lost the sensation in his right hand and arm. It started tingling, and went up the side of his face. He had to pull over and rest. He put it down to exhaustion interfering with his condition.

 

I think work stresses him out a bit. He doesn't enjoy it very much at all. I think the fact I'm also job-hunting is stressful for him, as we're living on his wage. He's brought up his worries about our financial situation multiple times before.

 

Maybe that could be part of why he's so off right now? I'd probably be stressed myself if the tables were turned and we were living off just my wage.

[carhill]

Has this happened before in your relationship? What's the same now as in the past? What's different? That's what I'd look at.

 

LTR's/marriages are always going to have challenges. It's how the couple approaches those challenges as a team which defines the health of their union.

 

Is he native Australian, born and raised there? I ask because IME the culture there is a bit different than in the U.S. (presuming that's where you live). That could explain his interactions with his mother and emotional outbursts to some extent. I find Aussie men to be a lot more open emotionally with other men and many I know are very close to their mothers (and family in general).

 

OK, if he goes, I'd suggest not going total NC, but rather doing LC with topical interest (no "deep" subjects) and see where it goes. When he returns, if he is still wanting to be engaged and with you, ask him to join you in PMC so you can work on this together. I wouldn't marry him without getting counseling.

[melz]

No, this hasn't happened before. It's the first 'major' issue we've encountered together. The only differences I can think of are:

 

1. We used to go out most weekends without fail and enjoy fun activities together (which we haven't done since end-November) and 2. We moved in together (mid-January)

 

I asked him about his feelings when all this went down, and he said he started having niggly little doubts not long after he proposed (early November) but he brushed them off as a fear of the unknown, marriage, cold feet, etc. He said in mid-February it started getting quite bad (around the time I noticed the behaviour change). When all this came out he admitted he wished it hadn't, he was hoping to work through it all in his head without me ever knowing. Hmmm, I don't like the sound of that. But then again, he said it was because he knew it'd hurt me, and he didn't want to do that.

 

Last night when he finally came home from his 'outing' (more than 10 hours after he left) he was strangely upbeat. He said that he'd been doing lots of thinking, he even went for a long walk in an area he didn't know; he parked his car in a side street, remembered the name, and went walking. He said "I'm being really positive about this time apart, I reckon that it'll be just what we need to help to fix things". He gave me a big hug, a kiss on the forehead, gathered up some clothes, and went back to his mother's.

 

No, we're from New Zealand, but half his family live in Aussie. He's never been known to be this open emotionally before, but yes, he's very close to both his mother and grandmother.

 

I'll definitely be seeking PMC when he returns. It's the only way we can be sure about our future long-term.

[carhill]

OK, thanks for the update and clarifications. This isn't as dramatic as I first thought. However, I'd be observant of those "upbeat" moments/levels of energy and how timely they are. It is possible (I'm not going to say "probable") he is getting validated elsewhere and bringing that energy back home. IMO, be positive but watchful. The sooner you both get everything out on the table in PMC, the better. During this time, focus on growing your own life and relationships. Keep us posted

[melz]

Well he's gone... to his mother's that is.

 

I made up a 'scrapbook' of all the memorable things we've done since we've been together; everything from our second date, to his proposal, to our most recent holiday together. I dug out photos and old receipts, and scanned them all. I stuck them all into a book, wrote the date, and a little bit about it... things we did and saw, etc. Mainly to remind him of all the fun we've had together. I also gave him a bunch of reading material.

 

You see, I've been doing research over the past 3 or 4 days. Some random Googling led me to a website which was a real eye opener for me. All about the stages in a relationship. I thought "Wow, it's like this article was written about us!" Call me naive, I knew relationships went through ups and downs, but I didn't know there were actual 'stages' to them.

 

My fiance is my first LTR, I've only previously had a couple of short term ones, so I've never really been through the stages. I also found this website which explained them more in depth. It was also a real eye opener. I printed both articles and put them in an envelope with a letter I wrote him, and the scrapbook.

 

We're going an initial 7 days NC, mainly to give him time out to process the information I've given him. He has said however, that if either of us get desperate, we can send the other a text to say hello. He said to me before he left "Believe it or not, I really do miss you when you're not around". After the 7 days, I've told him he can contact me whenever he wants, until he's happy to see me again.

 

And I'll keep ya's posted... *fingers crossed*