Sex, Lies and Reconsidering the Marriage

[learningasigo]

My story is so long and complicated that I'm not sure where to start.

 

My wife and I had been together for over 11 years (we have two children, 8 and 4), and then, basically, everything fell apart in 2008, and I moved out.

 

She had an identity/midlife crisis that was tied to our relationship (to some degree) and basically decided she'd wasted her youth married to me and having/raising children, and in an effort to try to help her figure out what she wanted we only made matters dramatically worse by trying out the "open relationship" thing.

 

It's now four months since I left, and I have a girlfriend at the moment, but I'm realizing that I'm just not ready for another serious relationship, and I seem to be unable to "get over" my estranged wife. In particular, I'm not really capable of moving on from her sexually.

 

I want to try again, and she wants to try again, but in some ways I feel like some of the things I've learned with my current girlfriend (like how it feels to be desired, for starters!) might make it impossible to go back into a relationship that was never as good as it should have been.

 

One of the key issues in the marriage - especially at the end - was that she never really felt respected by me. For her, this issue explains why her sex drive was always low - she never had a proactive attitude about our sex life - but the truth is that I think I always respected her, and demonstrated that respect, but that her sense of self has never been solid as a result of her amazingly complicated relationship with her parents.

 

I guess my question is this: Does anyone have experience with a partner participating in therapy that actually transformed that person's capacity in the relationship? I want nothing more than for her to be able to love me like I need to be loved, but I can't afford to try again if I'm going to end up unsuccessfully trying to find love in her distancing and coldness.

 

Thanks for reading and responding,

Learningasigo

[SummerSun]

I haven't ever had therapy myself, but I do know of other (female) friends that have done just thet - and yes it did help amazingly well with self confidence and also the way they interacted in relationships. The key point is whether your wife is willing to take part in this therapy, whether she is aware that part of the reason for your break up is how she is unable to love you. I would maybe suggest that you guys should be undertaking this therapy together as I am sure it isn't completely one-sided, and where she doesn't feel respected (even though you feel as though you do respect her) you will be able to be advised on ways that will make her feel respected. I guess in the same way that she may well feel that she does love you and show you love but that you don't feel it. It's a joint process of working out what each other wants.

 

At the end of the day no-one is going to be able to tell you whether undergoing therapy or trying again with your ex is going to work out. You have to work out yourself whether it is worth one more try, whether it is worth the risk of it not actually working out at.

 

It sounds like she will need to work out whether she does want to see whether 'the grass is greener' and let go of a stable marriage because she feels she lost out on her youth or whether she decides to work at what she already has.