ItsMe Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Ok so I've had around 3 weeks of feeling crap, crying, self esteem plummeting etc. BUT The last 2 weeks, i've been making new memories without him, getting out whenever I can, with my friends as much as possible, trying to move on. I thought it was working I was myself again. But still we're at the same college so I see him everyday (I just ignore him when I do) & TBH that wasn't too bad (gets to me a bit), but completly random I've now just plummeted. Probably sounds pathetic but cause it was RND everyone was all dressed up & stuff, & on college charity days he always wore one of his stupid random hats & seeing him that day just like made me feel like **** tbh. I have no idea why. Is it all just hitting me now? Like, I think i've realised that hes not in my life anymore & nothing will ever change that. I think i've bottled up a bit too much aswell(I talked to friends originally but not much after & we're like 17 so not very experienced advice tbh, also i'm not a big talker, I hate opening up & find it easier on here) because everything turning into this insane anger which is like not anger at him just anger in general at nothing in particular & its pissing me off. I've never felt like this before my head feels like its about to explode. I cried last night for the first time in what feels like ages. I just hate how long its taking because im not a depressing person, im usual so full of confidence & life its crazy lol. I know i'll stop feeling like this eventually & i'll probaly be that whole "better person thing" but seriously, he fell out of love with me in like a week, so why the **** cant I fall out of love with him?! I hate him for quitting on us so quickly but hes still that person he was orginally who I still like. Also, (this is probaly going to be disporved by all of you) I only have memories of him with me like a couple, & I do want to be his friend because he is a good bloke - i'm not going to until im over him though & then I might have even cnaged my mind - but right now I feel like I need new memories with him that arent us holding hands & stuff just hanging out as friends because i permanently have a couple image of us & I want that ridded of. I can't just replace them with memories with my friends, I have million of these & they're totally awesome & I know I can live perfectly happy & healthily without him. But he is there, everyday & week at climbing (weekly hobby, not giving it up, no where else to do it - This is hwne im usally like feet away from him & cant talk to him 'cause it sucks) & so everytime I see him I just have either us together or breaking up in my head which is driving me insane. So basically, seeing him around is unavoidable & eventually I do want to re-build a friendship up with him, but I don't want these couple memories of us anymore. I need soemthing new to think about. 'Pologies for the essay, glad of any comments back to those of you who cba to read this (:
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