Tricky situation

[artsman]

Hi everyone,

 

I don't have a lot of relationship skills in my background so I'm hoping someone can help me.

 

I entered a sticky situation back in October. Me and one of the girls I worked with who I liked very much got totally infatuated with each other and began dating. My problem was I previously had a net porn problem and thus my idea of relationships (finding "the one", how important sex was, having a fairytale relationship) was seriously flawed. However, I am in full recovery for the porn problem and have been for almost 6 months (plus I never did it while we were dating...something I am proud of, because I wanted to be faithful to her). However, its long-term ramifications on my head were still there. Around the beginning of December, I stopping "self-love," as it were, to get rid of my problem for good, and essentially went through withdrawal, where I was totally depressed. This of course affected my feelings for her. However, I stayed with her because I knew at my core that I really liked her...it was almost as though I liked her, but the attraction had been killed because what I was going through. I essentially wasn't attracted to anyone because of the depression.

 

I told her about my problem in January and she was very supportive of me, which was a huge relief. She was totally into me and said that she really liked me and wanted me to get better. However, the depression still loomed and it was weighing on me that I didn't feel attracted to her.

 

About two weeks after Valentines Day (which we had a great time on), I was essentially close to cracking, I was so depressed. So one night during work (I timed it terribly), I told her that I was essentially emotionally numb and that I needed a break to concentrate on (which I realize now was unfair). She was very hurt, we had a fight, and we had an emotionally tumultuous 2 days where we weren't sure what to do. Finally, after a terrible weekend, we sat down on Monday and I said that I was going through a lot, I didn't know if she could understand exactly what I was dealing with (even though I had tried to explain), and that it would be better if we were just friends for now. I said that the feelings were still there, she acknowledged that she still had feelings too, and we said that we'd possibly try again later on.

 

A day later, we had another talk, where I said that I almost felt selfish in that I was ending the relationship without getting her input as to what she felt she could handle. She said that while she did like me, she couldn't handle the emotional up and down, and that she was going to stay single for a bit. She said that she wasn't going anywhere and that down the road when I was a bit more stable and confident with myself, she still liked me and she thought things could work. We agreed on this and said that it might work out down the road.

 

It's been almost 2 weeks since then, we've been civil towards each other in the office, but haven't really talked much and have been kind of ignoring each other. I understand this is kind of the best NC we can do, but we've still occasionally chatted and I've asked her how things are doing.

 

Now, it's been 2 weeks, I've been working out a lot, and my depression has pretty much completely lifted. I'm still going to see a counsellor and working through a recovery program for my porn problem, but I am totally confident in my ability to beat it and live a normal life (I should also mention that I've gone almost 6 months now living by myself, without any blocker on my computer, so I can definitely control myself, and that hasn't changed since we split up).

 

However, as my depression has lifted, I am really starting to have feelings for her again. I also feel like I finally love myself too, and am confident in myself and that I could actually be in a stable, loving relationship. So what I wanted to hear from people is, do you think a second chance is possible, given my circumstances? I know I hurt her and that we should have some time apart, but I don't feel like in my situation NC is the way to go since we both clearly still have feelings (and also pretty much impossible since we work together). I was thinking about waiting another week or two at least before talking to her about it, and the effect depression can have on relationships, and see if she wanted to start hanging out again. Or should I wait longer to ensure that I'm totally ready? I know I need to take it slow so that I don't screw things up because I do really like this girl, but I also badly don't want to lose her for good. Anyways, hopefully someone has some advice.

 

Thanks,

 

artsman

[Excellent]

Well, you are obviously working hard to solve this problem of yours, wich is good. But i agree that you should wait one more week or two, just to see that you won't have any fallbacks. But i agree that you should take it very slow with her in the start. I would atleast try to initiate some conversations with her at work again for starters.

 

Then, after a week or two, just ask her out for lunch or something like that.

[artsman]

Yeah, I suppose that probably is a good way to go about it. I might talk to her closer to the end of this week and see how she feels, and tell her that I'm considerably more stable now, and see if she'd be willing to hang out again. We both said that we'd stay single for a bit, but maybe if we start hanging out again, we could feel that spark again. But I completely agree that we need to take it very slowly; I don't want to screw this up again. But I think because of the situation (that it was mental issues, and not the fact that neither of us had no feelings), I think a second chance could be possible. Anyone else care to comment?