willT Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 As the title says I basically suck at making friends with new people! I am not antisocial or anything and I the friends I have are good friends, so I don't really have a problem with being an *******. I think I know how to BE a friend. But I am really bad at growing a new or bigger social circle. I dont know, when I was a child and teenage it seemed natural to me to meet new people and keep in touch, but I think after I got into drugs in the end of high school that isolated me from a lot of people and my social skills were not very good for some years after that, combined with low self esteem that got worse because it would be a loop of negative feedback. That was some bad years where I isolated myself a lot and lost contact with many people. As I said, I am not antisocial and I enjoy socialising when I get my head on right and go out and relax, but I am not good at keeping in touch with people or taking the right steps to make friends, hang out, arrange something. Depending on my mood and confidence, I can be very social and likeable, but I am bad at taking the next step in keeping contact. I lose contact with almost all new people I meet even if we get along well. I don't even have a Facebook account, that would help, yes I know I am probably the only person under 50 not to have one. And everyone I know has hundreds of friends already, so if I created one and started contacting people I havent talked to in ages, honestly wouldn't that seem weird? Also I dont have any good pictures to put on with other people than my mug on it. Because I like being social and it gives me more energy, I want to get the ball rolling, but I am not sure how. It just seems like I lack those basic social skills to build and keep a social circle. Basically I just want some more people to hang out with and go out with. I don't have a girlfriend and even if I can and do actually go out by myself and meet women and do ok, its still a lot easier when you've got some friends around and they can introduce you to girls they know. Also I am tired of coming up with stupid stories or excuses for going out alone, because honestly dont most girls think its weird for a guy to go out alone? I mean I know how to work around it if I put in some effort, but its tiring. So do you have some step by step advice for building a social circle? Please dumb it down step by step so I can understand it!
NWSTRT2121 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Dude there really is no step by step thing we can give you here to get you to make friends. If you enjoy reading, there are a number of excellent self help books that deal with the topic and can provide some great tips on how to develop lasting friendships, although don't be looking for a step by step guide because it really depends on what you are looking for. What do you do with your life? Are you involved in anything? It has been mentioned on here countless times, but you meet people by putting yourself out there in the world. Getting out of your comfort zone and trying activities until you find something you like and where you have the opportunity to meet people. I also think one problem you might have is a problem I had for awhile. I was like you not too long ago and knew some acquaitances, but I really didnt know how to get to the next level in becoming good friends with some of these people. I realized that being a loyal friend, a good listener and showing my vulnerability as a human being(in other words opening up about myself to other people and not always just putting up this mask that Im this emotionless robot who doesn't want to share his feelings). Close friendships are developed by people opening up to one another. You have to take risks with people and just get a feel for when the situation is appropriate to open up about yourself. Some might be turned off and not be interested, but others might think "wow this guy seems really cool and that maybe he actually cares about forming a meaningful friendship with me." Can't hurt to try.
Author willT Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I also think one problem you might have is a problem I had for awhile. I was like you not too long ago and knew some acquaitances, but I really didnt know how to get to the next level in becoming good friends with some of these people. I realized that being a loyal friend, a good listener and showing my vulnerability as a human being(in other words opening up about myself to other people and not always just putting up this mask that Im this emotionless robot who doesn't want to share his feelings). Close friendships are developed by people opening up to one another. You have to take risks with people and just get a feel for when the situation is appropriate to open up about yourself. Some might be turned off and not be interested, but others might think "wow this guy seems really cool and that maybe he actually cares about forming a meaningful friendship with me." Can't hurt to try. I like this. I think this is probably the real reason,that I hide my emotions too much and open up slowly. It's an old defense mechanism from growing up and having people misuse my trusth I think. You are right though, we must all take chances in life and be ready to face rejection.
EllieBean Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Facebook is an excellent tool for turnng acquaintances into friends! You meet someone you like, you tell them your name and say "Facebook me!" and then you can keep in touch online and get to know them, chat about stuff, maybe arrange to meet... It is NOT weird to set up a Facebook account and start adding people - in general they'll be happy to hear from you. I also think you should try doing some regular activities like an evening class or a sports group etc, bcause you'll see the same people there every week, no effort required. Then you get to know them, and after a while you invite them for a drink after the class... you can invite a few people at once which takes the pressure off you. I know it's tough because I struggle to make friends myself, and I really have to make an effort... I smile and ask people about themselves, and generally try to take an interest in them, and as another poster said you really need to get out there and meet people before you can hope to make friends with some of them
ShawnLim Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Well, how serious are you in improving this area of your life? If you are truly committed, get yourself this book, How To Win Friends and Influence People. It is written by the famous Dale Carnegie. I believe that this is the right resource that you are looking for.
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