malibustacydoll Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. Everything has gone pretty well but we have had our ups and downs. Right now we are both getting out of college. I have lined up various graduate school choices, and applied for jobs. I am a very ambitious person and have been on my own for quite a long time. My boyfriend on the other hand has had just about everything in his life handed to him, while his parents pay for everything. He has yet to apply for any jobs. (We graduate in early May.) He also has issues talking to his parents and seems to be scared of them. Him and I are moving in together in the fall-- or so that was the plan. He finally told his parents this and they freaked out because they are uber Catholic and I do not think they like me at all. In the end, he says that they said it was his decision but they do not support it. (His parents don't like me much anyway.) He also mentioned the summer which is another huge issue. My boyfriend currently lives with his brother. His brother will not be here in the summer and they will have an extra room. My boyfriend and I practically live together now. He spends 4 nights a week in my dorm room. The last summer my boyfriend stayed in my dorm room with me and never paid me a dime. Dorm rooms are quite pricey too. In any case his parents say "no" to us living together in the summer. I am angry because we will be together in the fall and we practically are together now. I am also angry because I pay for everything myself and I do not want to pay 2k for 12 weeks in the dorm. It would be a lot more cheap even if I just paid my boyfriend's father (who pays their rent) half of it. My boyfriend wont even tell his parents that we plan on getting engaged. I figured this would make them more happy to hear that we will be engaged soon. However, he will not talk to them or even tell them about my money situation-- which I think might change their minds. I feel like I am at a crossroads and issues with his family and his lack of wanting to grow up will only continue to get worse. I don't know what to do. I am wondering which way to take and thinking it might be easier to get out now. I like ambitious men-- not ones who use me and are scared to grow up.
sb129 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 If you are thinking it might be easier to get out now, then perhaps thats on option you should explore more. The issues with his family are not going to go away if anything they will get worse. I actually find it quite strange that they are opposed to you living together over the summer- it works out cheaper for them if you are contributing to the rent, and you are both adults. Really don't get that, but then again, I am pretty open minded on stuff like that and my family is too. You are still quite young, and have alot of living ahead of you esp now that you are a new graduate. I know alot of people get married straight out of college and all that, but there will be plenty of other opportunities to meet people along the way if this doesn't work out. Your BFs lack of backbone is a little worrying, that he isn't prepared to stand up for you when you will both benefit from the arrangement.
socialight Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 based on your post, my opinion is that you two don't have a chance in hell of staying together long term. Neither one of you are ready for a real adult relationship. Heck, neither one of you are real adults. Break up and go have the fun of being a single young professional.
Author malibustacydoll Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 I think I am ready for a real-adult relationship. Despite my age, I have grown up quite quickly and the only issue in the relationship is that he has not. I need him to fight for us, and be man enough to at least talk to his parents about it. I am so angry. I don't want to throw out my relationship though without giving it a lot of thought.
socialight Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 the fact that you were evening considering marrying and/or moving in with an unambitious loser tells me you have a lot of growing up yet to do. Get out there and have fun without this guy. The end of college is a great way to make a clean break. Do not be afraid. I don't see much to think about here.
Author malibustacydoll Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 Wow. Thanks for judging me. I love this boy despite his lack of growing up-- which makes it rather hard. Any other advice?
lookin2theskyz Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 This actually really reminds me of my father. My parents have been divorced for a long time, but he always relied on his parents for everything. And them being the loving parents they were, gave it to him constantly. From seeing my parents' relationship, I'd guess there's no hope of that changing.. And it WILL be a huge problem for him in the long run.. If you do love this guy and you want to make things work, I think you should just talk to him about trying to do things on his own for a while. I actually find myself in a similar transition. My mother has always covered all my expenses and my girlfriend has had to get everything herself. We've lived together for a while but my pampering made huge problems. We moved out again and we're working together to try and help me become more self-dependent. It's been really hard for both of us, but she loves me to death and she's put up with a lot of crap for me. I love her just as deeply and I'm making the effort to change. So far, it's been very successful. We're moving in together again in the Fall. If you want to make things work, stay positive. If you really do love him and want things to work, talk it out. Help him realize how much it will hurt him to depend on his parents and take it from me, it's a tough habit to break. But you can do it! Best of wishes to you both.
socialight Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 >>Any other advice? Yes. Go out and be your own woman. Travel. And for god's sake don't move in with some guy before getting married.
Author malibustacydoll Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 wait... don't move in before being married? Wouldn't it be better to do that so we can test the waters more. We practically live together now and did last summer and it was fine for the most part. I don't want to get married just to please his parents.
chrislovestosurf Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 can i ask you why you want to get engaged this quickly? What are you, 21? Sorry but I agree with the other guy, enjoy your life a little more and understand that these issues you see right now are going to snowball when you get married to this guy.
sb129 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 I think I am ready for a real-adult relationship and the only issue in the relationship is that he has not.. Quite a BIG issue though, isn't it. Quite possibly the worst issue you can have if you are ready and he isn't, because you can't make him "get" ready. I need him to fight for us, and be man enough to at least talk to his parents about it. I am so angry. I don't want to throw out my relationship though without giving it a lot of thought So tell him this. Give him an opportunity to change or do what you want, but if he doesn't do it, end the R, because you will only resent the fact that he won't do stuff like that for you, and it emphasises his "not readiness". I don't know many men in their early 20s who are "ready" for an adult R and I wish so much that I had had more of a clue about this when I was that age, I spent a little TOO much time worrying about having and keeping a boyfriend, and its not a big deal at all then. Its when you get closer to 30 and realise your biological clock is ticking that it becomes a bit more serious, but luckily by then most guys your age feel the same way. Chill!
Author malibustacydoll Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I have dated other guys-- and he is the only one I have ever dated that has felt like the real deal. Every other guy that I have been with I knew fairly early on that it wouldn't last. I dated them for a while to have fun and get to know them, but I knew it would not be long term. I really want to make this work, but I feel like our backgrounds are going to clash way too much. He comes from a strict Catholic family, and thinks everything will be handed to him. I come from a non-religious and rather poor family and I have been working since a very young age, and nothing has been handed to me. I don't know how to work through this. He told me that he would talk to his parents about my financial situation and about how we will be engaged by the end of this weekend. He went home yesterday and I thought he would do that then, but he did not. He insisted he said by the end of the weekend. I am going to try to drop the issue for the rest of the day. However, if come tomorrow morning he has not talked to his parents and begun the process of getting his crap together I am going to tell him to leave me alone. I will tell him not to talk to me until he gets all of his crap together and grows up. I don't know if that is breaking up or just taking a break-- or if there really is a difference. I know most of you are going to say I am too young to have these worries. I am 21, and I am graduating a year early. He is 23 and is just getting done with his masters. I think now is the time for him to really grow up, get a job, and stop caring so much what his parents think. I wish his parents were more like mine-- as long as I am happy my parents don't care what I do. *sigh*
sb129 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Well, I know you don't want to hear it but I think you are FAR too young to be considering marriage, and he may well seem like the "real deal", but I actually think you are too young to know what the "real deal" is too. He may well seem like the real deal, but fact is, he is making promises to you that he isn't keeping, he is not growing up at the rate you want him to, and he still cares about what his parents think. None of that is going to change anytime soon from the looks of it, so either you change your acceptance of that, and get over it, or you leave.
Author malibustacydoll Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I am willing to compromise. There has to be give and take in a relationship. I am also old enough to know that not everything will be perfect in a relationship and I don't want to run at the first bit of conflict. Tomorrow will be more telling. I hope he talks to his parents today, and I hope things go well.
sb129 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Well good luck with that. Compromise is good, as long as you are BOTH prepared to do it. I hope it works out for you.
Author malibustacydoll Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 It is now Monday and as far as I know he has not talked to his parents. He spent the night last night as he normally does on Sunday. This morning when he was in the shower, I checked his phone just to see if he had called them or they had called him. There were no calls. (I know checking his phone isn't right.) He gets out of class on Monday at 11. He normally gets online shortly after. He hasn't been on at all today and it is pushing 2:30 here. I am sure he knows and he is avoiding the situation. This makes me think he is even more childish. I am sure he will have his excuses for not being online-- as well as say he forgot. Wow.
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 You are so young and really shouldn't be trying to get engaged so early (esp. with someone who is not showing himself to be mature). It sounds like you have you head on straight as far as trying to make the best out of yourself. Go to grad school or work - the next step in your life - and you have a very good chance to meet someone who is more compatible. The points you are making about your bf show that you have a long term compatibility problem. Unfortunately, there are many factors beyond love which would be important.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 based on your post, my opinion is that you two don't have a chance in hell of staying together long term. Neither one of you are ready for a real adult relationship. Heck, neither one of you are real adults. Agreed X 1,000, though you sound a lot more grown-up than he is. This is typical, since at every corresponding age, women are more mature than men. Your boyfriend went from living at home with the parents to living with his brother and is going to go straight to living with you? He's basically looking for a surrogate mother/family (he may not be aware of this, but it's true), and he won't mature to the point of being able to free himself from the control of his parents for many years, if ever. He also has issues talking to his parents and seems to be scared of them. That's because he's essentially still a child. Most men in their 20s (especially early 20s) are basically little boys. Most men don't even begin to grow up until around 30. He has never truly been independent and will not be for quite some time. You, on the other hand, have your act together. I strongly advise not moving in together.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I don't know many men in their early 20s who are "ready" for an adult R and I wish so much that I had had more of a clue about this when I was that age, I spent a little TOO much time worrying about having and keeping a boyfriend, and its not a big deal at all then. Its when you get closer to 30 and realise your biological clock is ticking that it becomes a bit more serious, but luckily by then most guys your age feel the same way. Chill! Again, totally agree. In general, men in their early 20s have no idea what they're doing. Some of them will clamor to attach themselves like a barnacle to a nice girl who gives them that secure feeling that came from mom and home, but all most of them really want to do is get laid and be stupid with their friends.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 He comes from a strict Catholic family, and thinks everything will be handed to him. I come from a non-religious and rather poor family and I have been working since a very young age, and nothing has been handed to me. I come from a similar background to you. I have been independent and supporting myself financially 100% since the age of 17, and these sheltered Catholic boys (who are dying to tell their parents to piss off but never will) are drawn to me like moths to a flame. Girls like us embody freedom, self-sufficiency, ambition. You will be a good influence, but the changes he needs to go through will take years. It takes these guys a long time to grow up, since their lives have been held in a chokehold by their controlling parents for so long. (I wish someone had told me this years ago.)
sb129 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 MalibuStacy- your BF sounds like he really needs to grow a pair, but I don't think its going to be anytime soon. Look at how he is dealing with this issue that is so important to you- avoidance, evasion- whatever you call it he is being a wimp and that probably means he didn't have the guts to do what you asked him to. This would be a dealbreaker for me. There is someone out there with the same strength and independence as you, and they won't drag you down.
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