What do you think?

[blair08]

OK, I'm not sure where to begin but here it goes.

 

 

My husband and I have had a pretty good relationship over the years, but of course, like most couples we have hit some bumpy patches. I have never really been suspicious of him because, well, he just hasn't ever really given me any real reason, so this is kind of new for me I guess you could say.

 

I have noticed over the past few weeks some odd things. Maybe some of you may not find them all that odd and some of you may think its just me being silly, which is fine that's probably all it is.

 

He has become a little distant some, I know he has had some tough days at work here and there and worried about his job and possible lay offs etc. I understand that. Moving on, something I noticed over the past few weeks has been his is turning his cell phone off when he comes in from work, which is NOT something he used to do. maybe its a big deal maybe not, I just find it odd. Maybe he wants to save the battery and not have to charge it, who knows! He used to charge it sometimes when he came in, and it was usually left on, now he turns his phone off.

 

The other thing is he has changed his password on the computer. I know his password for his email, that hasn't changed, but the password for the computer its self has changed. We both have seperate screens and always have, and when we got the computer (New one haven't had that long) I didn't password protect my screen but he did his. I knew what it was, but now its been changed.

 

He did have an issue with porn awhile back, and I'm wondering if maybe that's part of it, if he is back on that and doesn't want me to see where he keeps his videos etc, or whatever. I do NOT see anything weird or unusual in his emails. Last night he came home from work, got out of his work clothes etc, like usual and turned his phone off. Of course this is weird to me since he normally doesn't do that. So I checked it last night, and I did NOT see anything weird or unusual. The numbers he has stored are numbers of people I know as well, but some are work buddies of his too. I'm sure he could be deleting anything that is not supposed to be there too.

 

The cell bill is itemized and I don't see alot of numbers that are not reconizeable. Although there might be a few that are cell numbers here and there, talk time is not long, and I have no real way of looking those up since most places wont give you names of cell numbers.

 

The other thing was, I caught him going through my purse the other day. Not sure why. I had gotten out to run into a friends house to drop something off, and he waited in the car, as I was walking down the driveway to get back in the car, I saw him going through my pocket book as fast as he could. You could tell he was in a hurry before I got back. As soon as I got in, you could tell he seemed a little nervous acting. I asked him if there was something he needed in my purse, he said he was looking for some gum. Well, that's all fine and well, so not sure why he appeared shook up or nervous like when I got in the car. He could have also just asked when I got in the car.

 

I know some of you may think those things are not real clues that something is up, and yes maybe I'm acting silly about the whole thing. The bad part is, I feel strongly that something is up, just not sure what. I have days where even if that feeling is strong, I'll end up talking my self out of feeling that way, and I'll start to doubt or question myself about my feelings, and end up telling myself this is ridiculas to feel this way.

 

I wanted others input. What do you think in your opinion might be up. Whats the best way for me to approach things?

 

I'm not really the snooping type, but yes, when things started to seem off, and he was doing things he doesn't normally do, then I checked his emails and cell, only to find nothing.

 

A friend of mine told me once, when you feel your gut instinct is strong but then you start to question or doubt how you feel, thats a real indication something is really up...do you agree?

[EnigmasMuse]

Ummmm? Well, anytime someone does something they don't normally do, I think its human nature to wonder what may or may not be up.

 

I would say, just keep your eyes and ears open. You never know. Just when you think its possible that you're wrong about something, you may end up being right after all.

 

Hopefully someone else can give you some better advice.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Is your relationship such that you can just be direct?

 

"I noticed that your computer password has changed. That makes me fearful that you have returned to porn. I'm not saying that you have; I'm just saying that every once in a while I need the reassurance of checking for myself, and when I found that I could not log on, I got really, really scared. It's important to me that I have access to your computer. Would you do that for me? Help me not be scared?"

[blair08]

Is your relationship such that you can just be direct?

 

"I noticed that your computer password has changed. That makes me fearful that you have returned to porn. I'm not saying that you have; I'm just saying that every once in a while I need the reassurance of checking for myself, and when I found that I could not log on, I got really, really scared. It's important to me that I have access to your computer. Would you do that for me? Help me not be scared?"

 

 

Funny, you should mention this, because I asked him earlier. In the nicest but firmest way I know how.

 

His answer was, "how did you know it was changed? Don't you trust me anymore?" I told him I had been trusting him for a good while now and had not checked for awhile. I ended up checking the computer, when I found the cell phone being odd, and figured if he keeps turning the cell off he must be doing other things as well. So I checked. I also asked him if he was trying to save his battery and if that is why he had been turning the cell phone off lately. He said, "Yeah." I probably should have just asked him WHY he turned his phone off now, instead of asking him if it was to save the battery.

 

He didn't say anything at all...he just looked at me with a blank stare on his face. I then asked him if I could have this new password. He just sat there, no answer, or anything. He reminds me of a sad little child. He looked pityful and victim like. Hard to describe, but anyway, he got up and went outside to work in the yard.

 

I probably shouldn't have asked anything, because now, I think if he is doing something he shouldn't, he'll just try harder to hide something.

[PandorasBox]

Funny, you should mention this, because I asked him earlier. In the nicest but firmest way I know how.

 

His answer was, "how did you know it was changed? Don't you trust me anymore?" I told him I had been trusting him for a good while now and had not checked for awhile. I ended up checking the computer, when I found the cell phone being odd, and figured if he keeps turning the cell off he must be doing other things as well. So I checked. I also asked him if he was trying to save his battery and if that is why he had been turning the cell phone off lately. He said, "Yeah." I probably should have just asked him WHY he turned his phone off now, instead of asking him if it was to save the battery.

 

He didn't say anything at all...he just looked at me with a blank stare on his face. I then asked him if I could have this new password. He just sat there, no answer, or anything. He reminds me of a sad little child. He looked pityful and victim like. Hard to describe, but anyway, he got up and went outside to work in the yard.

 

I probably shouldn't have asked anything, because now, I think if he is doing something he shouldn't, he'll just try harder to hide something.

 

 

This is JMO, but I have always been a firm believer that if you suspect something is up, to lay low with it for a bit. Never call someone out on something until you have the facts. It has been my experience with this, that if you do, they usually do try to hide or cover their tracks better, that is assuming they are really up to something.

 

I wouldn't mention anything else again for awhile and just keep your eyes and ears open like Enigma had said. Most of the time, if someone is doing something they shouldn't, if you lay low they will eventually hang them selves with their own rope.

[NoIDidn't]

It sounds like he is cheating and it can be found on his computer. Sorry.

 

Are you an administrator on the computer? If so, you don't need his password as you may be able to change it yourself in the Control Panel.

 

Ask him about the password again. Tell him you would like to sit down with him when you use it. And STOP GIVING HIM AN OUT. Your battery excuse sounded good to him, so he used it. Pitifully.

 

Another way to suss him out is to tell him that you love him and that you are concerned. If he is cheating, he's likely to lie more and try to cover things up more hastily. That's your opening.

 

Sorry, I make this sound so simple or like a game. If you are going to catch him, you are going to have to drop something into the machinery too to get it to catch. And it will because when people are cheating, their brains are not engaged and its not too hard to bust them when they think they are too good to get caught.

[blair08]

It sounds like he is cheating and it can be found on his computer. Sorry.

 

Are you an administrator on the computer? If so, you don't need his password as you may be able to change it yourself in the Control Panel.

 

Ask him about the password again. Tell him you would like to sit down with him when you use it. And STOP GIVING HIM AN OUT. Your battery excuse sounded good to him, so he used it. Pitifully.

 

Another way to suss him out is to tell him that you love him and that you are concerned. If he is cheating, he's likely to lie more and try to cover things up more hastily. That's your opening.

 

Sorry, I make this sound so simple or like a game. If you are going to catch him, you are going to have to drop something into the machinery too to get it to catch. And it will because when people are cheating, their brains are not engaged and its not too hard to bust them when they think they are too good to get caught.

 

He is the administrator. One good thing I guess I could say is, after all was said and done, he has left his phone on all day today.

 

I agree with people's brains not being engaged when they are doing something they shouldn't or if they have other things on their minds.

 

Yes, I had mentioned I shouldn't have said what I said about the battery.

[WhyOno]

Seems as if he's just as worried as you are about cheating on one another for whatever reason a la looking thru your purse.The computer situation sounds like he's back to porn.The phone situation is tricky though, could be a lot of answer's.

[Heroic]

The fact he had no reply for you is HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS....

 

Time for a keylogger.

[iceis44]

OK, I'm not sure where to begin but here it goes.

 

 

 

A friend of mine told me once, when you feel your gut instinct is strong but then you start to question or doubt how you feel, thats a real indication something is really up...do you agree?

 

And you wouldnt be questioning these behaviours if you didnt already wonder

[JackJack]

"What do you think?"

 

Well, I think things are off that's for sure. However, I can't say for sure if he is cheating or not. People can speculate and say it sounds like it, but really the only concrete thing right now is the fact you know and feel something is up, just not sure exactly what.

 

I would say what some of the others have said though. Lay low right now, keep your eyes and ears open and the mouth shut...simply meaning don't lead on anymore to him what you think is up...but for now, just hang tight.

[blair08]

Here is a little update since last time I posted. It got more and more weird over the past few days. I could tell he was acting like it was me that was doing something and I didn't know why.

 

The other day, he had said some things that was kind of hurtful, and when I told him how I felt, he went outside. It was about 9pm or a little after. I had to go out and put some stuff in my car for a friend of mine. I saw him just sitting there in his car in the dark. I noticed that when he went outside, he took his cell phone with him. I acted like I didn't see him. I went back inside. I noticed to when I came in his wallet was gone as well.

 

I saw him pull out of the driveway. He was gone maybe 20 minutes if that. He comes back inside and I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth. He has a newspaper. We don't get the newspaper but occassionaly he will go to the store down the road and get a Sunday paper. That's fine. However these little trips for about 20-30 minutes he has been taking here lately to run here or there, has been kind of frequent, and sometimes he'll say he is leaving to go here or there,and sometimes not.

 

Another thing I think I failed to mention was, he keeps up with his time he clocks in and out of work on a notepad. No problem he has always done that. The problem has been, there are times, here and there where the times he writes down, that he clocked out, is not always the time that matches when he has told me he clocked out and left from work. Yeah I can see him going to the store getting up a few things which he has done, but there are times as well, when he might go to the mall or store to hang out and bide his time...why? Because the less he is here the better he likes it, I'm sure. That's the impression I get anyway. Just a few weeks ago, I saw where his time he wrote down that he clocked out at around 4pm, that's fine. However, he didn't come in until around 7:30-8pm. Yes, the day before we had had a few words, however thats no reason to just go whereever because of it. When I get off work unless I have some place to be, or need to run by the grocery store, I usually come on in, why? I had kids to tend to and other resonsiblities. Anyway that night he came in, he acted like things were fine, and obviously had been over to the mall and came in with two colgone samples from Sephora! Yeah he wears colgone and he normally get samples when we're out etc. sometimes. Its the only thing he came home with. So he clocked out at around 4pm from work but went and got samples from the mall from that time until almost 8?

 

Bottom line is we talked the other night. I didn't come right out and ask him or accuse him,if he was doing something he shouldn't, but I did tell him I thought we had some isues we needed to work on and that I was kind of confused by some thngs. He then asks me. "Have you been going through my bag?" That's where he keeps his litttle notepad he writes his time on. I did not lie and told him yes, I felt something wasn't write, and that his times didn't match when he says he gets off work at times.

 

He didn't really say anything. He then said well, what have you been doing? Real suspcious like. I told him I hadn't been doing anything and didn't understand where that was coming from. I said maybe you're just suspcious of me because I'm suspcious of you. He then starts bringing up other stuff, like why was the cell bill itemized? The cell bill has been itemized for years! I told him this and he knew this. I then told him, what difference did it even make, if he was ok with things, and he had no reason to be worried then why was it such a concern. He then assured me he didn't have a problem with it. Pretty much too, he is finding fault with me more and more. You nmae it and according to him, its all my fault.

 

I just basically told him I didn't feel things were right with us, and right now I wasn't sure what to do. So, this past Tuesday, I was really down and out, we didn't talk. He was off from work that day. I left and went to my parents house and just spent some time there for a few hours. When I came back, later on that night he asked me how was my day out, but it was in a sarcastic, kind of accusing way. I told him I spent most of my day at my parents and that I felt pretty crappy most all day, and unsure how to feel really.

 

So, yesterday he comes in from work, a different person, real loving, etc, but see, that's how things usually are with him. If I get pissed off or upset, things will be crappy for a few days, then he'll act like that for a day or two, then go back to the way he was. I don't know what to think to be honest.

 

I wonder if maybe all of this is just stupid, (there I go doubting again) or if he is being nice to really throw me off and if there is really more here.

 

Sorry this got long.

[2sure]

It is natural to feel guilty for being suspicious. For most of us , "snooping" feels like an awful thing to do. But : The things you have described are suspicious. Sometimes, doing the right thing is uncomfortable. But you are talking about your marriage here.

 

An affair of any kind requires communication. Cell phones and computers.

Your H has become more protective of both and suddenly realizes the itemized cell phone is an inconvenience.

 

First, look through the bill and see if you can find a pattern of calls with any # unfamiliar to you. Even short ones. Check times against when he leaves the house. Check for restricted calls as well. Like , a restricted # is incoming & lasts only one minute. Then a half hour later he calls an number unknown to you . Some cell phone bills itemize calls but not text messages. Has there been an increase in text messages?

 

It is EASY to get a name for 90% of cell phone numbers even though they are unlisted. There are many on line researchers who charge 14.00 to do a look up and provide you with the info.

 

Since you have now questioned the cell phone thing, and he has questioned why the bill is itemized...It is common for WS to buy a prepaid cell phone. They are inexpensive , easy to hide, and there is no bill.

 

These are easy things to check and if you find nothing you can put this aside with confidence.

[blair08]

It is natural to feel guilty for being suspicious. For most of us , "snooping" feels like an awful thing to do. But : The things you have described are suspicious. Sometimes, doing the right thing is uncomfortable. But you are talking about your marriage here.

 

An affair of any kind requires communication. Cell phones and computers.

Your H has become more protective of both and suddenly realizes the itemized cell phone is an inconvenience.

 

First, look through the bill and see if you can find a pattern of calls with any # unfamiliar to you. Even short ones. Check times against when he leaves the house. Check for restricted calls as well. Like , a restricted # is incoming & lasts only one minute. Then a half hour later he calls an number unknown to you . Some cell phone bills itemize calls but not text messages. Has there been an increase in text messages?

 

It is EASY to get a name for 90% of cell phone numbers even though they are unlisted. There are many on line researchers who charge 14.00 to do a look up and provide you with the info.

 

Since you have now questioned the cell phone thing, and he has questioned why the bill is itemized...It is common for WS to buy a prepaid cell phone. They are inexpensive , easy to hide, and there is no bill.

 

These are easy things to check and if you find nothing you can put this aside with confidence.

 

Thank you!

 

 

Well, the thing with the computer is, now its back to what the original password was...but yet it wasn't for a few days. I noticed this was changed back, though, before we had our talk the other evening. Another thing, was he has been leaving his cell back on.

 

The odd thing is, is that all this was odd, or changed and now its back to the way it was. I wonder if other than the fact of me looking at his time on his notepad, if he thought I was onto him with other things as well.

 

As far as him saying something about the cell bill being itemized, its been itemized for about 5 years now. When I first had it that way, he questioned it to, but he questioned it because it wasn't like that before. the only reason I had done it like that 5 years ago, was because a friend of mine who had the same cell provider said she had numbers on her cell bill that she had not called, and she wasn't even married or in a relationship, so she said to get it that way just to at least see if I had weird numbers that we were getting charged for, or maybe we had not called as well.

 

I'm not sure why he still has an issue with it years later. The calls I have seen are not unusual numbers, most of them are numbers I know, some friends/family and work buddies of his. However, I did have someone tell me once, that when she found out her husband was running around on her, she saw numbers in her husbands cell that were frequently called and received but didn't think anything of it because out beside the number, the name was "Vic." So she had assumed it was a Vic from work, short for Victor. So she never really questioned it. Come to find out that number with the name "Vic" out beside of it, was really short for, "Victoria."

 

How would I go about paying for a site to be able for me to do cell number searches without him finding out? I mean I would have to use a credit card right?

 

What do you think about him being loving now, and acting like things are ok? What about the things like the cell and computer going back to the way it was before?

[2sure]

Just assuming you are looking for piece/peace of mind.

 

Yes, you would need to charge it to a credit card/bank card. Many of them will also take PayPal, which is an online account you deposit funds into (even via electronic check) and then you spend those funds securely and privately.

 

Its possible your H was "behaving badly" and now has considered it not worth the risk.

 

For me, it wasnt so much the need to "catch" him as it was the need to know what I was dealing with so I COULD deal with it.

[blair08]

Just assuming you are looking for piece/peace of mind.

 

Yes, you would need to charge it to a credit card/bank card. Many of them will also take PayPal, which is an online account you deposit funds into (even via electronic check) and then you spend those funds securely and privately.

 

Its possible your H was "behaving badly" and now has considered it not worth the risk.

 

For me, it wasnt so much the need to "catch" him as it was the need to know what I was dealing with so I COULD deal with it.

 

 

True, I understand what you're saying. My thing is, I want to know why I feel the way I do. For me, its not really so much about catching him either, its more of why do I feel like this to begin with.

 

When i was at my folks house the other day, I had talked with my dad about some of these concerns, and of course he didn't just come right out and say what he though was going on for sure. BUT, he did say, sometimes when issues arise in the marriage, a persons mind can play tricks on them making them feel very strongly that something is more up than it really is.

 

And while I understand what he is saying, at the same time, there are just things that are odd or off that's not normal, so guess its natural to question things.

[2sure]

That might have been advice from your Dad.

 

Your Mom would say:

 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

[blair08]

That might have been advice from your Dad.

 

Your Mom would say:

 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS

 

 

True! I just hate feeling like this.....you know, having that strong gut instinct, but yet not having any really clear cut proof or answers.

[2sure]

You know - there are many many posts on here from spouses wondering about affairs. Initially they are all about how to get proof. Then, for many, they need MORE. I dont why. For me, my gut instinct and some small proof was enough. His explanations and denials didnt change a thing. And sadly, I was correct.

 

If you choose not to pursue this, its possible the lingering paranoia and doubt will undermine your marriage as much as proving your instincts.

 

It is also possible that your questioning him may have nipped something brewing in the bud. All of us can be tempted. However, the thing is - because he has had no consequences...his behavior can and probably will - soon resume.

[blair08]

You know - there are many many posts on here from spouses wondering about affairs. Initially they are all about how to get proof. Then, for many, they need MORE. I dont why. For me, my gut instinct and some small proof was enough. His explanations and denials didnt change a thing. And sadly, I was correct.

 

If you choose not to pursue this, its possible the lingering paranoia and doubt will undermine your marriage as much as proving your instincts.

 

It is also possible that your questioning him may have nipped something brewing in the bud. All of us can be tempted. However, the thing is - because he has had no consequences...his behavior can and probably will - soon resume.

 

If you don't mind me asking...what was the small proof that you found? Or what was it, that finally made you realize that your gut was right?

[EnigmasMuse]

I know this is hard, especially just not knowing for sure.

 

I'm going to agree with 2sure here on the fact that even given a little time, things might resume back to what your were orginally feeling about something being up. It could be now that he knows you are wondering a few things, that he is going to lay low or play it cool for awhile. If he is truly up to something he shouldn't be, things will at some point probably start to be questionable again.

 

I would just lay low as well...act like things are ok...not overly, but that maybe you feel a little better about things..play along with him to throw him off as well, if that's what he is trying to do to you.

 

Its also possible, that he may not be doing anything, but maybe thinking about it, or toying with the idea, and he feels guilty for even feeling the way he does. Guilt can sometimes give people away.

 

Just keep an eye on things.

[2sure]

My H was being protective of his phone, and spending more time on line.

I eventually found evidence on his computer (of chats) . I confronted him, there was drama. He was sincerely sorry, he cried. I forgave.We moved on.

 

A year later, he did it again. This time he had consequences.

I truly believe we are both happier or more secure than ever at this point.

I only wish I had acted the first time.

[WorriedOne]

Well first of all let me say that you are speaking to an audience (us) who are probably extremely sensitive to matters such as infidelity. I fear that your guy is not going to get a fair shake with this crowd.

 

No matter how much you type here we are not getting the full story. You've done a great job of telling us as much as possible but we still don't know all the background info - not possible to do over the Internet.

 

Bottom line is this: you don't trust your man and it sounds like he doesn't trust you. Your relationship is in dire straights. All these people telling you to put on keyloggers on that computer are completely insane. Only people who are in DOOMED relationships do infantile stuff like that. If you feel like you need to put such a program on your computer, you might as well get divorced now because the marriage is already over.

 

What I would do if I were in your shoes:

 

Tell him everything you have observed. Tell him you have a bad feeling in your gut about what is going on. If you love him, you tell him. And then you tell him that you have the feeling you are being deceived and cannot be part of a relationship that is built upon deception and distrust. I would ask him to go to counseling with you. If he refuses, it's time to start thinking about a life without this man.

 

Do not be accusatory. Do not argue. Simply state your observations, YOUR feelings.

[NoIDidn't]

Sorry but I think he is cheating.

 

He is doing the dance.

 

Because he is doing something he shouldn't do, he is projecting it onto you: the searching through your purse, finding fault in everything you do, complaining about the itemized cellphone bill

 

BUT the thing that stood out the most is that he became loving all of a sudden and changed the password back. THAT IS THE DANCE.

 

Pay attention to this pattern.

 

He will pull you close again because he's not sure what he really wants, but he's not ready to give up whatever and whoever this *other* is.

 

But things will go back to the way you were feeling when you started this thread. Because he's trying to get his side piece back and in place again.

 

But if you get emotional again and show him you suspect, he will keep doing the dance.

 

Get "The Script". Porn or not, your man is dancing.

[Strawberry Cane]

I have to agree with WorriedOne.

Everything said makes perfect sense.

 

And as far as NoIDidn't's perspective on the dance, I have to admit, changing his password back, or turning his phone back on DOESNT MEAN that he didn't contact this other person and say something along the lines of "My W is concerned about my phone and email... don't call my cell anymore or email my account, that way I can go back to my regular routine and she will drop this whole thing."

 

Sorry to be so blunt... but that is my opinion.