shopgrl Posted October 9, 2003 Posted October 9, 2003 I am 25 years old and my, well, ex boyfriend now, is 33. We had been dating for a little over 2 years. About one week ago we got into a little fight because I felt uncomfortable about him going somewhere with his friends and after arguing a little he told he too bad, he was going. The next day, I confronted him about the way he talked to me and disrespected me and I told him that I didn't care that he went, I just didn't appreciate being spoken to that way and if he was going to continue speaking that way then I didn't want to be his girlfriend. We ended up breaking up because he said that he has to think if this is what he really wants and there's been times over the past few months that he has been unhappy ( I still am not sure what exactly he meant by that but I'm guessing he meant being with me). Keep in mind that both of us have been very stressed out and busy over the past few months due to work, family issues and so fourth so we have been at each others throats more than usual. He told me that he loves me but that he needs some time to think and we should go our separate ways and begin healing. (I broke up with him last year because I needed time to think about some things and I just kinda left him hanging and he said that this time he doesn't want either of us sitting around wondering if the other is coming back. ) Anyway we were miserable last time we broke up and didn't get back together until we both knew, or thought, it was going to be forever.) I called him the next day after this recent break up and we talked just about the same things. I was totally honest with him and pointed out the things I know we need to work on if we were ever to get back together. He said he was confused, I said I was confused and we both agreed that we need to break up and get out of each others faces and whatever is meant to be will happen. We were so happy together, I mean, we had some fights just like all couples do but I mean we never cheated on each other, deceived or lied to each other. I know it's not another girl either. I just don't understand. A few days before the little fight and breakup we were still talking about our future together, marriage and so fourth. We always talked about marriage and where we were going to live, kids, family. Even our friends and family knew we'd end up together. I really thought he was going to be the guy I married. So what would you guys do? Give him time and let him miss me? Call him? I just don't know. Do you think he felt controlled, trapped or resentment towards me? Do you think he's scared of taking the next step in committment? I want to call him so bad but I don't want to look like some pathetic little girl. I'm just scared that he'll never call me again. I feel so betrayed and I know he is the man meant for me.
kurty Posted October 9, 2003 Posted October 9, 2003 he sound like me just that instead of your bf, its my gf. i had a bad relationship before. i took about 6 yrs to forget her even today, i still miss the time we had. but the memories getting weaker and weaker. during this 6 yrs, i had a gf which is now my ex. though i do like her and love her, the bad experience had left a deep scar for me. i don't wish to commit or forcus into my ex. i take her for granted thats why she left me. now i living in regret. but deep inside, i do make plans and have dreams together with her. to make things simplier, could your ex bf suffer the same like me?
Author shopgrl Posted October 9, 2003 Author Posted October 9, 2003 Thanks for your response Kurty. I don't know if my boyfriend is suffering or not. I'm just so confused. I just dont know what to think when he tells me he loves me but needs time so we should break up. If you love someone why would you want to be without them? It just doesn't make sense to me. Do you ever speak with your ex-girlfriend or have you two tried to reconcile?
kurty Posted October 9, 2003 Posted October 9, 2003 true i believe both of us believe if we really love someone, we would never think of anything to hurt them. you probably can give yourself and your ex sometime, he might need sometime really to sort things out. as for you, i believe you are a nice lady, being nice is a good thing as new love probably coming to your way. who knows, you might find someone even better? for my case, i don't think we need to sort it out anymore. she said she is tired, but so do i. she willing to give up our 3 yrs + relationship. all the promises that she made were only sweet nothing. if you got the time, you can read a story in http://www.xanga.com/kurty you will understand
WambleMistyc Posted October 11, 2003 Posted October 11, 2003 I understand your situation, if i were you i wouldn't call him, i'd just wait til he calls me, because he was the one who broke up with you. Hun he asked for time, you have to give him TIME. If he really loves you he will call you and try to make things up, but if he doesn't call you, is because he's not the right person for you. You have to wait though, i know it's hard, but you have to remember exactly what he told you...sweety he's confused, and if you keep calling him, and looking desperate, he's going to freak out and things are going to get worse, be patient. I'm sure he misses you already, he's just trying to organize his thoughts alone...i hope this helps...
Author shopgrl Posted October 14, 2003 Author Posted October 14, 2003 thanks for your reply.... So he called me this weekend and we just talked as we would have 3 weeks ago when we were still together. He didn't mention anything about "us" so neither did I. We are supposed to go to lunch on Thursday. For what?? I don't know. We just both decided that it wouldn't be a bad idea (whatever that means). He's supposed to call me on Thursday to make further plans but we'll see what happens. So, assuming that we do go to lunch, what should I say???--- I mean. if he doesn't bring "us" up-- I don't know if I should just play it cool and not mention anything about "us" or if I should find out where he stands. I don't want to sound pushy but I think I have a right to know because I don't have time to waste on a relationship that isn't going anywhere. My biological clock is ticking!!! What do you think?
kurty Posted October 14, 2003 Posted October 14, 2003 relax.. i know its hard but no point rushing. a gal did question me something, whats the point of knowing the answer while the answer sometime could hurt you? for your case, i think you just relax. dress well and enjoy the day. listen to what he gonna say. if he really miss you, he might pop the question. if he don't, that doesn't mean he don't miss you , could be he's not ready yet. give each other some time. treat it like a normal friend who dates you out for a normal lunch, that way, you got no expectation of the outcome. open your eyes wide and see if you really like him or there could be someone better for you?
MercyRose Posted October 14, 2003 Posted October 14, 2003 Do you think he felt controlled, trapped or resentment towards me? For some reason men can't take little squabbles about small things very well. It may very well be that there have been too many petty arguments and not enough loving and happy times. I recently read somewhere that for every one bad time in a relationship there must be another five good so a man doesn't get overwhelmed. What can I say, men! So this could be one of the reasons. Do you think he's scared of taking the next step in commitment? This could also be a reason. Sometimes men will happily talk of marriage and may even bring up the subject often saying its what they want. Then when it feels more like a reality than a fantasy far in the future they suddenly get scared. It may not be what they want after all and thoughts enter their mind and it goes into fear of reality overload. Thoughts such as all the hassles and responsibilities, financial issues, being with one partner forever, what they will have to give up. I want to call him so bad but I don't want to look like some pathetic little girl. I'm just scared that he'll never call me again. I feel so betrayed and I know he is the man meant for me. But you are not a pathetic little girl you are an adult and you have a right to know. Playing mind games now and protecting your ego is just causing too much pain for you when what you really want is answers to your questions. Call him to meet for a chat. Tell him: You realize the petty squabbling plus both your busy and stress lifestyles have contributed to unhappiness in your relationship together. You both lost sight of the reasons that you are in a relationship, to love and support each other, share happy times together and share life together. You are willing to try again to find that love and happiness you once had together and bring it back to the relationship if he is willing too. After discussing that and if he is willing to work on your relationship and give it another chance, then you will have to bring up if by being in a relationship with you means to him that he sees you as a possible marriage partner. You must clarify this point because if he does not want marriage at all with you at some point in the future then you will most likely not even want the relationship with him to continue if thats your dream. Even though this realization will hurt immensely... You will want to move on and find someone who is interested in a relationship with a possible end result of marriage. Your ex must have the intention of working on the relationship and the intention of the possibility of marriage for this relationship to to heal and flourish.
UCFKevin Posted October 14, 2003 Posted October 14, 2003 Boy, I'm basically going through the same thing, only it's my girlfriend who who wants the break and the time to herself. It's been over a month, and it's been the hardest damn thing I've ever had to do. The break is basically my fault aside from her needing time for school and work, I've been very selfish and ungiving and I realize it now, I just hope I get the chance to make things better. She keeps saying she doesn't want to change me, but if I don't change, I lose her, and that's something I'm not willing to let happen. Anyway, there were two things I could've done after the break. I could've either A) Let things go and wait for her to come back to me, not contacting her at all. B) Fight for her, let her know how I feel and try to make things right. I opted for B. I wonder all the time what would've happened if I went with A, but that's something I just can't do. Things got a little better, for a while there it was like it was back to normal and it was wonderful. You see, we would basically see each other almost every day before the break, but after the break that went to like once a week, if that. One week, last weekend, I saw her four times and that was like experiencing pure nirvana. Then I only saw her twice the next week and she wanted to spend time with her friends instead of me. It's extremely hard to deal with that, being the selfish bastard that I am, I want to see her as much as possible, but that can't happen. So I have to accept it even though I'm not that happy about it. I get upset sometimes and I tell her about my feelings and it's usually redundant and that bothers her and gets her upset which makes me feel like ****, but that's how it goes. I can't just sit on feelings and thoughts, never have been able to. My advice for you? Fight for him. If he doesn't respond well, then it's not meant to be. I'm not sure how many breaks end up well if the other doesn't fight, I can't imagine there are too many successful stories. Personally, I don't really understand breaks, but it's not mine to understand I guess.
Author shopgrl Posted October 15, 2003 Author Posted October 15, 2003 Thanks for your response. My gut feeling has been to fight for our relationship since after the break up. I've been through many, many break ups and heart aches but nothing like this. I want to talk to him about everything and see what happens. I've just never done something like that before. I guess if we are truly in love with each other things will work out. I'm so scared of rejection that it would almost be easier to just say forget about everything but in my heart I know that's not the right thing for me to do. As for your situation-- I'm glad to hear that you and your girlfriend are back together. It may be a good sign that you are not seeing each other every single day. Give her time to enjoy her friends and miss you and you should have time to enjoy your friends as wel. I think sometimes, seeing each other too much can make the relationship boring because it's the same thing day in, day out. I think that was one of the problems in my relationship-- everything was so repetitive. From a girls standpoint, if my ex boyfriend and I do get back together, I definitely do not want to see him everyday and I want us to spend more time with our friends. I want a fresh start. I've realized that couples need some sort of social life separate from each others. I think it will add some excitement back into the relationship. I think going back to the "dating stage" may revive the relationship. I haven't talked to my ex since this weekend. As I wrote in an earlier post, we are supposed to go to lunch tomorrow. He is supposed to call me to make arrangements tomorrow but we'll see what happens. If he doesn't call, then I know it's over forever. However, if he calls and we do go to lunch, do you think I should take the opportunity to talk about "us"? When I spoke with him over the weekend, he asked me what's on my mind and if I had something to talk about so I was getting the impression that he wanted me to start talking about something (maybe us) but I just couldn't bring myself to it, especially on the phone. What do you think?
Author shopgrl Posted October 16, 2003 Author Posted October 16, 2003 Well the saga is finally over and I'm moving on. To make a long story short, my ex called yesterday and said that lunch wasnt a good idea because he has too many feelings and emotions for me and seeing me would mess him up. He told me that he feels we should break up and go our separate ways and that he has some issues of his own to work out. He said that over the past few months we've had some unhappy times and I dont treat him how he deserves to be treated (I do everything for him). He said that maybe in 6 months our paths will cross and we'll get back together. In response, I told him that I feel we should break up too but that I don't have 6 months to waste and that I'm moving on to find someone who shares the same ideas and goals as myself. He became frustrated a few times throughout the conversation (which I didn't want to happen but oh well) and he told me that he is not asking me to wait for him. I actually told him that I am happy we are breaking up now because I would have ended things next year anyway if I didn't have a ring. I know that's a crappy thing to say but it's so true--we would have been dating for almost 3 years, I'm 25 he's 34 and I'm so ready to start a family and obviously he is not and I dont think he ever will be (honestly, I think that's his underlying problem). He said that it will hurt him if he sees me with another guy but he just wants me to be happy ( I don't understand when guys say this). Thanks for all the advise. A part of me feels relieved that it's over and a part of me is hurt. I'm looking forward to living the single life, getting to know myself better and hopefully someday, sooner than later, finding Mr. Right, wherever he may be.
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Posted October 16, 2003 The right thing happened but for the wrong reason. He didn't want to see you because of his feelings and emotions for you? That's the biggest bunch of BS ever. If he had those feelings and emotions for you, he'd want to stay with you. I don't think this guy knows what the hell he's doing or what he's thinking. It will hurt, I'm sure you've been through this before. But you have a good attitude about it, that's very classy to be honest. Well done.
Author shopgrl Posted October 16, 2003 Author Posted October 16, 2003 I totally agree with you that it's BS and I think you're absolutely right that he doesn't know what the hell he wants or what the hell he is doing. I don't know what happened to him. I guess that explains his need for the break up and need to "sort things out". He also told me yesterday that he does not have any for sure answers for me (whatever the hell that means). I can't help but to think that his underlying problem is that he is afraid to take our relationship to the next level which would be marriage. All signs point that way and my mother has been telling me that for about 1 year now. You know what they say-- mom's know best! I should have listened to her. I mean come on now, he's just about 34, the question remains in my mind-- if he's not ready now, will he ever be and would it have ever happened
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Posted October 16, 2003 Incredibly doubtful. You seem like a pretty smart woman, you got a good head on your shoulders.
Author shopgrl Posted October 16, 2003 Author Posted October 16, 2003 Thanks alot for the complement and the great advise . It's nice to hear a guy's point of view on things rather than just hearing my (girl) friends perspectives. You have reassured me that I'm not crazy-- that this relationship wasn't really going to the next level and that it was all just talk. Like I said, that is something I refused to believe for the past year. I can kick myself in the *** for being so naive. But I guess every relationship happens for a reason, I'm just trying to figure out why this one even happened if it was just going to end like this.
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Posted October 16, 2003 Well...you can't go into every single relationship thinking it's going to be THE One. They're all learning experiences. Sometimes it ain't too clear what you're learning, though. ANd I'm glad to help. Very glad. I'm going through some tough times and helping out others is really making me feel a little better to be honest.
Author shopgrl Posted October 16, 2003 Author Posted October 16, 2003 If you ever need any help, just let me now, I'll be glad to give you my opinion or advise, I owe it to you. You know, I've had several long term relationships (maybe that's my problem!!) but I've never, ever have been so serious and so sure about a relationship as I was about this one. I mean, although i sensed something was different a few weeks ago, I was absolutely 100% sure that he was "the one" no questions about it. And he led me to believe the same exact thing. We always said we could get through anything, we were a team. Ha, Ha, Ha---What a joke! Maybe I'm crazy but for some reason, my gut is telling me that this isn't the end of "us"--whatever that means. But I'm sure it's just because we have such a history together it's tough to think about him not in my life.
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Posted October 16, 2003 Well, for now, you're doing what's right. If later in time things change and he comes back into your life, let whatever happen, happen. Who knows, maybe it'll work out.
Author shopgrl Posted October 16, 2003 Author Posted October 16, 2003 Yeah, I guess you're right. Anything can happen and only time will tell. If he ever does come back around, I hope that I'm already happy with someone else, or at least happy without him. I hate the fact that I still care and I wish it would disappear over night. It's easy to mask the hurt but I can't hide the pain.
UCFKevin Posted October 16, 2003 Posted October 16, 2003 Oh, if only. And if only I could go back in time a few months and fix things when I first screwed things up and this nonsense I'm in began. If only.
Author shopgrl Posted October 16, 2003 Author Posted October 16, 2003 Don't blame everything on yourself. It takes two. I mean, couples have problems, some choose to work through them together, others choose to break up and handle things on their own. Some say a break up is good because it makes you appreciate what you had, others disagree and I'm somewhere between the two. Personally, my ex went through some tough times last year with going back to school and low cash flow. It was hard on me because he wasn't 100% but I understood because he had alot in his hands. Even though at times he didn't show me his all I stood by his side because I knew the time would pass and because I was in love with him. My point is that if someone is truly in love with you, even if there's a point in the relationship wherein you don't show them 100% or you act selfish or ungiving they would work through the problem with you or they would take a break, sort out their thoughts and feelings, realize that they love you and try to get back together with you. So please don't be so hard on yourself. It is not all your fault that your relationship is how it stands today. Your girlfried could have chose to handle the situation differently (as could have my boyfriend). In order for a relationship to work, both parties must be WILLING to work at it.
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