jenniferlm Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 So first date went well!! Very well. I was surprised. He emails me almost immediately after and says he hopes i was serious about wanting to go out again. I thought it was kind of sweet. Well...second date rolls around and he's pounding down the beer. He had four LARGE ones before I'd even finished small glass of wine. He proceeds to text his friends from school he's going to see next week when he visits them. Throughout the meal. He also goes into this long diatribe of how he has lost faith in people, everyone cheats on everyone, he knows this because he sees it all the time at his job, and he just doesn't see himself having a relationship that is successful while he has this job...blah blah. OH, and he also asks me who I dated last...if this person had the same job as him (which he did, he was in the army) I found this to be a bit strange, and I def. got the feeling that he wasn't all that pleased to hear the answer. At this point I'm just wanting to leave. I was having a horrible time. I bring up that it's getting late and I have to go...and he walks me out the restaurant to the front of my car... and says, well if you want to do something in the next few days before I leave, give me a call..... ????? I mean, wtf was that? Where on earth is this guy coming from??? I'm in the process of writing him a nice "thanks but no thanks" letter that basically says we see the world and the people in it very differently. Am I right to do this? Or am I over reacting? I thought about just not ever returning calls or emails, but I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me, and I'm a huge proponent of treating people how you would like to be treated yourself. I'd want an email/phone call.
Alan430 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Maybe the guy had a really bad day. No excuse to bring it with him, but im all for giving people a second chance.
alphamale Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I'm in the process of writing him a nice "thanks but no thanks" letter that basically says we see the world and the people in it very differently. will that be sent snail mail or thru email? Am I right to do this? its better to be honest and up front when dating. you can lie all you want once you get married
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 The drinking, the complaining - on a second date?! when he barely knows you? This would def make me nervous. If you have good instincts though, then perhaps you can give him another try. Personally for me, I would be done because this is when people are on their best behavior. . . .imagine what happens later on with this guy then!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 This is really poor behavior, and not respectful of you. Slamming beers, texting throughout the meal, complaining about anything and everything...as my mother is fond of saying, he needs to be sent to manner school!
Tony T Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 No second chance for this guy...no emails either...no phone calls. Let him call you. When he does, very nicely tell him why you aren't interested in seeing him again. Then hang up and forget him. If you don't take major hints about the way people are, you will be the big loser. Just think, if Nicole Brown Simpson would have taken the hint the first time O.J. beat her to a pulp, she might be alive today. (An exaggerated example, but one nevertheless.) This guy won't change, he has no manners and he will ultimately be an embarrassment to you. Why would you want to go out with him again and expose yourself to the BS?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I wouldn't write a note. He said to call him if you are interested., You're not. Leave it at that.
Author jenniferlm Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 eh. not calling and leaving it hanging isn't nice IMO. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. I know it's always better to give someone a reason. I have no problem being honest, but being tactful and polite at the same time. I could forgive the beers if he's had a bad day, no one is perfect. The texting however, is rude, and shows a lack of respect. And his diatribe about relationships and how he's lost faith in them says to me, that there won't be any chance at a future with he and I, AND I don't agree with his outlook on things...I think it's too different from the way I think and feel about people and the world. I guess the question was whether I'd be right in writing him that I'm no longer interested, or if I was being over sensitive or over analyzing the situation...
D-Lish Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Jay-sus!!! That's poor behaviour, I wouldn't even acknowledge him with an e-mail. Lots of red flags... and only the second date. That very negative view of life he spouts? That's the biggest red flag. Drinking his ass off and texting during dinner? It's no wonder you wanted to get up and go. Nope, you don't owe him any response. If he contacts you- you can then politely decline- otherwise, I don't see why it's worth bothering with. He acted like a tool.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 You've only had two dates. He said to call if you are interested, which you are not. He's not going to be too upset about it. Obviously if he was really interested in you, he would have made much more effort. I think you want to write him the email because you WANT to tell him that you were disappointed by the date. Not that you would come out and say that, mind you. By taking the time and effort to tell him that he is not your cup of tea, without any prompting from him, is your way of telling him this. Now if he called you or emailed you, then definitely, tell him. But if he doesn't bother to call? No way.
Author jenniferlm Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 no. I can come out and say I would like to tell someone that "they're not my cup of tea" There's nothing wrong with being honest and telling someone that...and WHY. I wouldn't want someone to go out with me...ask them to give me a call, and then never hear back from them w/out a reason. He did act interested...but I just am not up for returning that interest. I'd rather not leave someone hanging. Perhaps there's someone else he could be asking out instead? I wouldnt want someone to not give ME a reason. I think too many people don't treat someone how THEY would like to be treated. I would want someone to tell me they aren't interested and why... I plan on saying that he's not wrong for his opinion, just that I find we see things so different that it makes us incompatible as far as dating goes.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Well, you asked our opinion. You said you thought about not calling back, but maybe you think you should write an email. So you've been given some opinions here, and now you are telling us that we are wrong, and that you are right. So why did you ask in the first place? Go ahead, if you feel that strongly about it.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 After two dates, would you really want someone telling you why they don't want to go out with you again? What if they thought you were boring? What if they didn't feel attracted to you anymore? Would you really want to hear that?
chrislovestosurf Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 guy sounds like a douchebag. Doesnt understand proper date etiquette either. If he is that much of a downer on the second date then imagine a relationship? And how the hell is he going to compare people at his job to the outside world? Makes no sense. Why would you write a letter to him? Isnt that a little much? Just stop talking to him.
tkgirl Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I wouldn't write a note. He said to call him if you are interested., You're not. Leave it at that. exactly! why waste your time even worrying about this loser?
Author jenniferlm Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Yeah sure I would. My self esteem is not so fragile. I know I CAN be boring at times. I'm cool with that. I know I'm attractive. Maybe I'm no supermodel though, and I'm fine with that too. I also realize that some people like red-heads, some people like BBW, some people like big boobs...etc etc. And I don't take it personally if I don't meet their physical ideal. If they were looking for someone who was a go getter with a ton of interests, and who has legs for miles, I'd rather him just come right out and say that. I can go look for someone else who LIKES my boring self. lol I am happy with being boring...and there's nothing I can do about my looks. But if it was something I did, that I didn't even realize I was doing, or was something in which I was at fault...he'd be doing me a favor, cause then I wouldn't be making the same mistake over and over again. Fact is, most people would want to know. Who wants to wonder??
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 But then you would be doing him a favor, and he doesn't really deserve that after his awful behavior. Then again, if it saved another woman from an equally awful date....nah. Still not worth it.
D-Lish Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 After two dates, would you really want someone telling you why they don't want to go out with you again? What if they thought you were boring? What if they didn't feel attracted to you anymore? Would you really want to hear that? I was thinking along the same lines. I was thinking if it were me, and a guy wrote me an email after 2 dates explaining why he wasn't interested.... I would think he was pompous.
tkgirl Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Yeah sure I would. My self esteem is not so fragile. I know I CAN be boring at times. I'm cool with that. I know I'm attractive. Maybe I'm no supermodel though, and I'm fine with that too. I also realize that some people like red-heads, some people like BBW, some people like big boobs...etc etc. And I don't take it personally if I don't meet their physical ideal. If they were looking for someone who was a go getter with a ton of interests, and who has legs for miles, I'd rather him just come right out and say that. I can go look for someone else who LIKES my boring self. lol I am happy with being boring...and there's nothing I can do about my looks. But if it was something I did, that I didn't even realize I was doing, or was something in which I was at fault...he'd be doing me a favor, cause then I wouldn't be making the same mistake over and over again. Fact is, most people would want to know. Who wants to wonder?? so if you really think writing him this email will help him so much then write it already... jeez girl! But IMHO I think you'd have a better chance "saving him"... or whatever it is you hope to accomplish... by NOT calling him and maybe he'll get the hint... or not! Are you thinking that maybe you can change him? Then you guys can date some more? what is it that you want?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Yes, I would too. This happened to a friend of mine. After two dates he sent her an email. A nasty email. He even called her "frigid" because she wouldn't sleep with him, even though they did hook up a little bit. It was a frighteningly aggressive and angry email.
Author jenniferlm Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 well calling someone frigid and being nasty isn't what I had in mind.... and again, the question wasn't whether to let him know I'm not interested, but whether I was RIGHT for not being interested. And not over reacting, and being over sensitive. I've had people tell me why they weren't interested. They weren't being pompous...it's called honesty. Again, we should all treat people how we would want to be treated. Right? I have no intention of being rude, as really, he's entitled to ANY opinion he wants as far as relationships, people being worthless, etc etc. It's just that his view is so different than mine, that it makes us incompatible. I really don't think he's wrong for feeling as he does...a lot of people do feel that way these days. And it's great, actually, that he's able to be so honest so quickly with someone about how he feels... That way no one finds this out months later and realizes they wasted their time. And NO I don't want to change him. That's something I would NEVER do to someone. It's a waste of time, and not my bag really. At my age, (and the age of my dating pool) that's really a NON issue, as we're all WAY into our adulthood, and pretty much set in our ways.
tkgirl Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 well calling someone frigid and being nasty isn't what I had in mind.... and again, the question wasn't whether to let him know I'm not interested, but whether I was RIGHT for not being interested. And not over reacting, and being over sensitive. I've had people tell me why they weren't interested. They weren't being pompous...it's called honesty. Again, we should all treat people how we would want to be treated. Right? I have no intention of being rude, as really, he's entitled to ANY opinion he wants as far as relationships, people being worthless, etc etc. It's just that his view is so different than mine, that it makes us incompatible. I really don't think he's wrong for feeling as he does...a lot of people do feel that way these days. And it's great, actually, that he's able to be so honest so quickly with someone about how he feels... That way no one finds this out months later and realizes they wasted their time. And NO I don't want to change him. That's something I would NEVER do to someone. It's a waste of time, and not my bag really. At my age, (and the age of my dating pool) that's really a NON issue, as we're all WAY into our adulthood, and pretty much set in our ways. for what it's worth... yes, I do think you're VERY right for NOT being interested!!! but if you think you still might be? well, you're on your own...
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 for what it's worth... yes, I do think you're VERY right for NOT being interested!!! but if you think you still might be? well, you're on your own... Ditto !!!!
Isolde Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Wow you're really overthinking this. It sounds almost as if you like him.
era Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Okay, so you keep repeating ad nauseum that you would not like that done to you - the no calling and no email after two dates. Are you forgetting one simple fact? You don't like him. You have to act on a level that he'll understand...do not contact him...he'll 'get' it.
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