Just found out that my ex has a new gf. Why has he been contacting me again?

[BlackButterfly]

Sorry it's so long, but I desperately need advice and guidance! :'-(

 

My ex and I had a pretty tumultuous relationship towards the end. He and I began dating when we were 19 years old and we are 22 now. The relationship lasted about 3 yrs and we were each others' first loves and even had plans to marry. No relationship is perfect and we did bicker once in a while, but for the first half of our relationship, we really made each other happy. We used to have so much fun together and always wanted to be by each others' side. I was always a great gf to him. Never cheated on him a day in my life and was generous, loving, and supportive. He was the one who pursued the relationship initially, and was even the one who said he loved me first. I don't know where we went wrong.

 

After a year and a half into the relationship, I noticed that he started to change and took me for granted alot. Then when he transferred schools (we were not in a long distance relationship because our schools were in the same city), he started having alot more female "friends" that I never knew about unless I sought out information on my own. He had female friends before this, but I never had a reason to doubt him because he always wanted me to meet them and never seemed like he had anything to hide, so I trusted him. He just became really sneaky with alot of things. We started arguing alot more, and I became suspicious of him and other women. Eventually, I found out that he kissed another girl and we split for a month. Prior to this period, I NEVER felt like I had a reason to ever question his commitment to me, because I thought we were so in love. I couldn't believe that he could do something like that to me. He claimed that he was confused, didn't know what he wanted, and said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship (after 1 yr and 8 months, mind you). So in October of 2007, I was distraught, but I let him go.

 

About 3-4 weeks later, he comes back and says that letting me go was the biggest mistake of his life, and that he now realized that I was the one he wanted. We got back together and dated for another year. The year was difficult for me because I had lost all of my trust in him, and I didn't see him the same way, although I still loved him deeply. I guess he had just broken my heart so badly that it took a while for it to heal.

 

Anyway, after about 6 months, he started saying that he was tired of me not trusting him. I had caught him in a few lies since we had gotten back together, and while I was never the overly jealous girlfriend, I still questioned his commitment to me because of what he had previously done. This lead to several arguments because I felt like he was not being understanding of me, and he felt like I wasn't being understanding of him.

 

Once, he even initiated that we take a break because he was going crazy with all of the "stress" I was putting him under. The "break" lasted for about 4-5 days and then he came back to me saying that he knows we have our problems, but he loved me and wanted to make it work.

 

We talked it out, and agreed that he will try harder to show that he was trustworthy again, and I would try harder to let go of the past. I stuck to my word, but he didn't stick to his. My woman's intuition told me that he was up to no good, and I found incriminating messages from other women in his phone and confronted him. He swore that the girls were just friends, but in my heart I knew better. We had a huge fight and he told me that he loves me and always will (probably bull), but doesn't think he's ready for a relationship right now because he doesn't know what he wants. He said that we need some time to ourselves, said that I deserve 110% and more and he's sorry he wasn't able to give that to me. This was our most recent split in November of 2008. We went our separate ways, and only chatted occasionally.

 

Within the last couple of weeks, he has been contacting me a bit more frequently, and even asked to hang out earlier in the week, which I agreed to. We hung out and actually had a great time. Laughing and enjoying each others company like we used to. The very next day, I find out through a mutual friend on Facebook that he seems to be in some sort of relationship with one of the girls that I accused him of cheating on me with while we were together! It looks like they've been spending alot of time together right after he and I broke up. (He doesn't know that I know this). I hate him for lying to me. He obviously has the girl he wants and he seems to be happy with her judging from the pictures, so why the hell is he trying to come back into my life, and why is he trying to be so nice? Could he just be selfishly trying to ease his guilt? Should I tell him what I know and then politely ask him to never contact me again? Or, should I just continue to ignore him without saying anything? Is it possible that he never truly loved me at all? I'm just really hurt because he was the love of my life, and once upon a time, I thought I was the love of his :'-(

 

Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you guys, in advance.

 

 

***I'd also like to add that he has deliberately been trying to keep this relationship, or whatever he as with this girl, hidden from me because he has conveniently made all of his pictures with her private online. (This is what the mutual friend told me, because I removed him from Facebook on my own once we split.)

[Beautiful Inside]

i have your answer.... GUYS ARE SO ****IN SELFISH they cant stand to see their girl or ex girl with a new man they just cant! so instead of being upfront and honest and let them go like they should they have to stay in the girls life somehow that way the girl still feels hope that maybe one day everything will come together and by that hope they never move on to another guy....guys seem to think this is the way to keep the old girls latched on their sides this way they dont have to experience the pain of seeing an ex with someone new....that horrible feeling.....it sux but its the truth....

[JoL]

Blackbutterfly, I feel for you. Breaking up is really tough- but it is always made tougher by keeping the person in your life. You really need to cut this guy off- 100%.

 

He is keeping you hanging around because if the new GF doesn't work out, he will come running back to you with his declerations of "I made a mistake" like all the other times before. Do you really want to be the runner-up prize?

 

Isn't this exactly what he was doing when you were together- hanging out with other women and lying to you about it? He is doing the exact same thing to his new GF.

 

This guy is not good for you, he is keeping you around for his own needs- not yours. You need to forget about this guy, move on and find someone who deserves you- this is your ex's biggest fear.

 

My suggestion is that you completely and 100% go NO CONTACT. You don't owe him any explainations. If he insists on knowing why you are ignoring him- tell him that you think it's best if you don't communicate any longer. You have NOTHING to gain from staying in touch with him. You won't be able to heal and move on from this guy until you cut him out of your life.

 

He is selfish, immatue and is using you- he doesn't deserve your love!

[BlackButterfly]

Thank you guys for your responses. I really appreciate it. You're all right. I need to let go of him and move on with my life. I have already told myself that this is what is best for me. I guess it still hurts because I wished that someday he would look back and regret all of the things that he put me through. Guess I just have to accept that that's not going to happen.

[AMM003]

Yeah, leave the guy. You have a responsibility to yourself to do what's best for you. and that is leave. It's really hard. But you're worth it. He will keep doing the same thing over and over again. Even if he doesnt do it for awhile, another temptation will come along. And he will fail the test again. My ex for 6 years did that to me and I naively forgave her. Except for the last time. Could you imagine what you could do in six years(or however long). Meet really nice people worthy of your trust, love, and care. You could also get a couple college degrees in that time. Go places where you have never been.

 

Lose the guy -

[openbook08]

OH MY GOD!

this is practically MY exact story

im literally sittin here gob wide open

im rushing off now but ill talk with you later

this is so freaky...

NC immediately and DO NOT tell him youre doing so

hang in there, we've a lot in common!