danb Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Ok, little back story here, ill try to be fairly brief. I met this girl through an online game and we became good friends. I really liked her but she lives far away so I never gave the idea of us getting closer than friends a chance and left it at that. Well she had other ideas and eventually let me know how she felt about me. I told her my feelings and we continued as a little more than friends. Not really sure how to put it, this is my first online "experience"(cant really call it dating:laugh:). We've known each other as friends for maybe 6 months before this, its been about 6 weeks since then. The first few weeks we were spending more time together than ever, constantly saying sweet nothings to each other, it was really nice, i thought things were going well. Then it stopped sorta abruptly. After not talking as much for a few days she called me to tell me that she knows shes been missing me and has just been going through a lot at home. That I shouldn't worry, she just scares easily, was hurt by her last bf, and wants to take things slow. She also told me she would be very upfront about things and wouldn't lead me on. Well we did slow down, to the point of almost no contact. I mean we still talk occasionally or text, but it went from hours a day to once or twice a week, usually just text, and she doesn't ever seem to play the game anymore. I cant think of her saying 1 nice thing to me or about me in weeks, we don't even talk like when we were "just friends". Before she made time, a lot of time for us to be together in some way, not now, and also now shes very slow to return calls or texts. So I ask her about it all, her feelings about me and she says things are fine, shes just busy and this and that, again saying shes been clear and honest with me about her feelings. But this goes on, its been over a week since we spoke. I'm just confused and frustrated. Shes a great girl, I'm willing to do a lot to make things work, but it feels like she doesn't care for me anymore. I've basically come to this conclusion and I'm ok with that. But I worry that if she is being truthful about her feelings towards me, and is just scared/confused/idk what, I would be making a big mistake in giving up. Im 27, shes 23. I'm a pretty easy going guy and she knows it. If she wanted to be just friends I would be fine with that. Even if she told me she didn't want to have any contact I would be ok and respect that. I know a lot of people often suggest more communication, but I feel we've had enough in this area and im just reading her actions. I don't want to pressure her if thats why shes backing off. This would be a lot easier if I didnt care about her so much! Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated, thanks!
boxing123 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 All guys have dated a woman like this, and none of us know what it means..
Beautiful Inside Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 coming from a girls perspective i feel like shes giving you the cold shoulder man, seriously when a girl is head over heels over a guy its so exciting ok ive been with my man for 2 yrs now and we still text everyday all day when were at work and call as well so its hard for me to try and see things as shes saying shes busy or a lot going on at home when your with someone u share everything with them thats good and bad you have them there to comfort you with any issues you could possibly be going through...does this make sense? ...i dunno im just saying i feel like she doesnt wanna hurt your feelings but at the same time i dont think shes being 100 percent honest about everything
Author danb Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks for the quick response, and yes I have to agree. If you want to be with someone you make time.
Katherineos123 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Im going to have to say that unfortunately, it seems as though "she's just not that into you" When a girl is really crazy about a guy, and she feels as though it is reciprocal, she wont hide it. It seems as though things started off strong, and sort of fizzled out. That happens. On the other hand, she could be playing games with you. Perhaps she's pulling away in order for you to chase her a little bit. Maybe you should call her more, and prove to her that you care. Or maybe she's scared of getting too close to a man who lives so far away. Long distance relationships are really hard, and they arent for everyone. Maybe she's been through it before, and it didnt go well. If I were you, I would give her a little bit more time to reach out to you, and if she doesnt and you are still feeling lost, then just call her and ask her what shes thinking.
BCCA Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 All guys have dated a woman like this, and none of us know what it means.. I was just thinking the same thing!!! again saying shes been clear and honest with me about her feelings To me, red flag. Generally, people who ARE being honest and upfront dont feel the need to tell you. When people do, its usually because they want to make sure you heard what they DID and DID NOT say. She isnt saying she wants to be with you, be more than friends, etc...shes just kind of blowing you off, but making sure you know she isnt a bad person because she didnt tell you she wouldnt blow you off. Kind or ridiculous, really, but Ive never heard of someone talking about how honest and upfront they were if they really were. She just wants you to go away for now, but not be upset or think shes done anything wrong. i feel like shes giving you the cold shoulder man Totally.
youknowmyname Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Yup, same situation with me, which you can read about it in my most recent entries. She said the same things to me, like "I'm someone who's upfront and honest about.... yadda yadda." With me and this girl, it's been about 3 months, but we are not in a long-distance relationship. However, we still hooked up again about 3 weeks after she began to pull back, and definitely showed signs of interest (even if it may not lead anywhere). The key, though, is that you're in a long-distance situation. And when she pulls back from that (which I've both done, and had done to me)--it is really hard to resolve in your favor. She MAY just want you to chase her more, but she must know she is playing with fire, because pulling back, given the long-distance, means there is definitely something she's not telling you. I don't mean another person, I just mean, she has feelings she's not telling you. That said, as I get older (I'm 30) I've really come to feel that this whole notion of--if she's into, she'll show it--is just not always the case. A lot of times it is, but when someone has been hurt in the past, or had a bad breakup recently, or whatever, people REALLY DO work to protect themselves--not everybody, but people do it. My advice (...grain of salt and all that), predicated on the fact that this is a long distance thing, is to just chase her a bit. Don't let it end if you don't want to. You have to game her a little bit (it sucks and I wish it wasn't so) as you chase her, sure, but if your interest is high, then go for it. Trust me, if she doesn't want you, you'll get the message eventually: and you'll accept it and move on. Just stay confident and remember that however great she is (and I'm sure she is), you can always move on to greener pastures.
Author danb Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 Thanks again for all the advice everyone. I decided to just forget about it, stopped calling/texting and thought if she tried me I would ignore it for at least a while. Then today she texts me, saying she is sorry for being busy and sucking at time management/multitasking and her dad is in the hospital again(hes deathly ill often/diseases). She says its no excuse and shes not being fair to me etc. This sort of talk is rare from her I guess, maybe grew up in a family where saying sorry never happens. She called while i was in the shower, I didn't answer obviously. If shes calling me to make it officially over that's fine and really id be glad cause then we could be just friends again. If shes calling me and wants to just act like nothings wrong, well i don't know what to do really. I guess because her dad is in the hospital I will just be nice, im sure she is extremely stressed about it. I guess im a little too attached or too pathetic to just give up on her, not sure which one it is. Thoughts?
Katherineos123 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 You could just plain ole ask her, yo, you want to do this or not??? "If you want to be friends, thats alright, but Im quite fond of you, and I would like to know where I stand." I mean, she did apologize. She has a lot going on in her life right now, so maybe its not the best time for her to start a relationship with anyone, but im sure she could use all the support and friends shes has to help her through it all. You could be that friend.... then just see where it goes from there.
pinkmarble Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Of course none of us are in the position to know what she's thinking, but if I were acting like that, it would be because I'm not completely interested.
samspade Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 If you want to be with someone you make time. Looks like you answered your own question.
bede86 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 All guys have dated a woman like this, and none of us know what it means.. Amen to that brother!!!
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I don't know - when I really like a guy, I'm not "too busy" to make time for him. If I have decided that maybe he's not really quite the one for me, I can slack on the communication. She might just be trying to not hurt your feelings. Or if she were to tell you that she decided she doesn't want to get romantically involved, she's worried she could lose you as a friend. I don't know. These are all guesses. I don't completely understand women that do this. But I'd say that what I guessed is probably a pretty safe bet.
bede86 Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 i just wish women who arnt interested would come out and say it. Instead of the whole avoiding ur boyfriend for weeks leading up to the breakup...two words could stop this.... "Not interested" lol. maybe im just a direct person i dun know
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