xenomaniac Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 is that a bad sign or a good sign? Stalkerdom/obsession or benign fascination? - He wants to know EVERYTHING about you (and your family, friends, day-to-day routine, childhood) - not only that, HE REMEMBERS EVERY DETAIL YOU TELL HIM. - He also tells you plenty about himself, his family, his views... - and seems legitimately invested in YOU remembering these details, as well - he contacts your friends and family on facebook just to "say hi"? - he remembers things like WHAT COLOR SHOES YOU WORE in a particular Christmas photo - he remembers minutiae of days you recounted to him MONTHS ago - he is "strategic" about how he asks you about your schedule/plans (he does his "research" before he asks to do something...he's rather shy) - he is eager to set-up future dates/plans/adventures together based on the slightest interest of an event/venue/subject on your end. (Example: mention an art gallery, and he'll of course say he's going to take you there). I mean, since I actually like this guy, I welcome his unbridled enthusiasm. That said, if it were a guy I DIDN'T reciprocate feelings for, I'd consider this borderline stalker behavior. Or am I just being cynical? Is this normal? Oh, and there's no way someone like this could actually be FEIGNING INTEREST, right? The effort he puts forth is tremendous.
Dawn26 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I recently met a guy like that!! He was soo into me and then BAM he wasn't!! I discussed this with my friends and they blamed it on my wishywashiness. I guess I was a bit flakey with him.....I don't think he understood I was playing hard to get....=(
Author xenomaniac Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 It's so jarring when that happens! Did you send him mixed signals?
Dawn26 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 If I knew then what I know now things would have evolved differently. I stopped victimizing myself and see it for what it is....yes I did send the guy mixed signals! He would ask me out and I always gave him the impression I was busy and would "try" to squeeze him in to my schedule. I know its dumb....I lost a good one =( Oh well......
zhsoj Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Haha... Mmm. I don't think this is all that strange, especially for a shy guy, but then I am one. Makes me wonder if that is what my problem with "her" is at the moment... I guess I should pretend to be dumb and uninterested. Of course I can't say for sure, but most of that seems rather harmless. He probably isn't the best conversationailst, but he probably feels pressure to keep the conversation going and will grasp at any little hint that you are interested. I can say that playing "hard to get" is likely to backfire here. It won't make him want you more, it will make him seriously doubt your interest level, and he will disappear if it's not very very clear that you are interested in him being around. It's often labeled as desperation... Whatever. The whole hard to get game is just as insane. "Most men live lives of quiet desperation" - Paraphrase of Thoreau
Chicago_Guy Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I recently met a guy like that!! He was soo into me and then BAM he wasn't!! I discussed this with my friends and they blamed it on my wishywashiness. I guess I was a bit flakey with him.....I don't think he understood I was playing hard to get....=( If you were "playing hard to get," then you didn't deserve him when it was obvious his interest was genuine. Being flakey or wishywashy is not attractive at all. Guys who don't play games are incompatible with women who play games. Men want women who appreciate them! (On a similar note, women who don't play games are likewise incompatible with men who play games.) Regarding the OP's question, I really don't see why remembering a lot of details that a woman has told a guy is a bad thing at all. Don't you want a guy whom you like to remember things about you?
Author xenomaniac Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Yes!!! I'm just scared it's too good to be true, haha. :-/
Trialbyfire Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 How long have the two of you been dating for? Are you in an exclusive relationship yet?
Author xenomaniac Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Since December. And no, not officially. Going into this, neither of us spoke of labels but I guess a normal, steady bf/gf relationship become my expectation by default. I really, really like him and I think everything I indicated above gives me ample reason to believe he feels the same! The thing is, he also has a very awkward, almost distant side occasionally and he's been badly burned in relationships before. He told me he doesn't date often and it's going to take him some time to figure out what kind of boyfriend he can be. I'm okay with this, because I really do sense that he's making progress. Also, I notice how pleased he seems when *I* put forth effort: it's obvious to be it's been a long time since he's had a girl really take care of him & I think it both thrills him and terrifies him a little. But he lights up when I mention little things he's told me (those little private references young couples create, ha), or when I worry about his safety, am overtly attentive, etc. And I am not generally the type of girl who expresses much emotion/care towards men! This time, though, it's extremely different: I really, really want this to work and I just want to know that my instincts are correct: that he really is into me, too.
Sam Spade Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I recently met a guy like that!! He was soo into me and then BAM he wasn't!! I discussed this with my friends and they blamed it on my wishywashiness. I guess I was a bit flakey with him.....I don't think he understood I was playing hard to get....=( Pardon my cynicism, but I'm pleased with this outcome. Let this be a lesson for all the cheap playing hard to get games out there . It is unfortunate that we've reached a point where most men feel compelled to brace themselves in order not to come as "too enthusiastic". I know who is to blame for this but won't tell .
Isolde Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Pardon my cynicism, but I'm pleased with this outcome. Let this be a lesson for all the cheap playing hard to get games out there . It is unfortunate that we've reached a point where most men feel compelled to brace themselves in order not to come as "too enthusiastic". I know who is to blame for this but won't tell . I couldn't agree more. Hard to get doesn't pay. Guys that want girls to play hard to get, either have issues, don't want commitment, or are extremely insecure.
Trialbyfire Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I doubt he's feigning interest but the amount of detail and information he's retained, could be ascribed to an analytical mind, which might be looking for red flags. Until or unless he shows some consistency (no push/pull, distancing, withdrawals) and a strong desire for commitment/exclusive relationship, I would take this very, very slowly. Be careful.
Author xenomaniac Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Thanks. Yeah, we're definitely taking it very slowly now. He's actually abroad at the moment, so we'll see how things are when he gets back. BTW, what do you mean by "red flags"? You mean he may not trust ME? :-/
Trialbyfire Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Since December. And no, not officially. Going into this, neither of us spoke of labels but I guess a normal, steady bf/gf relationship become my expectation by default. I really, really like him and I think everything I indicated above gives me ample reason to believe he feels the same! The thing is, he also has a very awkward, almost distant side occasionally and he's been badly burned in relationships before. He told me he doesn't date often and it's going to take him some time to figure out what kind of boyfriend he can be. The bolded sentences concern me. Also, the level of detail and memory for things you've said and done. It's now been three months or so, since you first started dating and he's still being cautious to the point where there's nothing official or exclusive about your relationship and this sentence makes me uneasy, like he's looking for a bolt hole "he's saying that it's going to take him time to figure out what kind of b/f he can be". Just take it slowly. Consider the above to be yellow flags of warning, where that last sentence, moves into the red flag area.
Isolde Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Also, the level of detail and memory for things you've said and done. How is this a red flag?
Author xenomaniac Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 I agree with that. But while I know things aren't perfect, the fact that he seems so intrigued by me makes me think he definitely wants me in his life; the next step is "defining" our roles to each other, I guess. I think because we have so much in common, it feels like we have this deeper connection that defies the short time we've known each other. And I do appreciate that he seems to want to know so much about me as a person. I'm always suspicious that men are in it for sex alone, but they don't usually put much effort into getting to know you/retaining that knowledge. And they don't share much about themselves. So, I think it comes down to awkward feelings about his past issues & how to move beyond them. Is there anything I can do to encourage him?
Trialbyfire Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 How is this a red flag? There are two reasons for this type of indepth analytics:Peeling back the onion because he's totally fascinated.Peeling back the onion, looking for red flags.I'm guessing that it's a combination of these two items because he's been previously burned and is proceeding forward so slowly. Once again, note the bolt hole.
kdark Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 How is this a red flag? It's a sign that he's trying too hard to impress. In other words, he may be working his player game really hard. But it's just a warning flag, not a guarentee
Author xenomaniac Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 It's a sign that he's trying too hard to impress. In other words, he may be working his player game really hard. But it's just a warning flag, not a guarentee Players usually just sweet talk you and pretend to notice things. Whereas the guy I'm with actually remembers things about me that *I* have forgotten. It seems like a lot of effort to put into a surface attraction, IMO. Oh, and he always mentions, as he discovers things about me, how crazy it is that we have all these unlikely similarities. He says it almost makes him nervous. But then, he'll like get a gleam in his eye & sort of blush when he says it, so I think it's actually a sign he feels very connected to me.
Isolde Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Yeah, it's interesting. Sometimes when I go out on dates, guys remember everything I say. Then again, sometimes they forget big facts I tell them. The former always seemed much more encouraging to me than the latter, but I suppose it could also signify things other than interest.
Author xenomaniac Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Would a player start messaging your brother, cousin, and friends on facebook? I kind of doubt it.
youknowmyname Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 For what it's worth, this guy sounds just like me (and no I'm not a stalker). When I first started seeing this girl around Christmas time, I asked her everything about herself: family, interests, aspirations, etc. And I can pretty much remember every single detail. I didn't even notice that there was anything special in my remembering absolutely everything (favorite ice-cream, an interview she scheduled for 3 weeks later, the name she WANTED to name her dog as a kid, but didn't, haha: everything!). And yes, I was really into her. In retrospect, given that we've slowed things down a bit, that demonstration of my interest in her probably hurt me getting what I want, because although she never said so outright, it probably scared her (expectations for a relationship, things moving fast, etc.). But I didn't think about it, I just saw something I wanted and went for it. So if you like him too, then it sounds like things are great. It's basic economics, nobody is going to invest all that effort into you if they didn't expect some great returns. If he was a player, you'd be lucky he remembered your name two weeks later.
Author xenomaniac Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Thanks! That makes me feel good. Like I said, instinctively, I can sense he really cares. Sometimes I myself get too analytical, when I should just listen to what my "heart" is saying instead.
You'reasian Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 If you were "playing hard to get," then you didn't deserve him when it was obvious his interest was genuine. Being flakey or wishywashy is not attractive at all. Guys who don't play games are incompatible with women who play games. Men want women who appreciate them! (On a similar note, women who don't play games are likewise incompatible with men who play games.) Regarding the OP's question, I really don't see why remembering a lot of details that a woman has told a guy is a bad thing at all. Don't you want a guy whom you like to remember things about you? You've hit the nail on the head.
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Is this the same guy you posted about on another forum? Is he the one who can't get over his ex and who is giving you significant doubts? If so, then I would take the comments here with a grain of salt. Something is holding this guy back and it may be his ex or whatever other commitment issues he has. I did recently date a guy for 3 months and he remembered everything - even kept notes on each date apparently. But he also was a commitmentphobe in the end because after 3 months he was scared. I think most men who want to commit have a good idea after 3 months. How regularly do you see this guy (how many times a week)? For me it was a lot 3x a week and he was really attentive, telling me why is it we agree on everything etc. . . until later when I learned of his fears of commitment. Anyway watch out! Is it the same guy who works in your industry which mentioned on another forum though? Again if so - tread carefully as TrialbyFire said.
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