Separation in the same House

[lovelinefan]

I've posted a few other places around the forum previous to today, but I need a new thread to vent my feelings into, or I might die.

 

As of this morning me and fiance are "separated", she is going to sleep in the guest bedroom of our house. She, "doesn't know what she wants from life", and, "isn't sure anymore that she can handle a serious relationship" - despite the fact that we have been together for 3.5 years, live together in a house we co-own, and we are engaged.

 

I hope from the deepest part of my soul that this is a temporary separation, but in my head, I don't think it is. I suggested today that maybe instead of the guest room, she might be more comfortable staying at her friend's house, while the air clears. She seems to have taken the idea and run with it, because the browser history on the computer makes it obvious that she is now searching for an apartment, as of this morning. Moving to an apartment is probably not a temporary arrangement, there are leases and finality attached to apartments. And she is looking in different cities.

 

Whether she is serious about her housing search, I can't be sure - she didn't tell me she was looking - I mean we've only had one very intensely emotional discussion about this, and that was this morning.

 

I think she might be trying to not hurt me, by letting me down slowly, but all that is going to do is cause me an ulcer. I want to know her true feeling about this relationship and it's future, but I don't know if she will give them to me. If I am to believe her, she doesn't know her own feelings yet, but her actions speak otherwise. I want to know that this is as hard for her as it is for me, but I don't think it is. She thinks we make good friends, and wants to stay friends, but I've told her how painful it would be for me to pretend to be friends while we aren't a couple.

 

In the mean time, while we still do live together, I don't know how to act. We've been together for so long, and I've taken care of her so long, I don't know what to do. Do I say "I love you" when she leaves? Do I still offer her dinner when I am cooking? Do we hang out and watch TV together still? Do I say "goodnight, I love you" when I go to bed at night? How am I supposed to live with someone that I still love so deeply, but who doesn't necessarily want anything to do with me while she figures out what she wants?

 

If I end up being what she wants, I don't want to have ruined our relationship while she figures it out. At the same time, I am driving myself absolutely mad thinking about her getting her own apartment and leaving me forever. The grief is crushing me. All I want to do is talk to her 24/7 until she comes to her senses, but I know that's a bad idea. Any moral support/idea/questions are greatly appreciated, I need help coping right now.

[RecordProducer]

I feel for you very much and I can relate to your story because I just got out of a similar thing. I want to note that what you described is a consequence of something - not a cause. Your fiancées withdrawal from a big plan (marriage) is caused by something. Perhaps she doesn't love you with all her heart, perhaps she isn't happy with you in some ways.

 

You must sit down with her and ask her what exactly didn't work for her. Don't settle for vague answers and "I dunno"s. She does know. Ask direct questions: was the sex good? Would you have changed anything? Did I help you enough when you needed help? Did I listen? Did I understand you? Did I talk too much? Did I talk too little? What traits don't you like in me? Etc. You get the picture. You know what questions to ask, I am just giving you examples. In any case, ask her if she is in love with you.

 

A conversation like this still might not enlighten you, because it's up to her to be completely open and honest with you. Sometimes people don't know what they want and they need to lose you in order to figure it out. However, your fiancée's behavior sounds like she met someone. She suddenly changes, moves to another room, and can't explain her feelings. Usually, when people say they need time or space or to find themselves or figure out what they want - it means they need to see if the new relationship will work. If it doesn't, they will stay with you. I don't know if she's found someone else, but she has, it means she has already given up on you.

 

Did you have any problems in the past? Did she complain about some things? Did she want you to change?

[lovelinefan]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I nearly positive that she hasn't found another man - I asked her about it directly, and she was honest with me.

 

We have had major sexual problems for a long time. We recently started counseling to help us sort out those problems, and that seems to be what brought this forward. Also, I am convinced she is pretty depressed about life in general, and she is finding herself suddenly trapped by our responsibilities and future together.

 

She says that she loves me still, but she doesn't know if what we have is what she wants in life, and she has to figure herself out for a while - I know it sounds like BS, but I am starting to believe that is the true reason that she wants to separate right now.

[RecordProducer]

OK, you know her well, you know when she's telling the truth.

 

You've had sexual problems on whose part? Who didn't want sex or who wasn't happy with the sex?

 

If she is depressed about life, as cruel as it may sound, maybe you should let her resolve those issues before she pulls you down with her. Way too often, depression is a cause of divorce.

[SRV]

 

She, "doesn't know what she wants from life", and, "isn't sure anymore that she can handle a serious relationship" -

 

She has found someone else, she is trying not to hurt you.

 

I hope from the deepest part of my soul that this is a temporary separation, but in my head, I don't think it is.

 

You are spot on right here.

 

She seems to have taken the idea and run with it, because the browser history on the computer makes it obvious that she is now searching for an apartment, as of this morning. Moving to an apartment is probably not a temporary arrangement.o.

 

In her mind she already left a longtime ago. She has just now finally connected her thoughts to her actions.

 

I think she might be trying to not hurt me, by letting me down slowly, but all that is going to do is cause me an ulcer. I want to know her true feeling about this relationship and it's future, but I don't know if she will give them to me .

 

You are right on this, she already said this to you in a subtle kind of way as not to hurt you, read more on quarter life crisis.

 

How am I supposed to live with someone that I still love so deeply, but who doesn't necessarily want anything to do with me while she figures out what she wants?

 

At this point there is nothing you can do, do not beg, plead, argue, bargain, support her decision, be calm, do not argue, do not say I love you. She has figured it out, at the moment, she is probably seeing someone or has her eyes set on someone and wants to pursue it.

 

The grief is crushing me. All I want to do is talk to her 24/7 until she comes to her senses, but I know that's a bad idea. Any moral support/idea/questions are greatly appreciated, I need help coping right now.

 

You need to take care of yourself right now, in the mindset that she might be gone forever, wish you luck.

 

 

Most of the time when it gets to this point, she had been thinking about it for a while and has finally acted on it. Surround yourself with friends, family for support, exercise, eat well and get enough rest. GL.

[lovelinefan]

Who didn't want sex or who wasn't happy with the sex?

 

She didn't want anything to do with me sexually. It escalated from a recurring bacterial infection to more complex psychological block, combined with depression, and probably a sex-drive suppressing birth control - this was a long process, where I should have asked for counseling much earlier.

 

She has found someone else, she is trying not to hurt you

 

If this is true, then she truly isn't human, and has no emotion and is a master at hiding her true intentions.

 

read more on quarter life crisis

 

I haven't actually called it this, but that is probably the exact term to describe what she is going through.

 

there is nothing you can do, do not beg, plead, argue, bargain

 

The only thing I've done is ask her to see the therapist one more time with me, I didn't beg. I also told her that I loved her immensely and that I will be here if she figured out that she wants me in her life. I've left it at that. I am having a really hard time not texting her - and she doesn't make it any easier, because she obviously is trying to pretend that we are still friendly, despite the knife through the heart.

 

When she came home last night, she asked me a few questions, and tried to start a conversation - I didn't really comply, and then I went to bed by myself.

 

It was the hardest night I have ever experienced in my life.

[lovelinefan]

Last night she laid her head on my chest while I was in bed, and told me that she missed me. She told me before she went to sleep in the spare room that she loved me.

 

We talked about all of the same things again, me urging her to seek individual counseling again, and I told her I am going by myself next week. She is obviously struggling with her decision to run away more than I thought she was, but she still doesn't see a way past the giant hurdle in the path of a life together. I hope she sees it soon, or she'll be gone.

 

Having her tell me that she misses me and loves me last night hurt incredibly bad.

[lovelinefan]

We're both home tonight. When I came home I was angry, now I can't stop crying. She seems to feel no emotion at all, and maybe that's what hurts the most.

[lovelinefan]

She moved out. She took a lot of her stuff - It's over. I can't sleep at night, but I am doing a pretty good job of limited contact. I am not sure what I would do now if she did decide she wanted to come back.

[D-Lish]

Hey,

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I do suspect as others have said, that she has been thinking about this for quite some time.

 

I also believe that she loves you- just not in a romantic sense. I had this happen with my ex- I loved him like crazy, but we had progressed to a point in our relationship where I saw him more like a brother than a lover. I had difficulty having sex with him as a result.

 

The first thing that has to happen is that it needs to sink in. You'll experience a variety of emotions over the next while. If she's left, looking for apartments, she's serious about the break up.

 

My ex and I lived together after our seperation while our house was on the market. Believe me- it's easier to NOT have them around. We were civil to one another- still did things together like friends... but it hurt both of us and prolonged the healing process.

 

I'd take a few days to let this settle in, then decide how to proceed with financial matters- think about selling the house... etc. Believe it or not- doing these kinds of things actually takes your mind off the grief a little.

 

How are you doing at the moment? Still not sleeping?

[lovelinefan]

Definitely not sleeping. I am doing pretty bad. When I do sleep, I am having dreams of her with other guys, and I wake up to racing thoughts.

 

It is very hard for me to come to terms that she doesn't love me romantically, because she initiated our relationship purely based on her "lust" at the beginning, and things went from there. I can understand that she has been a-sexual for a while now, and she is struggling with the idea of ever being sexual with me or anyone else, but how does love transform into non-romantic love?

 

All of my efforts in our relationship were to keep the romance alive, and she was a pro at ignoring or deflecting those efforts over the past year - it hurt each time, but I did not give up.

 

I have been told by many people that I should wait for things to settle, and I am definitely going to take the advice. In the mean time, I am maintaining LC.

 

Financial matters are basically already settled - I am going to get another job and keep the house, and she is going to be released from the responsibility that seems to be crushing her so badly, to go pay rent somewhere. I just hope that the legal matter of transferring the house into only my name won't be messy.

[D-Lish]

Definitely not sleeping. I am doing pretty bad. When I do sleep, I am having dreams of her with other guys, and I wake up to racing thoughts.

 

The things you think about in the last hour before sleep will remain forefront in your subconscious. This will be inevitable for the first little while. You can get to the point where you can train yourself to think about something else before bed so the dreams don't interrupt you.

For now- you really do have to embrace the grief.

 

 

It is very hard for me to come to terms that she doesn't love me romantically, because she initiated our relationship purely based on her "lust" at the beginning, and things went from there. I can understand that she has been a-sexual for a while now, and she is struggling with the idea of ever being sexual with me or anyone else, but how does love transform into non-romantic love?

 

There are many kinds of love, many ways to love a person. I lost my sex drive for my husband because he became more brotherly to me. We were so close and so entwined.... yet I lost my sexual feelings for him. I still loved him dearly- but that part of our relationship had changed. I think once it has changed- it's close to impossible to get back.

 

All of my efforts in our relationship were to keep the romance alive, and she was a pro at ignoring or deflecting those efforts over the past year - it hurt each time, but I did not give up.

 

I am pretty sure this is because she was already distancing herself.

 

I have been told by many people that I should wait for things to settle, and I am definitely going to take the advice. In the mean time, I am maintaining LC.

 

Take it one day at a time. You will have to have some contact to straighten things out. She must still have things at the house she needs- things need to be addressed. But- keep it all business for now.

 

Financial matters are basically already settled - I am going to get another job and keep the house, and she is going to be released from the responsibility that seems to be crushing her so badly, to go pay rent somewhere. I just hope that the legal matter of transferring the house into only my name won't be messy.

 

One thing to consider if this break up is final.... can you handle remaining in the house? Lots of memories that may be hard for you to deal with. I had to leave my house- everything in it reminded me of my ex.

[lovelinefan]

Thank you very much for the advice and concern, I appreciate the support.

 

I have been thinking about our history for a few days, and I believe that she hit a wall emotionally quite a while ago - she got to the point where she couldn't connect with me anymore on a real and emotional level - and that's where it all started going down hill. I was in denial, and I made excuses for her actions and depression.

[D-Lish]

Thank you very much for the advice and concern, I appreciate the support.

 

I have been thinking about our history for a few days, and I believe that she hit a wall emotionally quite a while ago - she got to the point where she couldn't connect with me anymore on a real and emotional level - and that's where it all started going down hill. I was in denial, and I made excuses for her actions and depression.

 

The very best thing you can do for yourself is to internalize the aforementioned. Such problems are hers to own- not yours.

 

The biggest mistakes I have made in relationships are walking away owning the other persons issues. It's not like we don't have issues of our own that need work- but taking on the burden of their problems is not something you want to do.

 

She needs to own her depression, you can't save her from it.

I think your sexual issues are the one major problem that probably never could have been solved. Do you want to go through life never having sex with your wife? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Not a fulfilling way to live.

 

I'm sorry as hell this has happened to you. I can only point out that you CAN have a relationship that includes a great connection and a lot of sex.

When you're ready- you'll find it.

[lovelinefan]

I guess I felt like any problem we had was minor compared to the strength of our love. Just being with her felt so right, and I believe she felt the same way. I guess some people just can't go through the process of healing themselves enough to make a relationship work.

 

I know that I have the potential for other great relationships in the future, I just can't get past the fact that the great one I already had is gone for good now - it is soul crushing.

 

NC/LC is so incredibly hard. I have an urge to text or email her every 5 minutes. What we have talked about is the practical stuff - dividing up belongings, etc - it seems so robotic, all I want to do is talk about why she's gone and what she's feeling, but she stows it all away inside.

 

I hope she is okay, and I hope that someday in the near future I will stop obsessing about contacting her. I still feel in shock about her deciding to break it off, and I wonder what's going to happen when the shock wears away.

[Groovy]

What helped me in a similar situation is realizing I can't make someone do the right thing. I loved my ex but he is not here. That there may be someone in my life to go out and meet rather than wasting time on someone who isn't around. That I only deserve the company of those who want to make my dreams come true or I am better off alone.

 

I have wanted to see my ex redeem himself, to apologize or give me answers (especially when despite a mutual break up he became controlling and somewhat abusive). I have realized that won't happen and it sounds like you need to as well. All you need to know is you deserve to be happy. The best thing you can do is move forward in your life and don't look back. Because the past is gone.

 

It's been 3 months for me and while I still am a bit sad on it all it gets easier all the time. My situation is a little different but I also feel dissapointed in someone I planned to share my life with. But time heals all wounds. It will get easier each day and best of luck....

[lovelinefan]

Dear my lost love,

 

Your past weighs heavily on who you are now, whether you know it or not. I understand that your childhood was traumatic, and I hope you found some solace in the steadiness of our relationship. I hope that someday soon, you accept the traumatic events of your past not as things to forget and run away from, but things to process and use towards building a stronger self. I appreciate the affection and love that you were able to give me while we were together. I understand that the depression, confusion, and pain that you've been feeling for so many years is not my responsibility, or my fault, I just wish that I had been able to help you through it. Even now, I cannot stop being your codependent. I understand that you may not think you were ready for what we had, I just hope that someday you realize it's not who you are with, but where you are as an individual that makes the difference. I forgive you for ending our relationship. I forgive you for believing that changing your surroundings might make things better. I forgive you for searching the outside world for an answer. I forgive you for being under-responsible, and allowing me to take up all your slack. I forgive you for falling out of love with me.

 

I am not yet ready to forgive you for the pain I am still feeling. I cannot yet forgive you for your selfishness. I cannot yet forgive you for staying for so long, even though you knew you couldn't be with me. It will be a long time before I will be able to forgive you for continuously hinting that you wanted to marry me, accepting my proposal, and then leaving. I cannot yet imagine myself forgiving you for your complete unwillingness to address your issues with sexuality and intimacy. I cannot fathom how you could stay with me, when you had no intention of ever having a physical relationship again, while leading me to believe that things would get better. I cannot yet forgive you for reacting in anger when I expressed sexual attraction and desire for intimacy to you. I understand that you might have felt trapped, unsure, or confused, but everything I did was for us, and everything we had, the house, the pets, the engagement, was because you wanted them, and I wanted us to be happy together.

 

Of course, I am not an innocent bystander - like any, our relationship was two-sided. I do not forgive myself for being the hopeless romantic, and believing our love would carry us through everything. I am ashamed of my naivety and trust. It will be a long time before I can forgive myself for waiting so long to go to counseling. I am embarrased by my continued attempts at romance, intimacy, and love, despite your obvious and blatantly selfish refusal to take part. I hate myself for being such a doormat to your wants and whims, while receiving no emotional or physical connection in return. I may never forgive myself for sticking around and watching our relationship transform into "more friends than mates." The pain I feel every day, that keeps me from sleeping, is the pain of not having you here, despite our problems. I am not sure whether I would rather have you back at any cost, or continue through the pain, until I no longer need you in my life. Unfortunately, that decision isn't up to me, and you are gone.

 

It is petty and mean, but I often hope that you are in as much pain as I am. My hope is that you are missing me as much as I miss you, so that you might face reality and decide to fight for us, rather than stuff your emotions and past deeper inside as you move on. I guess I was overly optimistic and willingly blind through a good portion of our relationship, and I should have realized a long time ago that it was a foregone conclusion, and that you are too much of a coward to grow up and put some energy and interest towards another person for once. Despite my anger, I care about you, and I truly do hope that one day you will allow yourself to grow, and feel emotion as you are meant to. You may hike every mountain, and visit every exotic location on the planet, but you will not truly have lived until you allow yourself to feel. I am just disappointed that I don't get to be the person that exeriences the real you, and makes a real emotional connection with your soul. We were great together, and we could have been sensational.

 

I miss you on every level possible, and I am still grieving my loss of you, as though you've died. I feel as though I will always love you, despite the pain, and I hope somewhere in your heart, you feel the same way. Farewell and good luck.

[lovelinefan]

she contacted me today - wants to stop by the house this week to get mail and see the animals. No mention of the fact that we haven't spoken for a week, and she didn't ask about me.

 

I don't really want to see her, but since we have unfinished business, I think I will have to. I don't want to respond, but I am thinking of something all-business like, "the animals are fine, please tell me when you are coming by".

 

I want to ask for the keys back, but don't feel the time is right. Just hearing from her is freaking me out, because all I want is to be strong in NC, but I think I have to communicate with her until we've sorted out everything.

 

If she does come over this week when I'm here, it will be awkward, and I could use some advice on how to act/what to say to remain neutral.

 

I don't know if she'll want to talk about anything "real" when she is here, but I doubt it.

[StaggerLee]

Good luck, you will get through this even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

[Chrome Barracuda]

God I would make her change her mailing adress, get your keys back! get your engagement ring back!!! give her back whatever she doesnt have and tell her goodbye!

 

The pets, she came by to see the pets but not one word of your own well being and concern for you...

 

Hmmmm. very selfish, very spoiled and self centered!!!

 

There wouldnt be nothing to talk about and she would not be over my place if I was you!

[D-Lish]

Why don't you find out when she is coming and tell her it's all good, but you won't be there. "Let me know when you're coming and I'll step out".

It will bother her, but more importantly, if it's hard on you right now- you don't have to see her.

 

Then bag up any of her left over things and leave it for her to take with her.

[Groovy]

I'm going to have a different take on things here....Maybe she wants to admit she is seeing the pets but really wants to see you. People make mistakes and sometimes it takes losing someone for us to realize what's gone or admit we were foolish.

 

My ex looked like a truck hit him when we split even though he is the one who walked out. And he left with many negative behaviors. I have tried to move on because he is not here and months have passed where he only contacts me in hurtful ways. I feel he knows he made the wrong choice but has too much pride for saying sorry, too much anger it's over and can't admit to bad behaviors.

 

I think people should have an open doorway to redemption when we are all humans learning by trial and error. Evereyone gets scared, angry, sad and we make wrong choices. Of course some situations you just need to stay away from the person (like being affected by violence, addiction or crime)! But when two people loved each other and have had differences I see no harm in remaining friendly while you move on.

 

I have seen a lot of people marry an ex who realized they lost something important. But I also don't see the point of making her feel like she can't speak to you or is unwelcome. Move on but don't harbor any resentment or poison the good times you shared by making the ending ugly. The best revenge is to move forward and be happy, find someone who deserves you, love yourself and ditch the negativity. Easier said than done I know because I have wished my ex to be as miserable as me as well! But I try to at least think of him as a broken spirit who loved me as much as he was capable of rather than someone who made false promises. It sounds like she is the same.

 

That's my 2 cents.....

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm going to have a different take on things here....Maybe she wants to admit she is seeing the pets but really wants to see you. People make mistakes and sometimes it takes losing someone for us to realize what's gone or admit we were foolish.

 

My ex looked like a truck hit him when we split even though he is the one who walked out. And he left with many negative behaviors. I have tried to move on because he is not here and months have passed where he only contacts me in hurtful ways. I feel he knows he made the wrong choice but has too much pride for saying sorry, too much anger it's over and can't admit to bad behaviors.

 

I think people should have an open doorway to redemption when we are all humans learning by trial and error. Evereyone gets scared, angry, sad and we make wrong choices. Of course some situations you just need to stay away from the person (like being affected by violence, addiction or crime)! But when two people loved each other and have had differences I see no harm in remaining friendly while you move on.

 

I have seen a lot of people marry an ex who realized they lost something important. But I also don't see the point of making her feel like she can't speak to you or is unwelcome. Move on but don't harbor any resentment or poison the good times you shared by making the ending ugly. The best revenge is to move forward and be happy, find someone who deserves you, love yourself and ditch the negativity. Easier said than done I know because I have wished my ex to be as miserable as me as well! But I try to at least think of him as a broken spirit who loved me as much as he was capable of rather than someone who made false promises. It sounds like she is the same.

 

That's my 2 cents.....

 

Yeah that's all good an all, but she left him...

 

That was her choice, it wasnt a mistake.

 

How can you not harbor resentment it's probably still fresh in his mind. a woman who he probably thought would be there in the long run deserted him for what just because her feelings changed. Or she wanted her independance. Breakups are messy, theyre hard. they rarely ends with both parties happy and amicable. Let's not kid ourselves here.

 

He may move on and be happier without her but it's gonna take time,

 

Like I said there is nothing for her to talk about.

[lovelinefan]

I would love to split up the pets, get her stuff out of here, have her change her address, etc, but those things aren't possible until she finds a new apartment. For now, she is imposing on a friend, nothing permanent.

 

She is definitely selfish. I am torn, I don't want to be here when she comes by, but at the same time, I want to see her, just incase she does want to talk about us. Also, I don't want her hanging out in my house without me.

 

I've already bagged up everything of hers, and she's seen it stacked by the door, but she told me that she doesn't have anywhere to put it all now.

 

Right now, I definitely harbor resentment, but I am trying to work past it all. I am afraid I will be back to square one if I see her.

[Groovy]

My ex left me for a dog and has stalked me but I still harbor no resentment because anger is a useless emotion that only hurts you. I was supposed to marry him as well. And when our two big dogs fought each other practically to death the first month he moved in, requiring medical treatment for both animals he as hesitant to let his dog go. So I kicked him out with no place to go. He still wanted to see me and I said no quickly moving on based on his choice he made and got spoiled rotten by someone else with $200 dinners he got wind of.

 

I quickly forgot him but I know all about resentment. The jerk had the nerve to try and find out who I was seeing by sending e-mails to friends pretending to be a co-worker. He had the nerve to come into my house at 4 AM while I was alseep to seeing if another man lay next to me making me afraid and didn't care that I felt that way. He had the nerve to make comments that cut my self esteem down like leaving me wasn't enough. Clearly he regretted his choice but hardly redeemed himself.

 

I got a house alarm, contacted the police, etc. But what good does feeling like the 3 good years I had don't mean anything? Why piss all over the cooking and cleaning he did, loaning me money, the taking care of me when I'm sick, liking me on a bad day, spoiling me and the many ways he went out to make me happy. So he is gone..how does making that ex to be a monster feel any better for me? I prefer a broken spirit over a monster.

 

If anything know that these kinds of people will be alone for a long time. That you deserve something better, love and forgive yourself. Thank the person for teaching you what is important and try and learn from mistakes. When I read lovelinefan's good bye I felt I was reading my own letter. Butt the past is gone and all you have is today. People like that are not worth the wasted energy of resentment, see them as human and just wish them the best.