Author ezg3 Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 thanks again everyone for the posts. I read and re-read them and they truly give me strength to start being a better person. to work hard to break this addiction. to own up to the mess i have created due to my weakness and dysfunction. someone called me pathetic...amen...how pathetic of a man and husband have I been and continue to be. its frightening to come to some hard realizations about oneself. this may cost me everything in my life i held dear and turned my back on including my own integrity. God help me to be strong and be a better man. im so scared...she was the best thing in my life...my angel...what have I done...
Mr. Lucky Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 to own up to the mess i have created due to my weakness and dysfunction. Does that include being honest with your wife about the affair ??? Mr. Lucky
lostsoulmate Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 thanks for the responses...they are helping. ...I need to remedy this situation asap. its already been way to long...next thing I know it will be 5 years later. no time in life for this ... fix the marriage, have babies with her or let her go so she can do that with someone else. its only fair to her!! godamn i am a selfish prick. live for someone else for one ezg....instead of you and only you. where did this ego centric ahole come from? Go get a book called "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I am a cheater. I have not told my fiance. This book is written by two doctors. It is truly amazing, the fog has lifted and here comes reality! Don't beat yourself up. It will only make it worse.
pkn06002 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Ok I will throw in, don't tell her. Reason why (before I get flamed, because I know it's coming). I went the same path you are going down and at first I did not tell. My wife was MUCH better at dealing with the notion of marriage problems. Then I got guilty and to end my own guilt I told. Once I told everything came out in the open and that included all issues with the marriage. That full honesty has NOT been a good thing, regardless what the anonymous internet posters said. So figure out your motives before you act because once you let that genie out there is no going back. Don't let anonymous folks on the internet tell you how to run your life. You have to live it. If you are still with the OW you need to end that ASAP. You cannot figure out anything while still in the affair. You are doing the compare and contrast with mixed emotions all over the place. The only way to break it off is to do it and go cold turkey period. No Contact no matter how much it sucks. Only after you detox can you really have a clear enough mind to know what to do. That means no "staying friends". For God's sake DO NOT knock up your wife while you are going through this. Now if that means you have to tell her to keep that from happening then tell her. Because if she does get pregnant kids make what you are going through now oh way way worse.
LifesontheUp Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Ok I will throw in, don't tell her. Reason why (before I get flamed, because I know it's coming). I went the same path you are going down and at first I did not tell. My wife was MUCH better at dealing with the notion of marriage problems. Then I got guilty and to end my own guilt I told. Once I told everything came out in the open and that included all issues with the marriage. That full honesty has NOT been a good thing, regardless what the anonymous internet posters said. So figure out your motives before you act because once you let that genie out there is no going back. Don't let anonymous folks on the internet tell you how to run your life. You have to live it. If you are still with the OW you need to end that ASAP. You cannot figure out anything while still in the affair. You are doing the compare and contrast with mixed emotions all over the place. The only way to break it off is to do it and go cold turkey period. No Contact no matter how much it sucks. Only after you detox can you really have a clear enough mind to know what to do. That means no "staying friends". For God's sake DO NOT knock up your wife while you are going through this. Now if that means you have to tell her to keep that from happening then tell her. Because if she does get pregnant kids make what you are going through now oh way way worse. The genie was already out when he and the OW got together. Honesty is the best policy whether you like it or not PKN. Both your wives deserve the truth in order to make a decision with all the facts before them. If that means seperate/divorce well so be it.....thats what happens when you let the genie out of the bottle/play with fire. Instead of hiding behind lies, face up and take the consequences to YOUR actions.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 If you are still with the OW you need to end that ASAP. You cannot figure out anything while still in the affair. You are doing the compare and contrast with mixed emotions all over the place. The only way to break it off is to do it and go cold turkey period. No Contact no matter how much it sucks. Only after you detox can you really have a clear enough mind to know what to do. That means no "staying friends". For God's sake DO NOT knock up your wife while you are going through this. Now if that means you have to tell her to keep that from happening then tell her. Because if she does get pregnant kids make what you are going through now oh way way worse. Doesn't that qualify as letting "anonymous folks on the internet tell you how to run your life" ? ezg3, treat your wife as you'd want to be treated were the roles reversed. It's as simple as that... Mr. Lucky
Author ezg3 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Doesn't that qualify as letting "anonymous folks on the internet tell you how to run your life" ? ezg3, treat your wife as you'd want to be treated were the roles reversed. It's as simple as that... Mr. Lucky well...ive seen infidelity before. friends, other couples. my first wife had an EA and divorced me for the guy (she met him at a computer class she was taking)...shes now married (to him) with two kids. so when we got serious 7 years ago i said this to her and I quote "listen, sometimes things happen, bad choices get made. if you ever step out on me just do me this 1) dont get me any diseases 2) dont let it ruin our relationship and 3) dont ever tell me about it" so now i am on the other side of this...and I already broke rule #2..MY OWN RULE. now im contemplating breaking rule #3. i was convinced that I could not break #2...that I could seperate a thing on the side that started out as purely sexual from the home life. but things at home were just kinda cold and distant and the sex (an intmate act) led to intmate feelings (duhhh)...saw them coming and just kept on going...dumb. thus the cycle began...feelings for OW left things colder at home..left me room for more feelings for OW and so on. i read some other forums about this...with betrayed spouses talking about suicide etc. i think my W is stronger than that...but heartbreak pushes people limits...i will spare her that kind of grief if at all possible. if that means keeping my secret to the grave, no matter the burden, i am prepared to do that. i know...maybe she finds out some other way...that is out of my control and I will deal with it if that time ever comes. this is where I am at today.
jj33 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 EZG3 - It seems to me that you need to go to your W with a position. Are you telling her I made a huge mistake I cheated its over and I want to rebuild the trust between us and fix the issues in our marriage? Or are you saying I am have met someone else and I am in love and I I want to leave It seems to me that your problem is you have not arrived at a decision. You are wracked with guilt but are not sure that you want to have a family right now with your W -- or that if you do, that you will be faithul in the future. Guilt aside what is it that YOU want? The first thing is to take responsibility for your own needs and desires by at least acknowledging them. If you decide that the marriage is more important than you end it with OW and you fix the marriage and you stay. If you decide your need for what it is OW brings to your life is greater than your duty love or other things with your W, then you need to own up to that. Staying and cheating is not the answer.
Author ezg3 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 EZG3 - It seems to me that you need to go to your W with a position. Are you telling her I made a huge mistake I cheated its over and I want to rebuild the trust between us and fix the issues in our marriage? Or are you saying I am have met someone else and I am in love and I I want to leave It seems to me that your problem is you have not arrived at a decision. You are wracked with guilt but are not sure that you want to have a family right now with your W -- or that if you do, that you will be faithul in the future. Guilt aside what is it that YOU want? The first thing is to take responsibility for your own needs and desires by at least acknowledging them. If you decide that the marriage is more important than you end it with OW and you fix the marriage and you stay. If you decide your need for what it is OW brings to your life is greater than your duty love or other things with your W, then you need to own up to that. Staying and cheating is not the answer. jj33 - your post is right on the money with everything you said. you very succinctly outlined the conundrum i find myself in. at this point i have said that I want to save the marraige, but still find myself fence riding. i say im not but really I am...thus my reading and re-reading these posts from all of you to help me stop that. somone else wrote about how if i stay that way the compare/contrast thing will continue ...which i keep finding myself doing. Again I am trying for a couple weeks of NC and clarity so that I can make the right choices. i was running last night and realized...I cant be all things to all people. I cant be the man of my wife's dreams and give her all she wants/deserves and also be my OW's knight in shining armor. i cannot be both...to one of them i need to be imperfect...either the ahole that bailed out of a good marraige when times got tough or the jerkoff that broke OW's heart and couldnt be the one that showed her all that life has to offer. its ok to not be perfect in someone's eyes (telling myself this)...
2sure Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Yes, its OK not to be perfect. Your wife is making decisions. She is working on the marriage. She is aware there are problems but has no idea what they are. Making decisions for her own life - without having the facts. Going to MC and therapy completely blind to her problem. You can decide to end the affair or get a divorce...but either way- what in god's name makes you think that it is ok , by any stretch whatsoever, to move forward in either direction - unless your wife is completely aware of what is happening in her life? Even if you stop the affair...at this point, your wife's marriage and life have been altered. The betrayal is done, but to hide the facts from her- to not make her aware of what are life altering circumstances for her own marriage.... I mean, really...you feel you can do this?
jj33 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Oh my my my my..... you guys with the knight in shining armor thing. I dont mean this to be judgemental but when W signed up to marry you, she expected that your knighthood would only extend to her. That you would not have other damsels in distress you were rescuing. That she would be THE ONE. So dont for one minute think you make either one of them happy by keeping both. Unless you are Mormon, or in some other polygamous culture, it just aint the way thing go. So this is where you start. I am married to W. Am I happy. Does this marriage have a future. Will I be able to be faithful to her and give her the love and respect and she deserves without being miserable? There are lots of people who divorce. This is not about OW. This is about your marriage first. Remember when you were a kid and you went out for ice cream, you chose chocolate chip because its your favorite flavor, then your friend chose mint chocolate chip and you thought why didnt I choose that? You are looking at what you have and saying, my M is great but the other is great too. But unlike trips to get ice cream, you dont get to choose one today another next week. The other thing is there are no social taboos against choosing a different ice cream flavor. You cheated on your wife. How is it that you think you have a great marriage? And I go back to my original post. Isnt it a coincidence that you started cheating when your W wanted to get pregnant? That is supposed to be the best time in a marriage (a lot of shoulds but why start a family if its not). As others have said it would be CRAZY to start a family while cheating. You think your w doesnt want a divorce? She would hate being a young mother with a cheating husband, or a young single mother even more. And its not fair to her. If you are going to stay, you need to throw yourself into the marriage. At least tell yourself that the NC is forever. If its like a one month holiday you are not really separating from the OW mentally. I appreciate its not an easy decision. But to me the mere fact that its a question means you need to look long and hard at your marriage. You are not committed. Your wife could be the most fabulous woman on earth but you are not fully in it or you wouldnt have cheated. This is where you need to focus.
sally4sara Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 "Sex has just never been that important to my wife because of religion and upbringing" This justification for having an affair always makes me roll my eyes. I could probably feed a small island of starving people with the stockpiles of eye rolls I have over this statement. Men are always more comfortable with this belief rather than what is most likely the real reason. I don't care what religion someone was raised or what you were told about sex as a child. Once you've been laid good and proper, you'll want to have sex again. OP, you've just never put a good effort into it is my guess. Good lovers are generous, un-selfish lovers. You've got post after post admitting that you're selfish......why do you think your wife's lack of interest in sex is a problem in her? If her religion and upbringing have any influence here, its that she was raised to believe that there are more important reasons to marry one person over another than sex. You just wanted an easy way to excuse yourself and have some on the side. You said that one yourself too. YOU thought you could have that and just keep it a secret and everything would be a-okay. That means your selfish attitude didn't start with your affair. It started before. You continue to be selfish by letting her know enough to realize something is wrong, but not that you've managed it for yourself by having an affair. You worry about hurting her.........don't kid yourself here. If you feared hurting her so much you wouldn't tell her anything about problems at all. Right now you've caused her pain enough to have her seeing a therapist; wondering what is wrong with her that you don't want to have kids with her and need to see a therapist too. You wish to end it with the OW but wish to leave your wife for her at the same time? Tell OW you're going to confess to your wife. Then do so. You're wife may make this choice a whole lot easier for you.
Adri Ana Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I am in love with the OW. She haunts my every thought. This affair has brought me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. If someone told me they were in love with someone else I would say "its simple dude, you need to leave, its obviously fatally flawed at home." OW and I are trying to break it off. Have been since Jan 1st...we keep end up texting and seeing each other. Less often than before, but same result. We are addicted to it, to each other. So why cant I listen to my own advise? My list of reasons that are keeping me there: 1) Im afraid ill wake up and think wtf did I do? 2) I cant break my wife's heart like that, I made a promise a commitment. I broke one vow already, I cant break the other. 3) Im obviously screwed up in the head, how can I make such a life changing decision in this foggy state. 4) weve spent 8 yrs together what kind of person would i be to throw it away over another person. 5) im ashamed of what ive done to her and behind her back. 6) she deserves my giving this a try an honest try. 7) I need a couple months of no contact with OW so I can make the right decision for everyone involved. 8) My wife is trying so hard to get us back on track, i promised her I would try too, 9) why does she need to pay for mistakes that I and OW both decided to make. she shouldnt have to. 10) Family, friends, house...a life built together...hard to just let go. This affair was such a mistake. It has consumed my life for 16 months now. People dont even recognize me anymore, my spark is gone...im instead consumed with "will she text me..wonder what shes doing...is she out meeting someone who isnt a married POS".... This all needs to end... make the decision to try with wife OR leave... i feel like I want to leave... so why dont I? yes i am in therapy...so is my wife...so is OW... what idiots OW and I were to get this deep. You do not leave cause : 1-You are loyal as a partner,as a person. 2-You do not want to hurt your wife cause there were some nice moments with her ,and you still feel some warm human feelings towards her,so you do not want to hurt her by this cruel way .. 3-You see your wife taking all efforts to strengthen your marriage ,so you feel really bad to leave her . It would not sound fair ..
Owl Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 You do not leave cause : 1-You are loyal as a partner,as a person. 2-You do not want to hurt your wife cause there were some nice moments with her ,and you still feel some warm human feelings towards her,so you do not want to hurt her by this cruel way .. 3-You see your wife taking all efforts to strengthen your marriage ,so you feel really bad to leave her . It would not sound fair .. I'm afraid I have to completely disagree. 1.He's not a loyal partner, or person. Had he been so, he would have never cheated in the first place. 2. He's not concerned with hurting his wife as much as he's afraid to take responsibility for his choice to cheat. He doesn't want to face the full realities that would set in if this were completely and totally confessed. to her. Don't confuse telling her as being the cause of her pain. He already hurt her with his choice to cheat...she just doesn't know it...YET. 3. Again, there's nothing "fair" in lying (by ommission at least) to his wife about the state of his marriage. Infidelity is the greatest issue his marriage faces at this point...but he's not told his wife that, so that she can make her own decisions on continuing the marriage or not. Instead, he's UNFAIRLY leaving her in the dark and making the choice FOR her.
Adri Ana Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I'm afraid I have to completely disagree. 1.He's not a loyal partner, or person. Had he been so, he would have never cheated in the first place. 2. He's not concerned with hurting his wife as much as he's afraid to take responsibility for his choice to cheat. He doesn't want to face the full realities that would set in if this were completely and totally confessed. to her. Don't confuse telling her as being the cause of her pain. He already hurt her with his choice to cheat...she just doesn't know it...YET. 3. Again, there's nothing "fair" in lying (by ommission at least) to his wife about the state of his marriage. Infidelity is the greatest issue his marriage faces at this point...but he's not told his wife that, so that she can make her own decisions on continuing the marriage or not. Instead, he's UNFAIRLY leaving her in the dark and making the choice FOR her. I am sorry,I had not read carefully that he actually was in sex relationship with the OW . Its a betrayal already . I agree .
Owl Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 It doesn't matter if he had sex with her or not. Sex doesn't define infidelity. If a woman (or a man, doesn't matter) becomes involved in a deeply emotional relationship, sharing intimate details, hopes, dreams, etc...with someone other than their spouse, it often turns into feelings of being in love with that person. It's called an emotional affair. They often escalate to a point where both affair partners are convinced that they're in love with each other, and end up leaving their spouses for the affair partner. It's still cheating, still infidelity, but it doesn't have to have anything to do with sex.
Adri Ana Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 It doesn't matter if he had sex with her or not. Sex doesn't define infidelity. If a woman (or a man, doesn't matter) becomes involved in a deeply emotional relationship, sharing intimate details, hopes, dreams, etc...with someone other than their spouse, it often turns into feelings of being in love with that person. It's called an emotional affair. They often escalate to a point where both affair partners are convinced that they're in love with each other, and end up leaving their spouses for the affair partner. It's still cheating, still infidelity, but it doesn't have to have anything to do with sex. My answer was concerning the OP asking help, not the matter of emotional affairs as it in the whole .
KismetGirl Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 "Sex has just never been that important to my wife because of religion and upbringing" This justification for having an affair always makes me roll my eyes. I could probably feed a small island of starving people with the stockpiles of eye rolls I have over this statement. Men are always more comfortable with this belief rather than what is most likely the real reason. I don't care what religion someone was raised or what you were told about sex as a child. Once you've been laid good and proper, you'll want to have sex again. OP, you've just never put a good effort into it is my guess. Good lovers are generous, un-selfish lovers. You've got post after post admitting that you're selfish......why do you think your wife's lack of interest in sex is a problem in her? If her religion and upbringing have any influence here, its that she was raised to believe that there are more important reasons to marry one person over another than sex. You just wanted an easy way to excuse yourself and have some on the side. You said that one yourself too. YOU thought you could have that and just keep it a secret and everything would be a-okay. That means your selfish attitude didn't start with your affair. It started before. You continue to be selfish by letting her know enough to realize something is wrong, but not that you've managed it for yourself by having an affair. You worry about hurting her.........don't kid yourself here. If you feared hurting her so much you wouldn't tell her anything about problems at all. Right now you've caused her pain enough to have her seeing a therapist; wondering what is wrong with her that you don't want to have kids with her and need to see a therapist too. You wish to end it with the OW but wish to leave your wife for her at the same time? Tell OW you're going to confess to your wife. Then do so. You're wife may make this choice a whole lot easier for you. With all due respect, there are some people who just aren't interested in sex. It COULD be that he and his wife aren't compatible sexually, and maybe she'd be more turned on by someone else, BUT that doesnt mean its cause he never tried to please her or he's bad in bed or something. My MM is incredibly passionate and giving in bed. He'll go down on my for an hour if that's what it takes to get me off, and thoroughly acts like he enjoys it. Sex with him is absolutely amazing, even on days when we're tired or feeling sick, it's still enjoyable. And it's been four years, so it's not like its all "newness" and exciting new sex. It's just really, really compatible between us. And in this same manner, he laments that he and his wife have never had much of a spark, and that she has always been wholly uninterested in sex. It is something she does out of duty to him if he really asks, and she wants kids so obviously she's gotta go it to get those. So, the whole "she doesnt want sex" thing can be very real. Religion can play a part in it. Many people feel guilty about "enjoying" sex and view it as strict religion , like catholicism, views sex- as a duty to the husband, and as a means of reproduction. My MM's wife is very catholic. So roll yours eyes away....as much as I don't get it, since im a woman with an incredibly high sex drive, there are many women out there that dont fancy it quite as much, and in many cases, couples are not well matchd sexually, and that could be the case here as well.
sally4sara Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 My MM is incredibly passionate and giving in bed. He'll go down on my for an hour if that's what it takes to get me off, and thoroughly acts like he enjoys it. Sex with him is absolutely amazing, even on days when we're tired or feeling sick, it's still enjoyable. And it's been four years, so it's not like its all "newness" and exciting new sex. It's just really, really compatible between us. So the OP is the unscrupulous man you screw? small world.
KismetGirl Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 So the OP is the unscrupulous man you screw? small world. ehhhhhh.....no. though wouldn't it be wildly coincidental if the OP was my MM? But no, he's not. My MM is not much of a "talker" about these things, online or otherwise, so I doubt he'd come asking a bunch of strangers for advice on anything. Unlike myself, who feels a constant need to discuss things, I doubt my MM has even told his own siblings about this, probably because his sibling is friendly with his wife and would tell him he's being a tool. C;est la vie. You live what you learn. My MM's parents got married when his mother got pregnant with him. They had another couple kids at some point, also unplanned. They stay together , their catholicism would never let them fathom divorce, and are comfortable with each other and love each other as a result of many years of comfort (by his description) but don't really have any obvious affection for one another. That's what he saw growing up, and so thats what he believes is a "normal" marriage now, and why he believes his marriage is "normal" and "working" , which it obviously isn't (not fully, anyway) if he's been cheating on her for four years. In his perception of things, if you get along with your wife, she's a good mother, and you don't really fight (eg- she doesn't nag excessively), then the marriage is a good one. He doesn't take into account that when you marry someone, essentially it would be ideal to also, you know, be in love with them, or else end up like he is now. Essentially, he married his mother. hell, his wife and mother even have the same name! But yeah, i can't make him realize anything. And to the OP here, no amount of words are going to make him make a decision on anything, they really aren't. He's going to either get caught, get almost caught and freak out and end things himself, or his OW will get tired of him and end things. Thats generally how this goes, isn't it.
taylor Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 OP, Forget the MC. It's a waste of time and money. You can't rebuild a marriage if there are lies between you. And you can't recover a marriage while you are still in an affair. Instead, get yourself into IC. You need to find out why you married your wife. The sex is bad and you don't want children. Why in the world would you even get married then? Besides, you really aren't marriage material. No one who thinks it's OK to have two women (one to come home to and a special one on the side just for you) should ever get in a monogamous relationship. You wouldn't even be here if you were still able to "handle" the little arrangement you set up for yourself. Oh, but you went and let your feelings get involved. If you hadn't, you would still be out there enjoying the no strings attached sex and coming home to your little wife every night. Am I right? And no one who doesn't want children should marry a woman of child-bearing age who does. That's just ignorant. Oh, and why don't you leave? Because you are the weak one in this relationship, too dependant on your wife to leave and be on your own. Can't really think of any other reason.
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