Why Dont I Leave?

[ezg3]

I am in love with the OW. She haunts my every thought. This affair has brought me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. If someone told me they were in love with someone else I would say "its simple dude, you need to leave, its obviously fatally flawed at home."

 

OW and I are trying to break it off. Have been since Jan 1st...we keep end up texting and seeing each other. Less often than before, but same result. We are addicted to it, to each other.

 

So why cant I listen to my own advise? My list of reasons that are keeping me there:

 

1) Im afraid ill wake up and think wtf did I do?

2) I cant break my wife's heart like that, I made a promise a commitment. I broke one vow already, I cant break the other.

3) Im obviously screwed up in the head, how can I make such a life changing decision in this foggy state.

4) weve spent 8 yrs together what kind of person would i be to throw it away over another person.

5) im ashamed of what ive done to her and behind her back.

6) she deserves my giving this a try an honest try.

7) I need a couple months of no contact with OW so I can make the right decision for everyone involved.

8) My wife is trying so hard to get us back on track, i promised her I would try too,

9) why does she need to pay for mistakes that I and OW both decided to make. she shouldnt have to.

10) Family, friends, house...a life built together...hard to just let go.

 

This affair was such a mistake. It has consumed my life for 16 months now. People dont even recognize me anymore, my spark is gone...im instead consumed with "will she text me..wonder what shes doing...is she out meeting someone who isnt a married POS"....

 

This all needs to end...

 

make the decision to try with wife OR

leave... i feel like I want to leave... so why dont I?

 

yes i am in therapy...so is my wife...so is OW... what idiots OW and I were to get this deep.

[JetCityWoman]

Wow lots of info. Do you Love your W? Is there a problem with her and you that you cheated? Does your W know the whole story of the A?

[ezg3]

the $65,000 question..I do love her. It is different though...the love has morphed as it always does in a long term relationship. I started focusing on that instead of helping it and nuturing an evolving love.

 

biggest problem we have...infrequent and bad sex life. shes not that interested in sex...

 

she does not know about the A.

 

ps - nice queensryche reference...great song.

[Untouchable_Fire]

1) Im afraid ill wake up and think wtf did I do?

2) I cant break my wife's heart like that, I made a promise a commitment. I broke one vow already, I cant break the other.

3) Im obviously screwed up in the head, how can I make such a life changing decision in this foggy state.

4) weve spent 8 yrs together what kind of person would i be to throw it away over another person.

5) im ashamed of what ive done to her and behind her back.

6) she deserves my giving this a try an honest try.

7) I need a couple months of no contact with OW so I can make the right decision for everyone involved.

8) My wife is trying so hard to get us back on track, i promised her I would try too,

9) why does she need to pay for mistakes that I and OW both decided to make. she shouldnt have to.

10) Family, friends, house...a life built together...hard to just let go.

 

1) You simply fear the unknown. You may wake up one day in your marriage with the same thought. Right now your just afraid to take the risk.

2) She would get over it. Are you just scarred to think that your wife would move on?

3) You are in a foggy state. You need to do a reality check. This isn't about the OW... it's about your marriage. You need to figure out whats wrong with it... and if you can fix it, or even want to try.

4) If it isn't working... it doesn't matter if it is 8 years or 80 years.

5) You should be. I can tell you from experience... that shame doesn't go away.

6) If you believe that... then you must do it. But make sure that isn't part of your fog as well.

7) The OW doesn't matter. Make your choice based on your marriage, nothing else.

8) She is working hard... does she know about the OW?

9) It's too late to lament that. You made that choice, and you both must live with it.

10) Losing family and friends... seems harder than it is. The anticipation is always worse than the reality.

 

Bottom Line: What lead you to have an affair? What has made your wife choose to work so hard to put you two back on track? What problems currently exist in your marriage... both caused by you and caused by her.

[Untouchable_Fire]

biggest problem we have...infrequent and bad sex life. shes not that interested in sex...

 

she does not know about the A.

 

Oh crap. Another one.

 

That's what happened to me too.

[65tr6]

she does not know about the A.

.

 

It is all about me, me and me, isnt it ? Bad marriage, sex...No passion..While OW is great !!

 

I feel sorry for your wife. She is wasting her life attending therapy with you. It is a complete joke attending therapy when you are hiding A from her.

 

Tell her about the A. Then make a choice. Actually you are no position to make a choice. Because you dont know what you want. So wait until dust settles and then make a choice, provided your wife gives you that option.

 

But first tell your wife about the A.

 

Until that happens you are wasting your time, life, money and the destruction will continue.

[ezg3]

Oh crap. Another one.

 

That's what happened to me too.

 

 

i glossed over that a bit, but it is the heart of the problem. This plus busy work schedules on both of our parts led us to kind of live around each other and not really with each other. some financial strains, no sex and less time being intimate...then I met OW and started up with her. next thing I know the emotional distance between wife and I was like the grand canyon. we were once a great couple...although sex from the very beginning was always avg at best. i kind of blew it off like "this can change"...never has. how important is sex to me? wtf am i some kind of animal or something?

[ezg3]

It is all about me, me and me, isnt it ? Bad marriage, sex...No passion..While OW is great !!

 

I feel sorry for your wife. She is wasting her life attending therapy with you. It is a complete joke attending therapy when you are hiding A from her.

 

Tell her about the A. Then make a choice. Actually you are no position to make a choice. Because you dont know what you want. So wait until dust settles and then make a choice, provided your wife gives you that option.

 

But first tell your wife about the A.

 

Until that happens you are wasting your time, life, money and the destruction will continue.

 

 

yes 65 i agree...this affair was all about me. it was a selfish and terrible thing to do to all parties involved. i thought I could handle it, that i could handle anything. that i could have a little something for me on the side and still be a good husband and keep the marraige on track. I was totally wrong and see what illogical thinking it was.

 

im very afraid to tell her about it. my therapist tells me it doesnt have to happen. that if im telling her to ease my soul then its wrong. telling her this would really hurt her...if i can just let go of OW and move forward from here with W.

 

its wrong that I am letting OW have so much power over my life and happiness. I need to find that inside of myself. easier said than done.

[Untouchable_Fire]

we were once a great couple...although sex from the very beginning was always avg at best. i kind of blew it off like "this can change"...never has. how important is sex to me? wtf am i some kind of animal or something?

 

From my point of view. Sex = Love. No sex means she doesn't love me. Does that mean I am an animal?.... I'm not sure. I like to think it just means I am a man.

 

When I dug deeper into the issue with my W, I found that from day 1 she had some attraction issues with me. Not that I am ugly... it was more personality and social standing. It's just I was a great guy, and she chose to overlook that to be with me. I wish she hadn't.

 

Do you think she just has a low sex drive? Or do you feel that there might be other issues as well.

[Untouchable_Fire]

im very afraid to tell her about it. my therapist tells me it doesnt have to happen. that if im telling her to ease my soul then its wrong. telling her this would really hurt her...if i can just let go of OW and move forward from here with W.

 

its wrong that I am letting OW have so much power over my life and happiness. I need to find that inside of myself. easier said than done.

 

Your therapist is wrong. I've been in your shoes, I know how it works. You will probably see this in time. Secrets kill marriages.

 

What is the root of your addiction to the OW? Is she that great? Or is she just filling a hole in your heart that your wife isnt?

[darby1]

woah. It sounds like a big storm is on the brink. Your wife is going to find out sooner or later.. just a matter of time. When She does, she will be the one laying out your options. You act like you have the choice to not tell her, and she'll never know and work on your marriage and it could be fine. HA!! Your wife will find out. Even if it's years from now.. something will surface and it will get out there. Not to mention the guilt that will eat you up and eventually cause you self hate. And your sex life with your wife.. you need to do better for her. As a women who was with the same man for 6 years I can tell ya we never had a dull moment in that department. How? He turned me on!!! He knew how to turn me on! push the right buttons and play! If your wife isn't that interested in sex, thats a problem and that's not her fault. You kiss her neck and pull the back of her hair. Flirt! Experiment and play dress up! Seriously dude. Spice it up and she will love sex! After you remind her what if feels like to be a woman.... Mayyybe you will have a shot at not loosing your wife to your affair, but without giving her a reason to want you.... you won't have a choice, she gone.

[veryjaded]

OW and I are trying to break it off. Have been since Jan 1st...we keep end up texting and seeing each other. Less often than before, but same result. We are addicted to it, to each other.

EZ - What have you tried to put in place to break it off?

 

Do you work with the OW? What contact do you have to have?

 

Is OW married? Do you and your W have kids?

[jwi71]

I am in love with the OW. She haunts my every thought.

 

What is it you love about her?

Is it how she manages her finances? Is it how she diligently pays her car, mortgage and bills on time? Is it how she handles the stress of having more obligations than paycheck?

Is it how she wears crappy jeans and scrubs the toilet then the soap scum on Saturday?

Or maybe its how she wakes up at 2am to tend her colicky child with a smile?

Or is the ways she coos at you "Take out the trash then clean the weeds from the yard dear?"

 

Or is it because YOU escape all that. YOU never see the "real" her...the daily 24x7 grind of life. No...you're moments are stolen...a date, a dinner, a **** in a motel. No bills. No chores. No crying kids. Only blissful fun w/o a care in the world.

 

So...what do you love of this woman?

 

 

This affair has brought me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. If someone told me they were in love with someone else I would say "its simple dude, you need to leave, its obviously fatally flawed at home."

Affairs suck. They accomplish nothing.

And OP, the flawed one is NOT your W.

 

OW and I are trying to break it off. Have been since Jan 1st...we keep end up texting and seeing each other. Less often than before, but same result. We are addicted to it, to each other.

There is no half-jumping on this planet. And there is no trying to end the A. You do or you do not. There is no try.

So why cant I listen to my own advise? My list of reasons that are keeping me there:

Excuses. As long as you "love" the OW and keep the A hidden...you will NEVER progress. The M will NEVER get better. And this limbo will continue in your life. If you want to cease living like that...then cease living like that. Next MC, say you have a confession and spill it. All of it. Your W will be pissed at best. MC won't be happy either. I'm guessing you lied to him or her when he/she asked if either had been unfaithful. Which means now you have a DOUBLE betrayal...lying to W and lying in MC.

 

The more lies you tell the deeper the hole gets. STOP LYING. Man up. Own it. Confess it and stop making this WORSE.

 

This affair was such a mistake.

Wrong tense my friend..."was"? Nope. Lying to yourself now.

 

It has consumed my life for 16 months now. People dont even recognize me anymore, my spark is gone...im instead consumed with "will she text me..wonder what shes doing...is she out meeting someone who isnt a married POS"....

Wow. YOU cede so much of your life for woman you do NOT truly know. Take control of you. Take control of your emotions. If you won't who will?

Time to end this mess...and that means confession.

 

The truth will set you free.

 

This all needs to end...

Then end it. You KNOW what to do...so just do it. Putting off the inevitable only hurts you.

 

make the decision to try with wife OR

leave... i feel like I want to leave... so why dont I?

You tell me...what reasons are there to stay? What reasons are there to file for D and go be with the OW 24x7?

[JetCityWoman]

If you do have kids that does put a damper on your sex life. As a Woman you tend to focus on the kids/work and say to yourself there will be time for him later because he will always be there. You also stop communicating with each other and then fight over things that are all in your own head and have never been said out loud. Have you talked to her about more or better sex and how this can be improved in her eyes.

I know the feeling of "used to be this great couple" and now I cant say anything to him anymore.

Sex should be important in a marrage. Having him feel loved and appreciated is important to most men. I think you need to find something that maybe makes her feel how important she is to you.

I think you need to tell her about the A. Honest is the best policy. You will of course crush her and it will take a long time for her to heal but it sounds like you are willing to work on the marrage so....

[ezg3]

thanks for the responses...they are helping.

 

we do not have kids. my wife wants them NOW. im getting pressure to have them. I went thru a time of thinking kids bring you nothing but more responsibility and commitment and LESS sex. Thus my perception of kids right now is really bad. I need to and am trying to start seeing the positive side of having kids...to focus on that and not the lifestyle change etc. It was when my wife went off the pill that i started the A..almost to the day!! we have since stopped trying for now. not that we were/are having much sex.

 

i do own some of the sexual dysfuction of the M. wife is just not so sexual, never has been...upbringing , religion etc have seen to that. she is seeing a sex therapist about it. ive never really had much prob there but admit that I kinda stopped trying with her when I lost interest.

 

this to tell or not to tell decision. you are all on the same page about that. I just....AHHHHHH!!!!.....really?!!?! it would destroy her!!

 

you are all right though...time is going by so fast. I need to remedy this situation asap. its already been way to long...next thing I know it will be 5 years later. no time in life for this ... fix the marriage, have babies with her or let her go so she can do that with someone else. its only fair to her!!

 

godamn i am a selfish prick. live for someone else for one ezg....instead of you and only you. where did this ego centric ahole come from?

[jj33]

Dont you think its more than a coincidence that the A started when you were trying to get pregnant?

 

Its may be your subconscious saying no way I dont want to be tied to someone with whom I have no sex life for the rest of my life. I want more.

 

Seems to me that the point at which you are actively trying to conceive should be a point at which your marriage is strong and you look forward to the idea of raising a family and growing old together.

 

Take OW out of the equation if you dont want that with your W walk now. Dont do this "because you should" only to leave her in 2, 4, 7 years because it was something you did out of obligatoin and just cant hack it anymore. Knowing this is not working for you, its unfair to go ahead. It wont be like wow we were so blissfully happy when the baby was born, now its all gone downhill. YOu KNOW there are big problems in the marriage. As you said let her find someone who wants to do all that with her.

 

You and OW may or may not work out in the end but if you are not committed to raising a family with your wife its unfair to her if you dont give her a chance to do that with someone else.

 

She may disagree she may want a child with you, she may simply want a child, even if the marriage is shaky. It cant be a newsflash to her that you have stopped trying... And that is something you need to think about too.

 

Maybe you need a trial separation or a week or weekend away on your own to clear your head and think straight.

 

But one thing. Before OW you were a great couple. Do you think you could get that back? Do you want that back.

 

Forget the moralizing, forget the should vows etc. You have proven to yourself that your needs are going to take precedence, guilting yourself into staying when its only been 8 years and she is young enough to have children is not the answer. Your W deserves more.

[smarterthanbefore]

I notice you keep saying that it will destroy your wife if she knew you are cheating. I think that is an excuse to worm your way out of telling her. You are to weak to handle the consequences of your actions, that's why you had an affair. You were to weak to confront the problems in your marriage so you chose an affair to escape. Did you not realize that the affair would destroy your wife while your were deep inside the OW? You didn't care about your wife being destroyed when you were $ick deep in the ow womb, so why do you care now? Your wife's feeling are the last of your concerns, what you care about is you, you, and you. Here is a question for you. What happens when you leave wife for ow and she wants kids? Will another affair ensue to help you through that as well. Relationships that start as affairs have no chance of lasting, how could you trust each other? What you need to do is stand up and be a man. Be accountable for your actions, see the pain and hurt you have caused. You have forever changed your marriage, whether your wife know about the affair or not. Your wife is fighting a losing battle, and she has the right to know this. As long as you are talking and dealing with OW, there is no chance for your marriage to survive, because of the cheating, the chance of survival for the marriage is already pretty slim to none. Most marriages do not survive infidelity. The couple may stay together, but they are rarely happy. Tell your wife so she can decide what she wants to do. It sound to me like you want out the marriage, but you are to weak in character to leave. Maybe if you tell her you cheated, she will be strong enough to leave for you. Afterall, if she cheated on you, had hot sweaty sex with some well endowed stud behind your back over and over, and allowed him to touch and kiss her in places only vowed to you, wouldn't you leave her? Cheaters can rarely take what they dish out, they are to selfish that way, so my bet is yeah, you would leave. Either leave and give your wife a chance at a better life with a man that will be faithful, or kick OW to the curb, and work your a$$ off to get wife forgiveness ( and hope she don't put you out and divorce you). But make a choice, because right now, you just sound pathetic.

[Mr. Lucky]

biggest problem we have...infrequent and bad sex life. shes not that interested in sex...

ezg3, I can pretty much guarantee you that infrequent sex is not the biggest problem you have right now. Like most passive-agressive WS, you're waiting for circumstances and fate to make up your mind for you. The you'll have an out - your wife will leave because you cheated.

 

Wouldn't you rather be driving the bus than be run over by it? What you're doing right now leaves you no chance to face things head-on and have some say in the outcome. I bet I know what your posts will say a year from now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bentnotbroken]

Look in the mirror you will see him and where he came from. He came from inside your heart and soul, which you didn't guard against outsiders.

[KismetGirl]

i glossed over that a bit, but it is the heart of the problem. This plus busy work schedules on both of our parts led us to kind of live around each other and not really with each other. some financial strains, no sex and less time being intimate...then I met OW and started up with her. next thing I know the emotional distance between wife and I was like the grand canyon. we were once a great couple...although sex from the very beginning was always avg at best. i kind of blew it off like "this can change"...never has. how important is sex to me? wtf am i some kind of animal or something?

 

Sex is an important part of a relationship....affairs aren't an answer, but underestimating the importance of passion in a relationship seems to be what causes many men to cheat. You guys somehow convince yourselves that since you get along really well with the woman and are comfortable with her that this makes her good wife material and don't contemplate how the mismatched interest in sex will take a toll. And it does. My MM, in my personal opinion, married someone who was more a best friend than a woman he was in love with. Now they have three kids, rarely argue, get along well, raise their kids cooperatively, have friens and family, a house, a life built together....and no passion whatsoever. And guess what....he's been coming to me over and over again for four years.

 

Youre not an animal. But people really need to stop convincing themselves that they will be happy with something they are not happy with. If sex is important to you,a nd there is nothing wrong with that, people need to stop convincing themselves that they'll "learn to deal" with the fact their partner has little to no interest in it. I can't begin to fathom how often i hear this. It;s almost maddening.

[KismetGirl]

yes 65 i agree...this affair was all about me. it was a selfish and terrible thing to do to all parties involved. i thought I could handle it, that i could handle anything. that i could have a little something for me on the side and still be a good husband and keep the marraige on track. I was totally wrong and see what illogical thinking it was.

 

im very afraid to tell her about it. my therapist tells me it doesnt have to happen. that if im telling her to ease my soul then its wrong. telling her this would really hurt her...if i can just let go of OW and move forward from here with W.

 

its wrong that I am letting OW have so much power over my life and happiness. I need to find that inside of myself. easier said than done.

 

If you want to be with your wife then yeah, I would gather that that won't happen while you still have something going on with the OW. Thats kind of evident, isnt it?

 

Affairs are always selfish. Lol, I mean, you can't say you have an affair to benefit your spouse or anyone else, can you? To be honest, the affair doesnt really even beneit the OW or OM. All it does is string them along. Unless they truly are in it just for a shag once in a while, in which case I guess it benefits them. But I find that most people tend ot become emotionally involved....

 

Your OW has nothing to do with your happiness. Your happiness, or lack thereof, stems from you and only you, and your inability to recognize what is going to really make you happy, and working on fixing that, whtehr it is staying married and working on things with your wife, or leaving the marriage and starting anew. I think your problem, like many other MM's, is that you have no effing clue what you really want. Figure that out and the rest might be easier to start on. Not easy to fix, mind you, but at least you'll know which direction to go in....

[whichwayisup]

You owe your wife the truth so SHE can decide if she wants to give you a chance to make things right, for you to PROVE your trust and faith again, or if she wants to divorce.

 

Better for her to hear it from YOU, rather than the OW or somebody else who may know you've cheated.

 

Get rid of your therapist, and get to marriage counsellor. Your T is wrong, telling you NOT to inform your wife of your affair.

[ForumFool]

DO YOU WIFE A HUGE KINDNESS...TELL HER so she can either dump you or choose to stay with you......How in the hell can you sit around and let her go to therapy to work on herself and your so called marriage while she has an incomplete picture of your so called marriage? HOW CRUEL and selfish ......of YOU

[JetCityWoman]

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and found out last year that 17 years ago while we were living together he f’ed some ho from Yonkers. He never told anyone accept his BFF and they decided the best thing to do was to not tell me because he said he “didn’t want to lose me”. I wish I would have had the chance to make my own decision about the matter instead of feeling lied to all these years. BTW- I was told by the OW about this not him.

[travelgirl]

Honestly, right now - you have no idea why your marriage wasn't/isn't working because you are in affair fog and can not think clearly. So all these excuses and reasons, I just don't buy.

 

Nothing will ever work out for you unless you tell your wife, cut off all contact with OW (which will be MUCH easier when you wife knows) and stop wasting time in counseling with the bull***** you talk about and get into serious marriage counseling that can deal with the REAL issues. Your therapist is DEAD WRONG when he/she says not to tell. Your marriage was falling apart and is now based on lies. You will never recover with your wife if she doesn't know and it will be a big elephant in the room during the rest of your marriage. Plus you are more likely to cheat again because you won't have handled the real reason as to why you cheated in the first place.

 

Your wife sounds like she is trying to work on things, going to counseling, sex counseling etc... All the while you are claiming to be trying but are boinking and addicted to another women. How is that fair for your wife? Your using this OW to make yourself feel better and really in the end it is making you feel like crap. You are in a fantasyland with OW. No pressure, no marriage, no bills, no home, - all just easy sneaky good fun. Of course you are going to think she is the one. But you are obsessed with the idea of her - not really her. You have lots of personal and marriage issues and she is filing those voids. Leaving her would have to make you dig deep and find out why there are voids in your personal life. Maybe most of them are about you and not your wife which is usually the case when someone cheats. Really, anyone could have been the OW and you would be thinking about leaving for them too. It isn't HER, it is the secret and the need and how is numbs you to your REAL problems.

 

Tell your wife, tell her you want to try, cut off all contact and actually try and work on your marriage. Be completely open with your wife and she may then be completely open with you. It will take time to get over the OW addiction but until you do, you will NEVER know what path you want to take in your life. You need a clear head and everyday you sit around and don't change it or yourself, makes it worse for everyone.