Maria_la_Guera Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I just turned 26 and broke up with a boyfriend of some months because he didn't think we should be together properly because we could only see each other like every two months because we live some distance away from each other (yet he didn't want to stop talking to me, so I had to break up the connection). I gathered from this that he could not have been in love with me, even though he once said he was (but that he was confused) but he didn't seem to miss me very much or be very serious about it either. Now I'm starting to be scared that I have dated too much and no guy will want to be with me anymore. I've had six boyfriends and some affaires. I never planned to have that many but I ended up with people who cheated on me or were violent and I had to leave them. Right now I'm also considering of doing a PhD and I'm scared that soon I will seem far too smart (I am good at science and it is what I love doing but i've often heard it's a turn-off for guys). What do you guys think? Generally, I really don't understand how other people do it with relationships. I don't often find men I would really like (I've only met two in my life, they were both really good guys, respectful and all, but just not interested in being with me for very long). Nobody seems to ask me out either most of the time, even though I'm surrounded by guys because of the subject I study. I might just conclude that it's because I'm not very attractive but that doesn't seem to be the case because my boyfriends have all mentioned that their friends have told them how lucky they are to have such a pretty girlfriend. My friends tell me they hear guys at college say that I'm hot as well. Yet none of those people actually seem to show any interest (as it is, I'm far too shy to start flirting with anyone if they don't start first!). Otherwise I'm also pretty normal, I have some great friends, generally people tend to appreciate and respect me, I go out and do sports and am not just a nerd, I dress cute most of the time and, although i'm insecure and the guys I've been with have noticed it, I have good self-discipline and I don't tend to get clingy or crazily jealous. Any advice? I would be very very grateful!!!
kizik Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Now I'm starting to be scared that I have dated too much and no guy will want to be with me anymore. Dude. Or dudette, I should say. It's not like you're damaged goods. It's not like you have to go into detail about every guy you dated and/or f*cked when you meet a new guy. Right now I'm also considering of doing a PhD and I'm scared that soon I will seem far too smart (I am good at science and it is what I love doing but i've often heard it's a turn-off for guys). What do you guys think? Me don't like them smart gurls. Them intimidate me.
DarkestDreams Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 At your age, I honestly don’t think you’ve had too many boyfriends. What matters is the fact that you perceive that these relationships have turned you into “damaged good”, to quote the previous poster. Relationships come and go. They all end. It’s just how it is. Don’t let that affect your self-esteem. You mention you have some insecurity issues that your bf’s picked up on. I think that’s the root of your problem. I’m going through the same tribulation right now, so I can relate to what you’re saying. I am so particular about the things I’m looking for in a guy! Needless to say, I rarely come across guys that I like. I’ve always attracted guys that I’m not interested in. It got to the point where I figured I’m gonna grow old if I don’t make a move and go after the ones I’m interested in. So I did and still do. Some guys just aren’t good at interpreting signals, so if I see they’re not going to make a move, I’ll just ask them out. After they see that I am genuinely interested, they feel more comfortable to take the lead so I take a step back and let them do the pursuing. For me, that works and I don’t have a problem with making the first move on a guy. Believe me, I’m shy as well, but it’s something you just have to learn to do, otherwise the rare ones you actually like are gonna go by without knowing you even exist. You’re smart, attractive and interesting (guys like chicks who know science)! Go for it! The worst that can happen is that the guy says “no”. Big deal. And most likely they’ll say “yes” anyway As far as continuing your studies, I don’t see how that has anything to do with men. Doing a PhD is hard and exhausting. I’m assuming you’re considering it because you’re passionate about your field, the social status that it entails and the access to future opportunities that it might offer. You’re gonna give that up because some idiots in the future might get turned off by it? Pfff! The ones who will are exactly the type that you don’t want to attract to begin with. Don’t dumb down. Ever. For nobody, man or woman walking this planet. Hang in there and don’t lose hope. I know it’s a cliché but it will happen.
EasyHeart Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Maria, Your post made me feel a little sad. You should never feel that you're not good enough or that no guy will like you. As Dreams said, self-esteem seems to be the fundamental issue here. There are some great books out there that can help if you have mild self-esteem issues. PM me if you want some suggestions. As far a PhD making you seem too smart -- no way! If you're smart enough to get a PhD, then you ARE smart -- why on earth would you want to hide that? It just makes you more special. Sure, it may limit your options in the sense that losers and idiots will be turned off, but do you really think you could ever be happy with one of those guys? Speaking as a guy who has a stack of degrees, I think a PhD (especially in a technical field) makes a woman way, way more attractive. Your story about the science nerd guys not asking you out made me smirk, because I used to be one of those guys! And I can tell you exactly why they don't ask you out: they're intimidated. If you're pretty, you've dated a bunch of guys (and those guys are 'cool' guys), and you're shy (which all those guys in your classes are interpreting as 'stuck up') I'll bet you anything that at least half the guys in your classes have crushes on you, but they are thinking that they don't have a chance with a girl like you. Trust me on this one -- I've been there. Back in college, I was one of those guys who was afraid to talk to girls like you, only to find out (many years too late) that they would have loved me to ask them out. Remember this: guys are clueless. If you like us, you have to be obvious. Also, in your situation, you may run into guys who are shy and/or who haven't dated much, so they're going to be awkward and not sure of what to do around you. Heck, they're probably going to be tongue-tied if you even talk to them! That doesn't mean they don't like you. In fact, it means the exact opposite -- guys get really nervous around girls that they really like. Cut us dorks some slack and you could find yourself attracting the RIGHT kind of men pretty damn quickly!
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