65tr6 Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 But, I simply can't fathom a guy wanting to mess around with a pregnant woman - just boggles my mind. I guess I'm one of those guys that believes there is a code amongst "real men" and not only did this guy cross it but he did it while my son was present (in the womb). Guys like that deserve even worse judgement in my mind. I dont want to turn this into OM-hate thread but scarred, I could not agree with you more. That is why OM could never be our competition. The very thought of even comparing myself with OM makes me puke (now, where is that puke icon when i need it most ??). As far as the punishment goes, dont get me started on that one. Oh, one note on the "revenge" affair, i know you said you were kidding but it appears that at some point of time you did consider it or alteast thought about it. My advice. DONT. If there is anything that you have learnt from this sordid episode, then it is not to cheat.
Athena Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 I think I can stop obsessing and go in search of the perfect opportunity for a revenge affair - didn't someone once say on here that if your spouse has an affair, you get a "freebie"? Yep, having a revenge affair most certainly helps stop your obsessing about spouse's affair/s... dunno if its worth it though. If your focus is on repairing the M, adding another A will only make matters worse in the relationship
Athena Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Some folks, apparently, have a strong desire for external validation and are willing to do whatever it takes to get it, without regard to the damage they do to others. It must be somewhat scary knowing that your spouse is among this type person. Funny thing about Ws's and their justifications, is that they seem to fail to realize that the Bs may be just as much in need of similar validation from the Ws. And, rarely is the WS giving as much to the relationship with the BS as he or she expects for him/herself. It is this sense of entitlement and the attendant lack of mutuality that amazes me about WSs. It is one of the reasons that an affair is often a sign of a personality disorder where the Ws is devoid of empathy and has an inflated sense of entitlement. Great post, Reggie
Author scarred Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Thanks for all the advice, admonishment, and encouragement not to have a revenge affair (physical). I really do not have any intention of doing so - it is just one of those momentary thoughts that crosses your mind in anger. I'm like Dexter, I don't want to stoop to the tit for tat. In this case, I think my wife terribly regrets that it is something she can never erase no matter what she says or how many times I tell her I forgive her and still love her very much. I don't want to create more issues for us to have to deal with in the future. But, then I think, what if I could seduce the OM's wife..... JUST KIDDING!!!!
Athena Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Taylor - no, I'm not thinking about having an affair - at all. But, I don't really think my wife was prior to this happening either. I think it just happened - which is probably how it happens for most who have affairs The only thing that 'just happens' is the OPPORTUNITY of an affair -- the Rest is Planned, every step of the way...
pelicanpreacher Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 To an extent, I think you feel robbed of confronting the challenge of the affair as it was happening. Although the affair did end some time ago, the newness of this revelation would still dredge up the same emotions anyone one would encounter upon discovery of betrayal but you are expected to simply suck it up and minimize your outrage because of the time length that has elapsed since it happened. I know that you're confident in your assertion that sex didn't occur but that's only because you haven't the opportunity to refute her word for all physical evidence of the infidelity has long since faded to dust. At this juncture, the only thing you can reflect upon is whether you've lived a lie or the truth during your marriage from the point your wife attests the affair ended until the present. I find it odd that a person who has reached the point of total revulsion for their affair partner would still keep evidence of its history in their possession throughout the marriage. Was it an innocent oversight on her part or the nostalgic lingerings of a love long lost? I fear that your wife may be playing upon your sympathies through "self-flagellation", heartfelt assurances that divorce was never imminent, and revived loyalty and commitment to the marriage by stipulating to a "newfound revulsion" for her OM in an elaborate gaslighting campaign to sweep this incident under the rug. All very convenient since she never volunteered any information of her betrayal on her own accord but instead, may be trickling her well planned co-conspired truth to you upon your discovery. Depending on how smart she is and how well she knows you this could very easily be the case. I just can't get my mind around believing that individuals who would go to such lengths to hide their thrilling clandestine activities would, upon finding release from such bursting levels of anticipation, romance, and sexual cravings during opportunities for privacy, still have the presence of mind to refrain from intimacy beyond kissing. Something about that scenario just doesn't seem to add up but that's just me. Be careful and good luck! PS. You can never accept information derived solely from affair participants as whole or factual in its entirety for the inherent conflict of interests represented therein taints all discovery in a "non-arms-length" determination of the facts.
Athena Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 But, then I think, what if I could seduce the OM's wife..... JUST KIDDING!!!! hmm, that has been done before -- check out Lorenzo's thread where he was thinking of having a revenge affair with the OM's wife, and a few weeks later he did indeed
Author scarred Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 Pelican - you should be a writer - are you? Who knows what the truth is. She could have chosen to never tell me anything I guess. But for some reason she felt guity enough to convey what she did. I have chosen to believe her and if she is lying she will go to her grave with it and answer to her maker. For some reason, we're still together 14 years later so I guess she has chosen to stay with me. Our marriage is great now and the sex is the best we've had since we've been married - I mean really great! So I'm not going to throw that away by trying to accuse her of something I have absolutely no evidence of or that I could ever prove. I've read her journals and I really don't believe there have been incidents since this ended - back in 1995 - either with him or others. At the end of the day I guess whats important to me is a great relationship with a woman who loves me - if she has other secrets she will have to take them to her grave and bear that burden herself because I'm not accusing of other things I have absolutely no way of proving or even any suspicions (spelling) - its just not worth it at this point.
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 But, then I think, what if I could seduce the OM's wife..... JUST KIDDING!!!! There was a poster who's wife cheated on him and out of revenge, he got together with the OM's wife..They ended up having an affair as well. Sick situation actuallly from what I can remember.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Thanks for all the advice, admonishment, and encouragement not to have a revenge affair (physical). I really do not have any intention of doing so - it is just one of those momentary thoughts that crosses your mind in anger. I'm like Dexter, I don't want to stoop to the tit for tat. In this case, I think my wife terribly regrets that it is something she can never erase no matter what she says or how many times I tell her I forgive her and still love her very much. I don't want to create more issues for us to have to deal with in the future. Thats just it, she can't erase what she has done. And you will never forget. But just remember, if you forgive her and move on, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be in the driver's seat. She has to realize that there are NOW certain things you should expect if you are to stay with her. There are certain things that she should refrain from doing if she is to show you she wants this marriage. Everyone is different in their expectations. But for example, my expectations would be no more "girl's nights out", or some girl's weekend out of town..etc. Not saying she can't do things like shopping, going to a movie...etc...but if I were to stay with anyone that cheated, going on a girl's night out to a club or bar would be out. If she doesn't like it, then i guess I'm not that important to her. And its not controlling. Ultimately, she can do anything she likes....but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences after the fact. You'd be expecting your wife to act like a wife, not a single floosey.
Author scarred Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Dexter - I appreciate your perspective. Of course, my situation is a little different than most of the other BS on this board. My wife's affair ended 14 years ago, we've been through a lot together since that time. I'm not excusing her behavior, but I've been able to see her recommitment every day since that time so its not like I have doubts that she loves me. The affair also ended without me interfering (because I didn't know) and without sexual intercourse (sexual behavior, yes and I'm sure displays and words of affection being expressed). Regardless of what happened, I don't intend to "punish" her. We've talked long about why this happened, the personal choices she made - both good and bad, and how to prevent it from happening again - ie talking openingly and honestly with each other when we find ourselve's attracted to someone else, not doing or saying anything with members of the opposite sex we wouldn't want the other spouse to observe/hear, not putting ourselves in situations where we might potentially be tempted to compromise ourselves, if going out of town on business we make arrangements to travel together (more likely that I will travel than her given she is a "part-time" teacher in a small private school). She has never went on "girls night out" bar hopping stints - even when we were first married 17 years ago. She will occasionally get together with some other women who are primarily in their 50s and 60s for book club meetings - I've been to a couple and its a bunch of really tame ladies who sit and eat and talk at one of their houses. If she ever goes out to these groups she is always home by 10 - 10:30. She had an affair before, although it was minor compared to some. Despite that, some would say once a cheater always a cheater. Possibly - but we're doing the things mentioned above in addition to joint MC to make our marriage better - it is working very well.
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