Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 He did, until last night What do YOU think changed his mind? I mean, really? In your OP you said: "Last night I got emotional. We got into a fight. This morning he told me he wanted some time to himself. He told me he wanted to go over to his family's house." What caused the fight?
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 What do YOU think changed his mind? I mean, really? In your OP you said: "Last night I got emotional. We got into a fight. This morning he told me he wanted some time to himself. He told me he wanted to go over to his family's house." What caused the fight? I was being overly sensitive and emotional which turned into me being bitchy. Which I get whenever I get my period. I probably wouldn't want to be around me if I was being like that too.
Trialbyfire Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 dreamergrl, I do agree with the advice to step back a bit and let him come to you. Also, now that you've accepted the responsibility for acting in a certain way that exacerbated the situation, a simple apology is also a good way to do it and see if things smooth out. On the otherhand, if he waits a number of days before contacting you, in essence he's passive-aggressively punishing you for your behaviour v. looking for resolution. If that's the case, I would consider his behaviour a big, red flag. To turn the scenario around from his perspective, with your behaviour, it's triggered a negative response from him, potentially a yellow or red flag with him. If it's PMS based, this type of behaviour could potentially happen, at least once a month. So the question is, how do you address your own behaviour in the future?
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dreamer, has any other BF in the past reacted in this way around that time of the month? Is your behavior this month reflective of how you usually are?
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 dreamergrl, I do agree with the advice to step back a bit and let him come to you. Also, now that you've accepted the responsibility for acting in a certain way that exacerbated the situation, a simple apology is also a good way to do it and see if things smooth out. On the otherhand, if he waits a number of days before contacting you, in essence he's passive-aggressively punishing you for your behaviour v. looking for resolution. If that's the case, I would consider his behaviour a big, red flag. To turn the scenario around from his perspective, with your behaviour, it's triggered a negative response from him, potentially a yellow or red flag with him. If it's PMS based, this type of behaviour could potentially happen, at least once a month. So the question is, how do you address your own behaviour in the future? I'll have to take a step back and look at what I'm getting emotional about. I'll need to ask myself if I'm just being moody or if it's a legit concern. Sometimes my PMS isn't as bad. Other times it's off the hook. My previous one wasn't bad at all. I don't blame him for wanting to get a way from me for a bit. I should have just accepted that, but with my emotions I took everything the wrong way. He was angry, said he wanted to break up, then said he wanted a few days to think about things, to just some time to himself and he'd see me tomorrow. In the midst of that, I got upset because I felt like I was getting abandoned. Our plans got canceled (a pet peeve of mine, but semi justifiable given the situation), and it seemed like I was just getting ditched. I hate that feeling.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Dreamer, has any other BF in the past reacted in this way around that time of the month? Is your behavior this month reflective of how you usually are? I've had bad PMS times in the past. Not on a regular basis. It's a behavior that comes just when it's a bad period for me. My insecurities on the other hand, that's been something I've been dealing with for quite sometime. And for quite sometime I had it more under control. Until this week. It wasn't an issue with my last two bfs. So why now? In the past, I generally steered away from my bf when I had a bad monthly. I should probably do the same now.
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I'll have to take a step back and look at what I'm getting emotional about. I'll need to ask myself if I'm just being moody or if it's a legit concern. Sometimes my PMS isn't as bad. Other times it's off the hook. My previous one wasn't bad at all. I don't blame him for wanting to get a way from me for a bit. I should have just accepted that, but with my emotions I took everything the wrong way. He was angry, said he wanted to break up, then said he wanted a few days to think about things, to just some time to himself and he'd see me tomorrow. Here's the thing I don't like about this. Women can be moody. We can blame our hormones. There will obviously be moments he doesn't like. But if your mood/behavior was truly the result of PMS, then it would have been the first time he was seeing this sort of thing from you. To respond to your mood/b*tchy behavior in this one instance by even suggesting that he wants to break up is childish and reflective of a deeper problem. Individuals in relationships are bound to unintentionally do things to piss off the other, or irritate them, whathaveyou. The appropriate response is, "Ugh" or "Grr" or "I'm so annoyed," not "I want to break up".....particularly when the relationship is so NEW! You haven't even had time to demonstrate a pattern that he can't deal with. How many serious, long term relationships has he had? Also, other than enjoying his company/attraction/chemistry, what needs of yours does he fulfill?
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 My insecurities on the other hand, that's been something I've been dealing with for quite sometime. And for quite sometime I had it more under control. Until this week. It wasn't an issue with my last two bfs. So why now? Because THIS BF brings out your insecurities. I'm not trying to be doom-and-gloom, but a guy who you're compatible with won't bring out your insecurities like this. If anything, he'll make you forget you even had them. I'm a lot like you in this way, Dreamer. In fact, this entire situation reminds me of where I was in late 2007 with my ex. (Search for my threads if you're interested - his "need for space" was the beginning of the end, a long, dragged out, painful end.) There have been BFs I had no insecurities with, and BFs where my insecurities were off the charts. My BF now makes me feel more secure than I ever have before. I'm fairly certain it's because we're simply compatible - we have the same needs and wants, so we're able to meet each other's respective needs and wants in a complimentary way. In the past, I generally steered away from my bf when I had a bad monthly. I should probably do the same now. C'mon now... NO relationship should be like that. If you were to marry, you'd have to spend 15-20% of your time apart! That's no way to live.
Stockalone Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I was being overly sensitive and emotional which turned into me being bitchy. Which I get whenever I get my period. Which must have been a real shock for your guy, seeing that no other woman on the planet is like this. Stargazer makes very good points. That he wants/needs to think about the feelings he has for you, after your first fight is very odd. Especially considering the circumstances. But the relationship is still new and it appears that you both acted and reacted in ways that only annoyed/enraged the other even more. Given time, I am sure you two will develop some sort of teamwork to prevent such fights as much as possible in the future. He needs to learn how to not let it bother him that much when you are bitchy and you should apologize when you are back to normal and reward him afterwards when he is more understanding of the situation the next time around.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Here's the thing I don't like about this. Women can be moody. We can blame our hormones. There will obviously be moments he doesn't like. But if your mood/behavior was truly the result of PMS, then it would have been the first time he was seeing this sort of thing from you. To respond to your mood/b*tchy behavior in this one instance by even suggesting that he wants to break up is childish and reflective of a deeper problem. Individuals in relationships are bound to unintentionally do things to piss off the other, or irritate them, whathaveyou. The appropriate response is, "Ugh" or "Grr" or "I'm so annoyed," not "I want to break up".....particularly when the relationship is so NEW! You haven't even had time to demonstrate a pattern that he can't deal with. How many serious, long term relationships has he had? Also, other than enjoying his company/attraction/chemistry, what needs of yours does he fulfill? He's had 2 serious relationships, not counting the recent one because he told me straight out he didn't consider her a serious relationship, just dating. He'll do little things just because, you know, that shows he cares. He's went out of his way to do something because I wanted to, even if he didn't. He gives me comfort if I'm having a bad day. He's there when I need him. He makes me feel like it's okay to be me (minus the bitchy mode I went on). It's never just about him, he makes it about me too. Normally we can discuss issues (like the recent psycho ex) without things turning nasty. He's always positive with me.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Because THIS BF brings out your insecurities. I'm not trying to be doom-and-gloom, but a guy who you're compatible with won't bring out your insecurities like this. If anything, he'll make you forget you even had them. I'm a lot like you in this way, Dreamer. In fact, this entire situation reminds me of where I was in late 2007 with my ex. (Search for my threads if you're interested - his "need for space" was the beginning of the end, a long, dragged out, painful end.) There have been BFs I had no insecurities with, and BFs where my insecurities were off the charts. My BF now makes me feel more secure than I ever have before. I'm fairly certain it's because we're simply compatible - we have the same needs and wants, so we're able to meet each other's respective needs and wants in a complimentary way. C'mon now... NO relationship should be like that. If you were to marry, you'd have to spend 15-20% of your time apart! That's no way to live. Up until this week, I had no insecurities. He made me feel positive about our relationship. The last two bfs, well see, they were verbally abusive to me. Made me feel like ****, but given my past, that was a normal thing for me. Bf now doesn't do that. It's the exact opposite. He makes me feel good.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Which must have been a real shock for your guy, seeing that no other woman on the planet is like this. Stargazer makes very good points. That he wants/needs to think about the feelings he has for you, after your first fight is very odd. Especially considering the circumstances. But the relationship is still new and it appears that you both acted and reacted in ways that only annoyed/enraged the other even more. Given time, I am sure you two will develop some sort of teamwork to prevent such fights as much as possible in the future. He needs to learn how to not let it bother him that much when you are bitchy and you should apologize when you are back to normal and reward him afterwards when he is more understanding of the situation the next time around. Eh, I think during this period I was a bit more bitchy then most women. I do think both he and I need to learn to deal with each other with certain things. If we get the chance to get pass this.
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Eh, I think during this period I was a bit more bitchy then most women. That may be true. But almost every woman of child-bearing age has some hormonal response at some point during her cycle. Not all become bitchy. I'm emotional just before my period, but not bitchy. Instead, I cry easily. A commercial, a sweet comment, dropping a piece of tortellini on the floor... My BF now knows when my period is coming, at the first sign of sensitivity. For example, the other day he passed along a message to me from his mother about how much she enjoyed meeting me and some other things... it very sweet, and so I broke down in tears!! At no other time of the month would I have reacted do bizarrely! He instantly hugged me and said, "It's almost that time of the month, huh?" A grown, mature man would understand this, and as much as he may not like it, tolerate it and work with you to not let it bother him to the point of wanting to end the relationship. Only you know how truly mature he is... I do think both he and I need to learn to deal with each other with certain things. If we get the chance to get pass this. I agree with Stock in that if you make it past this, you'll find a way to deal with this monthly... "challenge." Have you tried Yaz? I hear it helps with the moods...
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 I agree with Stock in that if you make it past this, you'll find a way to deal with this monthly... "challenge." Have you tried Yaz? I hear it helps with the moods... Nope I haven't. I used to be on something else, but it actually brought out my mood swings twice as bad. I've trired other bc's only to have my perioud for 3 months straight. I've ended up with a bad taste for bc. I've also been on meds for anxiety disorder, which has relaxed since I've moved back, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be on them still.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 It's funny, because earlier this week I got emotional about something, and he goes, "it's okay, I'm sure you feel like crap because of your cramps, and your all pmsing". Sometimes I get like this 3 days prior to my period and then through out.
Stockalone Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Eh, I think during this period I was a bit more bitchy then most women. It's funny, because earlier this week I got emotional about something, and he goes, "it's okay, I'm sure you feel like crap because of your cramps, and your all pmsing". If he usually is understanding and supportive, I think that you probably picked a bad topic to have that fight about, one that struck a nerve with him. Or he could have been in a not so good mood himself. As hard as it is for you, wait for him to contact you and see what he has to say.
manugeorge Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 One sentence...get a hobby. All these commotion can be prevented if you just have a life of your own separate from him. That way, you are not sitting around, dwelling and overanalyzing. Maybe he wanted space because he feels he is your only source of entertainment. Nobody likes to feel that way, people are more drawn to you when you have interests of your own outside of the relationship. A hobby means you get to redirect your emotions towards something you enjoy doing which in itself is fufilling FOR YOU. Even if it's just something as simple as renting a really good movie. I have been in your shoes and the urge to call has gotten so bad that I just turn off my phone, hide it under the bed and leave the house. Focus on something else, before you know it, you are nice and distracted and he's the last thing on your mind. He may or may not call you tommorow but line up FUN back up plans just in case he doesn't call. Don't wrap your life around a man/relationship, it's draining.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Well I'm not just sitting here doing nothing. I've got a project at home I'm working on. Yet my mind still wonders. I'm not in tears about it anymore, but I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could rewind and just not have been bitchy last night.
sb129 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Did you apologise to him? As long as you have done that then the ball is in his court, but don't call him to apologise, wait for him to get in touch first. We all have moments where we aren't perfect and wish we could have behaved better. Its what we do once we have realised that that is important.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Did you apologise to him? As long as you have done that then the ball is in his court, but don't call him to apologise, wait for him to get in touch first. We all have moments where we aren't perfect and wish we could have behaved better. Its what we do once we have realised that that is important. I would love to apologize but I have to wait until we talk. I've said I'm sorry, but it was in the midst of us arguing, and I would like to apologize when things have settled. You know, I was fine until he came back with his friend to drop my ID badge off. He gave me hugs and kisses good bye, told me he'd call me tomorrow. But then the whole how he was going to visit his mom thing changed, and looked like a lie, and I got all upset all over again. I keep wondering, is he out having fun? Does he feel bad for how things were left? Does he feel bad that I feel hurt from the situation (and I know he does too, but I feel remorse from it). Is he thinking about me? Or is he out flirting with some new girl? Was he just telling me what I wanted to hear to shut me up? I hate waiting. At least time is going by quick with me working on stuff. Still... I feel sick to my stomach over this. If I didn't feel bad for how I was, I wouldn't feel like this.
allina Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Dreamergirl, I'm sorry but I really think this one is on you, I don't think this happened because he's 23 or not ready for a relationship. You say you've been getting insecure and he's been having to say "it's ok" to reassure you a lot. Then, because you were feeling emotional you picked a fight, then cried, then pretty much accused him of being dishonest about his plans. This is a big pile of relationship killers, especially when we're talking about a new relationship. And I'm sorry but a 27 year old woman shouldn't turn on the water works in front of her new guy because she's on her period. I'm a woman and that stuff would have me running. It makes it look like a relationship with you would be drama and hard work instead of a fun, good time. I don't mean to be harsh, I think you're a great person and I'm sorry this happened to you. Who knows, maybe he'll change his mind and you guys can work it out, if you're still interested in that. If not it'll be another one of life's lessons.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Dreamergirl, I'm sorry but I really think this one is on you, I don't think this happened because he's 23 or not ready for a relationship. I agree is on me, and I don't blame anyone but myself. You say you've been getting insecure and he's been having to say "it's ok" to reassure you a lot. Then, because you were feeling emotional you picked a fight, then cried, then pretty much accused him of being dishonest about his plans. This is a big pile of relationship killers, especially when we're talking about a new relationship. And I'm sorry but a 27 year old woman shouldn't turn on the water works in front of her new guy because she's on her period. It's not as if I was trying to make myself cry. I'm an emotional person. I always have been. I don't like this part about myself. The only reason I accused him of lying about his plans is because he told me one thing, then went and did another. It came across as a lie. I think that would to most people. I'm a woman and that stuff would have me running. It makes it look like a relationship with you would be drama and hard work instead of a fun, good time. I'm not about drama. I hate all this crap going on. I have some issues I'm working on, but we've had 90% of a great time together. This being the 10% I don't mean to be harsh, I think you're a great person and I'm sorry this happened to you. Who knows, maybe he'll change his mind and you guys can work it out, if you're still interested in that. If not it'll be another one of life's lessons. I don't think you're being harsh, you're just giving your opinions, and that's why I post here.
sb129 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Dreamer, he is probably just having some down time, and wondering what he did to make you so bitchy. Honestly, Allina makes some great points, and I think you owe it to him to give him the space he asked for and when he calls you, apologise for being a grouch. PMS is a pain, but it still isn't an excuse to treat people poorly- I don't think he has done anything wrong, and changed plans doesn't necessarily mean its all over, it just means he needs some time out, and if you haven't been all that fun to be around last few days then I don't blame him!! You can fix this.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 Eehhh I slept like crap last night. I actually had a dream of my bf sleeping with another girl. I have this huge urge to call him. I know I shouldn't.
northstar1 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Eehhh I slept like crap last night. I actually had a dream of my bf sleeping with another girl. I have this huge urge to call him. I know I shouldn't. No, don't call him. Keep yourself busy, go for a run or go to the gym or shopping or something to take your mind off it so you aren't obsessing.
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