Touche Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 What if I called him tomorrow saying I hope you had fun yesterday, I realize that you needed some space, and I should have handled it better? Don't be so quick to call him, dreamer. You might end up pushing him away. Give him a chance to call you like he said he was. If he doesn't then I'd do what you say here maybe but please wait and see first. Give him ample time ok?
samiam143 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Just wait for him to call. And when he does don't be upset if it took him longer than you expected. Just be nice. Ask him "How was your day?" Just be nice. No more crankiness for you! Ok I'm heading home from work now. I hope I helped you out some! REMEMBER 1. stay calm 2. be patient 3. don't overanalyze 4. stay busy woo woo! Ya'll have a good day!
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 This isn't looking good, hun. I know you like him a lot, but what I see doesn't have the trappings of someone (him, not you) who's capable of having an adult relationship. He ended his last relationship a month before you started dating, and now only after a month (?) with you he's thinking about breaking things off with you. This guy has immature/player/serial dater/commitmentphobe written all over him. Please don't blame yourself. Given the circumstances, I think it's only normal to feel nervous and uncertain about what the future holds. Whatever you do, please DO NOT contact him. Just don't. He feels annoyed and smothered, and doesn't want to hear from you. He's made that clear. To go against his wishes (however unreasonable they are!) would only compound the problem. Don't be so quick to call him, dreamer. You might end up pushing him away. Give him a chance to call you like he said he was. If he doesn't then I'd do what you say here maybe but please wait and see first. Give him ample time ok? SG what do you think, like Touche mentioned above, if he doesn't contact me tomorrow, do I call Sunday or Monday asking where we stand? Attempt to talk to him?
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Just wait for him to call. And when he does don't be upset if it took him longer than you expected. Just be nice. Ask him "How was your day?" Just be nice. No more crankiness for you! Ok I'm heading home from work now. I hope I helped you out some! REMEMBER 1. stay calm 2. be patient 3. don't overanalyze 4. stay busy woo woo! Ya'll have a good day! Thank you!
samiam143 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 nonono! Don't call. Give him the space he needs. That's all he asked for. It'll work out better in your favor if you wait it out missy!
Touche Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I know, I have to keep that in mind. IT's hard sometimes because often he doesn't act young, he acts like his more mature then that. Do you think by him telling me he'll call/see me tomorrow reflects that he may still feel we can get pass this, or that he was just saying that because I wanted to hear it? I'm like this too, I rush into the lets call it quits before I get hurt. Our personalities in many ways are the same, do you think after me giving him his requested time, he may rethink this? Well, yeah I guess it's kinda in that mode, but we both said we don't want to date other people too. Do you think I have a chance to redeem myself? Yes, you can redeem yourself. But you're just going to have to wait and see if he calls. Who knows if he's really going to call or if he was just saying that. You'll have to wait and see. You'll know tomorrow. That's not good to rush to call it off after every little thing. You can learn from this...if not for this relationship then for the next one.
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 SG what do you think, like Touche mentioned above, if he doesn't contact me tomorrow, do I call Sunday or Monday asking where we stand? Attempt to talk to him? Honestly? No. I wouldn't call him. Period. He asked for space. I'd give it to him, and make sure he felt that space by not initiating any contact at all. Asking for space this early on doesn't bode well for a fledgling relationship. You'll forever be walking on eggshells, and that's a sucky feeling to have. (((HUG)))
Art_Critic Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 If he doesn't call you then you already know exactly where you stand.. you just have to admit it to yourself.
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I want to add something here. He may have pulled this same crap with the "crazy ex." Like I said before, not all crazy chicks deserve that title without some apportionment of blame lying with the guy. Given HIS history, I wouldn't be surprised if he asked for space from her as well, she gave it to him, waited for him to call, and next thing she knows, he's with YOU. That would piss me off too. You deserve better than this...
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Okay, I wont call at all. We have been spending a lot of time together, so I can see the want for space. It was him who wanted me around ya know? I wasn't begging to be with him. I really hope he meant it when he said he would see me tomorrow. Maybe having a friend who is actually encouraging him to resolve things will help. His friend is my age. Maybe he'll give him a more mature insight. He's gonna be hanging out with another couple, maybe that will make him wish he'd have me there, feeling like a third wheel. Maybe I'm just reaching. Sigh...
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 He wasn't asking for "me" time. He was asking for time to think about whether to break things off with you (the reason remains unclear). The two needs for "space" are very different. Unfortunately, I do think you're reaching. You're looking for external forces to convince him to want to stay with you. He shouldn't need any convincing, his desire to be with you should be natural and genuine and intuitive. If he lets you go, it's HIS loss. Please don't call him though...
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 I want to add something here. He may have pulled this same crap with the "crazy ex." Like I said before, not all crazy chicks deserve that title without some apportionment of blame lying with the guy. Given HIS history, I wouldn't be surprised if he asked for space from her as well, she gave it to him, waited for him to call, and next thing she knows, he's with YOU. That would piss me off too. You deserve better than this... I started thinking about this too, and it was brought up. He says that's not at all how it is, that he wants things to be good and healthy between us, and by him having some space will help that. He told me that she ditched him first, so he moved on. We had a long talk about that whole situation. He told me he doesn't want to be with anyone else. That we've been spending so much time together, he wants some for himself, and that I can't be angry about. I was more angry that the plans where made, then I got left behind. He told me that had I not been so mean and bitchy last night we'd be spending the weekend together, but he worries that it will just be like that all weekend.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 He wasn't asking for "me" time. He was asking for time to think about whether to break things off with you (the reason remains unclear). The two needs for "space" are very different. Unfortunately, I do think you're reaching. You're looking for external forces to convince him to want to stay with you. He shouldn't need any convincing, his desire to be with you should be natural and genuine and intuitive. If he lets you go, it's HIS loss. Please don't call him though... I promise I wont call. I meant this morning after all the crap last night, he told me that he wants to be with me, but wants time for himself. He said we were both upset, and both needed time to calm down and be able to miss each other.
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I started thinking about this too, and it was brought up. He says that's not at all how it is, that he wants things to be good and healthy between us, and by him having some space will help that. He told me that she ditched him first, so he moved on. We had a long talk about that whole situation. He told me he doesn't want to be with anyone else. That we've been spending so much time together, he wants some for himself, and that I can't be angry about. I was more angry that the plans where made, then I got left behind. He told me that had I not been so mean and bitchy last night we'd be spending the weekend together, but he worries that it will just be like that all weekend. I'm confused. Probably just as much as you are. Which is it? Did he want time to himself just to have time to himself ("me time"), or did he want time to "think about things" and decide whether he was making the right decision regarding breaking things off with you?? If it was the latter, and then the former, it sounds like he's backpeddling. Who knows why... We can all analyze this to death. So just sit tight and wait.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 I'm confused. Probably just as much as you are. Which is it? Did he want time to himself just to have time to himself ("me time"), or did he want time to "think about things" and decide whether he was making the right decision regarding breaking things off with you?? If it was the latter, and then the former, it sounds like he's backpeddling. Who knows why... We can all analyze this to death. So just sit tight and wait. Last night he told me he wants to break it off, then he told me he needed sometime to think if he wants me, he said we have been spending a lot of time together, he wants time to miss me. Then this morning he said the same thing, he wants time to himself, be with his friend, and time to miss me. Like he's going backwards on his choices. The break it off thing was when I was being a big old bitch. We woke up this morning with him cuddling me and holding me. He said he still wanted the time to himself then, but that doesn't mean it's over. Then this afternoon he told he wants to see me tomorrow (this was a promise) but just wants today for him, without contact.
Touche Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dreamer, I'm posting what I said to you on my thread.. Dreamer, kind of like Sam here. I don't think you two know each other well enough yet for me to call this one. I'm going to have to say TOO CLOSE TO CALL. You need more time to see whether you really are viable. Sometimes you can know this early but I don't think that's the case here. It has potential for sure though. You just haven't really been tested yet and I think that's an important factor here because of your ages. I'm sure he's mature for his age but 23 is still 23. WAY too young for him to really know what he wants at this stage. I'd say keep going with him but no way would I recommend marriage for quite a while. But you knew that already. /QUOTE] See the part about being tested? Now it's being tested. Let's see how it goes. I do think he'll call you though. You said on my thread that he always follows through with what he says and doesn't leave you hanging. So just be patient.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Dreamer, I'm posting what I said to you on my thread.. Dreamer, kind of like Sam here. I don't think you two know each other well enough yet for me to call this one. I'm going to have to say TOO CLOSE TO CALL. You need more time to see whether you really are viable. Sometimes you can know this early but I don't think that's the case here. It has potential for sure though. You just haven't really been tested yet and I think that's an important factor here because of your ages. I'm sure he's mature for his age but 23 is still 23. WAY too young for him to really know what he wants at this stage. I'd say keep going with him but no way would I recommend marriage for quite a while. But you knew that already. /QUOTE] See the part about being tested? Now it's being tested. Let's see how it goes. I do think he'll call you though. You said on my thread that he always follows through with what he says and doesn't leave you hanging. So just be patient. So do you think he'll follow through with our plans for tomorrorw? If he calls, what do I say? I want to handle myself well. I don't want to show my insecurities. Thanks for your help Touche!
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Perhaps I'm wrong, but in the very initial stages, I think both parties should WANT to spend as much time together as possible, but shouldn't simply so that they remain grounded individuals. The fact that he does not have the same WANT you do, concerns me.
Touche Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dreamer, I'm posting what I said to you on my thread.. So do you think he'll follow through with our plans for tomorrorw? If he calls, what do I say? I want to handle myself well. I don't want to show my insecurities. Thanks for your help Touche! Yes, I do think he'll follow through as I said above, dreamer. Just be casual and ask him how his day was. Apologize for your mood and tell him you look forward to your day together. That's it. No need to say more or rehash it. You're welcome..anytime!
likestolaugh Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Perhaps I'm wrong, but in the very initial stages, I think both parties should WANT to spend as much time together as possible, but shouldn't simply so that they remain grounded individuals. The fact that he does not have the same WANT you do, concerns me. Then again some people (like me) are just very very independent people, and really truly enjoy time alone occasionally. I see my gf about 2 times a week (although each lasts for about 24 or more hours)... much more than that and I think I'd start to feel smothered... I NEED time to work on my own stuff... to think about other things. Maybe it's a guy thing, I dunno. It has no bearing on how I feel about my gf, whom I adore.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Perhaps I'm wrong, but in the very initial stages, I think both parties should WANT to spend as much time together as possible, but shouldn't simply so that they remain grounded individuals. The fact that he does not have the same WANT you do, concerns me. He did, until last night Yes, I do think he'll follow through as I said above, dreamer. Just be casual and ask him how his day was. Apologize for your mood and tell him you look forward to your day together. That's it. No need to say more or rehash it. You're welcome..anytime! Ok, sounds good, I'll stick to that. Then again some people (like me) are just very very independent people, and really truly enjoy time alone occasionally. I see my gf about 2 times a week (although each lasts for about 24 or more hours)... much more than that and I think I'd start to feel smothered... I NEED time to work on my own stuff... to think about other things. Maybe it's a guy thing, I dunno. It has no bearing on how I feel about my gf, whom I adore. This eases my mind a bit, thank you. It's a good point from a guy.
Trialbyfire Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Then again some people (like me) are just very very independent people, and really truly enjoy time alone occasionally. I see my gf about 2 times a week (although each lasts for about 24 or more hours)... much more than that and I think I'd start to feel smothered... I NEED time to work on my own stuff... to think about other things. Maybe it's a guy thing, I dunno. It has no bearing on how I feel about my gf, whom I adore. It's a matter of compatibility. If you both have the same wants and needs, it makes life go a lot more smoothly. It's now been 2.5 months into the relationship and we still talk daily, where he calls me sometimes more than once a day. I let him call me because he doesn't work from home like I do, therefore, has more external influences that affect his time. We see each other 2 to 3 times a week. If both of us weren't working so much, we would spend more time together, in person. We've chatted about smothering and crowding and neither feels that way at all. Our relationship tempo is comfortable for both of us.
sb129 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Dreamer- I second the advice to NOT call. Guys don't like feeling hen-pecked, pressured or smothered, truly- its what drives them away. I have done this before, and you only end up looking desperate and a little bit crazy. And the fact that you are at that time of the month is just making everything worse- and guys really can't appreciate that, they just think you are a nutter. I used to have to give my H a few days warning before my period, because our only fights were when I was pre-menstrual and I can tell ya, we had a few doozies over ridiculous things that I wouldn't normally give a rats arse about. Now we have the joy of pregnancy hormones, but they are kind of different (hows crying because I overcooked sushi rice? Nuts huh.) If you are independent and not clingy, then you have a much better chance of things working out- so you HAVE to find something else to do to save yourself waiting by the phone. Go to a movie or go shopping or to see a friend and DON"T TAKE YOUR PHONE! IF he calls and you don't answer, he will call back, he knows how to get hold of you if he really needs to. GOod luck and stop stressing out!
likestolaugh Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 It's a matter of compatibility. If you both have the same wants and needs, it makes life go a lot more smoothly. It's now been 2.5 months into the relationship and we still talk daily, where he calls me sometimes more than once a day. I let him call me because he doesn't work from home like I do, therefore, has more external influences that affect his time. We see each other 2 to 3 times a week. If both of us weren't working so much, we would spend more time together, in person. We've chatted about smothering and crowding and neither feels that way at all. Our relationship tempo is comfortable for both of us. I suppose I should have specified... we communicate in some form everyday... whether it be by text or on the phone. At the very least we always wish each other a goodnight. but even if we didn't talk EVERYday, I'd be fine. I do rather like to miss someone too.
sb129 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 It's a matter of compatibility. If you both have the same wants and needs, it makes life go a lot more smoothly. It's now been 2.5 months into the relationship and we still talk daily, where he calls me sometimes more than once a day. I let him call me because he doesn't work from home like I do, therefore, has more external influences that affect his time. We see each other 2 to 3 times a week. If both of us weren't working so much, we would spend more time together, in person. We've chatted about smothering and crowding and neither feels that way at all. Our relationship tempo is comfortable for both of us. WB and I have always had alot of contact from day 1 too, but without wanting to patronise Dreamergrl, I definitely think its easier when you are both a little bit older- you tend to be clearer about what you want and don't want and there isn't as much gameplaying. WB could always do his own thing without me getting worried because I was so secure in the R from the outset, and vice versa, but I think alot of that security came from R experience. Obviously now I know where he lives so I know where he will end up eventually!! Also, I think DG and her BF have been seeing eachother more than 2-3x a week which could contribute to his feeling a little smothered and her panic with him pulling back a little bit. I would probably advise backing off a little bit and if they do resolve this issue, dropping the contact down a little bit to prevent this becoming a pattern.
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