Nearly Did It with WS, Rejected, Now Out of My Mind

[jj33]

You are enabling him. You MUST either tell him to leave or stop with the other woman.

 

There is no such thing as he CANT do it. He doesnt want to do it. Not speaking to someone is not impossible. Its just a quesiton of living through the anxiety.

 

Hes walking all over you. Its a control thing. If you get strong and tell him its you or her then he will have to choose.

 

The question is can you live with it if he chooses her?

 

Right now you are accepting him on any terms. That is not good unless you have financial or other reasons for wanting to stay in the marriage. He is treating you with no respect and you are letting him.

 

Noone wants their world to change but face the facts, yours has.

 

When you married you didnt sign up to a threesome. He has added a third person to your marriage and you are moving over to make room for her. Crying at the hurt but staying put and letting him continue.

 

Go see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Tell him afterwards that you saw a lawyer and you plan to take action if he doesnt stop this immediately.

 

Otherwise he has no motivation to change his behavior.

 

hes not being intimate with you so if you want to be maintained financially and cook clean and do all the rest for him that is great. But hes got quite a good deal. Hes now got permission to cheat.

 

Those who are saying hang in there are encouraging you to be passive. That is not in your best interest.

 

And you have no assurance that he wont just leave on his own. Take your power back. Dont let him run the show. He sounds like a very controlling person and he will be surprised that you have stood up for yourself. It may be just what your marriage needs.

[awkward]

 

This I would like very much so. Just can't seem to get a grip on how. Yet. But I am really leaning towards NCing on him, soon. Soon. Soon!

 

I don't. Nor do I want a part-time husband.

 

But I know you're all thinking I'm letting him be all that. I tell myself that, too.

 

If reconciling with your husband is what you really want, what you are doing is counter intuitive. I know you are scared and don't want to lose him. If you continue on the current path, you will either a) lose him or b) live like this for the rest of your life. No work is being done. No changes are being made. If you want your husband to be a part of your marriage you MUST make changes. Even if those changes are hard. Even if those changes cause you to lose him temporarily. Because if you don't you will not have a healthy marriage, ever.

 

I'm at my wits end trying to do everything I can to turn this around...I am at this point where I feel like not doing anything anymore. Right now, I guess I'm just too exhausted emotionally to even deal with anything.

 

I get that you are tired. Hell you have been emotionally beat up. But you can't sit there and let this go on. Your husband will not respect you. Your CHILDREN will not respect you.

 

You need to make a plan. You need to work on that plan. In the end, you can only change you.

 

I found the website with the articles. It is http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

Go there and read the articles. Also, look at the forums. The people posting there can help you with making a plan to get out of this and get your husband back. I know he isn't physically gone but he has emotionally left your marriage. Even if you don't end up with him, you will be ok. You will make it.

[NoIDidn't]

OMG, I'm going to be the only dissenting voice, but not because I have something positive to say.

 

My H had an EA with a co-worker a little over three years ago it ended (it lasted for about 2 to 3 months). Once it was over-over, we still had major issues between us. He told me up front not to expect things to go back to normal because our issues had nothing to do with his co-worker, per se.

 

I didn't like it, but told him he's got one year to make a decision or I was outta there. I would give him the time he needed but I would not have my feelings or needs denied forever.

 

I guess, what I am trying to say is that (1) I do think your H is still having the affair and that part has to stop, (2) your H is enjoying this (mine did not enjoy my tears or the OWs tears - so the NC got better as time went on and she knew not to contact him anymore) and (3) you don't have to put up with this.

 

The lawyer idea and a time frame for him to get his act together have to be in your arsenal. He also needs to be kicked out again! Parents can have NC between them, contrary to popular belief. It consists of only speaking of the children and cutting off anything that doesn't concern the kids. There is no "Hi, how are you" or "I've been missing you" if its not mutually agreed on.

 

I agree that he may feel like he is cheating on her, but I also think he really hasn't made a concrete decision re the marriage vs the affair.

[jj33]

No I Didnt there sound like there are major differences between your situation and Rugrat's.

 

Her H is still in it. He is "living the dream" and enjoying it at Rugrat's expense...

 

If he stopped the A and it took time for things to normalize that would be another story.

[sugarmomma]

Rugrat,

 

You can desire someone's loyalty but you cannot demand it. You can't MAKE him do anything. You cant make someone be faithful to you or not desire another. You have no control over him at all. So dont try becaue he will only prove to you that he is his own man.

 

He is obviously doing what makes him happy. I would suggest that youmove forward with your life if you are not happy. You never know, there may be a wonderful man out there that will meet your wants and needs ina relationship.

 

Good Luck!

[RugratMom]

Thank you again for all your replies.

 

Since that night, my husband has been avoiding the OW. He hasn't taken her calls, totally put off his cellphones, gone invisible in IM. For whatever reason, I do not know yet. All I know is that for the last three days, he has been "out of reach" for her.

 

Maybe in the desperation of trying to reach him, the OW finally called him on our home phone! I got so pissed about that....calling our home phone is again one of those boundaries they've crossed. So, I left the house to cool down.

 

Had a brief chance to talk to my husband while I was cooling off and asked him why she had to call home, told him that I felt disrespected again. He said it's because she hasn't been able to reach him. And I asked why he had to shut down like that towards her, he says it's all because of this nasty headache, he didn't wanna deal with "anybody" (which wasn't entirely so, he was chatting up with a buddy the night before).

 

He didn't wanna tell me the truth, I don't buy the reason it was all about a headache. He's been avoiding her for two-three days, that's how bad his headache was?? Anyway, when I got back, it got even uglier between us that he left the house.

 

I've packed his stuff now and told him I will be sending for it at his mom's place.

 

Taking it a day at a time. But right now, it's really bad and those decisions we've both made (him leaving, me packing his stuff) were all done in anger. I know that it's the best thing for me though. But why do I feel so bad about it?

[Trimmer]

I have thought about going to the lawyer to look into my options, yes. I will have to follow through on this.

Yes, you MUST do this. It doesn't commit you to anything (not like filing for divorce, for example) but it will empower you by letting you feel like you have some control, and it may well be a wakeup call to him that you are starting to move forward under your own power. DO THIS!

 

Early on, I had told my husband we cannot have this kind of intimacy as long as she's still in his life because that would make me feel like crap and I don't want to end up hating myself.

OK, see what you did there: you set a boundary. Now why not set the boundary that you "cannot have this kind of MARRIAGE as long as she's still in his life, because that is making you feel like crap, etc."

 

I have thought this, too! That this is all about control.

It does seem like that may be a strong element of it. That's why I think you should go and educate yourself about family law and divorce. This is a first step toward getting some power and control over your own life forward, without having to dive into a divorce just yet.

 

Although if you did have the strength to file for divorce, I wouldn't talk you out of that either. It is still reversible - you can stop the process up to a certain point - but it sure puts you in the driver seat steering yourself in the direction of the rest of your life...

 

I mentioned this matter of factly, he thought I was joking. But my husband knows me so well ---- it's not in my character.

Well, I'd still take the step of seeing a lawyer, and push it as far as you can - maybe ask him to print out boilerplate divorce papers for you to take home and review. That shouldn't be too hard (in my county, you can download the standard state forms from the Superior Court webiste...)

 

You are stuck in limbo - this guy is disrespecting you and all the decisions seem to be in his court. You are just a bystander. CHANGE THAT! Going to see a lawyer is an affirmative step forward that you will undertake; it will educate and empower you and at least give you a feel like you have the strength to do something, to take control, to move forward. DO IT.

 

My husband knows I will do an NC on him once he does pack his bags for good and I think that this is what's...holding him back? He mentions he doesn't wanna "lose" me since I'm the only person who "gets" him, not even his girlfriend does.

 

What the hell is that about?

That, dear lady, is the source of your power. Now you just need to believe that you have the strengh to start moving forward.

 

Had a brief chance to talk to my husband while I was cooling off and asked him why she had to call home, told him that I felt disrespected again. He said it's because she hasn't been able to reach him. And I asked why he had to shut down like that towards her

Maybe I'm misunderstanding or hearing this out of context, but does that imply that you think he should have continued taking her calls and treating her more carefully, so you wouldn't have had to get a call from her on the home phone?

 

Taking it a day at a time. But right now, it's really bad and those decisions we've both made (him leaving, me packing his stuff) were all done in anger. I know that it's the best thing for me though. But why do I feel so bad about it?

Because you assume that to use some power and recognize your strength in the relationship is not acceptable. Get over this. Being a strong person, capable of setting boundaries within the relationship is not just OK, it's important.

[jj33]

Yeah I dont get that either. Why would you ask him why he was avoiding her.

 

Is that an indirect way of asking if its ended? Well no need to nitpick. You have packed his bags, good for you.

 

Remember it is up to him to make it all up to you. HE has to show you that he is prepared to be the H that you want him to be. Not for you to accept him back when he is involved with the OW. Not in a million years.

 

Take good care. As you said take it a day at a time. You are doing great.

[RugratMom]

Is that an indirect way of asking if its ended?

 

Sorry for the confusion (I'm such in a confused state!) but yeah, I guess this is what it is.

 

He is cooking something up with her and I don't know if it's for real or just for the moment, just something he'd like to do, control or manipulate her or whatever. And then it falls back on me. But, I guess not anymore, since he's out of the house now.

 

Thanks for all your words. It helps.

[jj33]

Well more fool him! He thought you would endlessly put up with his antics and you have not. He must have been SHOCKED that you kicked him out -- feeling complacent because you were going along with everything until now.

 

Arent you glad you did it - even if in anger. Now you are taking control and as sad and frightening as it must be, remind yourself that the gutwrenching feeling is actually the feeling of progress.

 

And sweetie if you think he is "cooking" something up, well as awful as that is, you are better off. You dont need to be on the other end of that kind of emotional manipulation - while you are getting mad - GET HALF!

[2sure]

It seems that you have a good handle on his manipulations. I think it is really good that you see his 3 day NC with OW for what it probably is...his manipulating or "punishing" her in some way.

 

It also seems like you are about to get him out of the house, which for your own self respect and sanity - you should do.

 

Regardless of whether you kick him out, or dont , or want to end the marriage, or save it....there is one thing that you should do. Take the control away from him - as far as you go.

 

Go on with your life. Have friends over for dinner. Girlfriends. No making him jealous with guys. stop discussing OW. Do not accept or initiate intimacy or even an argument. You dont have to pretend like you are not bothered by his behavior - but let him know you have decided his "problems" have nothing to do with you and so you have to move forward. In fact, you have lost interest in his issues. They are too deep seeded and strange for you to wrap your head around.

 

When the drama is removed from this game he is playing, when it no longer gets him attention and is only inconvenient....he will not be in control or manipulating you.

 

Then YOU can decide what you want.

[travelgirl]

I agree with 2Sure. Why are you talking to him about OW like he is your buddy? Move forward like you are, give him his bags, tell him if he wants to grow up and fight for his marriage like a real man, give you a call. Till then, you don't care what he does with OW and you don't have any times for all the emotional and munipulative games. You are moving forward with your life. End of discussion. If you let him talk to you and you say more then the above, you will give in one way or another. DON'T DO IT!

 

The more you talk to him, let him talk to you, back down, and don't follow thru, the more he will continue on in his childish ways. You both need time to yourselves right now. I know it is scary to let him go and not know what he is doing but I guarantee, if you don't call and back your words with actions, he will be more scared and worried then you.

[RecordProducer]

....calling our home phone is again one of those boundaries they've crossed.

Sorry, this situation is very sad, but thise just made me laugh. On a very serious note, can't you see how many boundaries he's crossed? You even call him and the OW "they." It should've been "we" not "they."

 

he says it's all because of this nasty headache

Which means his avoidance of her is only temporary. They probably had a disagreement or something. Big deal. Don't hope that they're through.

 

But right now, it's really bad and those decisions we've both made (him leaving, me packing his stuff) were all done in anger.

Well, you should be angry and when we're angry, we make angry decisions. Whether you feel your blood boiling or you're calm as a stone, you're still hurt and angry.

 

I know that it's the best thing for me though. But why do I feel so bad about it?

Yeah, why? I think it's because he somehow made you believe that this is all your fault. Even if you've made many mistakes in the marriage, his actions are absolutely outrageous. People cheat, leave, live as separated under the same roof.... but to have a wife and a mistress in some kind of a polygamous union is disgusting.

 

I actually understand where you're coming from. Your marriage was probably not so great prior to the affair; you've probably been married for a long time, you love each other as friends, you're afraid that if you live without him, it'll be even worse than this situation... But trust me, it won't be worse. All the pain comes from expectations that are not met.

 

 

You kicked him out - good. Now start dating someone new. Before you know it, your husband will be begging you to come back. But don't take him back under ANY circumstances. Trust me, the more you say NO the more he will want to come back. Eventually, he'll offer to get rid of the OW. But keep saying NO until you're 100% that he's done with her and hasn't contacted her in months.