Nearly Did It with WS, Rejected, Now Out of My Mind

[RugratMom]

How do you get the intimacy back with your WS?

 

We nearly did it last night but my WS had the presence of mind to stop it, telling me he doesn't wish to complicate things further. What does that mean? I'm so very confused. He initiated it, started kissing me first, indicating he was in the mood. We went to second base.

 

But I don't understand why he suddenly didn't want it. Like he suddenly grew a brain and realized the mistake.

 

We haven't had this kind of connection in four-five months. Most of the time it's just loving gestures like cuddling and hugs. And that's how it ended last night. Of course, after I cried and cried while he appeased me.

 

He is still in an affair. But lately I've been noticing he's more attentive to me than to her. Can it be possible he is "phasing" her off? I know it can be hard, because affairs can be addicting. He doesn't have the guts/heart/right mind/ to break up with her. The NC was unsuccessful.

 

Yet, he hasn't left me. I pushed him away a few times because of anger and sadness. I wanted to move on with my life. But he comes back everytime and tries to make it work with me.

 

Another thing.... last night I had to storm off because my anger was building up. We were out having coffee while waiting for our child who was busy with a school activity. It was something he suggested we do, by the way. I was set on waiting on our child myself, without him but he insisted on coming with me.

 

He was with me, yet I know he was thinking of her. I confirmed that when I happen to see his Facebook account saying that he was (thinking of her). So I left the coffee house and had to cool off. When I got back, he asked why I stormed out and I told him the truth....that he wants to do this, but I know that what he really wants is to be with her. Later on...while having dinner, he whispered to me that he felt like crying because of what happened at the coffee house earlier.

 

What's going on here? Why does my husband send me signals like this?

[Spark1111]

RRM, as long as there is continued contact between them, he cannot turn towards you and the marriage wholeheartedly to re-commit. Why do you tolerate this? Have you insisted on NC? I'd throw him out, personally, until he makes up his mind--you, or the OW!

[Trojan John]

A better question is, "why do you allow your husband to treat you like this?", or "do you have any self-respect?".

 

Stop letting the connard treat you like this if you don't like it.

[RugratMom]

The NC did not work. It created more issues in our marriage, I resented him even more and we've both gotten hurt in the process. I've thrown him out. He'd always come back. He'd never go to her. Never. He'd always come back to me and patch it up.

 

He mentioned the other day, that some things have already changed in our marriage and that we're so much better together now as a couple. He also mentioned he feels the OW is starting to get paranoid because she hasn't heard him complain about us in months. I don't know why he's saying that to me, when I'm still convinced he's still into her.

 

Part of me feels my husband needs this affair so that our relationship is sparked. Like it's necessary evil. We've been together for fifteen years, our life became a routine. Are there WS who feel this way?

 

There are instances when he's acting all giddy around me, like we're in this courtship stage and it's all beautiful. And then moments like this gets ruined when I hear that mobile message alert and know that it's from her.

 

This is the first time he cheated on me. We've always been so honest and trusting with each other. I mean, I'm the type of wife who will not raise hell if my husband would like to have a night out with the boys and watch naked ladies dance. He didn't have to hide those things from me since I trusted him like that (then).

 

I'm thinking of going NC on him myself but I still don't have the courage to do it.

[65tr6]

Part of me feels my husband needs this affair so that our relationship is sparked. Like it's necessary evil.

 

You are kidding, right ? If not, you MUST let go of that feeling. You dont need an ongoing affair to provide that spark.

 

If you want to recover your marriage, NC is the first step.

 

Your husband, OP, is a classic cakeeater. He wants your marriage and the OW.

 

Go to marriagebuilders.com and read up on Plan A and Plan B. You should be on Plan A immediately. If necessary Plan B after that.

 

You have a long way to go but no question your husband must kill the affair first.

 

Do you expose the affair to the whole world ? Is the OW married ?

[hopesndreams]

He also mentioned he feels the OW is starting to get paranoid because she hasn't heard him complain about us in months.

 

Looks like you are giving the OW some rope to hang herself with. She's acting more like the wife now and he may not enjoy seeing her in that way. He is after fun times with her, relaxing times, stress free times, which gives her the advantage over you. You be the one he chooses to relax with and have fun with and not argue with, turn the tables on her, it would most likely drive her nuts! Very advantageous for you and your situation.

 

And then moments like this gets ruined when I hear that mobile message alert and know that it's from her.

 

That sound cuts deep eh? I know. Just do not let it show that it annoys you. Let him message her back and you show some indifference to it.

 

I'd say give it more time but be prepared for the rejection and deal with it in your own quiet way. Also, do imagine your life without him, think of good times you'll have when he is no longer with you. I know this is tough, but it can help you in the long run if things don't work out and you go your separate ways.

[travelgirl]

A better question is, "why do you allow your husband to treat you like this?", or "do you have any self-respect?".

 

Stop letting the connard treat you like this if you don't like it.

 

 

Seriously - this isn't his problem, it is YOUR problem. Ever heard the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

Why on why would he EVER change. He has two women and he is stringing them both along. He is a selfish jerk and you let him treat you this way. Would you want the same thing for your child? What if a girlfriend or sister called you up and told you this story. Would you tell them to stick around hoping he "may" leave her?

 

He won't leave her unless you take action and STICK WITH IT. He knows he has you wrapped. You leave, you come back. You get angry, then you forgive him. He doesn't care about your feelings or his family he is breaking into two. All he cares about is boinking her right now and you sit around and let him do it - shame on you!!

[RugratMom]

65tr6 - I wish I was kidding. I wish this was all a bad TV sitcom episode. The OW is single, with no baggages at all. I mean, no kids nor ex-marriages to speak of. The affair has been exposed to her family who has tried to stop her from seeing my H. But people have a mind of their own and with this, reason and logic is not something that comes easily to people in affairs..

 

I'll look up marriagebuilders.com, thanks!

 

hopesndreams - I have been trying to appear indifferent when those things happen. I have grown to take care of myself, concentrated on work some days, lost some pounds (thanks, adulterous diet!), pampered myself, worked on my confidence and self-esteem... as it has been suggested to me by friends and family. But there are just days when I am too transparent, my anger seeps through the tears and he sees me breaking down.

 

I have not put any hope on the future, I'm not hanging on to whatever it is we have now, thinking the tide will change. Because things are hanging where they are....I try to live it day to day. I'd like to say I'm prepared for the ultimate rejection. But I know it will still hurt.

 

travelgirl - I probably deserved your reply. You and several other people have told me the same thing. And maybe I'm in a cloud or a fog myself. But I do pray the time comes I have all the strength I need to finally cut him lose.

[stillafool]

I know you must be in great pain. Your H is having everything he wants and you are just suppose to sit there and watch. Meanwhile he has you and his OW to love him and want him. My,my what a lucky "fool" he is. I would imagine he didn't want to continue with sex because he doesn't want to cheat on his OW. He has probably told her he is not having sex with you and didn't want to go there. He is a man and does need sex and that's why he almost went there with you but pulled back at the end. If only he had shown that amount of restraint when he was with the OW. I feel your H is totally disrespecting you and you are allowing him to. I think you have a very good chance of getting this "cheater" back if you want his sorry asrse. But first you have to "kick him out" ASAP and stop using the excuse that "he keeps coming back". DON'T LET HIM COME BACK!!!! That is your fault as you are allowing him to be a "cake eater". Let him go to the OW and see what it would be like without you. Control your fear and do it otherwise your present situation will become the norm.

[jwi71]

What's going on here? Why does my husband send me signals like this?

 

Your H is still having an A that's what's going on here.

Everything you describe paints a picture of a man trying to decide which woman he wants. You or the OW.

 

Why won't he be intimate with you? Well, that would be cheating on HER.

Which suggests that the emotional attachment to her is stronger.

 

I will presume you want this "back and forth" to end.

 

So end it. And the only way to do that is to sever a tie. Either sever the tie between the OW and your H or sever the tie between you and your H.

 

That's the ONLY way.

 

You allow him to continue with his OW then he will NEVER progress. And you will NEVER be "better" than the OW. Its a fight you CANNOT win. Their relationship is based on stolen moments and fantasy. There is no "life"...no toilets to scrub, no diapers to change and no bills to pay - just fun and dating and sex. How can you compete with that? You can't. No BS can ever compete with the "love" (trying not to gag there) that a WS and the OW/OM have.

 

What I would do is visit a lawyer. Pay the fee for the hour long consult. Learn the law. Learn YOUR legal rights. Get an advocate whose sole purpose is protecting you. This is one of the best moves you can make now...trust me on this. I'm not saying file for D...I'm saying arm yourself with knowledge. And this has a secondary benefit...your H will want to know where 150.00 went from checking. So tell him. The 150.00 went to your divorce lawyer. THAT will open his eyes.

 

Then DEMAND NC. Sorry...you say there is spark now? Where? It sure ain't in the bedroom. How is your M better now that your H has a gf? It isn't. So...he NEVER sees or hears from her again. Period. Not negotiable. If he doesn't like it...call the lawyer and file your petition.

 

He CANNOT have two women...its simply NOT fair to you.

 

Good luck...its a long and painful fight and the FIRST step is to sever a tie...and its up to HIM which tie to cut...yours or hers.

[travelgirl]

Plus, you need to go to a doctor or OB and get checked for STD's.

[mopar crazy]

I agree w/ everything said here. The part that stuck out the most is when the jw said he is more into the OW than into you and that is why he rejected you. He may not be into her more than you but he does care for her a lot and feels if he sleeps w/ you he is cheating on her.

 

My H had an A several years ago and he was a typical cakeeater. I used sex as a weapon to win him back from the OW only to wake up the next morning feeling used and hating myself. But then two days later I would do the same stupid crap b/c that guilt feeling quickly disappeared. I was stupid and never took the time to think about how it made me feel when I did sleep w/ him. I guess I was at the point I didn't care. Having sex w/ him was a way of saying "Look what you are going to miss out on if you choose her in the end" and it was also a way of trying to get back at the OW.

 

My H did move out. I told him if he wanted a D and the OW he needed to pack his things and leave. It wasn't hard to tell him to do that. I wasn't going to have him living in the house we built together while he was out screwing some OW. Someone once told me by kicking him out I basically pushed him into her arms more. I never thought of looking at it that way. What I thought of was not wanting to be in the same house as a man who was seeing someone else. If he was going to have someone on the side, he wasn't going to live w/ me and our children.

 

I don't know how you can honestly live in the same house day to day w/ a man who is involved w/ another woman. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. I just couldn't do it.

[whichwayisup]

He hasn't suffered enough consquences, pain and heartache to change his ways.

 

WHY take him back if he's still seeing the OW? Let him cry and beg! You two have NO chance of fixing this marriage as long as he's still seeing and in contact with the OW.

 

And WTF is this about his facebook saying he's thinking of her? That's bullcrap.

 

He KNOWS he can manipulate you. He knows exactly what buttons to push with you so he gets his way. No more.. Stand your ground, set up boundries and rules that he MUST live up to.

 

As for the OW since she isn't married, see if you can find out who her family is and let them in on what she's doing. Maybe that will help end the A.

[2sure]

Your H started to initiate sex with you, but stopped, leaving you crying for him and him comforting you.

 

Either he doesnt want to cheat on the OW or he really really enjoys the control you have given him. Not only will you accept he is cheating - but now he also wants you to prove that you still want him - but cant have him.

 

The reason he comes back when you throw him out? Because you are in his home with his family. Why should he give anything up or even be inconvenienced?

 

The reason he doesnt go to OW's when you throw him out?? Becuase then she would feel he was available and no longer suffer wondering whats going on.

 

The reason OW is paranoid - which he so loves to share with you - is because he also loves to share what goes on in his marriage with her.

 

This one not only prefers having both of you - what he is really ENJOYING is watching you both suffer. He wants the attention. He wants to think of himself as a prize worth suffering for. He gets a big kick over how much both of you will tolerate.

 

THIS is sickening.

[hotgurl]

well I would be tempted to tell him since having an affiar is helping him get his "spark" back that you are going to have an affiar as well. Since you really need to get your spark back too.

 

there is no way in hell I would live with him as he was having an affair.

[angie2443]

Your husband sounds like he may be a little sadistic. What are you getting out of bieng married to him? If you have children, do you understand that they will be harmed by what is going on here?

[RugratMom]

Thank you everyone for your replies. This community does really tell it like it is.

 

 

What I would do is visit a lawyer. Pay the fee for the hour long consult. Learn the law. Learn YOUR legal rights.

 

I have thought about going to the lawyer to look into my options, yes. I will have to follow through on this.

 

I used sex as a weapon to win him back from the OW only to wake up the next morning feeling used and hating myself.

 

Early on, I had told my husband we cannot have this kind of intimacy as long as she's still in his life because that would make me feel like crap and I don't want to end up hating myself.

 

So it surprised me he started kissing me passionately last night when we've had this agreement for months.

 

Either he doesnt want to cheat on the OW or he really really enjoys the control you have given him. Not only will you accept he is cheating - but now he also wants you to prove that you still want him - but cant have him

 

I have thought this, too! That this is all about control.

 

Being in this kind of a relationship now is a lot like politics, only things are so much more personal. I recognize the bluffs, the manipulations and all those things, I really do. I just need to find my strength and learn to hold my ground to stop this.

 

Your messages make me stronger to face this, though. So I think...I hope I'm on the right track.

 

well I would be tempted to tell him since having an affiar is helping him get his "spark" back that you are going to have an affiar as well. Since you really need to get your spark back too.

 

I mentioned this matter of factly, he thought I was joking. But my husband knows me so well ---- it's not in my character.

 

The time I threw him out of our house it took him forever to leave!! He took his time packing and preparing his stuff while I chilled in another room avoiding him. He looked like a sad puppy when he said goodbye (manipulative tactics? Remorse?). But I only walked back to our room and closed the door.

 

My husband knows I will do an NC on him once he does pack his bags for good and I think that this is what's...holding him back? He mentions he doesn't wanna "lose" me since I'm the only person who "gets" him, not even his girlfriend does.

 

What the hell is that about?

[stillafool]

This one not only prefers having both of you - what he is really ENJOYING is watching you both suffer. He wants the attention. He wants to think of himself as a prize worth suffering for. He gets a big kick over how much both of you will tolerate.

 

THIS is sickening.

 

 

2sure this is exactly what he is doing and I wish she could see it.

[MichelleS1983]

Well RugRatMom, it would appear you've chosen to be a volunteer. You were once a victim, but now that you're allowing this nonsense under your own nose and in your home, you've become a volunteer.

 

How's that working for ya?

 

I guess pretty soon you'll be ironing his clothes for him so he looks good on his dates with his side dish. Perhaps you can call her and tell her what his favorite dishes are so she can prepare them for him.

 

Sorry, I don't have alot of sympathy for women who have zero self respect and no dignity whatsoever.

[awkward]

The OW is single, with no baggages at all. I mean, no kids nor ex-marriages to speak of.

 

Having your husband's children should be a plus on your side of the column. Don't you agree?

 

The affair has been exposed to her family who has tried to stop her from seeing my H.

 

Well that didn't work. So now you know that she isn't going anywhere willingly. You aren't going to make her go away either. It is up to your husband on whether his relationship with her ends or not.

 

Allowing him to have both his wife and his girlfriend will lead to nothing changing. Can you live like this for a year? 2 years? Indefinitely? Even if he dumps his girlfriend he can always get another one because his wife (you) will allow it.

 

Competing for your husband's love, attention, comfort, time, etc. is not healthy for you. Turn it around. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. You can do this by seeing a counselor, spending time with friends and family, reading books that will help you heal. Don't depend on him to help you heal.

 

Start thinking about what you can do to change the situation. There are many paths you can take, but you want to take the one where you come out healthy at the end. That may be with your husband or without him. There is another site out there that has articles that you can read to help you get through this. I read about it here but can't remember the name of the site. If you find it, read the articles.

 

My advice would be for you to go NC with your husband unless it is about your children. (No sleepovers. No dates. No coffee. No texts. No emails. No calls. Nothing. You won't have to hear the beep on his mobile phone because you won't be sitting there with him.) Remove yourself from the triangle. Let his relationship with his girlfriend flourish or fail. Once the reality sits in, their relationship will lose it's fantasy properties. The way you describe your husband, I don't get the feeling that he wants a full-time girlfriend. I think it's more about the cake.

 

If he chooses to come back to you, then you can work together at rebuilding your marriage. Hopefully by then you will have done enough healing to know exactly what boundaries you need to have in place so that you can have a healthy marriage and what work needs to be done so this doesn't repeat. Perhaps by then you might decide the marriage is not healthy for you.

 

Right now, this is not healthy for you, your children, or your marriage. Love yourself more than he loves you. Love yourself.

[jnj express]

Tell me how do you like sloppy seconds. How does one love someone and want to be with someone who openly doesn't care about that person. You really are upside down here. PROPERLY MARRIED COUPLES, ARE JUST THAT A COUPLE, there are no others in their lives, why are you allowing this to go on. How you could want to stay with the POS you have for a H. I DO NOT KNOW. But if you do want to stay the OW must go RIGHT NOW. Bottom line here tho, I think you need to pursue a divorce, I mean how much longer in this life you only live once, are you going allow yourself to be taking sloppy seconds.

[KismetGirl]

Wow, Im a little at a loss. How is this even going on? How can you just let him have a girlfriend? Why does he have all the power in this relationship? I dont get it.

 

He's never going to choose. Why? No one is making him choose anything. He gets to have everything. He gets nooky and excitement with the girlfriend. he gets the comfort and stability of wife and mother to his kids.

 

Really I am flabbergasted that he just gets to flaunt his affair in your face. His situation is the dream of married men cheating everywhere. Wow. I don't know what to say. He texts her in front of you? He writes facebook statuses about her where you and everyone else that know you two can read it and know what he is doing????

 

It seems so....disrespectful. I mean, I know an affair in and of itself is disrespectful, but he just seems like he has NO consideration of how this is hurting you and continues to flaunt it. Granted, I am no moral high horse. Im in an affair as an OW, but I am not even on my MM's facebook friends list, let alone do I text him when I know he is home with his family....not that lying is a good way to go either, but to flaunt it in your spouse's face seems somehow alot more cruel....

 

What on earth are you going to do? You can't keep doing this. He will never made a decision. And frankly, I don't see why the decision has to be his...

[RugratMom]

Sorry, I don't have alot of sympathy for women who have zero self respect and no dignity whatsoever.

 

I am not asking for anyone's sympathy. But I respect your opinion.

 

Can you live like this for a year? 2 years? Indefinitely?

 

I cannot.

 

That's why I'm in such an emotional mess. I have told this to my husband over and over. There are days when he seems to have the fog lifted, wondering what he is doing with his life. Pretty much like this guy here in this other thread. And there are days I feel and assume our marriage is over.

 

When they say this is an emotional roller coaster from hell, it really is. I realize he is a big SOB, plus the fog he is currently on right now, it's making him worse. That's not an excuse I am making up, I'm just saying I see the situation.

 

On the flipside, I've had people telling me don't give up, whatever it takes.

 

So....

 

There are many paths you can take, but you want to take the one where you come out healthy at the end. That may be with your husband or without him.

 

This I would like very much so. Just can't seem to get a grip on how. Yet. But I am really leaning towards NCing on him, soon. Soon. Soon!

 

Tell me how do you like sloppy seconds.

 

I don't. Nor do I want a part-time husband.

 

But I know you're all thinking I'm letting him be all that. I tell myself that, too.

 

If I sound so helpless, I probably am. I get what you are all saying and I really, really do appreciate it all.

 

I'm at my wits end trying to do everything I can to turn this around...I am at this point where I feel like not doing anything anymore. Right now, I guess I'm just too exhausted emotionally to even deal with anything. I wonder if there are BS like me who feel the same way. What do you do when you're far too exhausted?

 

And I needed a place to vent...so here I am.

[RecordProducer]

You should watch the movie "Vicki Christina Barcelona."

 

I think you want to use this woman as a spark for your marriage. Not him. He wants status quo. He doesn't want to choose. Both you and the OW are enablers; you enable him to be with you and return to you every time, and the OW also takes him back. If you don't take him back, he'll go to the other woman. If the OW dumps him because of you, he'll start going to her house.

 

He is using the two of you. Your marriage hasn't improved; his life has improved because he's got the attention of two women who tolerate his BS. He knows exactly what to say to each one of you and how to act in order to keep you both. When he is with you, he' telling her that he's thinking of her.

 

Only if one of you makes him choose, he'll ditch one of you. For now it seems like he is sexually faithful to her. If I were you, I would find a lover myself and kick him out.

 

I have the impression that you're happier about the OW's suffering (cuz he's not leaving you for her) than you're sad about your own suffering.

[KismetGirl]

I am not asking for anyone's sympathy. But I respect your opinion.

 

 

 

I cannot.

 

That's why I'm in such an emotional mess. I have told this to my husband over and over. There are days when he seems to have the fog lifted, wondering what he is doing with his life. Pretty much like this guy here in this other thread. And there are days I feel and assume our marriage is over.

 

When they say this is an emotional roller coaster from hell, it really is. I realize he is a big SOB, plus the fog he is currently on right now, it's making him worse. That's not an excuse I am making up, I'm just saying I see the situation.

 

On the flipside, I've had people telling me don't give up, whatever it takes.

 

So....

 

 

 

This I would like very much so. Just can't seem to get a grip on how. Yet. But I am really leaning towards NCing on him, soon. Soon. Soon!

 

 

 

I don't. Nor do I want a part-time husband.

 

But I know you're all thinking I'm letting him be all that. I tell myself that, too.

 

If I sound so helpless, I probably am. I get what you are all saying and I really, really do appreciate it all.

 

I'm at my wits end trying to do everything I can to turn this around...I am at this point where I feel like not doing anything anymore. Right now, I guess I'm just too exhausted emotionally to even deal with anything. I wonder if there are BS like me who feel the same way. What do you do when you're far too exhausted?

 

And I needed a place to vent...so here I am.

 

Don't worry about the harsh words (eg- "sloppy seconds"). Most people are just surprised about a woman letting someone so bluntly get away with this is all. Feel free to vent as much as you need.

 

How is NC even an option, though? Don't you have kids together? I feel like by default when you have children with someone, for the sake of the children's relationship with their parents, NC between the parents is sort of a no-go. This doesn't mean you can't go off on your own and live your own life though, and stop waiting for him. Maybe he's one of those men that only realizes what he is missing when he no longer has it. I don't think you would lose anything by doing that, to be honest. Either he finally relaizes he's been a total toole, and by some grace of god you still want him back, or he continues to stay with his OW and you are better off, because who wants a man who doesn't want them?? Easier said than done but its pretty simple as far as the actions go, in the end, and your self esteem will do wonders for itself when you aren't accepting the scraps of a relationship he is feeding you. Remember back to a time when you were #1 and only woman in a relationship. It was nice, right? That's what you deserve again, no matter what. This guy's indeciseveness is....well....it's unforgiveable really, the way he's going about this. As if he's a king on a throne with the ability to take as long as he pleases to choose what to do. He doesn't have that pleasure, though you've given it to him for quite some time....he really doesn't deserve it. No one does. If he has issues he needs to deal with...fair enough. Then he needs to deal with them ALONE. Sans OW, and sans you if that's the case. He'll never "decide" anything as long as he doesn't have to.

 

Men avoid conflict like the plague. As long as he doesn't "have" to make a decision....he probably won't.

 

I hope you decide on what to do with yourself soon, and that whatever it turns out to be....you are happy. Doesn't everyone deserve that? Religious beliefs aside, you are given only one life. Just one. Don't waste it.