Dexter Morgan Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Wog, marry somone you have similar interest and similar morals and this isn't an issue. Wog, its a fair statement. I know you had posted about a year ago how you found a good woman. Has something about her changed?
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Surprisingly enough, it sounds like Wog found himself a really good one and does have a happy marriage. I'm happy for him...I may not always agree with him or appreciate his rhetoric but he deserves to be happy after the crap he's been through. It does bug me that he was trying to poke holes in my marriage in a way. He was insinuating that my H must be a patsy since we get along so great and we've lasted as long as we have. When I told him otherwise, he never came back. My H can be an infuriatingly stubborn old goat at times. And as some on here know by now, so can I. Luckily we both can compromise enough (or give in sometimes) to make it work for us. But like someone said, it's a good idea to start out being on the same page about most big things so that there won't be too many problems to negotiate to begin with.
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 With THIS attitude, it's only a matter of time before everything goes south between them. Any man who is aware of how current gender relations work has this in the back of his head. I love my wife dearly but I am fully aware that she is a woman and can turn on me at any givern moment so I have emotionally prepared myself just in case.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I must say I fight it (I'm socialized to always think the best of people), but the thoughts shared by Wogs do nip at the back of my mind. I find that disappointing....
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 I just think I am an aware man. I keep trying to fight how I feel but when I look around I realize how right I am.
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I must say I fight it (I'm socialized to always think the best of people), but the thoughts shared by Wogs do nip at the back of my mind. I find that disappointing.... Do you think that mentality poisoned your marriage in any way? I'm genuinely curious because I've experienced what this kind of thinking can do to a couple.
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Most likely his marriage influenced that way of thinking. I just refuse to be one of those men who are completely shocked and blindsided when the woman he thought loved all of a sidden turns on him and now resents him for everything. That might happen to me but I won't be shocked.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Do you think that mentality poisoned your marriage in any way? I'm genuinely curious because I've experienced what this kind of thinking can do to a couple. Those thoughts are the result of my marital experience. I did not have them prior, even though I had my share of failed dating and GF/BF experiences. It's something new. Having examined some of it in MC, I would say, for myself, that it's a result of the shift in expectations I've come to have of others, where before I had no real expectations. That was unhealthy. Not expressing those expectations and feelings properly led to resentment, and I will say resentment was a contributing factor in poisoning the marriage. That part definitely was my fault.
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Interesting. Thanks, carhill. Sounds just like my H. He was cheated on in his first marriage. And he let her run their finances into the ground. He was changed forever after that.
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 So have I, but certain folks refuse to acknowledge that they may be poisoning the very well they drink from. Well put, Donna.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Interesting. Thanks, carhill. Sounds just like my H. He was cheated on in his first marriage. And he let her run their finances into the ground. He was changed forever after that. I think, with time and reflection, aided by the tools learned in MC, such thoughts can be appended and reconciled. TBH, I've seen enough hardened hearts in the women I've known over the years to not wish to become that way. Life is short
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Thanks. But, seriously - look at the opening post again. He hates women. It is what it is. He'll lose his wife, I'm certain of it. How can she not feel the seething hatred he's trying so hard to mask? I've said the exact same thing to him over the years. But I stopped. It's falling on deaf ears. I just wish him well.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I haven't been around that long, but perhaps LS is Wog's venting place. Does anyone here know him IRL? Maybe he deposits toxins here to be the kind of man that his good wife deserves IRL. IDK. I guess it's kinda like the shoe fitting. If it doesn't fit me, I don't worry about it
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I think, with time and reflection, aided by the tools learned in MC, such thoughts can be appended and reconciled. TBH, I've seen enough hardened hearts in the women I've known over the years to not wish to become that way. Life is short That's an excellent attitude to have. Yes, it takes time and reflection and faith....not sure about the MC but whatever works to get you where you need to be mentally is fine with me!
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I did a lot of psychological work in MC when I saw that the couples angle wasn't fleshing out the way I had wished. I pushed for recitation of my issues and then worked them. I've always been about growth, introspection and evolution. MC is now over for us. I just couldn't afford it any longer (after a year of it).
Dexter Morgan Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Wogs, I can't say I don't share your sentiments to some degree. However, whereas you tend to think it will be inevitable that she will turn on you, I just simply realize it could happen. Shield yourself, make sure your emotions are in check, but don't put a wall up between you and your wife. Again, I need to ask, did she do something recently or her behavior change to make you think she is like "the rest of them"?
Author Woggle Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 She did nothing and I really do trust her more than I will probably ever trust a woman but emotionally I am prepared for a worst case scenario. It's like having lifeboats on a cruise ship. You sure don't want that ship to sink but you have those boats so you can survive if it is. Preparing myself to survive if she does walk out on me or have an affair is my emotional lifeboat. I hope I never have to use it but having it in my mind helps me breathe easy.
taylor Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I don't focus on negativity but I can't ignore what's going on. Plus I do wonder if my wife will eventually turn on me. So far it is going very well bt many marriages go very well before the woman all of a sudden does a 180. This is the kind of baggage a person drags into a new relationship from an old one. Have you shared these thoughts with your new wife? Does she know that you wonder if she will turn on you...do a 180? What is her response? How does your new wife deal with your insecurities?
The Collector Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I just think I am an aware man. I keep trying to fight how I feel but when I look around I realize how right I am. You are right Woggle. Of the group 'walking on eggshells to avoid the doghouse' the vast majority are men. This is because most men just want a quiet life and avoid confrontation, and most women are able to keep the argument going longer and without need to stick to a point or use logic. This is a broad but true generalization based on what I have observed in my 40 years on this planet.
carhill Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 There ya go again, proving his point (j/k) My experience has been the reverse of his assertion, but I validate it nonetheless. Our psychologist did note my marked departure from the male "norm". I guess that supports the philosophy of uniqueness
The Collector Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 That's funny. In MY marriage I was the one "walking on eggshells" because my ex was a selfish bastard who only noticed OTHERS' faults but not his own. I guess in MY world that translates to "all men are selfish bastards who only notice others' faults and not their own." Well, that's one marriage. Have you not looked at many other relationships to get a broader view? And as for your 'walking on eggshells,' how did that manifest itself? You were afraid to say what otherwise what might happen?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 She did nothing and I really do trust her more than I will probably ever trust a woman but emotionally I am prepared for a worst case scenario. It's like having lifeboats on a cruise ship. You sure don't want that ship to sink but you have those boats so you can survive if it is. Preparing myself to survive if she does walk out on me or have an affair is my emotional lifeboat. I hope I never have to use it but having it in my mind helps me breathe easy. I, like you, have my guard up with relationships. But by how you described your wife in the past, don't judge her by your ex bit...ahem, I mean ex wife. your ex wife is like mine. just a couple of worthless tramps among the good ones out there. Don't shut your wife out because of what your X did to you. If she turns out to be like your X, then just get rid of her.
Author Woggle Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 This is the kind of baggage a person drags into a new relationship from an old one. Have you shared these thoughts with your new wife? Does she know that you wonder if she will turn on you...do a 180? What is her response? How does your new wife deal with your insecurities? She knows how I feel and she knows that as long as she does right by me I will do right by her. I will never cheat on her, abuse her, or try to control her. If she cheats she is out of the door with no discussion and if she ever brings up the word divorce she better mean it because there is no going back after that. I will not be some lap dog bending over backwards for a resentful nag. If she is not happy I will help her pack her bags and show her the door.
Author Woggle Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 It's good that you both know where you stand with each other, but Woggle, it's like you're dragging this huge bag of rocks around with you - this attitude you have. I don't know how you can even enjoy life. I enjoy life very much more than most men I know actually. I am who I am and a woman can take it or leave it while most other men I know are twisting themselves into pretzels in order to impress a woman that will resent the hell out of them anyway. Most married men I know can't even go out to dinner with me and the guys without getting the 3rd degree from their wives or girlfriends while I can pretty much do what I want without being nagged. I am living life to it's fullest right now.
Author Woggle Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 And my man and I have our individual freedoms as well. Yours is NOT the only well adjusted relationship out there. But I, on the other hand, don't dwell on the negativity of the bad relationships I've seen like a pig in mud. I am glad you have found a good relationship but maybe you don't see this negativity all around you. I see my friends going through this crap all the time.
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