MissingMyHubby Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I got dumped a little under 2 years ago, and the breakup was a very rough one for me. My ex treated me like garbage following the break, and professed her love for her new man all over her FB and IM etc. She is currently engaged to said man. After 19 months of complete NC, I get this text yesterday afternoon...it reads.... "I just want u 2 know i know i treated u poorly. Im sorry for that and hope u can forgive me someday." I haven't made any moves yet. Thoughts? I wanna know why now or why at all too. She is engaged.
Island Girl Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 She is alleviating her conscience. But I don't doubt that she really means the apology. It could be that now she is truly feeling what caring actually means and that has caused her to regret what she did in the course of your break up and how she hurt you. This is exactly what happened to me when I finally felt a deep love for someone else. I thought about everyone I had hurt and still suffer with regrets in some cases.
Author MissingMyHubby Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 do I say anything back? I do not wish to stroke her ego. I just wonder why now, now that she is freakin living with her future husband.
Island Girl Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 It happened to me when I really knew that I loved my now husband. It takes knowing what that kind of caring entails and knowing how it would feel to lose them to empathize what another person felt when we hurt them. At least that is how it was for me. If you want to leave it as is and not reply then she still has to sit with her actions and her guilt. If you want her to feel better then answer her and say "apology accepted, good luck to you".
Adele. Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 She is alleviating her conscience. But I don't doubt that she really means the apology. It could be that now she is truly feeling what caring actually means and that has caused her to regret what she did in the course of your break up and how she hurt you. This is exactly what happened to me when I finally felt a deep love for someone else. I thought about everyone I had hurt and still suffer with regrets in some cases. How could you assume, then, from your own experiences and feelings that she didn't mean the apology? If you suffer from regret, how could she not also? I think her apology could very well be sincere. I also think that people use the "hate" tatic when breaking up. It makes it easier for people to leave another if they make themselves hate the person they are trying to leave. It's unfortunate that we, as humans, have hard time letting go of relationships that are not the best for either people involved.
Author MissingMyHubby Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 So what your saying is that the person/husband you are with now was not the same person you felt these guilty feelings for? So what your saying is that she probably is in love with her fiance that she is with now, but has to clear her consious of me first? Will she love him more if I dont reply? Or if I do?
Surfer Girl Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Perhaps she feels guilty of the way she treated you in the beginning and with enough time realizes how much she hurt you. Sometimes people realize with enough distance it gives them time to think about how wrong or hurtful they were... Looking back and thinking how could I have done what I did.... Regrets.... IMHO it is asking for forgiviness for hurting you, I guess it really depends on whether you feel you have forgiven her and giving both of you peace to move on..
Island Girl Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 She is alleviating her conscience. But I don't doubt that she really means the apology. How could you assume, then, from your own experiences and feelings that she didn't mean the apology? Read the bolded quote above. You completely misunderstood what I wrote. So what your saying is that the person/husband you are with now was not the same person you felt these guilty feelings for? No my husband is NOT one of those people. We have never broken up. I feel guilt over the way I broke up with a few of my exes. Because I wasn't very nice about it. So what your saying is that she probably is in love with her fiance that she is with now, but has to clear her consious of me first? No. What I am saying is she probably finally is able to feel deeply enough that she understands how you felt when she did what she did. The reason she can understand now is she can imagine what it would feel like if he did something like that to her. Will she love him more if I dont reply? Or if I do? How she feels about him has nothing to do with it. She will continue to feel as she does about him. She is apologizing to you because she can finally understand how much that must have hurt you. And she feels that how she did what she did was WRONG. She hurt you and she is sorry for doing that. She is sorry that things happened the way that they did. She doesn't see breaking up as a mistake. She just knows she could have been fair to you when she broke it off and she didn't need to say all those hurtful things.
Adele. Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Read the bolded quote above. You completely misunderstood what I wrote. My bad. I am sorry. It's late and my mind is halfway not here.
Island Girl Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 My bad. I am sorry. It's late and my mind is halfway not here. Thanks for apologizing but I was just clarifying. We all have those late night posts!
Adele. Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks for apologizing but I was just clarifying. We all have those late night posts! :bunny:
sad_panda Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Maybe she really did finally realize how horrible her behavior was. The ex BF of a close friend of mine finally apologized to her after three years of NC. The way he dumped her three years ago was heartless and cold. My flatmate's ex BF apologized to her after seven years of being broken up. He cheated on her when they were together, and finally left her for the other girl. Sometimes it does take that long.
seibert253 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 No matter how bad she treated you, be the better person. If it were me, I'd respond: "got your message, apology accepted, good luck to you". Nothing more, nothing less.
Trimmer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 So what your saying is that she probably is in love with her fiance that she is with now, but has to clear her consious of me first? Will she love him more if I dont reply? Or if I do? I am concerned from these questions that you are considering whether you hold any sway or control over her feelings, and/or her current relationship. I would suggest that you put those thoughts aside, and choose your response from the heart, and consider not how a response would affect her, but rather how it would affect you. If you feel like you could offer a response along the lines of IG and seibert's suggestions - "apology accepted, good luck..." - and if it will make you feel OK, or even better, to do it, then go ahead. On the other hand, if it would make you feel like you "gave in" or lost ground or something like that, then stay NC, because it would appear that you have not been able to fully let go yet, and it would be more healthy for you to ignore it and focus on your life. Along the same lines, if you are considering your ability to affect her feelings or her current relationship, I just don't see anything healthy - for you - about offering a response in that situation. Bottom line, if you would truly make you feel better to offer a gracious response, then take the opportunity to do it and then move on. If it would stir up uncomfortable or ingracious feelings, then I would avoid it and fall back on NC to continue your healing.
SummerSun Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 No matter how bad she treated you, be the better person. If it were me, I'd respond: "got your message, apology accepted, good luck to you". Nothing more, nothing less. This is the best advice. Even if it is hard for you to do it, you will feel better in the long run knowing that you have been then better person and that you've done the right thing. Water under the bridge and all that.
Trimmer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 This is the best advice. Even if it is hard for you to do it, you will feel better in the long run knowing that you have been then better person and that you've done the right thing. Water under the bridge and all that. Instead of continuing to compete with her in the struggle to be the better person, maybe you will realize the possibility that you have both become better people, and that will give you some peace. True "water under the bridge" would be no longer feeling a need to win, or strike a blow.
audrey_1 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I am concerned from these questions that you are considering whether you hold any sway or control over her feelings, and/or her current relationship. I would suggest that you put those thoughts aside, and choose your response from the heart, and consider not how a response would affect her, but rather how it would affect you. Bottom line, if you would truly make you feel better to offer a gracious response, then take the opportunity to do it and then move on. If it would stir up uncomfortable or ingracious feelings, then I would avoid it and fall back on NC to continue your healing. Exactly - but I would add that you really don't owe her anything at all from your heart. You are fully within your right not to respond. What you say, one way or the other, will not affect her situation. I would probably choose to say nothing, simply because I had been in N/C, and to break it would change my thought process, change the course I'd been on, set me back a few steps, hinder my progress. It's not worth it.
Trimmer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Exactly - but I would add that you really don't owe her anything at all from your heart. You are fully within your right not to respond. What you say, one way or the other, will not affect her situation. I completely and unequivocally agree... My whole point is only to offer a response if the OP feels like it will be a positive step for him. I would probably choose to say nothing, simply because I had been in N/C, and to break it would change my thought process, change the course I'd been on, set me back a few steps, hinder my progress. It's not worth it. I agree - unless he's fairly confident that it would bring him some peace or grace, staying in NC would be the thing.
kizik Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I find that people only realize how badly they treated you once they are eventually treated the same way. They begin to reevaluate their actions towards you - then they apologize - but by then you could care less. If only we lived in a world where people took responsibility for their actions immediately.
Art_Critic Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I haven't made any moves yet. There aren't any moves to be made in this... If you try and make a "move" then you are just stroking her ego and letting your self esteem take a wack.. The reality is that you have to take her at her word.. she just apologized.. it is up to you how you react to that.. an apology doesn't always mean someone is trying to get you back or anything.. it just means they are sorry... Either ignore it or text her back just saying "thanks".. "apology accepted".. no other words.. nor other mentions of anything.. Then forget about her...
kizik Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 an apology doesn't always mean someone is trying to get you back or anything.. it just means they are sorry... Agreed. My ex ex apologized to me about a year ago, for ditching me when we were teenagers. When I tried to engage in a convo with her, she just ignored me again. Same old Maggie. Some people use apologies as a self-serving way to cleanse their consciences, rather than to right past wrongs.
RecordProducer Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I agree with the ladies. I only wonder why you have a username "Missing my Hubby" and you're a man.
Author MissingMyHubby Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Makes it all that more anonymous. You weren't the first person to ask that haha. So far I am leaning towards continuing NC. Thanks for everyone's input thus far.
kizik Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I agree with the ladies. I agree with the men. Just kidding. I don't even understand a comment like "I agree with the ladies" unless it's some sort of subtle gender sleight.
EmperorR Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Why break your NC? just delete it and continue on with your life, you don't need any justification from her for her wrongdoings etc.
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