SRV Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 No. First kill the connection. Then work on the marriage. Competition with a competitor does not always work. Check the site out and read "Why women leave men" Usually, it is just ONE person that wants to save a marriage. This man's wife has already checked out, trust me. Imagine, and that's exactly what I meant in different words. Sometimes I wonder, especially if the person has checked out, evident by the emotional attachment, most cases it has gone physical, why is it even worth fighting for, would you?
Author Lost&Confused36 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Imagine, and that's exactly what I meant in different words. Sometimes I wonder, especially if the person has checked out, evident by the emotional attachment, most cases it has gone physical, why is it even worth fighting for, would you? It thought it might be at first, but it's not worth it to me now. She has committed the ultimate sin in my mind and I cannot forgive that at this point. Even if she came crawling back to me today, how could I ever trust that she is being honest and truthful. The bottom line is that I can't. She is already gone...I have accepted that. It's just hard to sit idly and know it is going on...and she knows I know. But I have to be diciplined so I can get to my end goal. I just want to blow up in her face about it and try to get her to see that her actions are completely disgusting and unacceptable. But what's the point, she will never see that now. So, keep my end goal in mind, play the game, and execute when the times right. That's where I am.
Author Lost&Confused36 Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 Lost & Confused - I feel so bad for you. I went through the same thing a few years ago and it's been hell. Once they get it in their head that this other person is sooooo wonderful they just see you as all negative. Very black & white thinking. My husband also tried to hide the affair and just tried to portray it as a dead marriage that was all my fault. My god, you have just perfectly described my last 6 weeks. That is scary!!! This is exactly what is going on. They get insane and cruel and abusive and blame it all on you. This is exactly what my wife is doing. Once, my husband threw a fit calling me an unreliable because I had gone to a neighbors house to visit while waiting for him to return from a weekend's visit to his OW. He was wearing the shirt that this woman gave him for a gift and he was insisting that I was horrible because I had not been home waiting for him when he arrived. He slept on the couch and the next morning he tried to calmly explain how I was in the wrong. I finally said back to him, "you are standing there wearing the shirt that another woman gave you and you are telling me that I am wrong because I was across the street when you pulled in the driveway and I had already called on the cell and told you where I was" Suddenly he got a deer in the headlight look and ran out of the room. This is how crazy they get. I'm glad to hear that you are in counseling. That should help. It's been a tremendous help for me. It will also help guide you on how to do what's best for the kids. I had also dragged my husband to 2 MCs and both said it was a waste of time. The second one asked him to stop contact with his "friend" and when he refused she said our marriage was over. It took me a long time to face that reality. He did not move out for about six months and it was constant fighting and uglyness, often started by him over trival matters. I think he wanted to make sure I was worth leaving. You need to see a divorce lawyer and find out about the divorce laws where you live. Even if you don't want to file, you should at least get the facts. They can vary a lot and make a big difference on outcomes. You also need advice on what kind of evidence you will need. Just seeing the lawyer will give you knowledge of options. I don't agree about seeing every divorce lawyer in town. That's not doable and not necessary (and contradictory to the other sound advice about taking care of yourself and not worrying about them). Just get yourself educated and if you decide to file for divorce, make sure you get someone good. You will also find out if you can move out of the house without loosing it. Given that you have young children and a stay-at-home wife you might need to be the one to leave for the sake of the kids. It's important that you get away from this toxic situation so you can have time to heal. You sound like a great guy and in every situation like this I've seen (and I've seen a few) the guys who were cheated on and dumped ended up MUCH happier than the wives who left for a supposedly perfect person. I can't describe how horrible this situation is. I want out badly. I just can't figure out this can be justified as OK in her mind. I have found emails from her friends saying how much torture it must be to have to come home knowing she has already decided to leave. They say hang in there until the summer when she say pack up and leave. I want to throw her ass out so badly right now I can't stand it. Plus the conscious choice to keep the affair going when I have confronted her about it and she knows I know...but she doesn't care. Everything is all my fault, I drove her into the arms of another man ..total bullsh**!!!!! I hate having to play this game, but I have too until I get my things in order.
lostsunsets Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 L&C You have to take her off all bank accounts. Cancel all credit cards. She will steal you blind. Give her an allowance and pay the bills yourself!
Author Lost&Confused36 Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 This can only work if she wants to end it. If she doesn't, there is pretty much nothing he can do but get his ducks in a row and start detaching and moving on. Reading through the forum, this is an uphill battle, which requires both partners to willingly participate if there is any chance at reconciliation. GL The OM does have a spouse. I would like to expose, but don't know how to go about finding out all the info I need to get in contact. Also, this is a one man show at this point....she is already checked out and waiting at the station to leave...I am, or should I say was, the only willing participant this whole time.
lostsunsets Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 She needs to understand that you are in the power seat. She has to understand that. So you close accounts. And pay the bills. And when she cries. go in you pocket and give her a twenty.
SRV Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 The OM does have a spouse. I would like to expose, but don't know how to go about finding out all the info I need to get in contact. Also, this is a one man show at this point....she is already checked out and waiting at the station to leave...I am, or should I say was, the only willing participant this whole time. Granted she has already checked out, the OP spouse needs to know what her husband has been upto. You need to find this information and disclose it to his spouse the devastation that he has caused two families. Do not let her or him know you are doing this. It needs to get done.
imagine Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 If I were guilty for any part of the marriages demise and had kids, it's time to fight for the marriage. I would do it to make sure there is no fault that can be found at my door. All the blame shifting turning you into a monster is part of the process to justify there leaving. Check out the plan A procedure in the marriagebuilders articles how to turn this around. Wayward wifes follow the same formula (Articles are free). Read "Surviving an Affair" Dr Harley. Anticipate her actions.
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