Lost&Confused36 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 My wife totally devastated me 6 weeks ago by coming to me and telling me that she was totally numb toward me and had absolutely no feelings left for me. I was completely blindsided by this. She tells me that she has been trying for years to "reconnect" with me both as a husband and a lover and that she is done and doesn't understand why I would do this to us. The problem is that I had no idea she was feeling this way. Actually, I had felt similarly that I had tried to connect with her, especially sexually, and gotten no response or interest. Now she has gone back over our 12 years of marriage and totally destroyed it by picking it apart and basically taking all the situations we have been in and turning them against me. These are situations that I felt we had been in together as a couple, but are now "my fault". I do accept some of the responsibility for where we have gotten to. She is a stay at home mom and I am the sole money maker for the family. I have found myself putting my job before my family at times, which I know is a mistake. I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself over work and finances and I do admit it has made me a more negative person than I was. This I will definitely accept. But I can't envision our entire time together as a total waste. There is more to the story. She has been using Facebook A LOT and has found it to be very intriguing for her...reconnecting with friends, etc. The problem is that she has reconnected with someone from her past and they started talking. Then I found out on a trip she had taken that they had actually met eachother and spent time together. I found some chat logs between them and let me tell you, some of the things I read there no person should have to read coming from their significant other being said to another person. I was and still am crushed and devastated. Anyway, to not drag this out forever, I am now sleeping in the upstairs bedroom and I feel like we are just growing farther apart. She keeps telling me that she is trying, but still angry and irritated with me, etc. But I don't feel she is trying at all. It feels like she is just biding her time to be able to leave on her terms. We have two children and I feel like she is just waiting until the end of the school year and leave. It also seems that her being nice to me is just a way to keep peace in the house until she decides to call it quits. She is not willing to spend any one-on-one time with me, not as anything special, but just for us to spend time not arguing or talking about the relationship....just being. We started counciling, but now she refuses to go back and I have been going by myself. I don't know what else to do. I am ready to change and be a better person, but I feel that she doesn't care anymore and it doesn't matter what I say. I have been open and honest with her and let her know that what she says I have been doing by neglecting her was never intentional. But nothing I say seems to make any difference. It actually typically ends up making her more angry. So now I have started to try and let go. I want to move forward so badly. I want to work on myself. I realize I can't change who I am, but I can change my behaviors and be a better person. I just wish she could and wanted to see that. It just seems that after 6 weeks, she still wouldn't be "trying to figure it out". Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am at the end of my rope and desperately need some outside-looking-in advice.
lkjh Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 She is cheating and re-writing history. You have to let her see this. Do not take all of the blame and stand up for yourself. Demand to know everything about her trip. If the OM is married contact his wife and do not hide this situation. Do not let her make up reason about your marriage problems. If her family ask just be honest. Let them know that she claims she doesnt love you but at the same time she has a FB boyfriend.
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 This person she's connected with? Is he married too? If so, might want to consider talking to his wife/girlfriend.. You and your wife need to get to marriage counselling and sort this out. Right now she's in a complete affair, selfish-fog and has NO clue how close she is to losing everything that she knows and feels comfortable with. Time for a wake up call, so don't let her bully you or call the shots. SHE is the one cheating, if she wants to leave, let her leave, but YOU get the kids and the house.
freedom2007 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I feel for you dude. I went through the same thing. Do not listen to her lies. She is trying to make you look/feel bad to hide the terrible things she is doing. If she can blame you, than all the immoral sh#t she is doing is not her fault. Understand??? Ugh. Speaking from experience, Rule #1 - If her lips are moving or her fingers are typing she is lying!(if you do not believe me now, you will in a year) Rule #2 - You can give up all your material things because they can be replaced but never, and I mean never, accept anything less than 50% custody of your children. If you do, than you deserve all the crap that will come with it. Rule #3 Refer to rules 1 or 2 Feel for ya, Stay strong, hit the gym, stay off the alcohol and if possible kick her cheating ass to the street. One last point, if she found you had contacted and talked to another woman the way she has talked to this other man, what do you think she would be doing right now..... Sorry dude but it is over. Circle the wagons because it is time to man up.
Gunny376 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 1. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her career to her affair relationship. She will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away. 2. The affair will most likely be a long-term affair. It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. He may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. He will hold on tenaciously. This is probably the first or only affair for your spouse. Your spouse is not interested in playing or fooling around but powerfully attaching to the other person. The other person is the savior! 3. Don’t believe that the affair was planned before hand because of a bad marriage. These affairs usually just happen. They usually happen with someone in close proximity: co-worker, neighbor, friend (frequently of friends with whom you socialize), etc. The other person is usually the aggressor, your spouse lacking the confidence to seek out the affair. The rationale that it happened because of a lousy marriage comes after the affair is in bloom. 4. The more you try to persuade, convince or pursue, the more strongly he will attach to the other person. He will perceive your efforts as weakness and will want to attach more intently to the other person whom he (at perhaps an unconscious level) deems to be the powerful and loving answer-to-all. 5. Efforts to use moral or religious arguments to call a halt to the affair will be strongly resisted. Your spouse is not guided by rightness or wrongness. These standards have not been internalized and do not carry much weight, especially when it comes to the important chunks of her life. The actions and thoughts of your spouse primarily originate from her need to attach to another person. Any behavior or concept that serves the purpose of maintaining the attachment will be valued. Others are discarded. 6. Expect you will spend a significant amount of time and emotional energy in the next 2 to 4 years (especially if there are children) attempting to resolve the relationship. By resolve, I mean, coming to a point where each of you are fairly free of the emotional entanglement that holds you together and generates the pain and fear. It will be important for you to resolve the relationship whether you continue to be married or separate and divorce. Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It Dr. Robert Huizenga This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting: Quote: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him/her around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes I wouldn't implement this until AFTER she refuses compliance. Instead, I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her. 180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family. Right now, you don't have to worry about going to NC (no contact). You're nowhere near needing that yet. At the present point in time, she's caught up in the fog of the affair, your job ~ mission is to get a clear pretty picture in her mind that she has more to lose than gain from the affair (be it physical or emotional ~ and it sounds as though it may have elevated to a physical one) The way to do that is to be "the firstist with the mostests' {to quote Lt Gen Nathainal Bedford Forrest) From hard won experience? I would contact a lawyer, draw up divorce papers (not seperation) and have her served. In doing so, I would schedule an appointment with every divorce attorney withing one hundred miles for an initial consultation (once done, they're ethically bound by the state bar association to not discuss your case with her!) I would shoot for the moon, wanting everything, child support, alimony, the house, sole custody of the children, payment for any "store bought boobs!" you name it! Its much like training a mule? The first thing you got to do is get their attention?! Guy went to the best mule trainer there was. Asked him his secret to success in training stubborn, hard headed mules? Guy took him around back to a mule he was training, and all of a sudden picked up a 2X4 and cracked it over the mules head?! "First of all you've got their attention!" Same as my Marine DI"s did to me in boot camp! By the time they got done with me, and I had went to the "Motivatrion Ditch" ~ I had a real clear pretty pictuure in my head! I'm here to tell you! By the time they got done with me that day I was ONE HIGHLY MOTIVATED, HIGHLY DEDICATED UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS RECURIT!
sumdude Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Some thoughts to keep in your head when dealing with her or thinking about her whether or not they make sense at this moment in time. "I don't NEED you." "I''m not even sure I want you anymore" " Show ME why I should put up with this and keep working on this relationship." "Do you have any idea how many women there are out there looking for a man like me?" As far as changing to be a better person? Do that for yourself. Some people who are leaving relationships will put on the helmet and put a blowtorch to them. Burning the bridges so there's no going back. You may still have a slight chance but your best bet is to make yourself the priority. It's been just over two years for me.. these truths have become self evident over time.
seibert253 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It Dr. Robert Huizenga This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting: Quote: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him/her around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes I wouldn't implement this until AFTER she refuses compliance. Instead, I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her. 180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family. Right now, you don't have to worry about going to NC (no contact). You're nowhere near needing that yet. At the present point in time, she's caught up in the fog of the affair, your job ~ mission is to get a clear pretty picture in her mind that she has more to lose than gain from the affair (be it physical or emotional ~ and it sounds as though it may have elevated to a physical one) The way to do that is to be "the firstist with the mostests' {to quote Lt Gen Nathainal Bedford Forrest) From hard won experience? I would contact a lawyer, draw up divorce papers (not seperation) and have her served. In doing so, I would schedule an appointment with every divorce attorney withing one hundred miles for an initial consultation (once done, they're ethically bound by the state bar association to not discuss your case with her!) I would shoot for the moon, wanting everything, child support, alimony, the house, sole custody of the children, payment for any "store bought boobs!" you name it! Its much like training a mule? The first thing you got to do is get their attention?! Guy went to the best mule trainer there was. Asked him his secret to success in training stubborn, hard headed mules? Guy took him around back to a mule he was training, and all of a sudden picked up a 2X4 and cracked it over the mules head?! "First of all you've got their attention!" Same as my Marine DI"s did to me in boot camp! By the time they got done with me, and I had went to the "Motivatrion Ditch" ~ I had a real clear pretty pictuure in my head! I'm here to tell you! By the time they got done with me that day I was ONE HIGHLY MOTIVATED, HIGHLY DEDICATED UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS RECURIT! Gunny hits a bullseye once again. This works! My buddy did it when his wife needed her "space", and loved him but wasn't in love with him. He later found she was seeing someone she worked wit. After 4 weeks of this, she came crawling back. 3 years later they are better than ever.
DaschundLover Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I totally understand what you're going through. I'm going through something similar now, except I'm the woman and in your shoes. My husband's behavior has been increasingly distant over the last year, and on top of picking up all other sorts of bad habits I found he had been chatting online to women from his past and mutual acquaintances on facebook. Saying all kinds of things that were just inappropriate, and some of it was out and out lies. I confronted him over it several times, and then he tried to convince me that the things I witnessed first hand weren't really happening, and I had no right to be mad. The times he would admit it, he would blame it on the amount of time I spent at work, not paying attention to him, etc... I made the decision to have him leave. He was totally "shocked" that I did this, despite the fact that we have had honest conversations about his problems multiple times. And that's what it took for him to realize that he really screwed things up, and that I wouldn't accept it any longer. I think your situation is different because you have children; but it still seems like you need to stand up for yourself. Just have confidence that you are worth something, and you are worth more of her time and effort than she is currently willing to give you. Maybe you could just make it clear that you are there for your children and you want to move forward, but you're not going to play into her narcissistic melodrama anymore. It seems like what she is looking for attention, and maybe if you make it clear that you will not give her negative attention she will eventually move forward. So far, my other way of working on this has also been to require my husband to get a job, because I know from our relationship that when he has something positive to focus on outside of our home he doesn't just sit and obsess about what's wrong with our relationship. I don't know if any of that's helpful. I'm kind of in the same boat as you but so far I feel glad that for once in my life I went with my gut and took charge of the situation.
Author Lost&Confused36 Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 Thank you all for the input. Things have definitely not gotten better. She is in constant contact with this other guy. They are talking like 5-10 times a day for 10-30 minutes at a time...text messaging, etc. I have confronted her on this more than once. She tells me now they are just friends which of course is BS in my mind. I told her that contact had to stop and it was the biggest thing for me. She said the biggest thing for her was the years of neglect and what I had done. I told her she was just using her anger to justify what she is doing. I can take the ridicule, the being talked down to, etc...but the dishonest and deception is unacceptable. She went out of town this weekend with our daughter. I told her when she left that we needed to have some realistic conversations about how we are going to separate. The problem, I think separation means to her an open door to pursue another life and other people with no guilt. Not like she isn't doing that anyway. I want to move out and get legal council. But I'm afraid if I move out then I will lose ground from a legal standpoint. I just can't be tortured like this anymore. The total indifference to my existence is absolute bullsh**. She has taken away my life and identity. I want it back and I want to start to heal and move on. She keeps telling me she is trying and I say your version of trying is a joke. She has all her weekends planned to be out of town, etc. It's just a complete shame after 12 years of marriage that it can be all throw away without even truly trying to work on. It makes me sick...my heart is shattered...
Author Lost&Confused36 Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I feel for you dude. I went through the same thing. Do not listen to her lies. She is trying to make you look/feel bad to hide the terrible things she is doing. If she can blame you, than all the immoral sh#t she is doing is not her fault. Understand??? I hear you. This is exactly how I feel and I have told her that I have absolutely no trust in her. Her response is of course she doesn't trust me either... she is using her anger to justify her actions...totally unacceptable in my opinion. Ugh. Speaking from experience, Rule #1 - If her lips are moving or her fingers are typing she is lying!(if you do not believe me now, you will in a year) Rule #2 - You can give up all your material things because they can be replaced but never, and I mean never, accept anything less than 50% custody of your children. If you do, than you deserve all the crap that will come with it. Rule #3 Refer to rules 1 or 2 Feel for ya, Stay strong, hit the gym, stay off the alcohol and if possible kick her cheating ass to the street. I have started back at the gym and do feel better about that. I also am sleeping better at night. This should at least tell me something. It's just that most days are bad. I know I am in control of my feelings, actions, etc and that she is not in control of me. But i still fall down and let that happen...I need to get passed this. One last point, if she found you had contacted and talked to another woman the way she has talked to this other man, what do you think she would be doing right now..... I have asked her is this guy's wife knows what is going on or what was said or what happened. She said absolutely not and that it would tear them apart. I said "no sh**" what do you think it is doing to us...
Author Lost&Confused36 Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 This person she's connected with? Is he married too? If so, might want to consider talking to his wife/girlfriend.. This has crossed my mind. I asked her is this guy's wife knew what was going on, what was said, etc. She said definitely not and that it would tear them apart...duh! HELLO?!?!? You and your wife need to get to marriage counselling and sort this out. Right now she's in a complete affair, selfish-fog and has NO clue how close she is to losing everything that she knows and feels comfortable with. Time for a wake up call, so don't let her bully you or call the shots. SHE is the one cheating, if she wants to leave, let her leave, but YOU get the kids and the house. I set up counselling. We went together the first time and then I went alone and she went alone. She did not want to go back because I know the counselor told her that contact with the 3rd party needed to cease completely if we were going to be able to work on this. She is not willing for that to happen. Now she won't go back at all. I think it is because she is being dishonest with me and she feels it would be too much work to be put in a situation with the counselor and me and have to keep up the lies and deception. I have tried to confront her with many things. She just turns them against me and adds it to the pile of anger and hatred she has. I want to move out and get away, but I am afraid I may lose ground from a legal standpoint by doing that...any advice there?
SRV Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Please read and re-read what Gunny has posted and embrace it. Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to love or fall back in love. You have to start approaching it from the point of view that she is gone and you have to start looking out for your child and your best interest. The more you bargain or try to persuade her, the stronger she gets drawn to the OP. MC as your counselor stated is a waste of time and money at this point when she is still in the fog. I would disclose this affair to OP spouse and proceed from there. She is projecting and justifying her cheating on your past history with her. You have to act and be resolute in whatever direction you will take in regards to this. She also has to feel some consequences to her actions that has brought you to this point. Take care of your child and yourself at this point, time to draw some boundaries and stick to them.
seibert253 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 You've asked her to not have any contact with OM and she refuses? That's it man, she needs to go. Play time is over, it's now time for ACTION. Tell her to pack her things and get out, NOW!. Be a man. What kind of example is she setting for your kids. If she doesn't want to pack, pack for her. Have you disclosed her affair to her family? Time to drop the bomb, tell them what's going on, and you need their assistance in getting her out of YOUR house. If OM is married, time to find out who his wife is and let her know what's going on. After she's out, withdrawl all monies from your financial accounts, close them, and change the locks on your house doors. She's caused you pain, it's time for her to feel some. See an attorney, draw up divorce papers, and have her served. This will let her know you mean business. If this doesn't shock her out of the affair fog, then she's too far gone. Time to move on and find another who will treat you with love and respect.
Author Lost&Confused36 Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I hear everything that you all are saying. I wish I could have had this sink in sooner. I have known all along that there wasn't much hope, but to know versus actually processing it and understand it are two different things for me. The first priority needs to be my children. They are still in school and I cannot disrupt that for them. I need to really think about how I make this happen. She is a stay at home mom....she has been the one to take care of the day to day with the kids. Now I need to get that straight in my head and keep it consistent for them. My daughter is only in 1/2 day school three days a week so it is more difficult than at first glance. This has to happen though...I am done with the games, the lies, the absolute bullsh** of the situation. I want my life back...my self confidence has been in the toilet and I feel worthless. Nobody is worth feeling this much pain over. It's amazing how helpful this has been for me...posting here and getting replies from everyone. Thank you all.
mark982 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 the biggest thing you can do imho is expose,expose,expose. her family,yours,friends,his wife(so what if it trashes their friendship),preacher,etc. is there evidence on the computer? print it out,and save it.make her life hard,and embarese her.
Gunny376 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Alright then Sports Fans we're down to fourth and goal in the fourth quarter with four minutes on the clock and the home team is down by four points! Get yourself a junk-yard- dog mean divorce attorney. With a "proven" track record, preferably a woman-one. Have her draw up divorce papers asking for everything worth stealing. To include her future hopes, dreams, aspirations, any future rental income on any "store bought boobs" Shoot for the moon, you can always settle for lower orbit latter. Expose the affair, tell the OM's wife, his children, his pastor, his family, her family, her friends, the neighborhood, (I'd staple flyer's to telephone poles) take out an ad in the newspaper, myspace, myface, yourspace, craig's list ~ Hell I'd pay good money to have it plastered all over bill boards! Seek full custody of the children! Single moms deal with child care every single day ~ so can you! If you have to? Throw them in the shower and bar the bathroom door with your body to keep her from getting them. Women are awarded custody 90% primarly because men don't contest, but in the 10 % of the time they do? They're awarded custody 90% of the time! I had a buddy in the freaking United States Marine Corps who was a Gunnery Sergeant with sixteen years in whose wife left him with six little ones! He dealt with it ~ so can you! Let Miss SAHM whose had it so "cush" for all these years get a $7 an hour job working 3rd shift at a 7-11, driving a wrecked POS used Yugo living alone in a crappy one-bed room apartment, eating Oodles of Noodles and Bennie-Weenies deal with her choices! Even if the freaking OM left his wife (very doubtful) they would only have less than a 1% chance of succeeding as a couple. Time to put the "big-boy" britches on and "man-up!"
Gunny376 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Alright then Sports Fans we're down to fourth and goal in the fourth quarter with four minutes on the clock and the home team is down by four points! Get yourself a junk-yard- dog mean divorce attorney. With a "proven" track record, preferably a woman-one. Have her draw up divorce papers asking for everything worth stealing. To include her future hopes, dreams, aspirations, any future rental income on any "store bought boobs" Shoot for the moon, you can always settle for lower orbit latter. Expose the affair, tell the OM's wife, his children, his pastor, his family, her family, her friends, the neighborhood, (I'd staple flyer's to telephone poles) take out an ad in the newspaper, myspace, myface, yourspace, craig's list ~ Hell I'd pay good money to have it plastered all over bill boards! Seek full custody of the children! Single moms deal with child care every single day ~ so can you! If you have to? Throw them in the shower and bar the bathroom door with your body to keep her from getting them. Women are awarded custody 90% primarly because men don't contest, but in the 10 % of the time they do? They're awarded custody 90% of the time! I had a buddy in the freaking United States Marine Corps who was a Gunnery Sergeant with sixteen years in whose wife left him with six little ones! He dealt with it ~ so can you! Let Miss SAHM whose had it so "cush" for all these years get a $7 an hour job working 3rd shift at a 7-11, driving a wrecked POS used Yugo living alone in a crappy one-bed room apartment, eating Oodles of Noodles and Bennie-Weenies deal with her choices! Even if the freaking OM left his wife (very doubtful) they would only have less than a 1% chance of succeeding as a couple. Time to put the "big-boy" britches on and "man-up!" Mind you? I'm writing this from hard life EXPERINCE! I PITY the next woman that marries and divorces ME! :mad: They're won't be anything amicable about it! Nothing BUT scorched Earth! And before I'm done I wll cast rock salt abundantely on the ground ~ so NOTHING will EVER GROW THERE AGAIN!
Author Lost&Confused36 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 I am moving forward with getting legal representation. Now i just have to play nice until I get my ducks in a row. I hate this is what it has come to. But, time to take back my life and get what I want out of this.
seibert253 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I am moving forward with getting legal representation. Now i just have to play nice until I get my ducks in a row. I hate this is what it has come to. But, time to take back my life and get what I want out of this. That's the spirit. Good Job so far. Stay strong and remember we are here rooting and praying for you. Keep us updated on what happens.
Montclair0011 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Lost & Confused - I feel so bad for you. I went through the same thing a few years ago and it's been hell. Once they get it in their head that this other person is sooooo wonderful they just see you as all negative. Very black & white thinking. My husband also tried to hide the affair and just tried to portray it as a dead marriage that was all my fault. They get insane and cruel and abusive and blame it all on you. Once, my husband threw a fit calling me an unreliable because I had gone to a neighbors house to visit while waiting for him to return from a weekend's visit to his OW. He was wearing the shirt that this woman gave him for a gift and he was insisting that I was horrible because I had not been home waiting for him when he arrived. He slept on the couch and the next morning he tried to calmly explain how I was in the wrong. I finally said back to him, "you are standing there wearing the shirt that another woman gave you and you are telling me that I am wrong because I was across the street when you pulled in the driveway and I had already called on the cell and told you where I was" Suddenly he got a deer in the headlight look and ran out of the room. This is how crazy they get. I'm glad to hear that you are in counseling. That should help. It's been a tremendous help for me. It will also help guide you on how to do what's best for the kids. I had also dragged my husband to 2 MCs and both said it was a waste of time. The second one asked him to stop contact with his "friend" and when he refused she said our marriage was over. It took me a long time to face that reality. He did not move out for about six months and it was constant fighting and uglyness, often started by him over trival matters. I think he wanted to make sure I was worth leaving. You need to see a divorce lawyer and find out about the divorce laws where you live. Even if you don't want to file, you should at least get the facts. They can vary a lot and make a big difference on outcomes. You also need advice on what kind of evidence you will need. Just seeing the lawyer will give you knowledge of options. I don't agree about seeing every divorce lawyer in town. That's not doable and not necessary (and contradictory to the other sound advice about taking care of yourself and not worrying about them). Just get yourself educated and if you decide to file for divorce, make sure you get someone good. You will also find out if you can move out of the house without loosing it. Given that you have young children and a stay-at-home wife you might need to be the one to leave for the sake of the kids. It's important that you get away from this toxic situation so you can have time to heal. You sound like a great guy and in every situation like this I've seen (and I've seen a few) the guys who were cheated on and dumped ended up MUCH happier than the wives who left for a supposedly perfect person. My husband is still with his OW, BTW, but he does not look so happy and deep down I think he knows he made a mistake.
suzanne2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I thank God every day that I do not have children. This whole ordeal would be 100 times harder if I had kids. I feel for you. You have to get angry...that will carry you through the fough times in the beginning when you still miss them. I would talk to an attorney before you leave to amke sure that that is the best way to proceed. Stay strong. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
imagine Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 She is in an EA. Advertise it. Contact other guy and notify that you are trying to get your marriage back. Notify his friends and contacts. Do not tell them, do it. Get to marriagebuilders.com - read all the articles there to improve your understanding of whats going on. Read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. You can still fix this.
SRV Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 She is in an EA. Advertise it. Contact other guy and notify that you are trying to get your marriage back. Notify his friends and contacts. Do not tell them, do it. He needs to find out whether he has a spouse and contact her not him. If he contacts him, he will do damage control if he has a spouse and if he doesn't he could care less that he ruining a marriage. Get to marriagebuilders.com - read all the articles there to improve your understanding of whats going on. Read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. You can still fix this. This can only work if she wants to end it. If she doesn't, there is pretty much nothing he can do but get his ducks in a row and start detaching and moving on. Reading through the forum, this is an uphill battle, which requires both partners to willingly participate if there is any chance at reconciliation. GL
Slug Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Read Self Matters Phillip C. McGraw, PH.D. It help me understand what changed from when we were young. If anything you'll need to respect her but tell her how you feel about everything. Tell her what you really want out of this but read self matters first.
imagine Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 This can only work if she wants to end it. If she doesn't, there is pretty much nothing he can do but get his ducks in a row and start detaching and moving on. Reading through the forum, this is an uphill battle, which requires both partners to willingly participate if there is any chance at reconciliation. GL No. First kill the connection. Then work on the marriage. Competition with a competitor does not always work. Check the site out and read "Why women leave men" Usually, it is just ONE person that wants to save a marriage. This man's wife has already checked out, trust me.
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