Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I have been sleeping with a married man for too long. He keeps telling me he will leave his wife, he is in love with me, but just needs more time, but cannot give me a timeline...always gives an excuse, his family, his parents, his job, etc...I have finally gotten the courage to tell him I want out...if he really wanted to be with me, then he would and he is not and I am losing years of my life...but he wants to continue...I need you guys to give me the encouragement and all the reasons why I should let him go...just bring it on...I can take it, I just need a swift kick in the butt, so I can really walk away from this man that I am in love with...I just need to walk away, I just need some real constructive encouragement...thanks!

Posted

KICK! You don't need anyone to tell you what you are doing is wrong and has always been wrong. Constructive, what's constructive about what you are doing with him and to his wife? Constructive, what has been constructive about lying and deceiving another woman? Constructive, what part of your life has improved and shown mature growth since you have been with him?

  • Author
Posted

PS...he was not married when we got together, he was separated...we had a child together during his separation...he decided to work out his marriage...and did for some time, but came back to me...and he continues with me...there is a child involved...it makes it very difficult not to think what could be and makes it very hard to just break ties since I know we will have to communicate forever...we share custody...

 

I am an adult...I know what I am doing is wrong...I am trying to do this...I am trying to get out...so I would appreciate any encouragement, advice, or help you can give..

Posted
PS...he was not married when we got together, he was separated...we had a child together during his separation...he decided to work out his marriage...and did for some time, but came back to me...and he continues with me...there is a child involved...it makes it very difficult not to think what could be and makes it very hard to just break ties since I know we will have to communicate forever...we share custody...

 

I am an adult...I know what I am doing is wrong...I am trying to do this...I am trying to get out...so I would appreciate any encouragement, advice, or help you can give..

 

 

Well was he married or was he separated? Separated doesn't mean he isn't married, it means he isn't with his wife. Was he living alone or was he just saying he was separated? Having a child shouldn't be an issue. Get a child support order. Have the money removed from his check. Set up visitation with a third party if he wants it. Only deal with him about your child.

  • Author
Posted

He was not married at the beginning our of relationship...in our state it takes a year before you can divorce...he was NOT living with his wife, he was in a separate residence...but he chose to go back to her and did for some time, then I let him back in, he came to me, I know I am at fault, but I am trying to walk away and wanted people to encourage me to continue my efforts to walk...the child is an issue, it makes it VERY difficult to walk...especially with his talk of maybe one day...

  • Author
Posted

Yes, he was still technically married in our state...but he was not living with nor with his wife...I did not intentionally sleep with this man knowing he was married...he did not tell me he was separated until after I was pregnant...

Posted
Yes, he was still technically married in our state...but he was not living with nor with his wife...I did not intentionally sleep with this man knowing he was married...he did not tell me he was separated until after I was pregnant...

 

 

Fair enough, but you continued the A after you found out. Does he and his wife have children?

Posted

So his wife knows he sees you because of the child but supposedly suspects nothing?? That seems strange.

 

Only you can break this. A million people will log on here and say it but you are the one that needs to do it. You HAVE indeed wasted years and even now if he leaves his wife and family for you, you will ALWAYS wonder if he is still seeing her or someone else on the side as well. Men like this are never content. He is playing both of you like a yo-yo and both of you are letting him. Why should he change, why should he chose?

 

I understand the need to want to be with him but he was unfaithful and tricked you into sleeping with him by NOT telling you he was married - whether or not he was separated does not matter. He was legally married and decided to omit that when you were dating. THIS is the kind of guy you want to spend your life with? Would you ever trust him? NO!!

 

Move on and get out into the healthy dating scene. Find someone who loves and respects you and your child. Find a life you can be happy, content and fulfilled in because it is obvious this one isn't it.

  • Author
Posted

No, his wife is unable to conceive...I am not claiming innocence...I guess I was just asking for help to get the gumption...

  • Author
Posted

travelgirl...this is JUST want I am asking to hear...thank you!

Posted
No, his wife is unable to conceive...I am not claiming innocence...I guess I was just asking for help to get the gumption...

 

 

All you need to do is look into your child's face and decide if you want them to live the life you are living now. If the answer is no, then you need to model the correct behavior by leaving.

 

And travelgirl, he can't trick a woman into taking care of her own birth control responsibilities. Using a condom is safe sex, not just from pregnancy. And unless she knew more about him, unprotected sex shouldn't have been a part of the equation. He was at least sleeping with his wife, and let's assume she was faithful or he was sleeping with her and whoever else she may have slept with.

  • Author
Posted

Bentbutnotbroken...I appreciate your advice...but I am trying to focus on the present and my future and not keep reliving my old decisions...there is nothing I can do to change the past...but I am trying to get some help in changing my future...I just wanted some support from this forum...people who may have been there...

Posted

I agree with travelgirl, but have a few questions?

 

I have a suspicion but will put it to you OP: did he leave shortly after the child was conceived or born? How old is the child? Do you use the child to get him to come around (Hey MM, child is missing you when are you going to come see him/her)?

 

If you and his W allow him this yo-yo pattern, one of you has to break it for him to go away. Don't stay in this situation because of a child. But do make sure that your child is taken care of by getting child support (if not already officially).

  • Author
Posted

He left before the child was born...I was seven months pregnant...did not return in my life until she was three...I was alone for two years, but he has always seen his daughter since birth...I know what you think...he used me to get the kid they could never have...I think this too...but since my child was born...our relationship, once it started again has never been around the child, she has no idea we are together, she is five, in her eyes, everything is still separate...I have never used the child to get him back...the child is NEVER with us when we are together...he just gets away to be with just me when he can, so to say...we share custody, so he sees his daughter on a regular basis, all the time...It is just hard for me because he feeds me that maybe one day, just not now...and I have a child with him, so a part of me thinks I should try to make it work...I needed to vent it on here so people as well as myself help me get some sense!!

Posted
And travelgirl, he can't trick a woman into taking care of her own birth control responsibilities. Using a condom is safe sex, not just from pregnancy. And unless she knew more about him, unprotected sex shouldn't have been a part of the equation. He was at least sleeping with his wife, and let's assume she was faithful or he was sleeping with her and whoever else she may have slept with.

 

But it is one thing to date someone and sleep together thinking this is going somewhere - then find out after you get pregnant "Woops, did I forget to tell you I was married?"

 

OP - If his wife is unable to conceive it has probably put an ENORMOUS strain on their marriage. I know because I was in the same boat for awhile. She has to be a heck of a women to take him back after what he did to her, bearing a child with another while she struggles. And even though he is slime, he chose her with no kids over you with his child. He is in love with her, you are a side item - that is all.

 

Also, your daughter is 5 and all her life she has known Daddy lives separate. If you start this cycle again and get back with him, you are setting her up for some serious emotional damage in the long run. He might be a good Dad but he is NOT good husband material and would make you miserable and then your daughter would see him thru your eyes, not her own.

 

This is many many wasted years. I understand the emotional attachment but do you really want a man who bags and pregnants you since his wife can't have kids only to go back to her?? How do you know he doesn't want another now? Steer clear - keep the friendship for your daughter's sake but get a backbone and get yourself the life you deserve.

Posted

Well the no-contact route is clearly not an issue. Some people might say that you can arraneg visitation via a third party and have no contact with him, just allow her to visit with her father, but come on now...a child grows up much healthier when they think their parents have a friendly relationship, even if they aren't together. My parents divorced when i was like...10 or 11, i forget exactly, but my mother has ALWAYS kept my father involved with me and my sisters, and always kept a friendly relationship with him in front of us, which has been very beneficial, I would think. Now that I am an adult I feel I have a much healthier relationship with my father because my mother was so good about keeping things amicable between them. And trust me, Im sure there were times she didnt want to. There was infidelity and plenty of other fighting involved at one point.

 

I think, obviously, the only thing you can do , if he does not appear to want to leave his wife, is to keep it friendly, but cease the alone-time between you and him. No more private meetings. I don't think its a bad thing for you and him to do things together WITH your child (eg- if you both take her to the zoo together, or something, im sure she woud like that), BUT, as far as a romantic rendevous, those have to be stopped.

 

I know its ideal to think you and your child's father could be together, but the sad fact is that he has nothing really binding him to his wife (I mean, they dont have kids together or anything) and he still remains with her. It could partially be out of guilt maybe, but whatevver his reasons, he's stringing you along with the idea that he might leave her, and I assume this is most likely because he doesn't want YOU to be dating anyone else and this is his way of keeping you still "his" without actually giving you commitment.

 

Its simple and yet not simple, but at this point, all you can do is refrain from any more private meetings between you and him. Tell him you love him and care for him, but that you deserve to be happy with someone who will be yours, and yours alone, and that you intend to keep an amicable relationship for the benefit of your daughter, but that you will no longer play second fiddle to his wife, because you deserve better than that. Be firm. Either he will realize what he is missing and get a divorce, or you'll eventually find someone else. And you WILL find someone else. Many people get afraid that no one will want a woman who comes with the baggage of another man's child, but plenty of good men out there have no problems dating women with children.

 

Oh , and if he feeds you one of those "seperated" lines again, tell him you will not resume any kind of relationship until you see divorce papers, signed and done with. End of story.

 

I hope it works out well for you. It will, but you have to think that you have priorities now. Your daughter is a priority, but let me tell you....children know when their parents are unhappy. And it affects them. You need to make your own sanity and happiness an important priority, because if you are inwardly miserable and longing, your kid will feel it, sooner or later.

 

Good luck girl.

Posted
Bentbutnotbroken...I appreciate your advice...but I am trying to focus on the present and my future and not keep reliving my old decisions...there is nothing I can do to change the past...but I am trying to get some help in changing my future...I just wanted some support from this forum...people who may have been there...

 

 

By taking a look at your actions and seeing them for what they are, you will be able to see a future more clearly. You can't ignore the past, it will come back to bite you in the behind. Your present and your future are directly tied to your past, seeing you have a child. Look at that child and decide the future you want for her/him and then make a plan to get there. If you can't look at the past, there is no way that you won't find yourself there again.

 

You may not like my support, but is is valid none the less.

Posted
But it is one thing to date someone and sleep together thinking this is going somewhere - then find out after you get pregnant "Woops, did I forget to tell you I was married?

 

 

How does him being married or not affect using protection to prevent STD's much less pregnancy. I don't get your point. I know he is liar, but what was her responsibility in getting pregnant by a person she didn't know if he were married, separated or and an alien from another planet. Whether or not he was/is married doesn't help to solve the dilemma she is in now. I guess I expect people to use rational thought and judgement in life decisions. Having a child is one of those decisions.

 

No I am not naive enough to think people actually do(looking at the web, says otherwise)but as much as someone wishes things were different, looking at the past choices makes it easier to make better ones for a calmer more peaceful future.

Posted

You know what? THAT is not why she came here for...she wants ENCOURAGEMENT and TIPS to be able to LEAVE AND MOVE ON...

 

Facts:

 

1) She has a child-how it was conceive is really not that important right now

2) She realizes the wrong and wants out (this is a painful process-pondering on past choices, decisions, etc- as we know) so telling her "look at your past" is redundant and counter-productive. It reeks of placing BLAME...not needed at THIS point.

 

So either you are going to encourage her and give her tips on how to deal with the withdrawals, etc.etc...or well, you know what to do with yourself....i mean, really...

 

OP, sometimes, a person has to experience loss, in order to appreciate the value of that something or someone...LEAVE...the farther, the better. Get professional help. Draw up a plan of action. Celebrate every little situation or occasion you are able to be without him. It WILL get better.

Posted
You know what? THAT is not why she came here for...she wants ENCOURAGEMENT and TIPS to be able to LEAVE AND MOVE ON...

 

Facts:

 

1) She has a child-how it was conceive is really not that important right now

2) She realizes the wrong and wants out (this is a painful process-pondering on past choices, decisions, etc- as we know) so telling her "look at your past" is redundant and counter-productive. It reeks of placing BLAME...not needed at THIS point.

 

So either you are going to encourage her and give her tips on how to deal with the withdrawals, etc.etc...or well, you what to do with yourself....i mean, really...

know

OP, sometimes, a person has to experience loss, in order to appreciate the value of that something or someone...LEAVE...the farther, the better. Get professional help. Draw up a plan of action. Celebrate every little situation or occasion you are able to be without him. It WILL get better.

 

 

 

I did give her encouragement. I told her to look at her child's face. What mother doesn't look at their child and want the best and do whatever is necessary to get there. Just because you don't like my approach doesn't mean it isn't valid or useful. It isn't easy but is very possible to do. Lots of people on her have done it Gwen for one, Mistresswithchildren for another. So your approach might be different. Go for it. It don't make your approach better, just different. :confused:

 

 

Looking at her past gives her clues to her future. It helps her see things in 20/20 you know hindsight and all. A person who can't look at their past and see ways to make improvements is a person on the verge of death. And I resent your attempt to paint me as a villain because I ask questions to get someone to see what is in front of them. The answer is there within herself, her life experiences and her goals. I told her just like you did to get a plan. But what is she planning for? Without awareness she won't go anywhere fast.

 

Maybe it is something you should try. It works wonders in affirming decisions about the future. Most counselors will use this as one of the techniques to see if there are patterns of self sabotage. Or patterns that stem from issues of childhood or school. How do I know this? You don't know what I do for a living, do you?:confused:

  • Author
Posted

Thank you tami-chan...you really seemed to understand what I needed to hear. I appreciate it.

Posted

If the fact that it was wrong was enough to get you to leave him, you wouldnt have started in the first place. Lets take your words instead.

 

I have been sleeping with a married man for too long.

 

He keeps telling me he will leave his wife, he is in love with me, but just needs more time, but cannot give me a timeline...always gives an excuse, his family, his parents, his job, etc...

 

His words and his actions dont match you are feeling strung along. Demoralising. Bad for your self esteem.

 

...if he really wanted to be with me, then he would and he is not

 

See above. You are feeling unappreciated and unloved by this man.

 

and I am losing years of my life...

 

Yes losing years of your life on "the rollercoaster" (i was there it sucks)

 

but he wants to continue...

 

The last bit is the problem. He is being SELFISH. He cant give you a whole relationship but he doesnt want to give up what you bring to his life. He has had a child with your for effs sake. And he went back to his M. Enough is enough.

 

These excuses that he has obligations etc. Well you have obligations to yourself - to create a full life for yourself and not to just fill the holes in some other man's marriage. Because lets face it everyone wishes their marriage was "the whole package". And you have obligations to your child.

 

He has made a choice by going back to his wife and he needs to live with that. Why are you letting him off the hook by saying its ok you can be married I will take crumbs. You must be so hurt and furious inside...

 

 

If you stop the A, you will get back to being your old self. The one who doesnt have to lie to family and friends about what she is doing. The one who doesnt feel ashamed of her actions, the one who can look herself in the mirror and feel good about how she is conducting her life. You owe that to yourself and your child.

 

The deal breaker is if he were single, would you put up with this? I hope the answer is NO.

You owe it to yourself and your child to have a relationship that satisfies you not one that would if only...

 

Right now he has it all. His M and you. If you walk away, do NC (with the exception of the custody issues) then he will see what life is like without you to plug the holes in the marrriage. Again dont let him off the hook. He went back to her. He needs to see the consequences of his actions.

 

If he does ever leave and you are single then maybe something can happen. But he has NO motivation to make anything happen while you are willing to play second fiddle.

 

Im not saying do this as a manipulation do it for you. You may find that once you are out of it, there is a lot of anger and resentment towards him because you did spend years of your life waiting for him to make good on his promise to leave. You may find that a year from now you think hes got a lot of good qualities but I have met someone who is an even better match for me.

 

And most of all you wont be spending yet another year of your life pining for someone who is married to someone else.

 

So do it for you and your child. You are worth it.

 

Hang in there.

Posted

Hey JBJ, not so fast. 1st this guy is your daughter's father, and she should have a father in her life, even if it makes life miserable for him, that is his problem. 2nd he needs to pay child support and take care of his daughter, once again even if it is a major problem for him, to bad. He made his bed, now he gets to sleep in it. As to you staying with him, that is up to the two of you , only in that if he were to divorce his wife, which he seems unwilling to do, so live your life, and try to find a man that you can love and spend the rest of your life with, WHO IS SINGLE. But you will have to stay in contact with this guy cuz of the child THE TWO OF YOU brought into this world.

Posted

Tami-Chan is right...life is hard enough for OW. They live in a huge personal hell. I know this too much from personal experience. More OW would get out and seek help if they knew they had support rather than condemnation. I want to go into counseling, but I'm very afraid that I'll step into that condemnation, so I balk.

 

jnj...if you are looking for another supportive resource, go to gloryb.com. I've had to confront my own demons, and this site is very supportive to OW who want to get out. I have been following it for the past several days, and it's an eye-opener. And please, don't send your daughter out into the world dealing with this mess. I would almost be inclined to say that, in this instance, she may be better off if he's not around. He's a terrible example to her. She'll end up with someone just like him when she grows up. Is that what you want? Leave room for a real father for her. There's one out there who will love you AND your girl.

  • Author
Posted

I really appreciate everyone's responses on here. This is what I needed to continue to help me walk away from him...and for the record this is about ME walking away from him, not my daughter...he will always be a part of my daughter's life because I would not have that any other way. My daughter did not chose to be in this situation and I would never take her father away from her because he does not love me. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, even when he left to go back home, he has always had shared custody of her...as much as it hurts me, it is best for her...then when she gets older, she can never say I did not let her get to know her father, then she can make her own decisions as to if she wants him in her life. But it is not my place to decide for her...so with that being said...I appreciate the encouragement to help ME with walking away...there are some things that you guys have said that have really hit home with me...that is the EXACT reason I wanted to get some help. Now I know why I feel as low as I do and it is because how I allow him to treat me like a crumb left over. Keep them coming if anyone else wants to add...I thank you very much...

×
×
  • Create New...