How do you get over some one you've had feelings for for 15 years?

[Inflikted]

Crazy as it may sound, at the age of 20, I'm struggling with feelings I've had, in some capacity or another, for a girl, for 3/4 of my life. Some of you may familiar with my story, already; to sum it up, we haven't seen each other in a few years, and a year ago, I got back in touch with her via MySpace, and tried to take things from there. Things seemed to be going alright, but I kinda hit some road bumps along the way, and things haven't been the same since. Exactly seven days ago, I wrote her a message, a "last ditch effort", if you will, in which I just put everything out there, was honest, sincere, and straightforward, and ended it by basically asking her out.

 

A week later, and still no response. I suppose there's still a chance that she'll write back (it has taken her a while to respond to my messages in the past, every now and then), especially if she's really taken aback by that message I sent her. But as of right now, I'm guessing things aren't looking good, in terms of my chances with her. :/

 

So... I don't know where to go from here. It's rough, knowing that this is just... over. A small part of me feels a bit relieved. But when I really think about it, it just feels like a big part of me is missing. I can't stop thinking about how I'll never see her again, how in 5-10 years she'll probably get married and be starting a family (as crazy as that may be to think about), with some other guy, no less. For some reason, it hit me really hard last night, and I couldn't even really get a lot of sleep. x_x

 

I have a hard time letting go especially because, as you can probably guess, I haven't exactly had any past relationships (or even dates, for that matter). This girl, to me, was like, my last hope of finding some one. I'm so out of the social loop (no real friends besides "work" friends), and I'm too introverted to go out of my way to put myself in social situations or meet new people. Now I feel so hopeless, that I'm so set in my ways, that I'm never going to find some one. And I don't want that to be my life; I don't want to be that guy that never gets married, or has a family of his own. But I'm... stuck.

 

Sorry this topic got so long... Just needed to vent a bit, I guess.

[eric82]

Lets be real here. This isn't about her or your feelings for her, it's about your feelings of discontent and hopelessness about yourself from not feeling successful in dating. In other words, this has nothing to do with her, it's about you and your feelings about your own life.

 

Since you feel inadequate with girls, you're attributing all of your feelings (good and bad) to her. She symbolizes to you a sense of rescue from rejection and failure because by not outright rejecting you, it's enabled you to put all your feelings of what you want in a girl into your image of her.

 

She's not who you make her out to be in your mind. The girl you picture her to be is a fantasy, an embodiment of all that which you think you want in a girlfriend and wish you had. But stop it! She's not your dream woman. She's just a girl you've had a crush on for a long time and who you have been building up in your thoughts to be greater than who she really is.

 

You're 20 years old and haven't even had a girlfriend. You shouldn't be focused on one girl or worrying about settling down and finding love. You should be more focused on having experiences, enjoying yourself with girls, learning what to do and what not to do, what you like and don't like in a partner, and taking all these growing situations for what they are worth. You have plenty of time to find the right girl and settle. In the meantime, try to have fun and not take girl's perceptions or (lack of) acceptance of you so direly. Even if you never fall in love, never find a girl who truly loves you, never feel content with your love life, you can still have a worthwhile life full of great experiences.

 

I'll say it now because so many people forget the obvious, sometimes myself included: there's more to life than being in love with someone or feeling loved by them... like more importantly, learning to appreciate your own life with or without a significant other and to love yourself first and foremost.

 

This girl isn't your "last hope of finding someone," more like your first hope that you're mistaking as and trying to turn into your last hope. You're trying desperately to cling to her and win her over because you're lacking the confidence in yourself to expand your efforts outside of her. If attractive girls were swarming you, you wouldn't give a sh* t what this girl thought of you because your mind would be on them instead of her. You don't have a track life in dating, you don't need to be thinking about marriage, you need to be thinking about being a full person without a girlfriend and having relationships that may go nowhere but for the sake of the experience. When you get a girlfriend, focus on having fun and appreciating your time together instead of trying to turn it all into some kind of permanent commitment. She doesn't have to commit to you forever to be in love with you or more importantly for you to benefit from having felt loved by her. That's what it's ultimately about: the experiences, the journey... not the destination.

[Inflikted]

Lets be real here. This isn't about her or your feelings for her, it's about your feelings of discontent and hopelessness about yourself from not feeling successful in dating. In other words, this has nothing to do with her, it's about you and your feelings about your own life.

 

Since you feel inadequate with girls, you're attributing all of your feelings (good and bad) to her. She symbolizes to you a sense of rescue from rejection and failure because by not outright rejecting you, it's enabled you to put all your feelings of what you want in a girl into your image of her.

 

She's not who you make her out to be in your mind. The girl you picture her to be is a fantasy, an embodiment of all that which you think you want in a girlfriend and wish you had. But stop it! She's not your dream woman. She's just a girl you've had a crush on for a long time and who you have been building up in your thoughts to be greater than who she really is.

 

Well, I've been "accused" of this with this girl before by other people on forums, but to be honest, I don't have any real expectations of some "perfect girl". I'm not the kind of guy that has this fantasy of a perfect woman who cooks, and cleans, etc. etc. All I really care about in a girl is chemistry, how well we "click". Whenever I do try to visualize me and her, that's all I really think about; that her and I get along great together. Really, I don't think that's an unrealistic expectation; it's just something I'll never get to find out for sure because I can't seem to get her to meet me in person, and that's the only way I know of to judge the chemistry between two people. Can't exactly do that from behind online social profile sites, eh?

 

You're 20 years old and haven't even had a girlfriend. You shouldn't be focused on one girl or worrying about settling down and finding love. You should be more focused on having experiences, enjoying yourself with girls, learning what to do and what not to do, what you like and don't like in a partner, and taking all these growing situations for what they are worth.

 

Heh heh, I know, I know, but I'm not really your typical 20 year old guy; maybe I'm just a bit old fashioned. I like to think I've hit a certain maturity level that a lot of guys my age are still at least a few years away from; I'm not into the whole party scene, "getting wasted", or racking up a certain number of girls I've hit on, went out with, or slept with. Heck, I'd be fine with having one, great relationship my whole life, rather than a bunch of other ones that just don't add up. The problem, as I see it, is that I have trouble finding girls I'd really like to be with. I don't think I'm as shy or "unconfident" around girls as I typically peg myself as, but I have yet to meet a girl that I could really visualize myself with in a relationship. And don't get me wrong, I'm not so shallow that I only pay attention to a girl's looks, or anything like that; like I said, my main focus is "chemistry". If I can find that, I'd be set, but it seems a bit more rare than I had hoped it would be...

 

Now, that doesn't mean that, if/ when I find a relationship, I'm going to jump the gun and try to turn it into a "long term commitment" ASAP. It just means that, in the back of my mind, that's where I'd like things to go; of course, I'd still let things take their natural course.

 

Going back to that girl I was talking about, one of the other things that got me worked up a bit is, she had recently amended her MySpace page, basically saying that she wishes she could meet some one with a higher maturity level and some one she can see a future with, and I'm sitting here thinking "HELLO! Here I am willing to offer those things, and you won't even give me the time of day!". -_-;;

 

I'll say it now because so many people forget the obvious, sometimes myself included: there's more to life than being in love with someone or feeling loved by them... like more importantly, learning to appreciate your own life with or without a significant other and to love yourself first and foremost.

 

Yeah, I know, like I said, though, I just... I don't wanna end up alone, like that. I know that's a far ways off, still, but, well, let me put it this way. There's this sort of "family friend", and he really has no one. All of his family died, he could never get a girlfriend, never had kids. Just seems so sad, and I don't want to end up like that.

[eric82]

Well, I've been "accused" of this with this girl before by other people on forums, but to be honest, I don't have any real expectations of some "perfect girl". I'm not the kind of guy that has this fantasy of a perfect woman who cooks, and cleans, etc. etc. All I really care about in a girl is chemistry, how well we "click". Whenever I do try to visualize me and her, that's all I really think about; that her and I get along great together. Really, I don't think that's an unrealistic expectation; it's just something I'll never get to find out for sure because I can't seem to get her to meet me in person, and that's the only way I know of to judge the chemistry between two people. Can't exactly do that from behind online social profile sites, eh?

 

She's taking extended periods of time to respond to you and overall avoiding you. That should tell you that you don't "click" with her and the chemistry is all one-sided (coming from your side).

 

Heh heh, I know, I know, but I'm not really your typical 20 year old guy; maybe I'm just a bit old fashioned. I like to think I've hit a certain maturity level that a lot of guys my age are still at least a few years away from; I'm not into the whole party scene, "getting wasted", or racking up a certain number of girls I've hit on, went out with, or slept with. Heck, I'd be fine with having one, great relationship my whole life, rather than a bunch of other ones that just don't add up. The problem, as I see it, is that I have trouble finding girls I'd really like to be with. I don't think I'm as shy or "unconfident" around girls as I typically peg myself as, but I have yet to meet a girl that I could really visualize myself with in a relationship. And don't get me wrong, I'm not so shallow that I only pay attention to a girl's looks, or anything like that; like I said, my main focus is "chemistry". If I can find that, I'd be set, but it seems a bit more rare than I had hoped it would be...

 

No one said you have to join the party scene or sacrifice your morals. I said you have to have experiences under your belt (pun intended) to know yourself in the realm of sexual relationships.

 

I'll be blunt. It's immature to think that your first relationship will be your only or last. You've never been in one before, of course you're going to screw it up and/or grow out of it. That's the natural course of things. Live and learn. It's necessary humiliation. You have to learn how to walk before you can run, just as you have to learn how to deal with failure and how to better approach and maintain relationships before you can make them work. However, a relationship doesn't have to last forever to be a success and worthwhile. You have to make mistakes, experience heartbreak and loss, work through the pain and regret, in order to become a more well-rounded individual and thus a mature partner.

 

What I'm trying to say is, slow down. Instead of worrying about where you'll be years from now, focus on having and learning from experiences in the present. Don't worry about dating, simply hang out with girls. Learn how to interact with them in ways that creates attraction. Learn what's really desirable, because what people say and think they want and what they really want are different things.

 

Sorry if this offends you, but the way you're talking about this girl tells me you have no clue what girls in general want in a boyfriend. That's why I'm saying you need to interact with girls more, especially the attractive ones that intimidate you, before you should even think about becoming any girl's boyfriend. If you don't know how to get a girl, what makes you think you'll know how to keep her?

 

The purpose of interacting with females more often isn't to rack up numbers, it's to become more comfortable in your own skin and better at reading them, better at leading your interactions and staying confident regardless of how they act towards you. Bring yourself to the point where you can walk up to any attractive girl, look her in the eyes, and bust her chops. When she acts offended, stay your ground, turn your teasing up a notch, and smile. Learn how to see through her front, but also when to walk away. Recognize characteristics that reveal she might be an emotional wreck, a parasite, or a manipulator.

 

See it's not about using people, it's about learning how to better communicate to get what you want (whether it be a girlfriend or whatever). The funniest comedians know how to work a room because they have had lots of practice and experience. The bands you listen to didn't just one day pick up their instruments and play the amazing songs you love, they learned how to play their instruments before even writing their first song. What you need isn't a girl to grow old with, you need to practice at getting better with girls so when you meet the right one, you won't screw yourself over as fast.

 

 

Now, that doesn't mean that, if/ when I find a relationship, I'm going to jump the gun and try to turn it into a "long term commitment" ASAP. It just means that, in the back of my mind, that's where I'd like things to go; of course, I'd still let things take their natural course.

 

You have your eyes on an imagined finish line when you've never even set your foot on the track, much less come to realize that its not a race. My point is, the natural course of a first relationship is to end because it's your first relationship.

 

 

Going back to that girl I was talking about, one of the other things that got me worked up a bit is, she had recently amended her MySpace page, basically saying that she wishes she could meet some one with a higher maturity level and some one she can see a future with, and I'm sitting here thinking "HELLO! Here I am willing to offer those things, and you won't even give me the time of day!". -_-;;

 

She's not interested in you. If you want to be mature about this, leave her alone and work on yourself.

 

 

Yeah, I know, like I said, though, I just... I don't wanna end up alone, like that. I know that's a far ways off, still, but, well, let me put it this way. There's this sort of "family friend", and he really has no one. All of his family died, he could never get a girlfriend, never had kids. Just seems so sad, and I don't want to end up like that.

 

Ok, that's a legitimate fear that I think everyone has deep down, but you have to learn how to overcome or make it work for you before even trying to get a partner because a relationship won't guard you from this fear of being alone, it will probably just amplify and cause it to come true. If you lean on a woman out of fear of being by yourself, she will definitely leave you sooner or later.

[eric82]

Oh and when I say you need to practice more with girls, I mean with other girls, not this girl you started this thread about. Leave her alone. She's not into you.

[Inflikted]

Oh and when I say you need to practice more with girls, I mean with other girls, not this girl you started this thread about. Leave her alone. She's not into you.

 

Heh, I know that, I took my last shot, and after that, I told myself I'd work on letting go if I didn't get the result I was hoping for. So, now I'm at that point where I'm willing to try to move on, I just don't know where I go from here. 15 years is a long time, especially considering it makes up nearly all of my life; only reason I'm discussing her in the first place is because it's not so easy to just move on from something like that.

 

She's taking extended periods of time to respond to you and overall avoiding you. That should tell you that you don't "click" with her and the chemistry is all one-sided (coming from your side).

 

Well, I don't know about that. I just think I'm bad at playing the "online" game. I just don't believe you can properly judge chemistry like that when 100% of the interaction has been online.

 

No one said you have to join the party scene or sacrifice your morals. I said you have to have experiences under your belt (pun intended) to know yourself in the realm of sexual relationships.

 

I'll be blunt. It's immature to think that your first relationship will be your only or last. You've never been in one before, of course you're going to screw it up and/or grow out of it. That's the natural course of things. Live and learn. It's necessary humiliation. You have to learn how to walk before you can run, just as you have to learn how to deal with failure and how to better approach and maintain relationships before you can make them work. However, a relationship doesn't have to last forever to be a success and worthwhile. You have to make mistakes, experience heartbreak and loss, work through the pain and regret, in order to become a more well-rounded individual and thus a mature partner.

 

What I'm trying to say is, slow down. Instead of worrying about where you'll be years from now, focus on having and learning from experiences in the present. Don't worry about dating, simply hang out with girls. Learn how to interact with them in ways that creates attraction. Learn what's really desirable, because what people say and think they want and what they really want are different things.

 

Sorry if this offends you, but the way you're talking about this girl tells me you have no clue what girls in general want in a boyfriend. That's why I'm saying you need to interact with girls more, especially the attractive ones that intimidate you, before you should even think about becoming any girl's boyfriend. If you don't know how to get a girl, what makes you think you'll know how to keep her?

 

The purpose of interacting with females more often isn't to rack up numbers, it's to become more comfortable in your own skin and better at reading them, better at leading your interactions and staying confident regardless of how they act towards you. Bring yourself to the point where you can walk up to any attractive girl, look her in the eyes, and bust her chops. When she acts offended, stay your ground, turn your teasing up a notch, and smile. Learn how to see through her front, but also when to walk away. Recognize characteristics that reveal she might be an emotional wreck, a parasite, or a manipulator.

 

See it's not about using people, it's about learning how to better communicate to get what you want (whether it be a girlfriend or whatever). The funniest comedians know how to work a room because they have had lots of practice and experience. The bands you listen to didn't just one day pick up their instruments and play the amazing songs you love, they learned how to play their instruments before even writing their first song. What you need isn't a girl to grow old with, you need to practice at getting better with girls so when you meet the right one, you won't screw yourself over as fast.

 

I understand what you're saying, but is "experience" really that big of a deal? I don't think I'm THAT bad off that I wouldn't be able to sustain a relationship; if anything, I just allowed myself to grow a little bit too attached to this one girl in particular. Besides, if "experience" is that important, I might as well also be worrying about the fact that I've never had sex, and that I need "experience" in that area, too (which, I'm not worrying about, by the way).

 

Like I said, my biggest problem is, I have a hard time finding girls I really feel anything for. That's probably another reason I've clung onto this girl for so long, even without having seen her for years; I kept telling myself, in every major event in my life, that maybe I'd start meeting new people, and find a new girl to be interested in. I went into high school with high hopes of meeting new people, didn't really find anyone. When I first started working part time, I thought hey, maybe I'd meet a nice co-worker I'd be interested in, or maybe even girls in my age range that might shop where I work, and so far, nothing. I started college, thinking once again, well, this should be a big time for meeting new people, odds are I'll connect with some one, right? Still nothing. I don't get it, I don't know why I can't find anyone. I started feeling more and more hopeless about it as each of these events went on, and the more hopeless I felt, the more I started becoming attached to this girl, that maybe, just maybe, she was my one beacon of light. But now that that's over and done with, I don't know what to do, where to go, how to "fix" whatever part of me is broken that can't find attraction to the girls around me.

[eric82]

I understand what you're saying, but is "experience" really that big of a deal? I don't think I'm THAT bad off that I wouldn't be able to sustain a relationship; if anything, I just allowed myself to grow a little bit too attached to this one girl in particular. Besides, if "experience" is that important, I might as well also be worrying about the fact that I've never had sex, and that I need "experience" in that area, too (which, I'm not worrying about, by the way).

 

Experience is that big of a deal, but not in the sense that it's something to worry yourself to death about. What I mean is knowledgeable personal experience is what sustains a relationship more than feelings and good intentions.

 

Think of it this way, if you're about to have open-heart surgery, would you rather an experienced doctor or an inexperienced doctor with good intentions? That's something to remember when giving your heart to a female, both where you're coming from and where she's coming from.

 

But basically, you won't be able to sustain a relationship until you have failed in at least a few and learned from the heartbreak. You won't know what to put up with and what not to put up with because all you know about relationships is what you have been advised and what you assume should make things work. You won't know how to read a female and what signs to watch out for (because they rarely say what they mean, but always mean what they say) till you've done things the wrong way. You won't know how to keep your composure when unpleasant feelings that are new to you surface because you haven't been through it before and probably never knew you were capable of acting like this or that. My point is, you learn a lot about yourself by failing in relationships. They're not really failures because they teach you on a personal level how to be successful.

 

You don't need to worry yourself about sex, just remember that the first person you have sex with isn't going to be your one and only.

 

Like I said, my biggest problem is, I have a hard time finding girls I really feel anything for.

 

Well let me ask you this, do girls flirt with you or show interest in you?

[Inflikted]

Experience is that big of a deal, but not in the sense that it's something to worry yourself to death about. What I mean is knowledgeable personal experience is what sustains a relationship more than feelings and good intentions.

 

Think of it this way, if you're about to have open-heart surgery, would you rather an experienced doctor or an inexperienced doctor with good intentions? That's something to remember when giving your heart to a female, both where you're coming from and where she's coming from.

 

But basically, you won't be able to sustain a relationship until you have failed in at least a few and learned from the heartbreak. You won't know what to put up with and what not to put up with because all you know about relationships is what you have been advised and what you assume should make things work. You won't know how to read a female and what signs to watch out for (because they rarely say what they mean, but always mean what they say) till you've done things the wrong way. You won't know how to keep your composure when unpleasant feelings that are new to you surface because you haven't been through it before and probably never knew you were capable of acting like this or that. My point is, you learn a lot about yourself by failing in relationships. They're not really failures because they teach you on a personal level how to be successful.

 

You don't need to worry yourself about sex, just remember that the first person you have sex with isn't going to be your one and only.

 

Well, I still don't know that experience is really that necessary. I'm sure plenty of people get by without that much dating experience.

 

Well let me ask you this, do girls flirt with you or show interest in you?

 

No. :/