gwynieatpain Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I wasn't sure if this is the right place to fill this thread. It has been bothering me a long time. I love my mum she's my best friend. Thing is, learning from my past relationships I found that she has been getting involved way too much and it was hard to tell her off. I'm not a teen, 27 now and had engaged once, it was over and that led me to LS. In the last serious relationship, she had been asking me every weekend about our wedding plan. She even wrote us a schedule and sent it to my ex, called him to check out if things are missing etc. She also has a habit to call me everyday just to check out if I'm home safely, and that I have been trying to tell her to quit it coz sometimes I have to stay late at work. So when I couldn't get reached during the meeting or when I was working at the site where it was out of reception, she called my ex overseas in the middle of the night just to check out. He felt pretty stressed out by that. Lately, I was with a guy whom I have been seeing for only 3 months time. One night, mum asked if I had slept with this guy. I was feeling disgusted and angry and thought that it was really way too far for a conversation between mum and daughter, considering my age. She asked about this guy's number and I said no. I have been seeking help from counselling and tried a long time to convince/ persuade/ communicate/ even 'threaten' my mum. She didn't get it, thought that I was going to abandon her once I meet someone new. Trust me. I spend good quality time with my parents. Last weekend I took them for a short trip to a nearby city. I love to be with my mother but when it comes to my social life, especially dating, I have made it very clear to her that she shouldn't do anything about it. Of coz, the message didn't communicate across really and now I'm here to seek help. I just want to know if anyone has similar problem (guess it's quite rare) and how you deal with it? I have no bf now but recently I met a guy I really like. I dun want to get into the same trouble my mum causes. I know I take part of the responsibilities as well. So please guide me through.
PrincessPeach Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 My mother makes relationships hard on me. Don't get me wrong, she is always very nice to the guys I introduce her to, but too often she tries to use my dating as leverage in arguments and in trying to get me to do things for her even though I don't even live at home anymore. She wants me to be closer with her, but she doesn't realize that the way she goes about trying to get me to be closer with her actually pushes me away and makes me not want to share things with her. Now I just avoid telling her anything about relationships at all. We aren't exactly close, but it works better that way.
Author gwynieatpain Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 My mother makes relationships hard on me. Don't get me wrong, she is always very nice to the guys I introduce her to, but too often she tries to use my dating as leverage in arguments and in trying to get me to do things for her even though I don't even live at home anymore. She wants me to be closer with her, but she doesn't realize that the way she goes about trying to get me to be closer with her actually pushes me away and makes me not want to share things with her. Now I just avoid telling her anything about relationships at all. We aren't exactly close, but it works better that way. I know exactly what you mean. My mother was being very nice to the guys I was seeing as well. After a while, she would be actively looking for ways to triangle into my relationships. The last thing I hoped was receiving a call from mum during the date. It happened constantly for years. When I missed one call, she would keep on calling 6 to 7 times with vm. Funny thing is, she usually catched the 'great moment' to call. I understand that our mothers want to be closer to us, but I realize that my closeness to my mother should have boundaries. Thing is, how do I draw this boundary between my mother and I? I dunt want to hurt her feeling.
rlindzie Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 my mom is the exact same. see she is a single parent and for the last 23 years it has been just my sis, mom and me. so idk she gets lwierd when i date. and it doesnt matter who i date she is always negative. she treats me diffrent and idk it just really suxs. she calls me all the time wether on a date or not and if i dont pick up [when im out] she calls a billion times and sometimes even has called the police!!! i am right there with you. it really suxs. and she expects me to not move out until im married adn she doesnt want me to get married!! she is so negative about the whole thing and it drives me up the wall. i cant give you adive bc like you i tried counsle and everything and nothing works. i just hope it is a bit more comforting knowing there are many [ or maybe just some] ppl in your shoes as well. i wish you the best of luck!
Author gwynieatpain Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 she calls me all the time wether on a date or not and if i dont pick up [when im out] she calls a billion times and sometimes even has called the police!!! Oh my god! Our lives are paralleled. Thanks for sharing. I know we can actually do nothing to stop them. Yet I cannot imagine when I have my own family my mother still keep on doing everything behind my back ... LOL I have to do something about it.
sb129 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 you need to talk to her. Tell her that you really appreciate her concern and support, and that you love her, but that you are a big girl, and you can handle things on your own. Let her know that calling people in the middle of the night isn't OK, and that while you are pleased she worries about you, she doesn't need to worry to the point of doing that. Tell her that sometimes you feel like she doesn't trust you to do things on your own, but after all, it is YOUR life, and if you make mistakes, then you will learn from them. Reassure her that she will ALWAYS have a place in your life, but that there are parts of your life that she doesn't need to be involved in (ESP your sex life!!!!!). This doesn't mean that she is any less important to you. Maybe you need to have a counselling session together so she can hear it from someone else too...
Author gwynieatpain Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 you need to talk to her. Tell her that you really appreciate her concern and support, and that you love her, but that you are a big girl, and you can handle things on your own. Let her know that calling people in the middle of the night isn't OK, and that while you are pleased she worries about you, she doesn't need to worry to the point of doing that. Tell her that sometimes you feel like she doesn't trust you to do things on your own, but after all, it is YOUR life, and if you make mistakes, then you will learn from them. Reassure her that she will ALWAYS have a place in your life, but that there are parts of your life that she doesn't need to be involved in (ESP your sex life!!!!!). This doesn't mean that she is any less important to you. Maybe you need to have a counselling session together so she can hear it from someone else too... Trust me. I have said similar things that you have covered. But it does really inspire me for some of the key points you mentioned (I made them bold) and that I need to readdress to her. Thanks a lot.
playlislay Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Hahahaha!! My mums just the same! Its seems that every relationship I have she ends up driving them away! She will NEVER get on with any of my future partners. She's too much hard work! Since losing the love of my life (not due to her but Im sure she didnt help!) I have decided that my next patner is not going to get too involved with my mum. The first thing she says when I bring a new bloke back is 'What do you do for a living? A builder you say? Oh well, can you fix my steps next month, for free?' and she really does expect to get it for free!! :OS It was only last week that I had a man round and she was pestering him like theres no tomorrow! And yes, she rings to see where I am, what time I will be home, who I am with etc. Im 24 for gods sake!!! Gr!!!! Youve got to love em! he he.
Hersheys Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I noticed that relationships I've been on where my mom got a bit involved lasted pretty quick. The ones I had complete control and dealt with on my own lasted for years.
Author gwynieatpain Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 I have decided that my next patner is not going to get too involved with my mum. I've thought about it but not sure how. But I definitely won't tell her my next bf's number.
Author gwynieatpain Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 I noticed that relationships I've been on where my mom got a bit involved lasted pretty quick. Hahaha ... so true.
manugeorge Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 You have to be the one to set boundaries, you've allowed her to be in your business for this long...(hello...who gives their boyfriend's phone number to their overbearing Mom?). If you've had a conversation with her and she's not receptive then you have to realize that she will probably NEVER be receptive to talks which means you have to take other measures. When she calls you 10 times, just don't answer the phone. Because when you do, you give in to her unnecessary panic and in essence you are telling her that her stalkerish behavior is ok, and the vicious cycle continues. I know she's your mother but mothers also need to get their own lives independent of their children. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience, I have a mother, who calls me a billion times "just to check in". I'm not a child, I don't need to be checked on every day. And the cincher is she never leaves a message, she just keeps blowing up my phone, 3- 4 times a day. Simple, I just don't answer. I ONLY call once every two weeks to say, hey I'm still alive, how are you?. That's it, I don't give her any more leeway than that. I don't give in to any of her guilt trips because all it is, is really just manipulation. You teach people how to treat you and if you give the indication that you will tolerate anything from them, then you can expect that they WILL dish you anything. There is nothing stopping you from changing the subject when asked about private matters you'd rather not discuss. "Thanks Mom, so how's Dad doing"? You don't have to be rude or anything, just learn how to set boundaries.
Author gwynieatpain Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks, good advice I received. hello...who gives their boyfriend's phone number to their overbearing Mom? I can explain with that one, though I understand it was a mistake. With this guy I was going to marry, I thought it was alright for giving my mother his number because he soon became part of my family. Again, it was a mistake. If you've had a conversation with her and she's not receptive then you have to realize that she will probably NEVER be receptive to talks which means you have to take other measures. (...) Simple, I just don't answer. I ONLY call once every two weeks to say, hey I'm still alive, how are you?. That's it, I don't give her any more leeway than that. I don't give in to any of her guilt trips because all it is, is really just manipulation. I have been practicing these for 7 years. She seems understand a bit and stops calling for a while. Recently it gets worse because of my job, and also because of the break up with my ex fiance, she goes back to the original stalking mode just to make sure I'm ok. Actually I was more than ok. It was not funny when she found out that I was seeing someone lately and she's been over reacting again. There is nothing stopping you from changing the subject when asked about private matters you'd rather not discuss. "Thanks Mom, so how's Dad doing"? You don't have to be rude or anything, just learn how to set boundaries. I'm still learning. The conversation she had with me about sex with the new guy, I went "mum. I'm not going to discuss this matter with you. You are crossing the line." She was really really upset. (I swear, I didn't sleep with him. ) Perhaps you are right, changing the subject is a better way to deal with situation like this.
manugeorge Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I'm still learning. The conversation she had with me about sex with the new guy, I went "mum. I'm not going to discuss this matter with you. You are crossing the line." She was really really upset. Perhaps you are right, changing the subject is a better way to deal with situation like this. Ofcourse, she is going to be upset, it's all part of the manipulation. They are so good at that:rolleyes:. My mom would say, "I wiped your behind for years, you can't keep any secrets from me" or "I brought you into this world, I can take you out". One day I replied, "you know Mom, people have kids every minute of the day, I don't imagine it's nearly as special/hard as you think it is, ...not like rocket science or something ". She didn't talk to me for days after that:laugh: It will probably be a power struggle for years to come because 50-something year old moms rarely change their ways. You have to be the one to keep up the No Mom, thanks Mom, oh look at the time, gotta go Mom. It'll be second nature before you know it.
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