lifesconfusing Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Ok this is a LONG story, here's a quick background. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 yrs (since I was 15), and we lived together for 4 of those years. My dad just remarried and my step-mom kicked my boyfriend out, so now he is homeless and he just started a job at Hardee's (he's 23). I am in nursing school full time and work as a CNA full time. So, here's my problem. I don't know if I should stay with him. There are so many problems, he can't keep a job, doesn't have place to live, smokes weed like crazy (refuses to quit) the weed habit wouldn't bother me if he had everything else in order. He totalled my car in Jan. and got a possesion charge, he has warrents. We only have sex maybe once a month, I think that is a sign of cheating or he's gay. I just lost 80lbs I went from 226 to 146 still no interest, I am back down to the size I was when we met (we had sex all the time then) but I get none now. He is very supportive emotionally, but in no other way. I'm afraid that because we were so young in the being we are just REALLY close friends. We have been through a lot together, my mom passed away and we lost a baby. I don't have any friends anymore (gave them all up for him at 16). I don't know how to have a relationship as an adult (outside of this one). When I think about leaving him it scares me, he won't make it without me and I do care about him. I just really want him to grow up, right now I pay for everything for him, gas, cigarette, weed, hotels. I know I shouldn't be he just has this way of getting me to do things, he complains until I do it and since I have no one else to hang out with I'm around him 24/7. I'm really beginning to think I have an unhealthy attachment to him, and I don't know how to break it. I don't know if I love him or what's wrong with me. I'm trying to become an adult and he isn't and can't he has a horrible job history and now a possession charge. I just need a place to talk about this, everyone tells me to just leave him but it's not that easy in my head. I'm hoping someone out there will understand. I keep waiting for him to grow up, but I'm beginning to think he's using me. Sadly enough that's not enough to make me leave....yet.
LoveLace Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 That is a hard situation to be in. Especially because you are truly going somewhere with yourself, and he is not. I'm a nursing student also, and I was in a very similar situation last year, with a roommate (which is different from someone you love but still..), and being in school and dealing with his crap, was way too much stress for me. But there were also the times that I was really glad to have him around, which makes it hard to ditch them. 1st of all, you are totoally enabling him to live the way he does, and he'll do it for as long as you'll let him. He is taking advantage of you, clearly. I would say look I can't afford all these things anymore, and take away something...like money for weed. So if he uses the money he makes to buy weed instead of a hotel room, refuse to pay for hotel room. HE chose to spend his money on the weed instead, so HE should be the one to suffer, not you. Start talking with class mates more....nursing students are all about studying together. Suggest lunch as a study meeting with someone. Then, maybe ask if they want to see a movie sometime to make it more friendly. Gradually these relationships can easily build into true friendships, leading you to meet more people down the road. Be as outgoing as you can possibly be...even if it means being a little "fake" or stepping outside your comfort zone. Do this right and with time you won't feel that you need his emotional support anymore...technically you don't need it now, given how he uses you, but it takes time to truly feel that way. You should really sit him down, and tell him you care about him and appreciate his friendship, but your life is moving forward, and he isn't moving with you, so he should start thinking about plans to get along himself without your help. Nursing school is VERY stressful, believe me I know, I got tired of taking care of everyone with NO one to take care of ME. It isn't fair, so you should tell him that you need to concentrate on YOU from now on, and his huge list of needs is way too distracting for you. Tell him you've spent all this time thinking of him and making him a priority...now it's YOUR turn. The cons of this relationship totally outweight the pros for you...so why keep it around? He CAN make it without you. But as long as you enable him, he'll never learn how to do that. By putting him out there on his own, it's best for you both.
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