2sure Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 In need of assistance regarding Groupie etiquette. Husband, through his work, is involved with many organizations. All have "social functions" requiring his attendance. I go with him to those he feels I should, or those I most enjoy. It is him they want to see , not me - and I'm thankful I dont have the same obligations. His job makes him a VIP for these functions, he is the guest they want, I came to terms long ago with having conversations interrupted, being overlooked, even pushed aside. In fact, I like to think I handle these things with some amount of grace. But I'm stumped with something that has come up. One org. has a member in long standing (from a very financially supportive family) who has always had a crush on my H. She was always non threatening just odd , so we would laugh about it. Recently we have come to find out that she is mentally ill (with papers) and its sad. A very small circle know about her circumstance & behavior - and obviously it is not to be discussed. Two functions ago, being seated at a formal dinner with name cards - she insisted that she was seated next to my H although she was not. As it was the head table in full view, I told my H it was OK and that I would sit elsewhere. Which I did, no problem. H had a major issue with this because she woudlnt stop talking and seemed to think they came together. Next function, H insists I sit with him regardless of her protests. We take our seats right away, giving her no chance. OK. She has announced to pretty much everyone in the org. - 200 people, that she and H are very close, our marriage is crumbling, and that I am pushing her away from him against his wishes. Its crazy I know. But I dont like my family to be gossiped about in this way. This is how rumors start. I cant go around telling people she is medically crazy...can I? AND like I said - her family is very $ supportive of the org. My H is not in a position to burn that bridge. WTF?
Lizzie60 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 She's mentally challenged but not enough to start gossips.. I don't think it was a good move to let her have your seat.. some people will believe rumours..
Author 2sure Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 The thing is 95% of the people listening to her, dont know she is out of her mind. I would not have known if not told. She is attractive, the right age, some people will believe her. I'd still like to shut her up. I DREAD the next dinner.
Touche Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Trouble-makers with no life will ALWAYS believe rumors. Why would you care what they think? They'll want to think the worst of you anyway. I say take the high road and just feel sorry for her. That's what I do with people like this. And don't be so sure they don't know she has a screw loose. I think you underestimate people there.
Author 2sure Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Maybe you're right. Some people will always say bad things, and I should be used to it. I hate it. There is no way for me or husband to quiet her during these dinners. He has to understand that there is nothing I can do. I like to be supportive of him, and go to this stuff whenever he asks...but I think he is on his own with this.
JackJack Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 "her family is very $ supportive of the org. My H is not in a position to burn that bridge". When you say your husband is in no position to burn that bridge, then its kind of like giving the whole thing an ok! She has the control....
Touche Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Maybe you're right. Some people will always say bad things, and I should be used to it. I hate it. There is no way for me or husband to quiet her during these dinners. He has to understand that there is nothing I can do. I like to be supportive of him, and go to this stuff whenever he asks...but I think he is on his own with this. That's pretty much what I'd do too. And you sure don't want to step on her toes and possibly have your H blame you for screwing things up. Let him be the man he is and handle it himself. I'd just be sweet and social and let the rest go.
Author 2sure Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Gee. I sound inept dont I? Sometimes I am. You ladies made me realize that in such a polite way. Thank you! The dinner is this Sat. With H's OK - I just called the Pres. of the org., and changed our RSVP to regrets. I told him that we recently had a small problem with a member and to not cause any further discomfort or embarassment for her family, we thought it best to decline. She is their crazy person, let them deal with her. H is not a freaking hostage.
The Collector Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I think you should punch her in the face. But your passive-aggressive method is probably better. I don't see why you should ever not be able to sit with your partner, no matter what the circumstance. And despite your lack of direct accusation, your husband could be protecting and prioritising you more, couldn't he?
Ocean-Blue Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I think you should punch her in the face. But your passive-aggressive method is probably better. I don't see why you should ever not be able to sit with your partner, no matter what the circumstance. And despite your lack of direct accusation, your husband could be protecting and prioritising you more, couldn't he? You are so dreamy.
Jennifer26 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 My opinion is this - Your husband usually attends most of these events, now he's not going to go after this woman has announced to everyone they have a fling. Some may take it as a confirmation as what she's saying is true. And that you and your husband aren't attending because of the "situation" and even worse, she will likely put two and two together. I would attend this function, smile, appear cheerful and completely natural. I would show a bit of extra affection to my husband, and be sure to talk to him in advance and explain you would prefer he keep his discussion with her polite, professional, but very brief. And there is not a chance in hell I'd give up my seat to her. People would get the message that you and your husband are together, and are happily married. Including this other woman.
Athena Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Hopefully Groupie will not up the ante and become Stalker, now that H is not directly available! How about H telling her face to face directly that he has heard some talk about her "and him" and while it is flattering, he has NO such feelings for her, then turns around and IGNORES her... family, or no family... if anyone should understand her crazy behavior, I am sure its her own family! I doubt they will 'punish' H for being normal and not playing along by Ms. Crazy's fantasies.
Trialbyfire Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 If your husband belongs to a number of organizations already, one small one with only 200 members which relies heavily on the goodwill of one contributory family, is probably something he doesn't need to belong to. This should have been his first consideration, when faced with someone who's mentally challenged. The drama and bad press to his name, isn't what his place of employment would prefer to promote. Step down.
Touche Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I agree with Jennifer. I wouldn't have cancelled. I mean it doesn't sound like, under the circumstances you describe, that she's someone whom you can avoid forever. So I would not have cancelled. I would have gone. And no way in a million years would I have agreed to sit elsewhere. That was not a good move on your part 2sure. But what's even worse is that your husband was fine with that. I totally agree with this from Collector: your husband could be protecting and prioritising you more, couldn't he? That bothered me. If you don't earn and command respect from your H, you'll never get it....as we've seen here. He doesn't respect you 2sure.
Heroic Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 My wife is a performer and part of that is lifestyle keeping the fans happy. I have had a few expriences where she has had to deal with fans and I had to take a back seat for a while. Part of the deal when you marry a performer. However, I have dealt with stalkers, now none of them were the financial backer types but I have let those few who went beyond our comfort boundries know that I have no problem putting your butt in the hospital in a variety of creative ways if the behavior continues. A light tap to the solar plexus does wonders for most peoples attitudes...just sayin
sb129 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I think you and your H should present a united front and attend gatherings together, and always sit together- I don't quite get why she should insist on sitting next to him when you are at the function- isn't it customary for partners to sit together? The more "normal" you and your H are, the more crazy her behaviour will appear, and it will also quash any rumours eventually. I think you should have gone tonight, but hey- its your life!!! Good luck
NoIDidn't Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 2sure I think you are making excuses for rude behavior. If you are speaking with your H, no one should brush you aside and he should not allow it if any one attempted it. I speak as someone often in your position as well. My H, as an additional function of his corporate job, does a lot of public face of good works contributions and dinners for his company. I usually don't go as it has nothing to do with me. But sometimes they have dinners and invite spouses. No one, and I mean NO ONE, interrupts or pushes me aside. And for the foolish that attempt it, mentally ill or not, MY H tells them it is unacceptable. You shouldn't have to put up with this from him or his groupie. Now regarding his groupie: I realize you've already cancelled, but I wouldn't have. I would go. And if she creates an uncomfortable atmosphere she should be taken aside and told the facts of the matter. She's not all THAT mentally ill if she knows how to create innuendo and spread lies. She can handle him telling her her behavior must cease.
jj33 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 2sure I totally agree with No I didnt. If its not too late Go. And ALWAYS sit together. And your H MUST stand up to her. What I dont understand is if her family knows she is certified then cant something be said to the family if she reacts badly to H putting her back in her box? And would they credit her words if they heard them? If your H is that involved in the organization, then its important for him to be involved or its something he enjoys. This woman shouldnt be allowed to change the way you live your life. If she barges up etc and talks to H and ignores you he should say C you know my wife 2sure dont you? He should not miss an opportunity to tell her that he is happily married. Eventually she will get the point. H needs to be less mercenary to the cause and more of a cheerleader for the family. If you go tonite have fun. jj
Touche Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 2sure I totally agree with No I didnt. If its not too late Go. And ALWAYS sit together. And your H MUST stand up to her. What I dont understand is if her family knows she is certified then cant something be said to the family if she reacts badly to H putting her back in her box? And would they credit her words if they heard them? If your H is that involved in the organization, then its important for him to be involved or its something he enjoys. This woman shouldnt be allowed to change the way you live your life. If she barges up etc and talks to H and ignores you he should say C you know my wife 2sure dont you? He should not miss an opportunity to tell her that he is happily married. Eventually she will get the point. H needs to be less mercenary to the cause and more of a cheerleader for the family. If you go tonite have fun. jj I love that line! And I agree with everything. People will overstep their bounds if you let them. She's obviously jealous of 2sure and her behavior reflects this. She needs to be shown her place.
jj33 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Thanks Touche. I love it too. So rude but when its appropriate....this one needs brown paper wrapping and a do not return to sender sticker... 2sure - did you go? You want to be compassionate to the mentally challenged but this is beyond the pale. She does indeed need to be put back in her box. It'll be good for her. If she is well enough to go out to functions, she is well enough to behave herself.
carhill Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 She has announced to pretty much everyone in the org. - 200 people, that she and H are very close, our marriage is crumbling, and that I am pushing her away from him against his wishes I tend to align with TBF regarding stepping down, and this is a situation where H should take the lead. If he has rapport with his audiences, and a sense of humor, this is where a takeoff on Sam Clemmens "reports of my death are greatly exaggerated" humor, delivered properly, would send a message to both the audience and the lady in question. I'm betting H is a "nice guy" about such things and would rather take it on the chin, ala "a reputation can withstand a few insults" but IMO this is one area he should be drawing a line. Hope it works out
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I'd like to know what mentally ill "with papers" means. Forgive me for chuckling, because I know the situation itself is not funny--I really do--but seriously, I didn't know mentally ill people had papers, like the AKC or something..."Winston's Baby Blue Eyes Champion Nutjob". Anyway, do you know what kind of "mentally ill" she is? Because to be frank, even depression is classified as a mental illness. I myself am on antidepressants but I don't have papers. Do I need to sign up somewhere? The reason I ask this question, really, is because if someone just said that to you about her, it literally could mean anything; she could just be depressed...she could be...well, anything. Because here's the thing. If she were crazy-crazy...paranoid schizophrenic, for example (I don't want to offend anyone who has PS family members, just giving an example) or psychotic...other people WOULD know it. You would have known it. Maybe not the first meeting, maybe not the second, but eventually. Or if she's literally delusional, again, she won't be able to hide it. She'll have other, um...eccentricities and they won't all involve your husband and herself. So if that's the kind of "crazy" she is, then yes, people will definitely know at some point, no worries. But if it's not, and she just has, I don't know, ADHD (yes, also classified under the psychiatric DSM!) or depressed or PMDD or narcissistic personality disorder or whatnot...then yes, you should definitely approach her to make her stop. Because then there really is no excuse in that case, and she really could be a danger to you, in any case. I hope this all works out for you guys.
Lucky_One Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Did your H think it was a good idea to regret to this dinner? If he is as big a VIP as you say, then that isn't a good idea for the organization. I would think the best thing is for your H to go talk to someone in her family, explain the situation, and gently suggest that perhaps she not go to every social event and that perhaps they should keep a better eye on her behavior. My XH was a very very big person in a particular organization. I was NEVER pushed aside or ignored; i was treated as well as he was, and he treated me that way, as well. I am a bit confused as to why he would do that to you publicly, and would think that HIS behavior is leading to as much gossip as this girl's words are.
jj33 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Lucky agree with you entirely. Thats why I said in my earlier post "H needs to be less mercenary to the cause and more of a cheerleader for the family." He doesnt seem to realize that letting your spouse be treated improperly doesnt help your image. Once again 2sure I hate to say it, but he created it... and is it possible that he likes the attention a little bit too much? By tolerating that sort of thing, he makes it ok for her to continue. The fact that her family is important is not a good excuse. Noone expects him to **** the donors daughter (or even to act like he wants to) in order to secure the dosh. Indeed its not clean. Its slimey and disingenuous. (sorry I know you love him). There are lots of "angles" he could play. How about charming but unattainable because he is married family man? The girls can swoon from afar. The bottom line is H need much clearer boundaries. And I think you are terrific but... I also think you need not to be complicit in allowing him to not to enforce those boundaries. I know its part of the understanding you need to show as you stand by your man, but... hes snowed you if hes made you believe that its necessary. Its not. My take on this is that its Hs foible. But you love him and nobodys perfect and so long as he doesnt act on it, you are relatively OK with it, even if its annoying and embarrassing at times - is that accurate?
NoIDidn't Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 2sure I hope we didn't offend you. Its just that it doesn't appear to be her, its him. Hopefully you can show this to him in a way that he will take responsibility for the situation instead of claiming to have a "groupie". Question: Who told you she was "mentally ill"? Your H? Someone else? I know you once said that your H cheating on you was some kind of karmic repayment for being the OW in your past. Its a little off topic, but not much. Have you accepted this poor treatment from him as somehow being your just due as well? I hope not. You are a wonderful poster, and I assume, poster, and deserve much more respect that he is giving you regardless of your past.
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