youknowmyname Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Been "seeing" this girl for about 3 months now--hanging out together weekly or bi-weekly. I'm into her, but from the beginning she made it known she wasn't interested in a relationship. We're both about 30. Given that she wasn't actively reciprocating my feelings, or really giving me that much validation, I pulled back from her: don't contact her, etc. Unfortunately we see each other with mutual friends and although I haven't been rude, I certainly haven't been myself--familiar with her, etc. Now she wants to know what's up with me... I'd like a relationship with this girl if it's possible, so how to I respond in a way that is both kind but that makes it known what I want without also scaring her away? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Excellent Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Tbh, i would tell the truth to her face to face. Yeah, it probably would be akward. But most women can smell lies a mile away, so there's no point in trying that one either. Link to post Share on other sites
PrincessPeach Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I wouldn't tell the truth to her face. Period. Not only has she has already heard that from you, but you are not currently doing anything that would make her believe that to be true. In my opinion, from how I've seen myself and other girls in the past, she is probably starting to find interest with you which is why she is wondering what's up and doesn't know if you still like her or not. Don't tell her you still like her (at least not yet). For a lot of girls, whether they know it or not, I think part of the mystery or not really knowing is what they like. Even if to you it might be obvious, it might not be to other people. What I would suggest is just keep hanging out with her, make a move every so often, but DON'T bring up the topic of getting into a relationship. She will let you know (directly or indirectly) when she is ready for one with you. I'd say just pretend with yourself that you are in a relationship. If she isn't resistant to spending time out together and such it really isn't any different from an actual relationship at all except for calling it that. Why do so many people (especially guys) have to put a label on something as a relationship so fast? It's seriously not an attractive thing. Be your own man, hang out with her to enjoy being with her, not so you can be in a relationship. Or else she will just think you are some desperate guy who is more focused on being in some "relationship" rather than being with her. Link to post Share on other sites
yeex Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I wouldn't tell the truth to her face. Period. Not only has she has already heard that from you, but you are not currently doing anything that would make her believe that to be true. In my opinion, from how I've seen myself and other girls in the past, she is probably starting to find interest with you which is why she is wondering what's up and doesn't know if you still like her or not. Don't tell her you still like her (at least not yet). For a lot of girls, whether they know it or not, I think part of the mystery or not really knowing is what they like. Even if to you it might be obvious, it might not be to other people. What I would suggest is just keep hanging out with her, make a move every so often, but DON'T bring up the topic of getting into a relationship. She will let you know (directly or indirectly) when she is ready for one with you. I'd say just pretend with yourself that you are in a relationship. If she isn't resistant to spending time out together and such it really isn't any different from an actual relationship at all except for calling it that. Why do so many people (especially guys) have to put a label on something as a relationship so fast? It's seriously not an attractive thing. Be your own man, hang out with her to enjoy being with her, not so you can be in a relationship. Or else she will just think you are some desperate guy who is more focused on being in some "relationship" rather than being with her. Right on! I totally agree! Link to post Share on other sites
Author youknowmyname Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 PrincessPeach, I like your advice; I think it's sound reasoning. In regards to a face-to-face talk, which would entail me saying something like: I like you and I'm not sure that you like me..., I was leaning towards that initially because I just feel like I need to "man up" and tell her straight what's going on. Not to be defensive, but it's not the relationship label I'm after so much as the behavior that goes along with it. It's definitely good to demonstrate that I'm a confident person who doesn't need her but simply wants to spend time with her, and I think my ability to pull back has shown her that I can walk away from this (because I can). The last thing I want is to come across as having "expectations." ON THE OTHER HAND -- Integrity-wise, it also seems like a good idea to just tell her how I feel and she can take it or leave it: granted, there's no challenge or mystery, but it feels good to get things out in the open. It may not be the smart play, but I do care about her as a person. If she didn't like me to some degree, she wouldn't be seeing me at all after 3 months. My previous relationships have moved forward easily without such game playing, which is why her being somewhat of a commitment-phobe has really thrown me for a loop. Link to post Share on other sites
PrincessPeach Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 I am not saying that it is the label you are after, but that's what it will look like to her. One thing I can almost assure you of, if you try to tell her plainly that you want a relationship with her she is almost sure to not actually believe you. Regardless of whether you mean it or not, because you aren't DOING anything to make her believe that. Recently becoming more distant would be seen by a girl to be LESS interested in a relationship. If you are after the behavior that goes along with a relationship, then just start engaging in that behavior. You don't need to confirm a relationship status before doing that. I think she likes you (or is starting to). Just let things progress without having to spell them out directly to her. Love is spontaneous, don't make it sound like a plan to her... just do it! Girls will say that they don't really want a relationship, not because we are commitment-phobic, but because we need time to see if you are the right guy for us. We want to know the guy we are getting with actually wants us and is someone we like. If you want to flat out tell her, go ahead, but as a woman I can almost assure you that if she isn't already crazy about you she will almost definitely lose interest in you rather than gain it and then you'll just have to build up that interest in her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youknowmyname Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 PrincessPeach, OK, I'm on board with your advice. But now I'm wondering how to respond to her email asking me if "everything is OK because I've been distant." Should I just tell her that everything is fine, and then ask her to hang out with me this weekend or is that too random? Or should I just tell her that everything is fine, and leave it at that for a couple days and then ask her out? Link to post Share on other sites
PrincessPeach Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 You could also deflect with some generic non-specific excuse like "It's cool, somethings just been bothering me a bit recently, don't really want to get into that though, it seems fine/resolved now." (which isn't necessarily untrue to begin with) and then follow it up with something like "are you free to go with me to ____ Monday night" in however you say things or would be comfortable with. Or you can say that things are fine, I don't think it matters that much. Any response is likely better than no response. Suggesting that the two of you go do something sounds like a good (and fun) idea though Link to post Share on other sites
Author youknowmyname Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 Princess, you've been great in helping me think this through - it's people like you that help the world go round! Link to post Share on other sites
PrincessPeach Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Hehe... thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Well, my advice is to be friends with her and date someone else. She already told you she doesn't want a relationship, why are you forcing her into one? But if you want to play the game, you're half way there. You're pulling back, and she noticed. Next step is to hit up on other women in front of her. She may bite, she may not. If she doesn't, there's nothing you can do. You can't make a person like you. Those games are just to remind her that she's losing you and she better act now. So if even in her subconscious she just doesn't see you as someone she could date, then nothing can change that. But luckily, since you're hitting on someone else already, maybe that someone else will work out. That's killing two birds with one stone. It may get girl #1 to turn around, or it may get you hooked up with girl #2. Maybe you'll get both and now you get to pick the better one. Options are always good. You can't fake anything though. Women are psychic. So when you do hit up on girl #2, you really have to be interested in her. Not only will it make this genuine, in case girl #1 doesn't bite, you'll still be happy with girl #2. There are so many women out there, why get stuck on just one that already told you she doesn't want a relationship (with you)? But I can tell you this. If you keep making yourself available simply as a friend, then you'll stay simply as a friend. In fact some women will accuse you of using friendship as a tool to get in their pants. Anyway that's my take. Without being there and really knowing what's going on first hand, this is my advice. As with all internet advice, use your own judgment. Link to post Share on other sites
Difficult Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Hi youknowmyname. I'm in a similar situation to yours. I met this girl 3 weeks ago and we really hit it off and have spent alot of time together. At first she said she felt as if i were the one she has been waiting for all along but over the last few days she has changed her mind. She has now told me that she doesn't think we will be suited as partners and she cannot see us as being compatiable in a relationship. However she still wants to continue seeing me but thinks we should tone things down. I think in these situations it could be that the girl like princess said is just unsure and they want to figure out what they want without building any expecatations so if they do later confirm that it's something they do not want they feel they have let know one down and don't feel scared that they are investing a lot of emotion into it. It could also be a defence mechanism where they subconciously realise they are falling for you but to gain some control over the situation they say they don't want a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youknowmyname Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 I didn't go the route of having "the talk" with her; I followed PrincessPeaches advice mostly, and just replied to her email: "hey champ, no worries... we can talk more in depth later if you're interested... it's resolved," etc. Saw her the next day, said hello, walked with her a bit. She brought up the subject of my distance but I just honestly thought it wasn't a good time to talk about things right at that moment. We're both busy, but things are pleasant--at least one charming text a day. ...in regards to just what my issue is, I think the important thing is just managing to get the question right. I'm not interested in asking her where things are going, I'm not interested in asking about a relationship (God no--if only to avoid the label). But I am interested in asking her soon, perhaps at the end of a date in a few days (I'll play it by ear depending if she invites me to stay over) simply whether or not she has FEELINGS for me. Now, I realize I should know by her actions, but more than anything I just need a verbal answer to that. Some might call that insecurity, and if it is; well hey, I'm human. But I'm a confident person in general--fairly popular and all that--and I know she's not the only girl in the world (I still chit chat with my ex, and have a date with another girl set up in a couple weeks). So what do people think? Is it wrong to ask someone straight up whether they have feelings for you? I've never had to ask a girl before... but I don't think that's indicative of this girl not liking me. Been seeing her about 3 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherished Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I don't think she's interested romantically. Link to post Share on other sites
confused_2008 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Asking her about her feelings is a bad idea, IMO. Makes you look insecure and needy. Link to post Share on other sites
Agyeman Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Good advice by Princess Peach. Link to post Share on other sites
Author youknowmyname Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 I see how asking her if she has feelings for me could be perceived by her as an insecurity on my part--but I think I've demonstrated on multiple occasions my willingness to walk away, and she's always responded by seeking me out. Note: this girl isn't just out for attention--trust me; not her style. FishTaco's point about just being friendly w/ her and dating someone else is sound advice: but here's my problem, which ties into why I want to just get a verbal response from her as to whether she has feelings for me or not. We're in grad school together, I don't see her everyday, but we run in the same crowd and if I were openly dating someone else, she'd know in an hour. If she caved and said she had feelings for me but just wasn't ready for anything more serious, or she said she didn't have feelings for me period, but just having a good time, either way, I'd feel much better dating someone else openly (as now I'm on the prowl with girls outside of school). If I ask her and she doesn't answer, I'll gladly take that as proxy for "no." I'm not love-struck (though yes, I like her); nothing she says is going to devastate me. I just don't want there to be a situation where she might possibly say: "yes, I have feelings for you, I'm just scared of where this is going, etc." Because if she MIGHT say that, but I never asked and brought a girl I was dating around to a party, I could really hurt her feelings. And I wouldn't be doing right by her. Link to post Share on other sites
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