4givrnt4gtr Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Ive been dating my bf for 3 months now. We really like each other. I really enjoy being with him and I truly love how he has introduced me to so many new things. However, last night we went hiking with a friend of his (girl). they had such an animated conversation about a tv show they both watch and about music they both really like. I felt so out of the loop and made me realize how little we have in common. When we got home he told me he had bought tickets to this show he is very excited about. I knew he was going to buy them and even though i like the show as well Im not like crazy excited (this show is something he introduced me too a few weeks ago). He asked me if i was excited and I couldnt lie...i said i wasnt as much as he was but that I wanted to go cuz it seem fun. That made me feel even more sad about that big gap between us. It seems like he has so many passions and things he is into and I just...dont. So at some point i told him i was worried about how little we seem to have in common. He confessed that he had been thinking about that too these past couple of days. That made even more nervous. We talked about how well we get along yet it seems like we dont have any shared interests. He also mentioned how it seems like he is always showing me and teaching me new things but he still has yet to know what i like and what I am really into. I thought about it and I realize i dont really have anything other than my career that Im totally passionate about. Sure i like certain things, but nothing to the extend where, like for instance in music, i would pay 200 to go to a concert. I felt so bad then, like i have nothing to offer him. That on top of some other crap im going thru made me really sad and I just couldnt keep it in and started to cry. He was very sweet to me and held me but soon fell asleep. I pretty much cried the whole night. I feel so out of place and lonely, not only with him but pretty much everywhere in my life. Actually, just last weekend, I felt that the only "safe" place i had was with him, and I feel like i totally lost that last night. I dont really know what to do. On one hand i feel like I know i like certain things I could show him, but im not sure he would care for them. On the other hand, I feel like I should just end it and save us both the dragging on process... I dont know...what do you guys think??
jadelil25 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Yes it is true that relationships work better when you share interests and have lots in common but a relationship is also about learning about each other and sharing interests. You dont have to feel as excited and be as in to them as much as he is but share some interests and get involved as much as you can. Relationships are about give and take and helping each other. Doing things together and learning about each others interests. Have you considered getting your self a hobby, join the local gym or a club? This will give you interests which you can share together and it will also give you the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends. I know it is hard but if you hold your head up high and think about the positives you can do it. I have had the same problem in the past but I have made the effort and in the end I actually got more involed with his interests than I ever imagined that I would. You need to take some time apart from him, have no contact for a couple of days and think about what you really want and about how you feel. If you are not happy and feel that you can not get involved with his interests then you need to end the relationship before you get more involved and end up hurting him and hurting your self. You are never alone and you need to remember that. Just have fun with your friends and do the things which you enjoy. Everything will work out in the end. Also if you are getting upset and low it maybe worth seeking professional advice.
prettybaby Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Do you guys live together? How often do you see each other? You may want to put some space between you two and enjoy some time by yourself so you won't feel like your whole life is being swallowed by his. Don't worry about your lack of hobbies. It's really no big deal. The bigger issue here is that you seem to suffer insecurities. That is a bigger threat to your relationship than the hobbies you may or may not have. Do you have some friends of your own? Do you ever go out and do stuff with your friends that don't involve him? That in itself is a nice activity that you can then talk about with him. Don't be so pessimistic about yourself and your relationship. It could be so much worse; you could actually hate his hobbies and be sick of hearing about them Which doesn't seem to be the case. Sounds like you somewhat enjoy them, which is more than what some couples can say!
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 While I believe some mutual interests are critical (at least those each is really interested in), you don't have to have everything in common. Problem here is that you share very little, if anything, in common. Thing is, to me, it sounds like you don't really know yourself very well. You can't really think of anything that excites you. Without knowing yourself - what inspires and motivates YOU - you can't really share yourself with others, and instead will rely on them to entertain you. You're only noticing this disparity in interests because he's failing to entertain you. Not that there's an obligation on his part to keep you entertained, but if he were opening your eyes to things that you did end up enjoying a lot, you wouldn't be concerned... but you'd still be in the place of not knowing yourself. I think you need to simply broaden your horizons and try out a bunch of different activities to see what turns you on (in the non-sexual sense).
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 wow awesome responses guys..thank you! Well, the thing is, as i think more on it, we share core values, such as what we want to do with our lives, how we expect to be treated (therefore we both treat each other really well), and a lot of moral values. Regarding hobbies...thats the problem. Actually Star, he said pretty much the same thing yesterday when I told him I just didnt have any of those things that aside from my profession, excites me. He said that it seems like I really dont know myself and my likes/dislikes very well. I never thought that of myself, I always felt like i had a pretty good handle on who i am. When Im not in a relationship, im very content, I am busy all the time and feel pretty fulfilled. However, after yesterday I realized that my time and activities usually are filled up by people and relationships instead of things like music, movies etc. I also thought of things I usually like to do when im alone. I used to love to take my car and drive out randomly, go to new cities and see whats going on there. I havent done that in years but maybe this may be an incentive to retake my old habits. I also realized that maybe its not that I dont have any hobbies or special interests per se...i think it might be more than I dont think he will care for them, and/or rather not share them to avoid being rejected because of them. I guess its a way to keep distance and he totally called me out on it. I really actually enjoy what he shows me, but in a way i dont want to adopt what he likes because im afraid to lose myself and end up being a clone of him. I think that also puts a damper on how close we can get... Its very confusing...i do know i really really really like him. I really enjoy being with him and I dont want to lose him over this....
PrincessPeach Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I don't know why people think it is so important to have so much in common with their SO. It really isn't in my opinion as long as you both enjoy each other's company and get along doing what the other likes without actively being disinterested in the things he is interested in. My boyfriend actually prefers not to have everything in common with the girls he dates. He likes keeping some hobbies which are his own that he can go and do with his guy friends (which is perfectly fine because I don't really want to go do those things anyway ). Of course he has female friends which are into his hobbies and such and he just has no attraction of desire for those girls, he's always just seen them as friends and sin't really able to see them as anything more. It just depends on the type of person you both are whether or not it matters to you whether you have a lot or little in common. Compatibility does not necessarily mean similarity.
Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 4: What would you do if you didn't have to work and money wasn't really an object? How would you spend your time?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 4: What would you do if you didn't have to work and money wasn't really an object? How would you spend your time? Oh that one is easy. Well one would be my current/future job. I love what I do. But aside from that I would love to travel, everywhere in the world if possible. (Thats something i share with him btw, except he has had the chance to travel while I havent yet) I think i would also like to learn something about interior designing. I love a nicely decorated place. I wish i had money to take a class about it. I would also like to learn either yoga or pilates and teach that...i think not only would it be fun but itll keep me in good shape! so many possibilities! But again, they are more like ideas. Once i get down to the gory details, i lose interest
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