HeidiB125 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I need some advice and I'm not sure if I'm making this a bigger deal than it is. Quick background, my husband had an affair with someone he works with and fast forward a year later, he's still working with her. He swears to me that they have absolutely no personal contact and that the little contact they do have is in meetings with other people. Most of their past contact was through his work email and work lunches. Nothing but a few times outside of work. When I first found out about the affair my husband allowed me full access to his email. This could only be done when he brought his computer home. About a month ago I asked him if I could please look at his email again since it has been awhile and I was feeling anxiety about trust issues. He was VERY opposed to it. He first flatly refused and I told him that if he didn't allow this we might as well call it quits. After discussing it further he said that he had some people who might send him personal emails that were not meant for me to see or that I might see something innocent from a woman friend and get upset about it. I told him that in either scenario we could talk about it and that I wouldn't just "react" to what I was seeing but would ask about it. He finally let me look and I did not see anything and as a matter of fact I think it's the NOT finding anything that relieves my anxiety. He has told me that I can look at his email if I want to but I must ask him. He won't give the password so that I can just check it for myself. Now of course he could be deleting anything sent to him so checking it is no guarantee that something is not going on but still am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? I feel this is the last frontier for me...that if I could just have free access to his email that would give me the assurance I needed that nothing is going on that he might be hiding....in his mind, for my own good. Not necessarily "an affair" but even casual contact with this woman. Even as I read this note back, I know we have moved farther past this issue. Why does my mind always want to go back to the hurt and betrayal? How can I KNOW in my heart that he is not doing anything and yet I'm afraid that something is going on that I don't know about.
blair08 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 "he said that he had some people who might send him personal emails that were not meant for me to see or that I might see something innocent from a woman friend and get upset about it". I'm not even sure what the point was for him to tell you this..... The fact that he didn't want you to look, then says the above statement to you, then you find nothing, is kind of odd to me. You could always put a keylogger on the computer to see for sure. Do you think he could find that on there?
taylor Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 The only way you are going to be able to trust your husband again is when he severs all contact with the OW..meaning he leaves his job and finds another one. Until and unless that happens you will continue to have suspicions. Your hustand seems very guarded about his work computer. First of all, there should be nothing on a work computer that should upset you because work computers are designed to hold information that is work-related. If your husband is using the work computer for personal use, he is in violation of company policies. Second, if your husband has personal information on his work computer that he is not willing to share with you, then he is not being upfront with you like he should be in the aftermath of an affair. For you to regain trust, he needs to be TOTALLY transparent at all times. And what good is begging to see his computer emails when you know darn well he's deleted them all before he lets you see them. He can't give you the password because then he loses control over his ability to hide his dirty little secrets. My gut tells me your husband is still involved with this OW. He still works with her and he is still communicating with her and trying to hide that fact from you. Affairs don't end just because the affair gets busted. They end when affair partners sever all ties. Your husband and his OW have not done this yet. Aren't you tired of allowing your husband to see her every day as you play detective wondering how heated up their relationship might be getting? If I were you, I wouldn't put myself in that position. Tell him you will no longer play "police dog" trying to sniff out evidence. Tell him to quit the job and sever all ties with her or you will file for divorce. Go the keylogger route if you are interested in gathering concrete evidence. But, IMO, the writing is already on the wall.
Owl Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 It's his "work laptop". Ergo, a keylogger is most likely out of the question. Taylor is right on the money. As long as he works with her, there's no way for you to rebuild your trust in him. Given that, and given his strong guard-dogging of laptop to his email, I'd strongly suspect he IS still in the affair, or in another one. There is no reason for you to accept this. Make it clear to him that he has NOT rebuilt his trust with you for the reasons I stated...and make it clear that either HE takes the action to do so...or it's a deal breaker for your marriage (if it is...). Don't ASK to see his email. DEMAND it. If he refuses...tell him that he's violating that trust again, and that there's no way your marriage will EVER recover with him doing so. And tell him to get a new job.
travelgirl Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 The problem is, he has NOT ever set up full trust for you. If you knew his password before and now he changed it, that is a RED FLAG. The fact that you need to ask permission clearly shows he is hiding something. And since he mentioned that there "could" be things on there that you would take out of context but when you checked there wasn't anything tells me he is deleting emails before showing you. Since he only contacted OW thru work email and work lunches, what has he done to show you not to worry? My gut tells me he just got sneakier. Do you have access to his cell phone and cell phone records? Do you know anyone in his office that you could ask any questions to? Do you stop at his office often for surprise lunches or just to say hi and feel the vibe? He has no right to be defensive. He lost those rights when he had an affair. If he was and still is remorseful he would be an open book.
Lizzie60 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Sorry but if he was opposed to it.. he has something to hide... come on.. how can you be so gullible.. I don't mean to be harsh but once a cheater.. always a cheater.. plus he's still keeping stuff from you.. really... Even if he changes job.. that wouldn't prevent him totally from being in contact with her.. or any other females for that matter. If you want to get to the bottom of this.. hire a PI. that's the only way you'll find out if he's still lying to you..
2sure Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 After I discovered my husbands affair, one large part of recovery was complete transparency. I hasve access to ALL communications. Its been 2 years, and I hardly ever check things anymore - but I have a lot of security knowing that I could. I recently told him that I dont check them and he said he was still fine with my having access, so we would leave it like that. There is NOTHING wrong with having access. ESPECIALLY in light of the past betrayal. I'm terribly sorry, but its pretty clear your husband is hiding something serious.
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