so hard but i'm getting there..

[lostmaiden]

I was his first love. He was sweet, caring, crazy about me, and worked hard for my happiness for 2 and half years. He has done what a lot of guys couldn't do for me and it was the same for me. Sometimes, I would break up after being insulted by him but he usually came back to me crying within a few days or weeks.

 

This time was different. He was more cold, irritable, emotionally abusive and blamed me for everything. I begged and apologised for my mistakes and then accepted it was over.

 

I spent the past month surrounding myself with friends and grieving over him. One of the girls who comforted me was kind of weird. She said she wished we would get back together and she even said I wasn't as beautiful and perfect as my ex had told her.!?

 

He called me up 2 days ago asking if I was over him so we could be friends. And no prizes for guessing, he's been with that girl for a couple of weeks. I was hurt that he could move on that easily. But the worst thing is that he asked me for advice about her. I still care for him so I listened to his worries and helped him feel better. But when we hung up, I felt very betrayed and cried my heart out. I don't think I could do that again for him.

 

I can't believe I spent a whole month pining for him while he was chasing another girl. I know what we had was very special and he called me because he trusts me. But he is so selfish.. I always overlooked all his flaws but they're all springing up in my mind now.

 

He's 24 (I'm 22). He's a great guy but he's immature, hot-tempered and socially awkward. I remember how he behaved inappropriately to my parents, his parents, my friends and others. Everyone was patient and forgave him for being clueless but now I realise that even if we had continued the relationship, he would make me feel so loved, but he just can't enrich my life because of his flaws.

 

I taught him a lot, helped him build his confidence and social skills. I try to comfort myself that I've given him a precious gift to become a better person.

 

I cooked and baked for him everyday, made handcraft gifts, always had open arms to comfort him when he was upset. I sang songs, danced and did crazy poses just to make him laugh. I even flew 10 hours away on impulse to surprise him when we were on long distance. And he would be hard-pressed to find someone who loves him as much as I do.

 

My best friend told me his guy friends have done stupid things too. They had a girl they really liked and stopped appreciating them and threw them away for another girl. He told me they usually regret it after realising what they lost. Well I hope my ex regrets it one day even though it's too late now.

 

We're both young and have so much growing up and learning to do. I love him so much. I miss him so much. But now only I can and will respect myself during this difficult time. I hope I can find someone much more worthy of me someday.