choosinglove Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Hi, I'm brand new here and more than a little nervous I'll be judged but I appreciate your honest posts and wise and compassionate replies so I'm asking for your assistance. I had an EA for maybe 4 months. Contact for longer but I voluntarily confessed to my DH and broke off all contact with OM but recontacted him twice after a month or so of NC so a lot of the time was NC. The last time I broke off all contact, I confessed EVERY THING to my DH (likely more than I needed-he obsessed over every detail for weeks and I answered and answered) and have spent two months rebuilding and recommitting so I know this one will stick. My Marriage (12 years) has been challenging and please don't hate me, I was much mroe attracted to OM (a former international model) than to DH (not a former model) or as much as my DH is to me. However, I love and respect him deeply and unconditionally and know beyond doubt it's the highest and therefore must be the happiest choice for me to stay (we have two dear boys). I am intensely creative and all of that expression got lost under raising two kids and managing our business and doing service for 12 years. I felt I was half alive. DH is not at all creative nor that interested in my creativity. OM is an artist and lit a fire under my self-expression daily-that was a HUGE part of the appeal. DH is trying but frankly, he's just not that interested in that part of me. And i feel I am dying without expressing that part of me. I was a lifelong artist when we met and I quit all of it to take care of him, the kids and the business. Now I don't have the heart for it because I have it so tied in with OM. I am weeping as I write this. I KNOW i was wrong-I didn't even kiss him intimately but we were physical (inappropriate hugging etc.) and certainly no sex but it was an EA with love letters (emails) etc. I did NOT talk about my marriage much at all and RARELY spoke about my DH to OM unless it was respectful. However, if he did what I did, i would be deeply hurt so I UNDERSTAND. I have listened and listened and sometimes DH has been downright abusive about this. Other times he's great. I was incredibly honest and answered his hundreds of questions about what I did and did not do. All the while I felt like I wanted to die because I missed OM. My question is, my DH keeps talking about this daily (it's been two months of NC, four months since D-Day) and blames and accuses me. I was wrong, I am doing all i can to reestablish trust (goes without saying but i will, I'm an open book-all email accounts open to him etc) How much do I have to listen to before it's ENOUGH? He was distant and withdrawn to me before this happened-it didn't come out of the blue. and still I was WRONG. However, if he keeps this up, I don't know if I'll want to stay. However, about half the time, he's great and much to his credit he saw how he was driving me away and has stopped withdrawing for the most part-which is one of the many things I love about him. But how long do I need to listen to affronts on my morality and how long do I need to sweetly keep opening my emails in front of him and telling him everywhere I went and reassuring him that I have had NC and will continue NC for as long as he says I need to. And how long will I keep hurting deeply for the OM and my own art along with him. I just cannot get myself to create now without him when he's the one who got me creating again after 12 years of little of it? Please help me understand how to help him let it go and to be more patient. Thank you so much!
Mr. Lucky Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Well, I'm going to admit up front that as a BS I may have a biased point of view. Having said that, I'd guess that much of your H's continued angst and hostility is based on the sense of entitlement that your post implies. Your OM is a "model" and your H is not, your creativity was stifled, H is not all that interesting, life and raising kids are tough - none of this addresses why you chose to cheat. And unless and untill you do the work to figure out why you felt your life wasn't worth the effort needed to sustain a marriage, your H probably feels that you could wander off again. Bottom line, he's afraid, and frightened people are angry and defensive. I don't see any mention of MC. What plan are you using to put your marriage back together? Mr. Lucky
Reggie Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Agree with Mr Lucky re the entitlement , jusifying and lack of introspection. Sounds like you are the broken one. What steps are you taking to address your dishonesty, lack of empathy, and cruelty? Also, on the timeframe, have you done no research on recovery? Most therapist that deal with this say it takes 2-5 years to get some semblance of normalcy and trust back. Yet, in only a matter of months, you are growing impatient. Have you written a no contact letter. Have you taken responsibility for getting therapy and marriage counseling? Have you offered your husband access to your cell phone, computer history or other means you used to conducttha affair. I see nothing in your post about any affirmative steps you have taken beyond merely answering questions. Based on the above, it seems apparent you have no understanding of the depth of the pain this causes or the seriousness of such a betrayal. If you need a craetive, male model. for fulfillmet, tell your h so he can get out and find someone that appreciates him On abusiveness, your h is normal, if he lashes out some. Most marital cousnelors and therapist agree that infidelity is the most severe form of spousal, emotional abuse. So , who is the real abusive partner in this relationship? You have done virtually nothing to repair this and yourself as far as I can tell from your post.
Reggie Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Missed the e-mailtransparency. But, the rest stands.
jnj express Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 You have recieved excellent advice so far, be prepared for a long bumpy hard road. You chose to cheat, and break your vows, MANY BS HURT MORE FROM EA THAN PA, what you have done is to disrespect your vows and that doesn't go away. You have to earn your H. trust, and that may take a long time. If the artistic side of you needs cultivating than do so with your H. full knowledge, not sneaking around behind his back. Be prepared for a long period of up and down from your H., and if you feel you cannot handle that, and the quashing of your artistic side, then maybe you should talk to your H. about leaving the mge.
Author choosinglove Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 To all-Thanks for taking the time to reply. To answer Reggie's questions, I have done EVERYTHING you asked and more!!!! I confessed everything without being asked. Yes, I wrote a NC letter. Yes, I have been trying to get my husband to marriage counseling for YEARS. He has not wanted to go but has been willing to. He did go with me a few times but was closed during the sessions and not much shifted. Yes, I gave him full access to every form of communication (email, cell etc). At my request we just did a relationships workshop and workbook and i just enrolled us in another that lasts three days. Yes, I recommitted to him and have been earning his trust in every way ever since. I have been the one to initiate almost every effort to heal our marriage for most of the 12 years. When I told him about the EA, he slapped me and threw me to the floor and then would not let me get up or leave until I crawled away. And you are all (I notice only BS responded) telling me I am the abusive one and have all the many problems you list. Didn't I start the post saying I was WRONG- I know it and I have taken many steps to be there for my husband in every way ever since I ended it and told him everything? Are you REALLY trying to help or just unleash your own anger at me? I'm SORRY for my husband and I'm sorry for your pain as well but I do hope you're more compassionate with your partners. I would really love to hear from others as well as BS. Thanks
Author choosinglove Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 thanks for your post-you gave me information I was lacking and for which i am sincerely looking (and without all the anger which makes it hard to recieve the information). I really didn't understand that EA would be as painful (or more) as PA. I am grateful I didn't let it become a PA as well but need to understand more that the EA is just as bad. It was pretty brief with all the NC but still... Can anyone recommend some good sites on this? Thanks
jnj express Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Go to surviving infidelity.com and no matter what happened between the 2 of you your H. has no right to physically abuse you in any way shape or form. Just be prepared to go all the extra miles, you were the cheater, therefore you basically do have to crawl to make the mge. work.
boldjack Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Cl, I am angry because I have seen (clearer than most) the damage cheating does. I was a serial cheater, worse than you will ever be. Until you truly feel in your soul, the sorrow, shame and horror of what you did, you are a candidate to repeat. You must put your h and children before ALL of your concerns. To mend a bad marriage takes two trusting partners and you are not trustworthy. So what can you do? PROVE YOUR HONESTY...if it takes 2 yrs. or 5 yrs. or how ever long, but it CAN be done, I'm living proof. I am very concerned by your reference to this "international model" thing, are you really that shallow? I hope not. It is VERY hard and VERY brutal, but YOU can be a good woman again, then you will see the world with clean, honest eyes and your art will flow. Good luck to you
troubadour Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 A cheater can never create, a cheater can only destroy. Boldjack... this part is not true. Cheating has been always flying high in artistic circles. Trust me on this... I am a painter with "some" international recognition... artists actually cheat quite often. I am not trying to say that cheating is O.K. I am just stating the fact. But I have to say that "the rest of the world" doesn't seem to be far behind right now.
65tr6 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 about this daily (it's been two months of NC, four months since D-Day) and blames and accuses me. OP, you got some great advice. My wife is in a very similar boat. We are about little more than 5 months into recovery. It was difficult to follow the timeline, so after confession, you broke the NC for a good solid two months ? How did your husband take that ? (I would have been mad as hell) Two months is nothing. You have a long way to go to get the back marriage back on track. How much do I have to listen to before it's ENOUGH? But how long do I need to listen to affronts on my morality and how long do I need to sweetly keep opening my emails in front of him and telling him everywhere I went and reassuring him that I have had NC and will continue NC for as long as he says I need to. And how long will I keep hurting deeply for the OM and my own art along with him. "How long"........The answer....AS LONG AS IT TAKES So you need a quick fix to set your marriage back on the track, just like that ? I have news for you. Wont happen. It is a long struggle from this point on. You understand that you are the one who strayed, right ? (no matter how screwed up/non-creative your husband was) Yes you will have to put with your husband's frustration, anger, morality lectures. You need patience to get through and work through this with your husband. First you will need to maintan complete NC. You will need to go through your withdrawl. Could take upto a year. (It is obvious you still have strong feelings for OM). Be honest, truthful and open with him. Answer any questions he may have for you. Go to marriagebuilders.com and you will find plenty of great articles. There is a questionnaire on meeting each others needs. Both you and your husband may want to fill it out and start working on meeting each others needs. Keep posting here. This is a great place to get great advice.
Reggie Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 It is mind boggling that after only a few months, you are feeling this has gone on long enough. Do some research.
Owl Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 What are you doing to address the issues in your marriage? Are the two of you going to marriage counseling? If not...you need to get there ASAP. MC will provide a SAFE format and arena to work through these issues, and a structure and gameplan to make it happen. And...the abuse in your marriage...needs to END. Yes, you cheated...and you're as wrong as you can possibly be for doing so. But at the same time, there is NO reason you should ever accept physical or mental abuse. He's got to work through his anger at you...and yes that anger is justified. But that doesn't mean that abuse is acceptable by any means. Put a stop to the abuse, first and foremost. Get into MC to help you work through how to recover your marriage. Last thing...forget a "quick fix". It doesn't exist...it typically takes 2-5 YEARS for a marriage to recover from cheating. It took two years for mine to recover, with everything going as textbook perfect as you can get.
taylor Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Hi, I'm brand new here and more than a little nervous I'll be judged but I appreciate your honest posts and wise and compassionate replies so I'm asking for your assistance. I had an EA for maybe 4 months. Contact for longer but I voluntarily confessed to my DH and broke off all contact with OM but recontacted him twice after a month or so of NC so a lot of the time was NC. The last time I broke off all contact, I confessed EVERY THING to my DH (likely more than I needed-he obsessed over every detail for weeks and I answered and answered) and have spent two months rebuilding and recommitting so I know this one will stick. My Marriage (12 years) has been challenging and please don't hate me, I was much mroe attracted to OM (a former international model) than to DH (not a former model) or as much as my DH is to me. However, I love and respect him deeply and unconditionally and know beyond doubt it's the highest and therefore must be the happiest choice for me to stay (we have two dear boys). I am intensely creative and all of that expression got lost under raising two kids and managing our business and doing service for 12 years. I felt I was half alive. DH is not at all creative nor that interested in my creativity. OM is an artist and lit a fire under my self-expression daily-that was a HUGE part of the appeal. DH is trying but frankly, he's just not that interested in that part of me. And i feel I am dying without expressing that part of me. I was a lifelong artist when we met and I quit all of it to take care of him, the kids and the business. Now I don't have the heart for it because I have it so tied in with OM. I am weeping as I write this. I KNOW i was wrong-I didn't even kiss him intimately but we were physical (inappropriate hugging etc.) and certainly no sex but it was an EA with love letters (emails) etc. I did NOT talk about my marriage much at all and RARELY spoke about my DH to OM unless it was respectful. However, if he did what I did, i would be deeply hurt so I UNDERSTAND. I have listened and listened and sometimes DH has been downright abusive about this. Other times he's great. I was incredibly honest and answered his hundreds of questions about what I did and did not do. All the while I felt like I wanted to die because I missed OM. My question is, my DH keeps talking about this daily (it's been two months of NC, four months since D-Day) and blames and accuses me. I was wrong, I am doing all i can to reestablish trust (goes without saying but i will, I'm an open book-all email accounts open to him etc) How much do I have to listen to before it's ENOUGH? He was distant and withdrawn to me before this happened-it didn't come out of the blue. and still I was WRONG. However, if he keeps this up, I don't know if I'll want to stay. However, about half the time, he's great and much to his credit he saw how he was driving me away and has stopped withdrawing for the most part-which is one of the many things I love about him. But how long do I need to listen to affronts on my morality and how long do I need to sweetly keep opening my emails in front of him and telling him everywhere I went and reassuring him that I have had NC and will continue NC for as long as he says I need to. And how long will I keep hurting deeply for the OM and my own art along with him. I just cannot get myself to create now without him when he's the one who got me creating again after 12 years of little of it? Please help me understand how to help him let it go and to be more patient. Thank you so much! Hi ChoosingLove, I had an EA with a coworker that lasted @7 months. Today marks exactly one year since I saw him last and we said goodbye. I recommited to my husband soon after D-day and we have been in marital recovery since then. So I offer the following from one WS to another: You are in pain right now from losing the OM. This withdrawal period is going to last a long time. Your OM, like my OM, made you feel alive...He brought out all the best qualities in you and made them shine. He motivated you to be a better person...be all that you can be. He impacted your life in a way your husband couldn't. My MC told me a spouse can't be EVERYTHING to their partner. That we all look to other people to inspire us, motivate us, validate us, to make us feel good about ourselves. But as married people we need to do this within a framework of platonic relationships. You and I did not do this. We stepped over the line and got attached to another person who impacted our lives so profoundly that we were utterly drawn to them. But the thing is, while this experience..this affair...may have impacted or inspired you in some positive ways, it also hurt you, your marriage and especially your husband in ways that can't be measured. If you want to save your marriage and recommit to your husband, you need to educate yourself and you need to get into marriage counseling and individual counseling. Marital recovery is a complicated thing. It really does help to have a third party involved to guide you thru these troubled waters. The major challenges you will face and need to resolve are these: 1. Withdrawal from the OM. You must go NC with him forever if your marriage has any chance of survival. It hurts like hell but you will have to walk thru it FOR MONTHS in order to break free from your attachment to this man. Recognize the stages of grief because that is what you are dealing with. Learn ways to deal with grief. 2. Re-connect with your husband. This is an arduous task for many couples, but especially couples trying to pick up the pieces of a marriage devastated by an affair. Your husband's pain and hurt is manifesting as anger. Recognize that he, too, is grieving losses...the loss of his marriage as it was, the loss of trust in you, the loss of the innocence of your love. The betrayal to his heart is cutting him like a knife. He is also facing tremendous fear...fear of losing the life he had, the wife he had...fear of the unknown. You may answer all his questions. He may ask them over and over again. It's not enough for him to just hear the answers. He has to process them. That takes time. And he has to ACCEPT the answers. That will take even more time. It will take months for his confusion to clear. And know that he may NEVER forgive. Some betrayed spouses just can't do it. And if he can't, your marriage will never recover fully. You can read a host of books about emotional affairs, women's infidelity, surviving affairs, and marital recovery. You can surf the net for information as well. I recommend a program called "Retrouvaille". My husband and I participated in it early on...perhaps a little too early...but it was a great start to marital recovery. 3.Self-Reflection - You need to look inside yourself and figure out why you chose to have this affair with this particular man. I am still in IC (it's been nearly a year) and I am still discovering things about myself that lead me down that path. My therapist told me to USE the affair to make a positive change. You can too. This OM inspired you...inspired your creative side...brought it into the light. Use the affair as a catalyst. You don't NEED that man to make you "creative." Your creative potential is within you. He just validated it. Go get artistic in the creative circles that you need to to feel alive again..to feel complete...but do it in the framework of platonic relationships. Don't blame your husband for not having the same zeal for artistic expression as you do. Spouses can support your endeavors but it doesn't mean they have to love them. Also, please encourage your husband to seek MC and IC. He needs a way to handle his anger without resorting to physical forms of abuse. No one deserves that. Keep posting.
boldjack Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 CL, I,at no time, advocate physical violence. If your h has resorted to this, then he needs AM counselling. This isn't the movies or old west where your h could go "gun down" the om. Ridiculous.
boldjack Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I also am sorry if you have problems with my more "direct" approach. I believe that people like you need to know (at gut level) the damage they have caused. To get past your infidelity, you must become a more "adult" individual, politically correct, "feel good" advice is no advice at all. MC CAN help, but YOU have to change your mind set, in order for it to have value. You have to do that yourself.
2sure Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 But how long do I need to listen to affronts on my morality and how long do I need to sweetly keep opening my emails in front of him and telling him everywhere I went and reassuring him that I have had NC and will continue NC for as long as he says I need to. Recovery from an affair is a process that takes both parts of the couple. The WS must be remorseful and the BS must want to forgive. How long the process takes depends on how much each partner conributes. Complete Transparency is always required. Your H should have access to all of your modes of communication. Emails and phones. This access should be HIS. He should not need you to open them. He should have all passwords. This is for the marriage. You ask how long you will have to stay NC with the OM?? Forever. Period. Your marriage WILL NOT recover from this as long as you hope the end result will lead to your being able to see OM again.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I confessed EVERY THING to my DH (likely more than I needed-he obsessed over every detail for weeks and I answered and answered) and have spent two months rebuilding and recommitting so I know this one will stick. My Marriage (12 years) has been challenging and please don't hate me, I was much mroe attracted to OM (a former international model) than to DH (not a former model) so basically now your husband is probably feeling highly inadequate since now he knows that any pretty face better than his that comes along and you would probably be on it. so was that it? You just were attracted to this other guy? If thats the case, he isn't the last guy you are going to be attracted to. However, I love and respect him deeply and unconditionally and know beyond doubt it's the highest and therefore must be the happiest choice for me to stay (we have two dear boys). I am intensely creative and all of that expression got lost under raising two kids and managing our business and doing service for 12 years. I felt I was half alive. DH is not at all creative nor that interested in my creativity. so you are blaming him OM is an artist and lit a fire under my self-expression daily-that was a HUGE part of the appeal. DH is trying but frankly, he's just not that interested in that part of me. And i feel I am dying without expressing that part of me. I was a lifelong artist when we met and I quit all of it to take care of him, the kids and the business. Now I don't have the heart for it because I have it so tied in with OM. If you are "so tied in with OM", then you are NOT "giving it your all" as the title would suggest. There will be no recovery if you are still pining for the OM. And as far as the OM making you feel "alive"....well of course. he doesn't have to go through the daily trials of marriage and parenthood with you. He is emotionally available and new. Try your family lifestyle with the OM for a few years, and you'll find the same thing more than likely. I am weeping as I write this. I KNOW i was wrong-I didn't even kiss him intimately but we were physical (inappropriate hugging etc.) and certainly no sex but it was an EA with love letters (emails) etc. I did NOT talk about my marriage much at all and RARELY spoke about my DH to OM unless it was respectful. However, if he did what I did, i would be deeply hurt so I UNDERSTAND. I have listened and listened and sometimes DH has been downright abusive about this. Just about this? he is angry, and justifiably so. I said some pretty nasty things to my x-wife that I thought would NEVER come out of my mouth after i found out she was a cheat. I fairly quickly decided I wasn't going to live like that...hence the "x"-wife part. Now if your husband is physically abusive over this, there is NO excuse for that. But if he yells at you and even calls you names over this...its really to be expected. You betrayed him. Other times he's great. I was incredibly honest and answered his hundreds of questions about what I did and did not do. All the while I felt like I wanted to die because I missed OM. My question is, my DH keeps talking about this daily (it's been two months of NC, four months since D-Day) and blames and accuses me. I was wrong, I am doing all i can to reestablish trust How can you do all you can to reestablish trust when you are still pining for the other man. maybe you need to get over the OM before you can claim you are doing all you can. And of course he talks about this daily. This is one of the more serious blows you could ever deal a spouse. If you think your mind wouldn't be spinning in 100 directions if you found out he betrayed you, then you are sorely mistaken. (goes without saying but i will, I'm an open book-all email accounts open to him etc) How much do I have to listen to before it's ENOUGH? as much as it takes. don't expect to get a free pass quickly. You need to take your lumps if you are truly interested in waiting to see if he can get over this. Because you have exiled him to a LONG TIME of thinking about your betrayal of him. Why should you get off easy and quick when you have sentenced him to this kind of torture that he will be thinking about on a daily basis for a long time. It may be weeks, months, or even a year or two. But make no mistake, even if he comes to a point where he isn't thinking about this on a daily basis, and that day will come, he WILL think about it from time to time and he will reel inside, he just may choose to bottle it up. This is what you have done to him. don't expect him to just get over it. He was distant and withdrawn to me before this happened-it didn't come out of the blue. and still I was WRONG. However, if he keeps this up, I don't know if I'll want to stay. Again, you betrayed him. If you are pining for Mr. Gorgeous, and aren't willing to suffer the consequences of your actions, then he must not be that important to you and you should just get a divorce. People who cheat and want their victim to just "get over it" don't need to be married. The BS needs to be spared from that attitude. However, about half the time, he's great and much to his credit he saw how he was driving me away and has stopped withdrawing for the most part-which is one of the many things I love about him. But how long do I need to listen to affronts on my morality and how long do I need to sweetly keep opening my emails in front of him and telling him everywhere I went and reassuring him that I have had NC and will continue NC for as long as he says I need to. And how long will I keep hurting deeply for the OM and my own art along with him. See, here is the thing, you want him to get over this and are wondering how long you have to put up with this, all the time you are still pining over the other man. Do you not see the unfairness here? If you are going to work on your marriage, then you have to put up with it for as long as it takes. It may take a year or two. Now I wouldn't expect him to feel the need after 2 or 3 years, but everyone is different. But here you are with the attitude that you are "putting up" with his oversight of your activities when you are STILL wanting the other man.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 When I told him about the EA, he slapped me and threw me to the floor and then would not let me get up or leave until I crawled away. cheating or no cheating, physical abuse is unacceptable. Curious, was this the only time he ever put a hand on you like this? Not that it really makes any difference, if someone can hit you once, they will hit you again. If this is a repeat occurrence, I think you need to get the police involved.
2sure Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Whoa. Just caught the physical abuse part. My original advice still stands, but until the both of you come to terms with all of this - you need to leave the house. Has he ever done anything like this before? If so - this is your biggest concern. You need to leave him period. In fact - even if he has never hit you before - the recovery process from infidelity is a hard and stressful time. If this is how he handles stress, it could happen again very soon. You have to get out. Hitting you, is not a freakin option.
Author choosinglove Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Taylor, Owl and others, THANK YOU for taking the time to give me really helpful, compassionate advice-all of which I can act upon immediately and all of which was supportive and positive. Frankly, after several posts where BS just seemed to want to direct their anger at me with no intent whatsoever to educate or support, I was never going to post again. Though I AM looking at ways I've been in denial or minimizing. YOUR posts (and a few others like them) are what I believe this forum is all about and how people HEAL so thank you! My DH and I have really been going it alone these two months (since I established NC and confessed EVERYthing) because my DH is not all that open to other therapists (oddly enough since he's a well respected therapist, himself) though we did do a 10 week home course and we are signed up for a relationships workshop happening soon. I also have not talked about this at length with ANYone to protect my H's reputation. Also, my best friend at the time completely abandoned me right at the time I met the EA person (Do I call him MM or OM?) so i have had noone to talk to. This is my first outreach becuase I just can't keep it inside any longer. I certainly NEVER talk to my DH about my own hurting which has made me want to die at times.Thank you for your compassion for the pain of letting go.I see that I have been unrealistic in my expectations of how long it takes to recover from an EA for my H- i wasn't prepared for the level of anger and hurt and obsessiveness to last at this level for this long. I see I wasn't being realistic at all and that's REALLY helpful to know. I also wasn't expecting to keep plunging into despair myself when it was not a PA and was relatively brieft. I wasn't expecting DH's obsessiveness about every detail. Does it help him for me to tell him every little thing he asks (over and over) or does that just make it more painful? I was told by a few that i told only a bit (like my mother) that I was TOO honest in telling him every little think and it just makes it unneccessarily harder. But I wanted him to trust me again and so I wanted NO secrets between us anymore. I will contact someone i know today and request again that DH and I go to MC and IC. He also has not really talked about it to anyone else and I'm going to encourage him to do so. I have listened for hours and hours and will do so as long as he needs but I think he needs another person who is not involved to listen also. Couples do (after 2-5 years I hear you!) recover entirely from this, right? Again, Taylor and others, THANK YOU!!
lkjh Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Why is it that the people who claim to be the artist and creative ones are the most needy people alive. Everything about your post screams out..........take care of me. You do not need this OM to make you creative, you did not need you H to fill a void in you, you did not need you best friend to comfort. You are a grown adult and the things you have been through so far are not that bad. There are people in this world that live in huts and are forced to watch their children die of easily treatable diseases. You have chosen to cheat and you and you have to be ready for a long and bumpy ride. It will take a couple of years, you can not start crying about a hard couple of months. Also I agree that your H should not slap you but you can not attempt to make him into a abuser because of one incident. Even the court of law recognizes that sometime when people are confronted with extreme emotinal stress they act out of character. It is called heat of passion.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Whoa. Just caught the physical abuse part. My original advice still stands, but until the both of you come to terms with all of this - you need to leave the house. Has he ever done anything like this before? If so - this is your biggest concern. You need to leave him period. In fact - even if he has never hit you before - the recovery process from infidelity is a hard and stressful time. If this is how he handles stress, it could happen again very soon. You have to get out. Hitting you, is not a freakin option. exactly right on all counts. i will say however when I learned of my x-w's affair, I really wanted to slap her in the face. But because of self control, and that I've never laid a hand on any woman ever, I didn't. Telling her to get out was the better option. So while I think he should have spent a night in jail for slapping her, this is the kind of anger that cheating spawns.
reddog63 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I also am sorry if you have problems with my more "direct" approach. I believe that people like you need to know (at gut level) the damage they have caused. To get past your infidelity, you must become a more "adult" individual, politically correct, "feel good" advice is no advice at all. MC CAN help, but YOU have to change your mind set, in order for it to have value. You have to do that yourself. I would not call it a direct approach............I would call it more of a nasty, mean, judgemental approach. I do not see as very constructive. Sure, what she did was wrong. Sure she should be told it is wrong, give her suggestions and answer her questions, tell her the consequences and hurt something like this causes. But keep your nasty tone out of it. Where the hec do you get off saying.........people like you?? Does that not bother anyone esle? Have you walked in her shoes? Now, I am not justifiying her actions but I understand the causes that lead her to her EA. I do not care if you are talking about a preacher's wife, if needs are not met, if communication is bad, or something of a nature that makes one not feel close to their spouse, and after making many attempts to improve the situation without any success (trying to get hubby to go to counseling), then I can at least understand what lead her. Sounds like her husband needs to walk up also. And to hit her and not let her up, etc tells me alot about her husband.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dear Taylor, Owl and others, THANK YOU for taking the time to give me really helpful, compassionate advice-all of which I can act upon immediately and all of which was supportive and positive. Frankly, after several posts where BS just seemed to want to direct their anger at me with no intent whatsoever to educate or support, I was never going to post again. then it means you don't want to hear from people that can tell you what is more than likely going on in your husband's mind You don't seem to want to know what he is thinking....you just want him to get over it. You are being told, at least by me anyway because I have been in your husband's shoes(minus the slapping) that this is going to stay with him for a long time and if you are truly committed to the marriage, then you need to put up with it for a long time and not only put up with it, but in an understanding way. Because I guarantee if he did this to you, you wouldn't trust one move he made for a LONG time. Also, my best friend at the time completely abandoned me right at the time I met the EA person (Do I call him MM or OM?) so i have had noone to talk to. so this other guy is married too?? well this just keeps getting better. And did your friend abandon you because of your EA? I see that I have been unrealistic in my expectations of how long it takes to recover from an EA for my H- i wasn't prepared for the level of anger and hurt and obsessiveness to last at this level for this long. Glad you are now at that realization. A few months is nothing. Definitely not enough time for him to start settling down about it. I see I wasn't being realistic at all and that's REALLY helpful to know. I also wasn't expecting to keep plunging into despair myself when it was not a PA and was relatively brieft. I wasn't expecting DH's obsessiveness about every detail. Does it help him for me to tell him every little thing he asks (over and over) or does that just make it more painful? If he asks, out of honesty and openess, you must tell him. I think it makes it more painful. When someone is betrayed, they obsess over it, they want details because they want to know everything...but knowing everything will hurt. I wanted all the details....but then later I realized I didn't want all the details, I just knew after the shock was over that I didn't want her any longer and details were irrelevent. I was told by a few that i told only a bit (like my mother) that I was TOO honest in telling him every little think and it just makes it unneccessarily harder. But I wanted him to trust me again and so I wanted NO secrets between us anymore. I will contact someone i know today and request again that DH and I go to MC and IC. He also has not really talked about it to anyone else and I'm going to encourage him to do so. Thats going to be hard. You have emasculated him. Its embarrassing for him. You fell for a man that, assuming by your own words, is an adonis. How can he compete with that? He is humiliated. Of course he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it. And if he does open up to someone else, you might not like what he is telling them. I have listened for hours and hours and will do so as long as he needs but I think he needs another person who is not involved to listen also. Couples do (after 2-5 years I hear you!) recover entirely from this, right? Oh there are stories out there that say 100% recovery is possible. But I think those are rare. I believe in most cases, even if your husband stops thinking about this on a daily basis, there will ALWAYS be some small part of him that will never trust you 100% again.
Recommended Posts