After 1-yr of marriage, Husband tells me he has herpes

March 17, 2009

Thank you, Trimmer and SoulSearch!!!!!

March 17, 2009

Yes, an undisclosed STD would be grounds for annulment. Did nobody read what I posted from the Colorado law book? Maybe it's different in other states.

That's what I have been saying all along. Most, if not virtually all states, do not recognize STD as a groud for annulment of a marriage.

March 17, 2009

Other than repetition, and the sheer force of your fingers against the keys, do you have any credentials to back up why it matters what YOU think?

Do you think I would have been so confident and have used "sheer force" if I don't have the credentials to back up my claim?

March 17, 2009

That's what I have been saying all along. Most, if not virtually all states, do not recognize STD as grounds for annulment of a marriage.

OK, well I've actually posted proof to back up MY claim. Where's yours to back up "most?"

March 17, 2009

Do you think I would have been so confident and have used "sheer force" if I don't have the credentials to back up my claim?

BWAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Dude.... it's the internet! Everyone with a big mouth is an expert.

(Wait, are you actually Dick Cheney, posting from an "undisclosed location?")

March 17, 2009

You all have been going back & forth about a lot of things on here......

It's an interesting read!

Original Poster..........Where are you in all of this. Haven't heard from you for a while. What has happened? Any new developments?

Not that it matters........But, I agree - He shouldn't have lied to you. If what you post on here is true - that he has had it for 15 years....Surely he has had to tell other girlfriends prior to you. (meaning, he has practiced the embarrassing speech) ~

And what others have said is true - It isn't a death sentance...just an uncomfortable annoyance (for most who have it)..........but that's not the point~~ the lying is.

How about an update!

March 28, 2009

"for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part".
Marriage and life is not easy, this is a curve ball it's throwing at you. You decided to take this major step in life. Don't become a statistic. Work on it. You promised each other. It's not all about happiness and good times. This is a test of your commitment. Nobody said it would be easy.

You must be kidding me. "for sickness and in health" means you'll care for each other should one of you become sick during the marriage. it does not mean its ok to put someone else's health at risk with a life-long virus with no cure by giving them NO say in making their own decision as to whether or not they WANT to be in a marriage that deals with this issue. It puts her at risk, it puts children at risk that pass through her birth canal if she has outbreaks, and a plethora of other concerns.

This man is pathetic and disgusts me. This isnt a "curve ball" that life threw at her. This is outright deceipt in the most horrible manner I can imagine- to put another person's health at risk without giving them the option to make their own informed decision about it BEFORE they got married. What if he had had HIV? Would it be still ok that he lied?

People like you digust me. Perhaps you will be so kind as to have a partner one day who randomly shares that she has some incurable virus she has knowingly transmitted to you, and we'll see how you like it.

March 28, 2009

The time I've known him, I've never seen him take medication nor have I ever noticed a rash. Our first year of dating, we had protected sex. When we no longer had protected sex, he told me that ours was the first time he has ever had unprotected sex - he claims to have ALWAYS worn a condom.
The other day, when I found out about the herpes and confronted him about this, he claims that he has always worn a condom (until us) and that he contracted the disease by wearing a condom. He claims he hasn't had a break-out in about 6-years.

I don't believe him, and I too, wonder, if he had an affair and contracted the virus more recently.

My whole issue is with the lie; the deceit; the lack of character...and all else. Herpes isn't life threatening, but a marriage that is riddled with lies and deceit is threatening. How do I ever believe; he is supposed to be my life partner - how do I trust him. Does he have my back?? I have to say "no".

Life threatening no.....but outbreaks can be very painful, and depending on frequency, your personal immune system, and how you respond to treatments, really difficult to deal with. it is something that would have been a deal breaker for me in a relationship, Im sorry. Regardless, the bigger concern is that he took a health -related concern that wold affect you and LIED boldly to your face, so what else could he lie about?

i think putting someone else at risk for a virus, even if not life threatening, is absolutely reprehensible. That is not love. That is cowardice. If he lied about something liek this, he can lie about anything "so he won't lose you"

March 28, 2009

Do you think I would have been so confident and have used "sheer force" if I don't have the credentials to back up my claim?

I for one would love to know what those credentials are. Please do share.

March 28, 2009

Rodin G-town, I'm sorry that you have herpes, but a guy who deceives a woman like that deserves to get dumped and hung out to dry.

Without going into much detail. I've always advocated for making marriages work. I'm old school like that. I believe that too many people are just lazy and don't want to face the problems head on. They lack integrity. I'm not judging those who say "run".

In MY opinion, marriage is a life long commitment. if you were that worried about STDs then you would've asked for both of you to get tested BEFORE sleeping with him for the first time. I think you're using this act as a scapegoat to justify your wanting to leave the marriage. I'm willing to bet that it's hit a stagnant point where you're not feeling completely inamoured with him anyway and this just gives you the perfect social leverage to leave.

If you're this serious about getting a divorce then maybe you shouldn't have said I do in the first place. Did you go into this marriage thinking "if it doesn't work out, then I can always get a divorce"? Or "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this man"? To me, the true test of integrity is when you keep your word even if it's no longer fun or convenient.

"Well, he lied too / he went in without full disclosure / he hid the truth about his illness" are all things HE did. HE broke HIS promise, does that mean it's ok for you to break yours? No. You're responsible for your own promises, he's responsible for his, he should now work to atone for his mistakes.

March 28, 2009

Rodin G-town, I'm sorry that you have herpes, but a guy who deceives a woman like that deserves to get dumped and hung out to dry.

Yes. And his lying to her about it means that she is free to cancel the contract of marriage as it was not entered into in good faith and with full disclosure.

I wonder where the OP is?

March 28, 2009

Oh My Goodness........You all here......Seriously
You are telling her to pack & leave. Of all the absurd things.....

I have had herpes for 10 years-maybe longer. Have been married - 28 years. My husband has NEVER had an episode. Herpes is NOT a death sentance. It's uncomfortable when there is a flare up - but for crying out loud....Do your homework people - before you start telling someone to get out of a relationship. More than 50% of the adult population carries this. (1 in 3) Most don't even know they have it.

Now, Yes, I agree it was not right for him to keep this information from you - But be sympathetic. It's down right embarrassing to have to tell someone. He should have told you. But if you love him - Seriously. I'd think this would be something you could work thru.

I too have it. I got it 11yrs ago from a gang rape. My outbreaks are about every 3yrs. I too didn't tell my H I had it at first. But to be honest I didn't even think about it. I wasn't trying to be dishonest. I just simply forgot I had it. About 1yr into our marriage it hit me that I never told him. I tearfully told him about it and he understood. He never caught it in our 6yrs of marriage. Many people have it and it shouldn't split up a marriage(unless you don't love him). It isn't the easiest thing to talk about to someone, at least you know now to be careful. Honestly, your chances of catching it are extremely low if he isn't having an active break out...so it wasn't like he was putting you at risk. Don't be so hard on him...unless you were just looking for a way out.

March 28, 2009

You are right, Angie. SHINGLES is not EQUAL to GENITAL HERPES, however they are both HERPES. One HERPES ZOSTER(shingles) and the other is HERPES SIMPLEX 2(genital herpes). Yes, there is a vaccine.

For Genital herpes????

Yeah, you're off on that info, there isn't. Not for HSV1 or 2 or for shingles.

Many trials, no evidence of a cure or prevention.

The vaccine is for HPV, and even then- it only prevents a fraction of the strains that cause cervical cancer.... and it isn't 100%.

Herpes is a complex virus- there is no cure.

The question is really about lying with regard to him having it and whether or not the OP is prepared to stay with her husband or not. It's up to her, it's her decision.

March 29, 2009

Wow! You all had dated for 3 years and you never knew until now!

Not to sound harsh, but if he can keep something like that from you for 3 years, imagine what else he could keep from you.

The way I see it, he purposly has probably given you something you could have for the rest of your life and didn't even give you a choice in the manner, all for selfish reasons. Get yourself checked.

WOW just wow ! I agree with you 100% I also think the husband has gotten it RECENTLY and is LYING about how long he's had it. There is no way you would have missed his breakouts and you would have certainly been infected some time ago.

March 29, 2009

There is no way you would have missed his breakouts and you would have certainly been infected some time ago.

So untrue. I have been with my H 7yrs in total and he never caught it. My Aunt also told me she caught it from an ex boyfriend in college. Her H never caught it from her and they have now been married 28yrs together 35yrs.

May 6, 2009

For people out there who thinks that the husband lied because he didn't care, it's not true! He does love her, very much, which is why he couldn't tell her the truth. I know about the guilt and pain that he is going through, and believe me it's not a good feeling to hate yourself.

I too, hid H from my husband and I'm suffering everyday because of it. He yells, screams, curse at me when he gets frustrated, and I take it all because I feel so much guilt. He does not have it, and does not want to get it. It's been over 6 months since I told him about it, but everyday is hell for us. I never wanted to hurt my husband, but I did by keeping H a secret from him. Keeping secrets from my loved ones is something i will never do again, but I feel stupid that it took me this long to figure it out.

I learned a great lesson from all of this and perhaps the husband did as well. Only time will tell what will happen to us and them but I believe that we grow as a person through life lesson learned.

May 6, 2009

the survival of our marriage is something that we are both still trying to figure out. i don't know if he can ever completely forgive me for what i did, and i don't know how much longer i could go on accepting his anger and hurtful attitude towards me. we are seeking help professionally to try and sort out this mess.

stupid or not, i'm still hopeful that we could move forward and work things out. but you're right, love and trust do go together, but the thought of being rejected by a loved one was really painful for me. i am not excusing what i did, just letting you know what i felt at the time. of course, i've learned my lesson from what happened, and whatever happens in the future, i will never put anyone & myself through this type of predicament again.

May 6, 2009

I'm leery of posting links, because so many destinations end up with ads associated. But, if you google: annulment law "sexually transmitted" with the quotes as shown, the first article "Annulment Law" at expertlaw dot com is written by an attorney, and lists concealment of an STD as a circumstance under which annulments are "typically available." Lots of other sources mention this (notably a Nolo Press article that is found at a number of sites, including Nolo, Findlaw, etc...) but this is appartenly straight from an attorney.

Doesn't sound like there are kids involved. Absent some complicated community property situation, why would an annulment be preferabe to a simple divorce if that's what she decided she wanted?

Mr. Lucky

May 7, 2009

For people out there who thinks that the husband lied because he didn't care, it's not true! He does love her, very much, which is why he couldn't tell her the truth. I know about the guilt and pain that he is going through, and believe me it's not a good feeling to hate yourself.

I too, hid H from my husband and I'm suffering everyday because of it. He yells, screams, curse at me when he gets frustrated, and I take it all because I feel so much guilt. He does not have it, and does not want to get it. It's been over 6 months since I told him about it, but everyday is hell for us. I never wanted to hurt my husband, but I did by keeping H a secret from him. Keeping secrets from my loved ones is something i will never do again, but I feel stupid that it took me this long to figure it out.

I learned a great lesson from all of this and perhaps the husband did as well. Only time will tell what will happen to us and them but I believe that we grow as a person through life lesson learned.

While I feel for you, I can't condone the claim of not telling because you care. I just can't. Sure, noone dies from Herpes (I get the lip blister myself), but it should have been disclosed. Period.

Waiting until marriage gives the person that is told belatedly that you didn't tell until after the marriage because you figured the person was stuck with you or less likely to leave. Not true. The law is clearly on the side of the deceived in these cases.

I can only imagine how hurt you are by your husband's reaction to the news. But I can only imagine how disgusted he feels too, to know that you put him at risk for something he didn't think he was at risk for and probably never wanted and figured that being married kept him from getting - only to find out that he was lied to by omission and he is very much at risk of getting an incurable and painful SEXUALLY transmitted disease.

When you didn't tell him before the marriage or even before you even had sex with him the first time, he probably feels violated. If the roles were reversed, you probably would too.

I don't know what to tell you regarding the survival of your marriage. This is a pretty big offense to me. There are truly some things that should be said before ever getting into bed with someone, let alone marrying them.

Your H is not justified in his verbal abuse of you, though. That's something that he needs to get a handle on.

Why didn't you tell him? The real reason?

May 7, 2009

Why didn't you tell him? The real reason?

I'm also curious about the circumstances of how and when you did tell him. That's got to be one tough conversation...

Mr. Lucky

May 7, 2009

I read through this and I am wondering where the poster is? What happened in the end?

If you come back update us please.

Best wishes

May 7, 2009

While I feel for you, I can't condone the claim of not telling because you care. I just can't. Sure, noone dies from Herpes (I get the lip blister myself), but it should have been disclosed. Period.

Waiting until marriage gives the person that is told belatedly that you didn't tell until after the marriage because you figured the person was stuck with you or less likely to leave. Not true. The law is clearly on the side of the deceived in these cases.

I can only imagine how hurt you are by your husband's reaction to the news. But I can only imagine how disgusted he feels too, to know that you put him at risk for something he didn't think he was at risk for and probably never wanted and figured that being married kept him from getting - only to find out that he was lied to by omission and he is very much at risk of getting an incurable and painful SEXUALLY transmitted disease.

When you didn't tell him before the marriage or even before you even had sex with him the first time, he probably feels violated. If the roles were reversed, you probably would too.

I don't know what to tell you regarding the survival of your marriage. This is a pretty big offense to me. There are truly some things that should be said before ever getting into bed with someone, let alone marrying them.

Your H is not justified in his verbal abuse of you, though. That's something that he needs to get a handle on.

Why didn't you tell him? The real reason?

I was afraid of being rejected at the time. I have always been the person who got dumped in relationships and I just didn't want that to happen again. Also, in my mind, I think I managed to convince myself that H is an issue that we could work through, and not such a huge issue which would cause our relationship to fall apart. I thought that my husband would love me NO MATTER WHAT and would be able to accept me. My husband has a lot of personal issues that he is struggling with also. He has Bipolar disease (and other issues) and it's been uncontrolled for the first few years of our relationship. But I accepted him for that. I accepted his shortcomings, and issues even though other people would be turned off by it. So I guess I thought that he could do the same with me.

It was horrible the way I told my husband about my H, it was right after we got married (weeks) and I guess the stress of the wedding, warm climate, food I was eating, caused me to have an outbreak. I stayed away from being intimate with him, and he was so upset. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with him. He thought I just didn't care about him, that I wasn't attracted to him; so I told him the truth. I really don't want him to get it, so I fessed up. He was angry, hurt and outraged, but also confused. We thought we could get thru it, but he can't get over it. He's still angry, hurt, and outraged. He has some other issues in his life that he's working on, and it didn't help that I betrayed him.

For me, H is a matter of having outbreaks 1-2x a year, which makes me lucky in a way because I know others get it way more frequent than that. I guess I trivialized the impact that H could have on my husband.

Now, I don't know what's going to happen. He wants to sell the house, and move out. But at the same time, he was hurt when I told him that I was looking for a job out of the city. He doesn't want me to work somewhere else, but he treats me like a leper in our house. So, we're booked for couselling next week, and I guess we're just waiting to see what will happen.

May 8, 2009

Now, I don't know what's going to happen. He wants to sell the house, and move out. But at the same time, he was hurt when I told him that I was looking for a job out of the city. He doesn't want me to work somewhere else, but he treats me like a leper in our house. So, we're booked for couselling next week, and I guess we're just waiting to see what will happen.

Since the original poster disappeared! Where'd ya go Square?

Your husband treating you like a leper is totally uncalled for. Have you presented him with any information about H? Have you told him that the odds of him contracting it (If you're careful) is pretty low.

I've had mine for 10+ years - maybe longer - can't remember. My husband has NEVER contracted it. We're careful.

Try explaining it to him again.

I understand that the lie part of all of this is a huge deal for some. But, IF he truly loves you - then he maybe could come to understand. Otherwise, maybe he was looking for an OUT in tha marriage. Seems awful quick to pull the plug in my opinion.

May 8, 2009

Since the original poster disappeared! Where'd ya go Square?

Your husband treating you like a leper is totally uncalled for. Have you presented him with any information about H? Have you told him that the odds of him contracting it (If you're careful) is pretty low.
I've had mine for 10+ years - maybe longer - can't remember. My husband has NEVER contracted it. We're careful.
Try explaining it to him again.

I understand that the lie part of all of this is a huge deal for some. But, IF he truly loves you - then he maybe could come to understand. Otherwise, maybe he was looking for an OUT in tha marriage. Seems awful quick to pull the plug in my opinion.

We have done a lot of research on H and he has read almost all the blogs/posts on it online. I started suppressant therapy of Valtrex daily but the fact that he could catch it at anytime, he said is enough to turn him off sex forever.

So that was that, I didn't push the subject anymore. I don't like being pushed away and rejected, then spoken to when he feels like talking to me. I told him that H is not something that only promiscous people get, but also people like me who were in committed relationships with others who had it and didn't know it got it. For all I know he could've given me something without knowing it too. But he said that he just doesn't know if he can change the way he thinks about the subject. He doesn't know if he can accept that he might catch it at some point down the line.

I'm glad to hear though that your husband was understanding in your situation. I could only wish that I would be as lucky as you.

May 8, 2009

Oh - I'm so sorry. (hug)

Is there a possibility he'll come around?

Have you already split up?

Are you sure that its not something else & he's using this as a definite out?

wow - my heart goes out to you.

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After 1-yr of marriage, Husband tells me he has herpes

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