After 1-yr of marriage, Husband tells me he has herpes

March 12, 2009

We dated 3 years and 3 months and have been married 11 months and 2-weeks.

The last 2-days, my husband has been acting very distant and solemn. I demanded to know what was troubling him. He started crying and begging me not to leave him. I became very frightened, thinking what in the hell has he done to make him act like this. Then he told me..."I have herpes; have had it for 15-years, since I was 22, and I never told you because I was afraid of losing you".

Needless to say, I was shocked, mad, angry, hurt, etc.... This is the most selfish thing anyone has ever done to me. He is a very selfish man and the only reason he told me is because he had an occurrence and had to seek medical attention. I don't want to be with him right now; I don't want to seek counseling because I don't have faith that it will work. I don't see how I can share my life with someone who was so callous about my well-being; such deceit; such betrayal.

March 12, 2009

That's a pretty serious issue. Eventually, if you remain married long enough, you will contract herpes, too.

I guess the key factor in whether to stay is how much you love your husband. You need to weigh all the advantages of being married against the disadvantages of being divorced.

In moral terms, adultery is the only reason to initiate a divorce, but a viral STD comes pretty close. I guess in our day and age it boils down to the question of whether you can live with him or not. That's a personal question you'll have to answer for yourself.

I do suggest visiting your gynecologist for a complete STD screen. There are other diseases you husband could have given you also--like HPV, hepatitis and HIV which can be life-threatening. Also I recommend getting the Gardasil vaccine.

March 12, 2009

I'm really surprised you didn't go up side his mellon with a big stick! To NOT tell your SO that you have an STD is pretty much the lowest thing there is. You don't have kids, so I would run, don't walk to the nearest exit and get the **** out of there. This man doesn't love you even a little bit. Sorry, but there is no way you can sugar-coat this. And by ALL means GET TESTED!!!

March 12, 2009

I usually don't ever tell anyone to divorce someone because I don't think that is my call. But in this case....I don't see how the marriage can be reconciled as he neglected to tell you something of major importance.

To not tell you that he has herpes and has had it for 15 years is cowardly and despicable. He sacrificed your health for his happiness. Yuck.

I hope you have had that blood test that can tell if you have it whether or not you've ever had a breakout.

So selfish. I was thinking that he just found out he had it, but he's known for 15 years and didn't tell you in three years of dating!!! Just...WOW.

March 12, 2009

I usually don't ever tell anyone to divorce someone because I don't think that is my call. But in this case....I don't see how the marriage can be reconciled as he neglected to tell you something of major importance.

To not tell you that he has herpes and has had it for 15 years is cowardly and despicable. He sacrificed your health for his happiness. Yuck.

I hope you have had that blood test that can tell if you have it whether or not you've ever had a breakout.

So selfish. I was thinking that he just found out he had it, but he's known for 15 years and didn't tell you in three years of dating!!! Just...WOW.

Or so he says anyway...

March 12, 2009

Or so he says anyway...

That's what I was thinking too.

Either way, this guy is a sad sack and I wouldn't hang around for his next heart tugging lie.

Whether he's had it for eight months vs. 15 years, my health would have been compromised while he knew about it and didn't bother to protect me.

Deal breaker. Married or not. How could anyone trust someone that does something like that to them?!

March 12, 2009

omg im so sorry your in this situation love, ok check this out..... i know your husband totally loves you because he was so scared to tell you cus there was a 50 percent chance he didnt know what would have happened. its embarrassing shameful just anything horrible you can think of he felt for the whole time you guys have been together this has always been something he wanted to bring up to you but couldn't have the heart to tell you. trust me love he loves you deeply but this is such a hard part of life to just throw out there i know everyone is going to say im crazy but if i were in his shoes i cant say id do anything different. thats what this all comes down to.... please please please think of things i know you love him and he loves you it was wrong he should have told you dont get me wrong but i understand and you need to understand that this was prob one of the hardest things he's ever had to decide to keep from you and it was out of guilt shame embarrassment etc..... please really try and b his friend right now and understand please i beg you.....he's scared hurting and feeling awful right about now....

March 12, 2009

i know your husband totally loves you because he was so scared to tell you cus there was a 50 percent chance he didnt know what would have happened.

So, "I'll risk infecting you because I don't want to lose you" is a demonstration of true love?

please please please think of things i know you love him and he loves you it was wrong he should have told you dont get me wrong but i understand and you need to understand that this was prob one of the hardest things he's ever had to decide to keep from you and it was out of guilt shame embarrassment etc..... please really try and b his friend right now and understand please i beg you.....he's scared hurting and feeling awful right about now....

Sorry, but no.

The phrase "hardest thing he's ever had to do" is, in my mind, reserved for an act that shows some kind of courage and inner strength. The lack of those is demonstrated by the decision he made to endanger her health. And to say "the hardest thing he's ever had to keep from you" is just silly.

He didn't have to keep it from her - he decided to... not out of courage, but out of weakness and lack of character. I could see giving him the benefit of the doubt and some sympathy about whether and how to bring it up before they had sex, but the minute he decided to put his penis into her vagina without telling her he crossed the line. There's nothing sympathetic, or courageous about that, and any "hurting" he's doing now is of his own making, and completely unworthy of sympathy.

I think you should not judge him by how bad he feels about the stupid thing he has done. His remorse won't kill a single virus, and anyway, you can't distinguish between true remorse for his stupid act of omission, and his selfish grief over what he's about to lose.

I think you need to judge him by the act of omission itself - an act committed with full knowledge of the potential consequences to his partner's health.

... i know everyone is going to say im crazy but if i were in his shoes i cant say id do anything different.

OK then, yes, that behavior would be crazy. What justification can there possibly be for risking infecting someone with herpes, for personal gain, when you have full knowledge of the situation and the ability to disclose it by just saying "hey, I need to tell you..." beforehand.

And no, "I did it for love" doesn't work for me. That really is crazy.

March 12, 2009

I agree it was wrong for him to not tell you and surprised you don't have it yourself. twenty-five percent of the people who have it, don't know they have it.

Also, it's not like HIV either. Read up on the disease. It's basically a rash that last for a few days, which over time can only happen once a year if that. To leave someone over this is kind of harsh. Why not try marriage counseling?

March 12, 2009

Wow! You all had dated for 3 years and you never knew until now!

Not to sound harsh, but if he can keep something like that from you for 3 years, imagine what else he could keep from you.

The way I see it, he purposly has probably given you something you could have for the rest of your life and didn't even give you a choice in the manner, all for selfish reasons. Get yourself checked.

March 12, 2009

"for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part".

Marriage and life is not easy, this is a curve ball it's throwing at you. You decided to take this major step in life. Don't become a statistic. Work on it. You promised each other. It's not all about happiness and good times. This is a test of your commitment. Nobody said it would be easy.

March 12, 2009

Tough call on this! I can't really say one way or the other what you should do, because its your call and something you'll either have to accept and live with or not.

I would at least weigh some options and take some things into consideration.

Like him lying to you. The fact he comes across as a needy person if he felt the need to lie just to keep you! I mean he did say he thought you would leave him if you knew.

The other thing to is, if he can lie about that he can possibly lie about even worse things probably. I think all people have the right to know if their partner has an STD, some can be life threatening or have pretty bad effects on the body. Its one thing if a person does NOT know they have something (which can be common) but quite another if they DO know and choose not to tell their partner.

March 12, 2009

Hum.. we're not in your shoes..

Eventhough, it was very selfish of him not to tell you.. I can understand why... He fell in love with you.. and was too scared to lose you.. cause he very well know that he WOULD have lost you, early in the relationship.

If I were you, and would be really in love with this man.. I would tell him to wear a condom for the rest of his life with me.. and there would be no oral... either that or he's on his own..

March 12, 2009

Some will tell you he didn't tell you, out of love and respect,and some will tell you he didn't tell you out of selfishness and disrespect...but what matters is, whatever the reason YOU think was that he didn't tell you. Afterall, its YOU that will either choose to live with him and work on this issue or not.

Good luck!

March 12, 2009

Oh My Goodness........You all here......Seriously

You are telling her to pack & leave. Of all the absurd things.....

I have had herpes for 10 years-maybe longer. Have been married - 28 years. My husband has NEVER had an episode. Herpes is NOT a death sentance. It's uncomfortable when there is a flare up - but for crying out loud....Do your homework people - before you start telling someone to get out of a relationship. More than 50% of the adult population carries this. (1 in 3) Most don't even know they have it.

Now, Yes, I agreee it was not right for him to keep this information from you - But be sympathetic. It's down right embarrassing to have to tell someone. He should have told you. But if you love him - Seriously. I'd think this would be something you could work thru.

March 12, 2009

Another possibility is that he just contracted herpes through an affair, and is lying to you about "having had it for 15 years." If this is true, you absolutely have the moral right to divorce him.

I'm surprised that you haven't contracted herpes after a year of marriage, then all of a sudden your husband comes down with it. That makes me suspicious. And you?

A condom does not offer adequate protection against herpes. The only real protection is abstinence.

March 12, 2009

Just out of curiosty...the three years you have been with him, you have never seen him take any meds for that? No prescription for anything for that or anything?

He just all of a sudden had to seek medical attention for it?

March 12, 2009

"for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part".
Marriage and life is not easy, this is a curve ball it's throwing at you. You decided to take this major step in life. Don't become a statistic. Work on it. You promised each other. It's not all about happiness and good times. This is a test of your commitment. Nobody said it would be easy.

I disagree. Contracts are rendered null and void if they're made on dishonest premises - and in this case, her H knowingly withheld important information from her fully cognisant of the consequences (in fact, out of fear of the consequences). It was not an act of negligence, it was an act of deliberate deceit. This has nothing to do with their commitment to their marital vows - had he picked up the herpes (through some innocent route - eg kissing his mother who had a cold sore, and getting a cold sore himself) subsequent to the marriage, that would fall under the ambit of the vows. This was a preexisting condition he chose to lie (through omission) about. It renders those vows mull and void.

I agree that herpes need not be the life sentence it once was - medical science has advanced and there are now better treatments that, given timeously, can do wonders to minimise the impact and occurrence of future outbreaks. That said, it is still an extremely painful condition for which there is no cure, and anything from stress to sunlight can cause an outbreak once the virus has taken up residence.

To my mind, the herpes is bad enough, but the lie is unforgivable. I'd boot him for that alone.

March 12, 2009

Good point OWoman........

Have you ever seen him take meds? Have you ever seen a "rash"?

If you've known him for that long - I'd think you would notice things like that?

So, some of you may be right - He may have JUST contracted it thru an affair & this is an excellent way for him to cover that up.

I'd suggest you make a very long list of questions & sit down & make him answer each & every one. You'll know if he's lying.

March 12, 2009

That he of his own free will decided not to disclose his condition to you is a problem. Whether or not it's a deal breaker I cannot say, I would tend to think that should depend on if this is just one of many issues or if it's stand-alone.

That said, those who are flipping out as though Herpes were a death sentence should do a little research.

Herpes comes in 2 flavors.

HSV-1 and HSV-2.

HSV-1 typically infects the mouth and is commonly known as "cold sores". Most of us have it, and it's said that we will all eventually get it should we live long enough. I myself have had it since I was a child, and have never felt the need to "disclose" my infection to a partner (neither did I hide it, however) as so many people have it, it's more reasonable to assume that any given individual does than does not. It occasionally infects the genitals as well.

HSV-2 typically infects the genitals, about 1 in 5 adult men are infected and about 1 in 4 adult women. About 80% of people who have it do not know as they've never had an outbreak, or they had one that was so mild that it went unnoticed. Doctors do not consider HSV infection to be medically significant, and will typically not test for it unless specifically requested to, even as part of a general STD screen. From the research I've done on the topic, the disease generally is not contagious except during an active outbreak, though there is considerable debate that it may be contagious for a day or three before the breakout actually occurs. Condom use during sex offers some protection, but not much, in fact the disease can be spread sans sexual activity of any kind.

HSV-1 infection seems to provide a measure of protection against HSV-2, but it's not absolute nor does it seem to be a well understood phenomenon.

To the OP, as I've said, your HB's dishonesty is a factor here, and something I think needs addressing, but HSV is, at the end of the day, not really that big of a deal. It is possible you've been infected, symptom free, for years. It is possible you are uninfected. Speaking only for myself, those two options would seem to be the same thing.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, nor do I have an HSV-2 infection as far as I know. I have merely done a lot of research on the topic.

March 12, 2009

Oh My Goodness........You all here......Seriously
You are telling her to pack & leave. Of all the absurd things.....

I have had herpes for 10 years-maybe longer. Have been married - 28 years. My husband has NEVER had an episode. Herpes is NOT a death sentance. It's uncomfortable when there is a flare up - but for crying out loud....Do your homework people - before you start telling someone to get out of a relationship.

I want to make a point here - yes, a number of posters have suggested packing and leaving and others (including me) have made strong statements against this as a kind of an intentional betrayal, but nobody that I can see has overstated the specific health risks involved. The strongest statements I can see are things like damaged your health, risked your health, infected you... Nobody has claimed it was a death sentence or anything close.

Those who have spoken strongly have based their concerns largely on the intentional, willful lie: I don't want to lose you, so I will accomplish that by hiding something that I KNOW you would believe you deserved to be aware of, specifically because I KNOW it might factor into your decision to stay with me.

Now, Yes, I agreee it was not right for him to keep this information from you - But be sympathetic. It's down right embarrassing to have to tell someone. He should have told you. But if you love him - Seriously. I'd think this would be something you could work thru.

I'm half and half on this one. I have NO sympathy for him. An STD is something that must be disclosed before the first time you have sex (let alone marriage.) That's just non-negotiable, and embarrassment - while real, and understandable - does not mitigate that responsibility in the slightest.

On the other hand, if she were truly inclined to work through it - if she can convince herself that she is truly in love with him (you know - that deep, true, pure love that would drive you to lie to hide an STD from your partner to avoid losing them...) - then I wouldn't think it impossible.

But she would want to consider what this means - to her - about her trust in him. When the going gets tough, does he really have the courage to do the right thing?

And she still needs to consider the real possibility that's been raised that this is not a 15-year old infection, but something much newer. Crazy, you say? Why would anyone concoct such an outrageous story to cover an affair? Well, if we're to believe the original story, he's crazy enough to date her for 3 years and be married to her for 1 before revealing his lifelong STD. Either way, he comes off a little.... crazy?

More than 50% of the adult population carries this. (1 in 3) Most don't even know they have it.

Are you referring to HSV-1, or HSV-2, or the combined infection rate of both? Regardless, either way your numbers are not credible, as "1 in 3" is 33% of a given population, not "More than 50%." So I really can't count on your information being useful here.

That he of his own free will decided not to disclose his condition to you is a problem. Whether or not it's a deal breaker I cannot say, I would tend to think that should depend on if this is just one of many issues or if it's stand-alone.

I agree, and that's a concise statement of my view as well.

March 13, 2009

The time I've known him, I've never seen him take medication nor have I ever noticed a rash. Our first year of dating, we had protected sex. When we no longer had protected sex, he told me that ours was the first time he has ever had unprotected sex - he claims to have ALWAYS worn a condom.

The other day, when I found out about the herpes and confronted him about this, he claims that he has always worn a condom (until us) and that he contracted the disease by wearing a condom. He claims he hasn't had a break-out in about 6-years.

I don't believe him, and I too, wonder, if he had an affair and contracted the virus more recently.

My whole issue is with the lie; the deceit; the lack of character...and all else. Herpes isn't life threatening, but a marriage that is riddled with lies and deceit is threatening. How do I ever believe; he is supposed to be my life partner - how do I trust him. Does he have my back?? I have to say "no".

March 13, 2009

"for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part".
Marriage and life is not easy, this is a curve ball it's throwing at you. You decided to take this major step in life. Don't become a statistic. Work on it. You promised each other. It's not all about happiness and good times. This is a test of your commitment. Nobody said it would be easy.

You forgot something that comes between in sickness and health and til death us do part. Its "forsaking all others", and that includes our own selfishness.

He failed that test. Marriages are built on love, respect, and mutual admiration. I'm willing to bet the OP has lost all three of those for her H.

March 13, 2009

My whole issue is with the lie; the deceit; the lack of character...and all else. Herpes isn't life threatening, but a marriage that is riddled with lies and deceit is threatening. How do I ever believe; he is supposed to be my life partner - how do I trust him. Does he have my back?? I have to say "no".

Mine too. I can't believe he did this to you.

Before his tearful, and meant to make you feel bad for HIM (and not yourself) confession - did you love him? You say he has always been selfish - is this true or is this the anger speaking?

March 13, 2009

He has selfish ways, I have seen this exhibited toward other people, but he would do just about anything for me; always trying to accommodate and please me.

Do I love him? - right now, I don't feel love toward him - I do care about him. I have always liked him, a lot. I thought he was a decent man. I don't like him as a person anymore. I think he is "sick"..."crazed" ...I honestly do. There is no respect, trust, admiration. Do those things magically come back; can counseling help you get those things back, or does counseling teach you to accept those things and live with them.

Sign In

After 1-yr of marriage, Husband tells me he has herpes

Recommended Posts

SquareBalloon

z1850

boldjack

NoIDidn't

Citizen Erased

NoIDidn't

Beautiful Inside

Trimmer

jmargel

JackJack

rod_in_gtown

EnigmasMuse

Lizzie60

blair08

stuckinoz

z1850

JackJack

OWoman

stuckinoz

sxyNYCcpl

Trimmer

SquareBalloon

NoIDidn't

NoIDidn't

SquareBalloon

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...