Should I Just Give Up?

[kimbop]

So this is the sob story. Ex and I had a relationship for a year and three months. We moved in soon afterwards (after six months) because his lease to his ridiculously expensive-for-the-crappy-area apartment was up and he wanted to buy a house. It made sense that he moved his butt in with me since 1) he travels a lot for business so it's impractical to find another apartment he would barely spend anytime in; 2) he was prepared financially to buy his first home asap; and 3) we were so in love. We lived together for eight months, and everything was just happily-ever-after great. We talked about marriage, having brillant children someday, getting samarai swords lessons to protect prospective beautiful daughter, and so on and so forth. We thought we were eachother's soulmate and imaginary cherubs would flutter around us when we were together.

 

The problem came after he did buy the house. Actually he bought the house downtown near the city center in an expensive but safe neighborhood so that I can walk to work safely. I work downtown while he works in the suburbs. He involved me in every bit of the renovation process (e.g. picking flooring, paint color and etc.), and he sacrificed his entire savings he accumulated living like a pauper for the downpayment of the house he called "our house." He had a poor childhood and never lived in something that was owned, so for him to take this step was a milestone to say the least.

 

Anyway, his co-worker took another job so his work duties doubled; he spent every spare time preparing the house for the eventual move; and his mother would call him everyday demanding hours of his spare time to cry about her unhappiness with her second husband (the one she left him, his dad and sister for). He started to neglect me. I tried to be sympathetic and did my best to help him out with the best of my capacity. But he thought I would wreck the house if I was given a paintbrush so I did my girlfriend duties to make sure the homefront was in proper order - laundry is done, my place (I live in my brother's big house downtown) is clean, food is prepared.

 

Even still there was this disconnect. He distanced himself from me more and more until a month and a half later I confronted him on it right before Xmas after he came home from yet another business trip. He finally admitted to being "NOT in love with me anymore." I broke it off right then and there and had him move out. Immediately afterwards I dived in a vat of alcohol the next day with my friends consoling me about what a ba**ard he was to me.

 

Soon afterwards, he admitted that he made a huge mistake and confessed his love for me again in the most unromantic, bumbling way possible with huge alligator tears and all. I was confused at his actions but allowed myself to be swayed by his words. He admitted to seeing me in his future and not wanting anyone else with me. I called him a coward and a selfish turd for acting in the manner he did (being all non communicative which he blames on his English-ness). However he never gave me a direct answer that he wanted to resolve things and try again. Rather his answer was, "I want to but I don't understand why I felt that way about you then and I don't ever want to hurt you because you're perfect." Plus he had to travel and work all throughout the week and flew to Florida to see his mom every weekend. We barely communicated and it tore me apart.

 

Fast forward two and a half months and he's still giving me the same wishy washy answer. He's made the effort to contact me more though, but he's never around which makes me angry since all that hectic renovation process was all for naught. I mean he lived with me rent free, his living expenses I paid for and my brother gave him the coveted parking space attached to the house (and did I mention we live downtown?) during the months after he purchased the house. Because too much time has lapsed between the break up and this lull of separation, my heart has hardened. He said that his traveling nonstop and working until 1am each night will slow down in April, and he will stop going to Fl so much since there's nothing more he can do to help his mother who won't leave the 2nd husband. I'm wondering whether I should wait around to see if we can be back together or just cut free. My friends give me divided answers so I'm experiencing indecisiveness myself.

 

By the way, I'm 30 and he's 28. I know I'm at the stage in my life when I want to settle down, and he admitted to being at this stage too since all his friends are married and he's never been happier.

 

I know. This story is epic and there are a lot of details left out, but I would definitely appreciate some insight from wise strangers.

[love_fool]

Coming from an 18 year old, you would probably just disregard my input.

 

I believe that there is still a chance for you two, althought his biological time clock isn't ticking at the same pace as you, he's going to have to realize what he really wants. If he decides the George Clooney lifestyle is for him, you don't have to bend backwards in order to cater to him for his every need or to convice him to settle down. He is soley responsible for the decisions he makes.

Out of all things, you should be the one wanted, don't make yourself available to him at all times because he's going to lose respect and potentially hurt you even more.

 

Just wait it out, or walk out of this.

[kimbop]

Love_Fool, thank you for your wise words. Even though you're 18 years old, you're probably more mature and have oodles more common sense than my ex who claims to be ten years older.

 

Well this past weekend the manure has hit the fan, and I've decided to scrap off the cr*p off me and salvage the remains of my dignity. I am furious at myself for allowing him to treat me like chewed up gum stuck under an old sneaker.

 

So after two months of not seeing eachother, we finally met up two weeks ago and spent a nice time that night. He had to fly again early the next morning so we spent the precious 4 hours hours together before he drove me home. I thought we were taking a step toward rebuilding the relationship that was left in ruins. Stupid me.

 

He came back to Philly the next week this past Wednesday night with the intention to leave for England four days later on Sunday for a week to attend his friend's wedding. He had plans to come back late on Monday the following week and immediately fly out the next morning. So basically these past few days were all that he allowed in the next few weeks for us to meet up before he becomes MIA again.

 

Anyway, he came back late on Wednesday so I didn't expect to meet up with him. He "claimed" to have missed me and wanted to see me. Yeah right. The next night, he attended a seminar downtown and then jettisoned himself to a posh Brazilian BBQ joint to smooze for two hours and promptly got drunk. He called coming out of said expensive restaurant saying that he had too much work and he couldn't come over. I was annoyed and disappointed since he agreed earlier. I had no choice but to accept his answer with the optimistic belief that we'll spend some time before he left for across the pond.

 

The next night (Friday) I left work and went to happy hour with some friends. I invited him but he was stuck in traffic so he said that he'll come when he finally arrives back home. Later in the evening I received a text that he was too tired and refused to come out but wanted me to come over when everything was done. I had a little too much to drink, and against better judgment I managed to get myself to his door (it was a ten minute walk) around 11 pm. The next morning he announced that he had a hair appointment at Hair Cuttery at 10 am so he had to take me home. Scuse me? Appointment at Hair Cuttery is like having a table reserved at Burger King. What a nonsensical bs that was and another disappointment I was taken back but nontheless agreed thinking we'll spend the evening together since he would leave the next day.

 

But of course not. While driving me back, he announced that he had to spend the day with his friend moving a couch to his friend's mother-in-law's house. I thought the move would take a few hours at most, and he would come over for dinner as agreed because I would make his favorite. And he called, in his ignorant and insensitive fashion, that he was going to have dinner with his friend and his wife at their house because he had not seen them in a while and he was fearful that my brother would be home. And although his friends (whom I consider highly and they were ignorant of the situation) don't cook and usually orders pizza, and he always complains about not wanting to partake in their grease-fest, he obliged while leaving me hanging. And then he had the gull to say that he was going to hang with them that night, and he would call me before he leaves the next day. And this communication happened all through text since the coward didn't have the guts to call.

 

I promptly replied via text don't bother calling me ever again. And thanks for using me as a booty call and treating me like a worthless, cheap tramp. I was enraged. I wanted to Karate kick his worthless pale British a** across the Atlantic. And of course he didn't call, fearful that I would verbally rip him a new a-hole (which I would). But he texted while in the DC airport drunk off his butt with "I was bad and stupid" and "please don't hate me." Jesus Christ. The idiocy of this man! I had enough. What kind of apology was that??!!! It was as useless as a pair of testicles to a eunuch.

 

So now I should move this thread to the coping section. The first break up was shame on him and this second one was shame on me. I now hang my head in despair thinking he possessed a modium of maturity to consider someone other than himself. All his declarations of love really meant nothing but a bag of unbelieveable lies. He's a tw*t, and good riddance. I don't need to take that kind of bs from anyone. If I had the chance, I would totally verbally assault him into a whimpering baby.

 

Now I'm wondering whether I should ignore him completely if he does contact me again and leave him wondering (because he won't have the sense to understand why I'm dumping him) or give him an explanation about what kind of dufus he was so that he can get closure. I guess this all depends if he actually mans up the courage to contact me, which I doubt.

[the_b]

Hey Kimbop,

 

Don't reply or contact him - he'll contact you again i'm pretty sure. My feeling is that he'll do the wishy-washy "how are you?" or "you ok" type text in time...zzzz.

 

From what I read, you've given him several opportunities to start communication again after HE broke up with you but he's given you the thift treatment. Don't allow him to use the "busy at work" excuse - i have a similar job zooming all over the place but there is a "new" gadget...called a phone apparently, where I can actually talk to somebody if I WANT to. Especially useful if I think i need to talk about something that I think is important...

 

Stay strong, continue to be you...and don't lose your self respect. Give him a verbal thrashing?? - hmmmm...i kinda think he's expecting this from you, hence he's hiding behind texts. Ask yourself:- this is not a particularly attractive trait you want in a potential mate is it? (but you've come to that conclusion already ).

 

Let him go. Give him closure only when he contacts you. Move on knowing you gave him a chance, he blew it and it's his loss.

 

(ps i'm an English guy too - so don't dismiss my words so quickly )

[kimbop]

the_b, I'm not going to discount what you are saying just because you are an English male. That would be prejudice I suppose (although the gay bar I just visited, b/c of my gay best friend, rooted for another Independence day - maybe it's a Philadephia thing ). I just believe that the English men I've encountered here in the US are a bunch of jacka**es to the nth degree. Nothing against you. Seriously, they think they can get women way beyond their league just because they can speak with English accents. I believe it works though - I find it a little bit disturbing about the American convoluted romanticized ideology when it comes to accents. He actually selected me after dating lots of random bimbos which I thought was a lie and a half until I had to eat my words when said bimbos tried to hit on him when I was present. Dumb tramps.

 

And I've read your post with your ex. It seems that we experienced similar problems with immature exes. I may be naive to think that people should strive to show the best in themselves when encountering another. She (your ex) and my ex-beau/ba*tard/a**clown treated us pretty disrespectfully. And remember what the great Aretha Franklin said, R-E-S-P-E-C-T is what matters most when assessing ourselves. Screw them, and we should focus on ourselves. Currently I strive to run a marathon in the future and aim to be built like God really cared when creating me via my personal trainer who wants to make me think that feeling massive amounts of pain is actually a good thing. Yay running endless miles!