Coping and moving on.

[AMM003]

My GF and I broke off our relationship of almost 6 years last month.

 

The first 3 years of our relationship were rocky. In the first year, her ex boyfriend came to visit her. She said he was going to stay over her apartment for the evening. I didnt feel comfortable with this and we argued. She was insistent that it was just friends. So I relented even though I was pretty upset. When I saw her the next evening. I asked her if she "had done anything with him". She looked me straight in the eye and said "No, I didnt". And then proceeded to tell me about their evening. I stayed the night with her. When I got up in the morning, I started to make coffeee. Upon throwing the grounds in the trash, something caught my eye in the trash. It was a condom wrapper. She was still sleeping. I walked over to her and said, "There is something in the trash that you left". And I walked out. Thinking that was it. I didnt talk to her for few days. She called, was apologetic, and explained how she was feeling. I took her back and told her I would work to forgiveness. It took me months to forgive her. The next year, she said she needed space on two ocassions. Then found out she was going on a date with a coworker on one and then another guy on the other. She called again a few days after each and was apologetic, blah blah. In my convoluted reasoning and beleiveing myself to be a patient, I took her back again.

 

I thought we had worked really hard on the relationship the last 3 years. It was filled with love, joy, happiness. I always thought of myself as her biggest support, her biggest fan, and always lent an ear when she needed. I comforted her when the pressures of school made her break down in tears. We worked really hard on trust. I did, at least.

 

She moved to the East Coast a couple of years ago to finish schooling. I visited her there as much as I could afford. And it was nice when she came "home" for the summer as well. We would text and talk as much as we could to help our relationship remain intact. We had talked about our future on many occasions and she always talked of getting married, spending the rest of our lives together, starting a family, etc.

 

I was helping her as much as I could. Schooling for her was/is expensive. I had spent quite some money helping furnish her apartment. In the first few visits there, I bought new appliances and furniture for her. I tried to help her feel comfortable in her new surroundings when she moved. Another way was paying for her cell phone. I had just renewed her contract a couple of months ago. In the renewal I had took advantage of getting a new discounted phone. I usually dont check her cell phone bill for usage, but since it was higher because of the renewal, i wanted to make sure I got charged correctly for the new phone. In that, I just started to go thru the details of the phone usage. And I came across texting back and forth from a number I didnt recognize. I know her closest friends numbers and also her family members' numbers.

 

I turned suspicious and started to think about our conversations that coincided with the dates on the phone. I confronted her with it and she wouldnt tell me who it was or what the text were about. She had also come home 2 1/2 hours later than usual a couple weeks before and said traffic was bad. (At 8 o'clock in the evening!). And things she was doing other things that wasn't making sense to me then. So I confronted her all that was questionable in the last 2 weeks. And we argued for about 2 days as she wouldnt tell me who it was and what the heck was going on. So on the third staright day, she went over to her friends house. I guess there were several girlfriends there with her to empower her. I called her on the phone. I could feel her being empowered with her friends there. Then proceeded to tell me I was being to posessive and jealous. And she couldnt be with me anymore.

 

Well that was it for me as well. I didnt feel she could be open and honest with me anymore. Or never was in the first place. From what I gathered, it was her coworker that she was hiding. The big stinker was I was going to surprize her on Valentines Day weekend with a visit. I had it all planned for romance that weekend. The bigger stinker was we were planning a vacation in the spring. I was going to propose to her on that vacation.

 

Now I am not a religious man by any means, but I guess things do happen for a reason. Someone had to be looking out for me. It's kinda sad but it's also a very big relief. I could've married someone that I really did not know as well as I thought I did.

 

I drank pretty good the first few days to numb the pain. I had feeling of resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness. You name it, I felt it. I wasnt quite the same at work. But being at work helped because it forced me to think about work. I thought long and hard about our relationship. I looked at it from "all directions". It is my belief that I was actually a rebound from her previous. 6 years though! I am now working towards closure for myself. I am keeping myself busy with the things that have needed to be done and enjoying some things that I had wanted to do or accomplish. I have no interest in anyone right now. By choice. I have had NC since then (about a month ago).

 

My thoughts and feelings that have helped. Any other ideas?

 

1. Initiated NC. I changed all that I could as there is no coming back from this one.

 

2. Be firm about NC. I really dont care if there is any contact. For all I am concerned. It's NC for life.

 

3. Accept it. And I do so graciously. As I do think our relationship was not meant to be anymore.

 

4. Keep myself busy. As I will become whole again. I feel myself becoming stronger every week. And my conviction of such thoughts also becoming stronger.

 

5. Not to worry about what or how my ex is doing. It was her choice to do the things she did. She has to live with the decisions she makes. And this is one of them.

 

6. Work towards forgiveness. First, to forgive myself. Second, her. For me it will be an unspoken forgiveness(NC). Actually in my situation, she CANNOT know that I will forgive her in time. I dont wanna hang on. And I certainly dont want her to hang on or think my mind can be changed. For I understand that in order for me to have complete closure on this. For me to completely let go. I will need to forgive her. But I will always remember what has been done to me. Or been done to what we had.

 

7. Take the time I have alone to re-learn and re-invent myself. And not sulk in what shoulda coulda woulda.

 

8. Be the better person. I am a person of integrity. Even though I do know her well enough that she is going to rip my character apart every chance she gets. She will compare me to her new BF and if he does something better than me, she will let all around her know. I guess it keeps her self-esteem goinng and helps her deal. Kinda low class IMHO. When folks asked me what happened, I say it just didnt work out. I only discuss this with the closest of friends and family. Even though I was disrespected in the worst way, I am and will stay the better person. I will always take the high road.

 

9. Be responsible for the choices that I have made. I am not a perfect person. But I was good enough to not be treated like this. I do take responsibility for being in a relationship like this. I own up to my shortcomings.

 

Any other thoughts greatly appreciated? Thank for listening as well.

[Scorpio13c]

Hey AMM,

Don't bust yourself over this, your points seem texbook & are great. Just don't forget that you are human & may not be able to live up to all those points.

I wish you all the best!

 

Scorp

[sedgwick]

I know her closest friends numbers and also her family members' numbers.

 

Really?!?! I've known my ex-husband/best friend for 15 years, we speak every day, and I couldn't tell you one of his friends' or family's numbers. Did you make an effort to sit down and memorize them all?!? I have to say that would REALLY freak me out if my boyfriend did that.

[AMM003]

Yes I do know them. Not by heart though. I have them in my phone as I would text/call them on special ocassions, i.e. birthdays, holidays. And I would call her relatives every once in a while. So they are in my phone. It doesnt take a genius to figure out who's phone number belongs to who when the numbers are in the phone.

 

And I am glad i looked further into the bill. No regrets. What if I didnt? I mean, what's your point? Are you really here to help people heal/cope? Or cast doubt on their resolve? With over 2000 posts, I would figure you really have something helpful to say? Or are you trolling?

 

Oh btw, I have known my ex-wife for 17 years. Not only do I talk with her every day, I see her almost every day. And she IS one of my best friends. We do this not only for ourselves but our 2 wonderful children. That is one reason I could not move across the country with my gf.

 

So if you're gonna lay the "my ex/bff line of X years" on someone, why not back it up with some helpful info rather than question one's resolve?

[AMM003]

Oh, my ex-wfe's family and friends numbers are also in my phone. And I do not know them by heart either. And I also pay for that bill as well.

[UCLAMike]

Really?!?! I've known my ex-husband/best friend for 15 years, we speak every day, and I couldn't tell you one of his friends' or family's numbers. Did you make an effort to sit down and memorize them all?!? I have to say that would REALLY freak me out if my boyfriend did that.

 

I hope this is a troll post.

 

Does it matter whether he memorized them or not? She had a history of cheating and lying. He confronts her. If that text really was from nobody she could have done the most simplest thing and tell him who it was. It's really not a big deal. Is it really tearing up your dignity to be questioned who you have been frequently texting with? For goodness sakes your bf is worried because he cares and loves you. He wants to know whom you've been talking to frequently. This is wrong to question????

 

I don't get people like that. It's just beyond me