lidoggie Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Hello all, I need help. I have been married for almost 12 years. We have never had the best relationship. We got married about a year and a half after out first child was born. This started about a year and a half ago. Six months ago a caught my wife in the park with her lover. She admitted to having an affair for at least 9 months. She also admitted to be in a relationship with 3 other men other than the one I caught her with. About 9 months ago she found out that she had Bipolar disorder. She claims that bipolar is the reason that she cheated. She has had sex with others in our home. The guy that I caught her with she got him a cell phone on our family plan. She hepled him get a job, and sent our son to the same summer camp the his girls go to. Our son had gone to the same summer camp for 9 years, so the change to a new location was starnge, but she said that it would save money. They are both socialworkers, and worked for a short period of time at the same Alabama high school. I had the hardest time to get her and this guy to split up, and she admitted that she was not going to end the relationship. I love her, but don't know what to do. I ahve been a great husband, and these are her words. She had nothing to say that I did not do. Is her mental disorder the reason for her cheating, or am I being screwed over again?
Island Girl Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Bi Polar disorder does not make you act differently like that -- it isn't Multiple Personality Disorder. She is full of crap. And she could be managing her condition on meds. She is just making excuses and spoon feeding them to you. It is up to you if you are going to eat them up or call her out on her bullsh*t.
lkjh Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 She has some mental issues, that much is for sure! Don't take that crap
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Bull****!!! divorce her, because she's a serial cheater not because of bi-polar disorder!!! how many men did she need? where in her mind did she say to herself. I'm cheating on my husband with three men and in our house no less!!! You gotta detach from this woman! It's not bi-polar disorder it's serial cheating! dont let her rationalize it, anyone who heard what she did to you wont blame you for it. And she didnt even have the f0ing balls to confess, you caught her! so much for honesty. I bet she's still cheating! get a dna test and a std' test and until she gets a polygraph test dont believe a damn word she says!
carhill Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Gives new meaning to the phrase "social worker" :shock: OP, your oldest child is a teenager now. How many others are there? Personally, I'd call this one done. Even if her condition "causes" her to cheat, that's not your problem; it's hers. Get some sanity back into your life, and especially into your children's lives. They'll thank you when they're adults
wicar Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Hello all, I need help. I have been married for almost 12 years. We have never had the best relationship. We got married about a year and a half after out first child was born. This started about a year and a half ago. Six months ago a caught my wife in the park with her lover. She admitted to having an affair for at least 9 months. She also admitted to be in a relationship with 3 other men other than the one I caught her with. About 9 months ago she found out that she had Bipolar disorder. She claims that bipolar is the reason that she cheated. She has had sex with others in our home. The guy that I caught her with she got him a cell phone on our family plan. She hepled him get a job, and sent our son to the same summer camp the his girls go to. Our son had gone to the same summer camp for 9 years, so the change to a new location was starnge, but she said that it would save money. They are both socialworkers, and worked for a short period of time at the same Alabama high school. I had the hardest time to get her and this guy to split up, and she admitted that she was not going to end the relationship. I love her, but don't know what to do. I ahve been a great husband, and these are her words. She had nothing to say that I did not do. Is her mental disorder the reason for her cheating, or am I being screwed over again? Bipolar for the cause of her cheating sh**, you know what's best for you, divoce her. She is a classical serial cheater. Try to find some evidence of her with other man , file a divorce..... what she is doing is adultary.... Why is she sending your son to the same summer camp other guys girls go to , is she trying to plan a new familly with your kids, her, other gy and his kids..... Don't let this happen to you and your kids..... You say she had sex with other men in your house imagine if for one day your son saw his mother and another guy naked in bed playing sex game, imagine how will he be hurt..... and he will surly develop many mental disorders. Try to kick her out of your life and your children's. Don't let her set an example for your kids..... Bipolar stuff is a fu***** s***. It is just an excuse to go with other men. Act Quickly...... save youself and your kids.
era Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Is her mental disorder the reason for her cheating Possibly.... The period of time that the extreme high and low moods are experienced are called episodes of mania and depression. During a manic episode a person sometimes does reckless things without concern about possible consequences (e.g. engaging in inappropiate sexual activity).
seibert253 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Dude, what a load of crap. She needs to be booted to the street RIGHT NOW!
In Like Flynn Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Bi-Polar ssems to be a cop out!!! She knew she had it and was ready to use it as a excuse when you finally caught her. A get out of jail card!!! Get a STD test and she needs to be on meds immediately. But I will tell you when the BP word comes out it usually ends badly!!! BP's like my wife almost never stop....just slow down or go deeper undercover. They have no conscience!! Sorry!!!
z1850 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 This sounds more like borderline personality disorder. Like most personality disorders, there is no treatment. Patients eventually either grow up and "get it," or else kill themselves. But mental illness may be just an excuse for old-fashioned immorality. Adultery is morally wrong. She knows that. In a case like this, the decision to divorce is completely up to you, and depends on whether you can live with her or not. You have the moral right to divorce her if you wish. You need to give it serious thought, and make a decision. The healthiest kind of long-term relationship is based on abstinence before marriage, and faithfulness after marriage. Remember this for next time.
jmargel Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 And she is a social worker, working with kids? Unless she is clinically diagnosed and goto counseling for her problems, then nothing will change. You can't believe anything she says since she's been lying to you for years. The cheating is only one topic of many that is caused by the root of her problems, which only a therapist can diagnose and treat. Continue to tolerate her behavior and she will continue to do it. I don't believe she know what love really is, which is sad. However it's not your job to show her. Your job is to keep you own self well-being and for your children. She needs to face the consequences for her behavior. I would also recommend counseling for yourself and your children so that you don't have to go through this alone.
travelgirl Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Is she clinically diagnosed? Is she in therapy? Is she on lithium? If not, they I highly doubt her bi-polar disorder is so true. Have you noticed in your 12 years of marriage severe bouts of depression and then bouts of true mania (being reckless, forgetting to get the kids, staying out all night, starting new weird things, talking non-stop, unable to sleep?) If it didn't hit your radar, then I highly doubt she truly is. Plus WHY would she not tell you of her disorder? Why keep it a secret? Regardless, even if she does have the disorder - there is no reason to not get help and work on marriage. Two things she doesn't seem to want to do. The fact that YOU are trying to separate the two of them and not herself is not a good thing. You need to tell her, "Him or me and if it is him, pack your bags and leave." No ifs ands or buts. And if she tries to call your bluff and packs, let her. The second you say "oh never mind, just stay" you are giving all the power back to her. She has to have consequences for her actions and you aren't doing that. Have you called her family to tell them she is a serial cheater and bi-polar? You need to expose her affair so it doesn't seem so fun anymore. Let people see her for what she really is. She could quickly turn the tables on you if she is thinking about leaving you so now is the time to take action.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Her being biploar is not your problem. If this is her excuse, then expect more cheating if you stay with her.
kaly6177 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Lidoggie, I hate to tell you this but being bi-polar does not make you cheat. That is complete bs. I am a diagnosed bi-polar and have been taking meds for it. I was diagnosed after I started IC and completely ended my A. My illness DID NOT make me cheat. Yes there is heavy depression involved and perhaps she thinks that is what made her cheat, but after reading your post and knowing that she is cheating on you with multiple people, it looks to me like her illness is more of a Sex Addiction and not manic depression. When I had bouts of depression and mania my sexual drive was non-existent, which is typical for bi-polars. As a WS, I must tell you that she is not going to stop her cheating. She has already told you that she is not willing to end the relationship with the OM. Which means, she is not willing to give up that lifestyle and be committed to you and your marriage.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Let the OMen take care of her cheating azz!!!!! your better off without her. Bi-polar is no excuse and tell you what you think the OM is gonna put up with her nonsense? LOL trust your the security within that marriage and without you she'll crumble.
Onwards Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Bi-Polar can indeed cause the behaviour that has been described in the OP. Having worked with countless people who have the disorder, I can assure all in the thread that during a manic phase - people cheat, disappear for days, go on spending sprees (ie they can become completely disinhibited). I am not saying that the person being referred to in the OP has bi-polar, but to make a blanket statement that Bi-Polar does not cause people to cheat is completely and utterly untrue.
KismetGirl Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Hello all, I need help. I have been married for almost 12 years. We have never had the best relationship. We got married about a year and a half after out first child was born. This started about a year and a half ago. Six months ago a caught my wife in the park with her lover. She admitted to having an affair for at least 9 months. She also admitted to be in a relationship with 3 other men other than the one I caught her with. About 9 months ago she found out that she had Bipolar disorder. She claims that bipolar is the reason that she cheated. She has had sex with others in our home. The guy that I caught her with she got him a cell phone on our family plan. She hepled him get a job, and sent our son to the same summer camp the his girls go to. Our son had gone to the same summer camp for 9 years, so the change to a new location was starnge, but she said that it would save money. They are both socialworkers, and worked for a short period of time at the same Alabama high school. I had the hardest time to get her and this guy to split up, and she admitted that she was not going to end the relationship. I love her, but don't know what to do. I ahve been a great husband, and these are her words. She had nothing to say that I did not do. Is her mental disorder the reason for her cheating, or am I being screwed over again? Ehhhh, well, sexual promiscuity can be a symptom of manic episodes but in this case I don't think that's what's "making" her cheat. Usually, if anythig, the sexual promiscuity is just an outlet to try to find a sense of attention and emotion from another person. I think your wife is just....a cheater. Sorry. She isn't psychotic. She knows right from wrong. She doesn't have black outs, right? As in, periods of time in which she can't remember what she did or said. Sex addicts often have these "black outs" where they do all sorts of stuff and then supposedly cannot remember doing any of it. If she is actually saying she has no intention of ending her affairs, then this is not a matter of mental illness causing her to cheat. She has issues she needs to address, but blaming this on her illness, if she really even is bipolar, is not feasible. Im sorry, but I think youre best option in this case is to get out of the relationship. I normally dont like to tell people I dont know on a message board such advice and advocate counseling together to work through root issues, but she sounds more like she could have some sort of Axis II disorder (eg- a personality disorder rather than something more physioogical in nature like depression, schizophrenia, bipolar , etc) which cannot be treated with medications. They can only be addressed in some way with thereapy, and even then, the person has to WANT to change, which she doesnt sound like she wants to change anything. I pity the children she works with as a social worker....bollocks. Some people shoudl not be allowed to breed. *sigh* Im sorry youre going through this, but i think you should probably file for divorce, and try to accumulate as much evidence as possible as to her irresponsible behaviour, her infidelity, and her promiscuity. Go find a good lawyer and find out what you have to do to gain primary custody. From the sounds of her, your kid would be better off with you.
travelgirl Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Bi-Polar can indeed cause the behaviour that has been described in the OP. Having worked with countless people who have the disorder, I can assure all in the thread that during a manic phase - people cheat, disappear for days, go on spending sprees (ie they can become completely disinhibited). I am not saying that the person being referred to in the OP has bi-polar, but to make a blanket statement that Bi-Polar does not cause people to cheat is completely and utterly untrue. But she isn't going on a one time cheating binge during a manic phase and then coming down and regretting the situation. She is having a full on affair with someone and continues to see him despite the fact that her husband now knows. That has absolutely nothing to do with bi-polar even if she has it and I doubt she truly does. I would think red flags would have been seen all over from her husband and during manic phases, women don't cover their tracks. They don't care and signs of cheating would have come about. He could not have been that blind all these years. Lastly, she never told him she was diagnosed with bi-polar until all of a sudden she was caught cheating. Come on!
Onwards Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 But she isn't going on a one time cheating binge during a manic phase and then coming down and regretting the situation. She is having a full on affair with someone and continues to see him despite the fact that her husband now knows. That has absolutely nothing to do with bi-polar even if she has it and I doubt she truly does. I would think red flags would have been seen all over from her husband and during manic phases, women don't cover their tracks. They don't care and signs of cheating would have come about. He could not have been that blind all these years. Lastly, she never told him she was diagnosed with bi-polar until all of a sudden she was caught cheating. Come on! I have no issue with what you're saying, and as I stated earlier I'm not necessarily saying that the OP's wife has Bi-Polar. I have a problem with people jumping in with claims such as "Bi-Polar doesn't make people cheat", because that is simply not true.
SierraRose Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Bipolar stuff is a fu***** s***. It is just an excuse to go with other men. She put him on your family cell phone plan??? Had sex with others in your house? OMG... I am speechless...
Trialbyfire Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 If she's been diagnosed with bipolar, the only person who can help her is herself. If she's getting help, 9 months is long enough to have turned the corner for treatment, unless she's in some way refusing medication. No matter which way you look at it, she's still responsible for helping herself. It's like an alcoholic blaming alcohol for cheating. Get help. If she won't get help and is working, since your children are old enough, just punt her to curb where she belongs.
Onwards Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Bipolar stuff is a fu***** s***. It is just an excuse to go with other men. Exhibit A.
tami-chan Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Ehhhh, well, sexual promiscuity can be a symptom of manic episodes but in this case I don't think that's what's "making" her cheat. Maybe we are just "picking on" OP or the wife's use of "making". I think more importantly, if she has BP disorder--it is of course, possible that the heightened need for sexual relations or heightened need to express one's self sexually is not at all uncommon for people who are in their manic phase. As a matter of fact, one can sense a BP's oncoming manic episode sometimes but the way they wear their make up (thicker make up) and the wearing of sexier, more revealing clothes. Usually, if anythig, the sexual promiscuity is just an outlet to try to find a sense of attention and emotion from another person. I think your wife is just....a cheater. Interesting.Seeking attention at the expense of herself and her family, I'd say could be a indicative of deep-seated psych issues. OP. if your wife was diagnosed as suffering from Bipolar Disorder, it is important to find out what type of BP disorder she has. There are 2. Bipolar I disorder-is the one that most people are familiar with because it is very apparent. The Manic and Depressed Phases are clearly identifiable-and are accompanied by psychotic episodes-usually harmful to the individual and others. Bipolar II Disorder is the one that is usually missed because the sufferer usually have mild mania and mild depression. Do note, a person who is DX'd with Bipolar Disorder does not always have to be in either of these states...he/she can go for weeks/months without having these episodes and thus may "act normal". It is easy to mistake BP Disorder with Schizophrenia. But Just remember someone suffering from Schizophrenia will ALWAYS have Psychotic episodes(delusions, hallucinations, etc.)-whether they are in full blown mania or not..or full blown depression or not. Good news, though, OP (if you can call it good news). Bipolar Disorder is manageable. There are many psychotropic medications that can help your wife with this problem. Remember though, in Psych, oftentimes it takes a few trial and error for your medical provider to come up with a good cocktail to manage the disorder. Also, since BP disorder is a recurrent illness-long term, preventative, maintenance medication(s) is needed. Perhaps, when you can find out what (if at all there) is wrong with her, you can start moving on and start fixing your life with or without her.
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