gavinus Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Basically my ex girlfriend dumped me after 3 years together. We have been apart now for 6 weeks. She dumped me because she blamed her anger issues on me, i.e. she said I made her angry and crazy. Some days she would come home and be ok, other days she would get verbally, emotionally and now and then physically abusive towards me. This happened every few weeks. The split happened because one day she got angry at me and I said I would never marry her or have kids while she treated me badly when she was angry. I love her so I feel like texting her and saying I will marry you and have children with you if you go to anger management. Would it be the wrong thing to text her this?
kizik Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 That is the dumbest, worst thing you could do. No offense. Just ignore that awful person.
Author gavinus Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 any particular reason why it is dumb??
kizik Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Yes. Because she is a f*cking psycho. Anyone who says "you make me angry" and blames all their crap on you is INSANE. Get out. Get out. O Dear Lord, get out.
msjules Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I pretty much told you the same thing last night, dude. She's nuts. Apparently you haven't convinced yourself of that fact yet, though. You see, she blames YOU for HER anger. Asking her to go to anger management classes is asking her to take responsibility for her own behavior. I don't think she's responsible enough to do that. But you know her better than we do.
Author gavinus Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Yeah you are right, its funny you can't convince somebody of something if they can't see it, I saw her today driving down the road and I wanted to contact her after seeing her, but I did not. She did go to therapy for it for awhile but the therapy she was getting did not improve it much. I suppose I think if I offer her enough she will change.
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I love her so I feel like texting her and saying I will marry you and have children with you if you go to anger management. Would it be the wrong thing to text her this? I understand you love her but if YOU are not ready to get married or have kids with her, do not text her that. She basically gave you an ultimatum, but if you buckle down and say "Fine", do you honestly think the relationship a few months or years down the line will get any better? I personally think that you should speak with her on a face to face basis and explain to her that her anger issues is what is pushing you away from the relationship or considerably marrying her and although you love her and would want to marry her, "SUGGEST" to her, not ask, that she should go to anger management. I think from that point on see where it goes from there. Definitely keep us posted. I wish you luck.
EasyHeart Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 There's a difference between women who are just selfish or b*tchy and women who have psychological problems. It sounds like your ex could be one of the latter. If so, I can tell you from personal experience that you should think long and hard about whether you want to get back together with her. Why will things be different? She has some sort of emotional issue and, rather than accepting responsibility for her problem, she blames you for it. If you crawl back and promise to marry her, she will eventually find some other reason to blame you or mistrust you. I had an ex who had similar problems. I crawled and begged for forgiveness, and guess what? We got back together for a few months, and she found more reasons to blame me for her problems. She hung on long enough to find some other sucker to be with, and then she was gone forever. Before you get back together (if you do at all), something has to change or you'll just repeat the same pattern again. And again. Who really has the problem her, you or her? And are each of you willing to acknowledge your problems and fix them? Can they be fixed at all?
kizik Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I had an ex who had similar problems. I crawled and begged for forgiveness, and guess what? We got back together for a few months, and she found more reasons to blame me for her problems. She hung on long enough to find some other sucker to be with, and then she was gone forever. Before you get back together (if you do at all), something has to change or you'll just repeat the same pattern again. And again. Who really has the problem her, you or her? And are each of you willing to acknowledge your problems and fix them? Can they be fixed at all? Excellent post. You just described the last year of my relationship. Listen to EasyHeart, he's a smart dude.
Template Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I know how you feel gavinus. It is often very hard for us dumpees, after a short while (6 weeks is relatively short), to really view the relationship logically without emotion, and truly determine when something really wasn't right for us. My ex used to verbally, and worse, emotionally abuse me as well, and I was in your shoes, "if this, if that, if if if..." It's been 8 weeks for me, and while I'm still a little down because of the whole breakup thing, I'm literally just starting to realize that I didn't deserve to be treated like I did, and it's not worth the "if" scenarios anymore. We deserve to be happy, and work towards a goal of being happy with someone. If at the core of her being, she is the way she is, then she's just not for you man. (Unless of course the core of your being is a doormat, no offense). Maybe one day her actions will bite her in the ass, and she'll realize that she needs to change, it just doesn't sound like it'll come anytime soon. Take care of yourself, and the right one will come.
kizik Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I didn't deserve to be treated like I did, and it's not worth the "if" scenarios anymore. We deserve to be happy, and work towards a goal of being happy with someone. If at the core of her being, she is the way she is, then she's just not for you man. (Unless of course the core of your being is a doormat, no offense). Maybe one day her actions will bite her in the ass, and she'll realize that she needs to change, it just doesn't sound like it'll come anytime soon. Awesome stuff there by Template. Great insights man.
Ilovehim Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 if my ex was messed up in the realtionship, it would ahve been easier for me to let him go...unfortunately i was messed up in the realtionship and he was good for the most part...and after that...well as an "ex" he really did hurt me...yet still...uhh
Author gavinus Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Originally Posted by EasyHeart Who really has the problem her, you or her? At the end of the day I had the problem with her anger. She told me she did not like to be angry, but the last time I saw her I told her she was the first gf I had actually considered marrying and having kids with. The only problem I told her was with her anger towards me and the way she displayed it. I then suggested anger management, and she then asked if I was trying to save her and accused me of being too sensitive. She then told me I am the cause of her anger problems and I drive her crazy. At the end of the day she blames me for her anger problems so in her mind why should she change? I suppose I wanted to text her to show her how much I care for her and want to be with her, in the hope she will address her anger and we can be together, but then how would I feel if she did not respond or told me to p*ss off?
SRV Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 You cannot change someone unless they truly want to change on their own. It takes a lot of introspection and in most cases lots professional help for them to instill the changes so needed. What was/is her background like? Anything, red flags that you missed in hindsight that might be the cause of her anger? Be glad you are out before you were married and got kids together. Some of the behaviorial issues she has will always be there and probably get worse with time.
Author gavinus Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 I think she has always been angry, she comes from a background of abuse. One of my friends gave me some info on battered mans syndrome, I can relate to two traits really well: 1) The man may call each incident an "accident". He offers excuses for his partner's emotional, verbal, violence and each time firmly believes it will never happen again especially if the partner apologizes. 2) He now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers himself responsible for it because he has defects in his character and is not living up to his partner's expectations. I can relate to both of those traits very well. And I suppose the question that haunts me is why didn't she love me enough to sort her anger out? Was it me?
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