lexi29 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 After you've been dating someone for awhile how often would you say you disagree or argue about things? My fiance and I have been together five years and lately he has been saying to me that "we argue all the time". And its simply not true in my opinion. In the last two months we have had two disagreements/arguements. One was when he snapped at me and asked why I didn't clean up a mess his son made instead of asking him (fiance) to do it. I started the argument because I got upset that he took that tone with me and expected me to clean up his son's mess. The argument lasted a few hours (talking about the situation) and then it was done. Recently, I also brought up that I don't feel he appreciates me or does enough for me and came up with some suggestions (when he asked). That argument started because I was upset about something else and he just stepped into it I guess. We don't scream or throw things and never any violence or anything crazy like that. I raise my voice and so does he (if it gets heated) and we normally make up a few hours later. The problem is my ex was the same way (except he would throw around insults and say horrible things when we argued) If we argued or simply disagreed on something ONCE a month at most he would claim that we always argued and thats all we did. It's like one disagreement or one negative thing and my ex and my current fiance both acted like nothing good ever happened between us and that all I did was yell and nag at them. I could be the perfect partner for 6months straight and then I find fault with something or am upset by his actions and suddenly I'm just someone who is always on his case, who wants to argue all the time (his perception) and that is not true. He says he feels like he can never do anything right (because I told him I don't feel appreciated as I do a lot for him and he sort of takes me for granted and gave examples- I wasn't yelling or anything just talking about it) This was last weekend and things have just been weird ever since. He will make rude comments about how he has to ask for permission to go places (wanted to hang out with a friend yesterday) and told me he tells his buddies he has to "ask if he can see them" or I'll get mad. He was at his parents house and I called him (as planned) at lunch and he said to me "do you want me to call you back from my parents' home phone so you KNOW I'm here and not somewhere else?" and he said it in front of his buddy who was there helping him with something. I have NEVER asked or suggested that he needs to call me from his parent's phone so I can verify where he is. And i even pointed that out to him and he said thats true but he just figured he'd offer so I don't accuse him of anythign or have something to complain about. Now I haven't accused him of ANYTHING or questioned him about things in months and months. So I don't know where that is coming from. My ex used to be the same way- we could not fight for a year and if I disagreed or raised my voice or tried to talk to him about an issue suddenly I was this huge nag that was ALWAYS arguing with him. What is up with that??
Star Gazer Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Disagreeing and arguing are two very different things. Two arguments in two months is too many, IMO. And as we all know, you've had MANY, many more than that over the lifetime of your current relationship. Granted, I've only been dating my BF since November, but we never fight. We disagree about certain things (politics, for example), but it never escalates into an argument - ever. Edit: Here's a thread that discusses the same topic: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141615/
Scree Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 My girlfriend and I have never had a fight. We're dating for about a year. We do disagree on stuff, but usually end up joking about it.
manugeorge Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 It's either you or them. You are either a bigger "nag"/complainer than you realize or you picked uber sensitive conflict avoiders for boyfriends. Some men/ people just don't want to hear it, arguments, disagreements freaks them out and they equate just one argument to "everything is wrong and it's my fault" hence the defensiveness. It's mostly their immaturity and insecurity though. People who can't take constructive critisism or ANY kind of criticism, even perceived.
carhill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 OP, your engagement is like my marriage. My advice? Get out
bean1 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Well, you have to pick your arguements. Be rational and think- does this real matter in the grand scheme of things? Speak calm and clearly. If you aren't ready to do that, then keep your anger in check. I wouldn't have made an issue of cleaning up after his son - you are his fiance and have been together five years, I think it is not unreasonable that you help out with something like that. I used to complain about a lot of stupid little things when I was younger (in other relationships). The older and more experienced I get, the less I consider things to be issues. Clearly, he is feeling resentment that some things that you have been upset about have not been big deals. Are you guys able to sit down and calmly discuss what these issues are? Since you are engaged, this is something that should be discussed before marriage. I suppose I should answer the question too. We have had one "blow up" (alcohol-fueled after a wedding, I was sober and tired, he was drunk and happy/hyper, we should have discussed the issue in the morning but.. yuck, just wasn't good), and one disagreement (no yelling, ever), in the past 18 months.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 OP, your engagement is like my marriage. My advice? Get out LOL Carhill, well said. Lexi I have to agree, and I've said it before - I don't think you two are truly meant to be together. Feels to me like you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. My b/f and I have been together 4.5 years. As everyone here knows things are not perfect (I want to be further along than he is ready for at this point) - but I can count on probably 1 hand, the number of true fights we have had. And NONE of those have ever felt weird days later. And if he was ever passive aggressive to me, in front of others - as your fiance appears to be, I'd absolutely furious. Sure we bicker, and it turns into a joke - that happens all the time. But real fights? Very few - that's why I stay
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