chimpy Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Hello, I've stumbled upon this site after a google search looking for others that are in my same position. I need to vent over my social life, and this seems like an acceptable place to do it since nobody else cares. If not, I kindly apologize in advance. Be warned this does involve a bit of a life story, so it might seem lengthy. Well, I am about to turn 19 pretty soon. My educational and professional life are superb, on track to finish my bachelor's degree by age 21, and my first and only job is great fun and will be held until I get my career. That aspect of my life is fine and dandy. Now the social part, which is an embarrassment. For some reason, all throughout elementary and middle school I kept to myself out of voluntary choice. I have no idea what I was thinking, but oh well. High school comes, didn't make any friends earlier so I am friendless. I get my current job (movie theatre) in junior year and my social life takes off. I am meeting new people at my work, all my age and in school. Great--well not quite. It *was* great because it was a new experience for me. Everything is still the same, I am still meeting people at my job and we bond really well--at work. I have asked them to hang out, and we do, but I am ALWAYS the one taking the initiative. I don't get it, when I ask to hang out we usually do, so obviously these people don't mind my presence. Yet they never do any of the work. Usually we will hang out once or twice and then they stop answering their phones and never return my calls. But we see each other at work and they are all cheery and act as if we have been lifelong friends. They say some cop-out, like they never got my call or they were too busy to answer. ??? I am confused, to say the least!! I've been trying to make friends in my college, but everybody is interested in doing their own thing and the few that I have met were druggies. Work is the only place I meet people, but nobody wants to give me the time of day except once or twice. I have never had a girlfriend, gone out on dates yes. But no girlfriend--all the girls I took out on dates wanted to be "just friends." Boy if I had a girlfriend I would treat her like gold; I can't stand the thought of treating a girl any less, verbally or worse, physically. I guess this isn't what girls want though, they either want the jerk that treats them like garbage or the guy that is too afraid to even speak his name and would prefer to sleep all day long if given the chance. All in all, I am very frustrated and often times get depressed that this is my social life. No girls are attracted to me, nobody wants to see me anymore than they have to. Okay, I know what you are thinking: "Well YOU are doing something wrong!!" I thought that, but as I said everybody treats me well otherwise. I ask my coworkers (the only people I know) to be honest and tell me what is wrong with me, literally telling them I will reward them for their honest, constructive criticism, and they say "nothing, you're a pretty chill guy!" I know there is not some professional gag order here--my job is as relaxed as it gets socially. Same thing with the girls. The same girls I took out on dates are now dating a jerkface or some guy that has lived under a rock for decades. ???? I am baffled, I supposedly am doing nothing wrong and am attractive as a friend and boyfriend yet nobody gives me the time of day. I got so desperate today that I phoned everybody I have seen in the past month asking if they wanted to do something this weekend. No answer, left a voicemail--no response. And I phoned about 5 otherwise non-flaky people, not one response. So now I am alone, all I have to focus on is school and obtaining a career. I *dream* of starting a family and having close friends to truly share all of life together. I would love to finish a rough day by going home to a wife/girlfriend or at least having some close friend waiting to get a drink with or something. Yet I don't know when or if I will get married since no girl wants me as a boyfriend, and I don't know when I will have such close friends since nobody wants to see me outside of work. But yeah, I am a "chill guy that nobody could hate" -- yeah right, I wish somebody would tell me the truth so I can improve. Phew, okay I have vented and now I will go to bed. I don't want sympathy or anything like that, I just wish someone had the answers. I know nobody does, so all I do is hope and hope that my social life will get better someday. I can't stand spending another Saturday night at home watching TV since nobody returned my phone calls. ---
WTRanger Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 "chill guy that nobody could hate" There's the problem. You have no mystery left to you. You need to show emotion, fire, and yes sometimes rage. The reason why people don't return your calls and then act as if nothing happened is because you let them. Get pissed at them once and a while. Show then you won't be a doormat. That's why girls want to be just friends with you, you have no mystery left. Yes, you should treat girls well but not so well that they lose respect for you as a mate. It's also hard right now to meet girls as most college girls are still in "jerk mode" where they want that challenge and excitement of dating a total douche bag. You don't need to be a douche but you need to set limits on what you will and will not do. You have what is known as the nice guy syndrome. It's certainly not a bad thing to have, but it doesn't do well for your dating life. Sometimes there is such a thing as being "too nice." I know, I've been in/currently in your shoes. I'm working on becoming less doormat and more assertive. Assertive in a good way, not just being a jerk to be a jerk. But you can't let people walk all over you in the fear that you might make them mad. If someone pisses you off, call them out. It's not wrong to show emotions. You obviously can't fly off the handle and just scream at someone for not returning a call, but show a little anger. Because it does piss you off, so let it out. Don't be afraid to make friends but also don't be afraid to make enemies. It's not an overnight fix for sure. It sounds easy to fix, but it's not. It's hard to change, but you have to try. Plus, dude, you're only 19. You've got so much more life ahead of you. When you hit 90, then you should be concerned about your life being over. Just keep going, things fall into place. Stop worrying about the way things should be and accept things for the way they are. Work with what life gives you, not against it.
Author chimpy Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 WTRanger, Thank you for your reply and constructive criticism. I am a bit of a doormat now that I think about it. Again, thank you for reading my vent and offering the advice. -chimpy
onefunnybabe Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 I think maybe you are wanting more then perhaps they want to. I mean, you see them at work and for some people that is enough. Maybe if they or you stopped working there, they'd be more open to seeing you. People though are lazy and sometimes my friends are like that as well and I end up initiating the social nights. Try not to take things personally. People got their issues as well. Anyways, just to respond to the other poster, not all women go through the phase of where they like to date jerks. I never was attracted to people like that so I never dated the bad boy. Perhaps it is because I am a nerd and expect to be with someone who wants me.
Not the love ace Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 There's the problem. You have no mystery left to you. You need to show emotion, fire, and yes sometimes rage. The reason why people don't return your calls and then act as if nothing happened is because you let them. Get pissed at them once and a while. Show then you won't be a doormat. That's why girls want to be just friends with you, you have no mystery left. Yes, you should treat girls well but not so well that they lose respect for you as a mate. It's also hard right now to meet girls as most college girls are still in "jerk mode" where they want that challenge and excitement of dating a total douche bag. You don't need to be a douche but you need to set limits on what you will and will not do. You have what is known as the nice guy syndrome. It's certainly not a bad thing to have, but it doesn't do well for your dating life. Sometimes there is such a thing as being "too nice." I know, I've been in/currently in your shoes. I'm working on becoming less doormat and more assertive. Assertive in a good way, not just being a jerk to be a jerk. But you can't let people walk all over you in the fear that you might make them mad. If someone pisses you off, call them out. It's not wrong to show emotions. You obviously can't fly off the handle and just scream at someone for not returning a call, but show a little anger. Because it does piss you off, so let it out. Don't be afraid to make friends but also don't be afraid to make enemies. It's not an overnight fix for sure. It sounds easy to fix, but it's not. It's hard to change, but you have to try. Plus, dude, you're only 19. You've got so much more life ahead of you. When you hit 90, then you should be concerned about your life being over. Just keep going, things fall into place. Stop worrying about the way things should be and accept things for the way they are. Work with what life gives you, not against it. I really agree with WTRanger. Its true. I wouldn't say I have the most friends in the world, not by far; but I think sometimes my personality might be a little bit too much for people and that's something that works for and against me. It makes me friends or people find me interesting but don't want to hang out. Don't worry, you have a lot left.
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