Ruby Slippers Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 A male friend that I started hanging out with last year as both of our relationships were breaking down and we were on the verge of breakups has recently started flirting with me rather directly. He was mildly flirtatious before, but he knew I was very loyal to my guy (and I hope he was loyal to his girl), so it was subtle. We both broke up about six months ago, and didn't see each other for a while after that (busy, winter, breakup blahs). Now we're both single, starting to hang out again, and he's gradually started being flirty. I am not interested in him romantically, but I would like to maintain the friendship if possible, as I think we can offer each other a lot more as friends than we could as lovers. Should his flirtation escalate to advances, how can I decline politely, in a way that allows us to continue to be friends?
The Blue Pill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Not everyone will be OK with being "just friends". If he truly has developed strong feelings for you, there is no easy way to let him down. The best thing you can do is be honest, how he reacts is out of your control. Something along the lines of: "I enjoy being friends with you and I enjoy your company but I don't think we'd be a good match for each other" or something like that. You basically need to snuff out the fire before it gets too big. Quickly and firmly. Sorry, that may not have been what you wanted to hear, but it's really up to him after that. Good luck!
Charles1978 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Yeah if he has feelings for you, it will be tough. Personally, I cannot be friends with girls that I am wanting more with. It has only happened once, but I had to cut it off. It is just too hard. But the best policy is to be honest and open about your feelings. This instance I am referring to was different, because she told me she was interested but the "timing wasn't right". BS! It took a long time for me to realize she was full of it. But just be honest about it, because he will figure it out eventually and will resent you for leading him on, as I did.
Scum Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I was very loyal to my guy I admire you. I wish there were more great women like you around! Anyway, you need to make it clear to him that you are not interested in dating him. You need to do this sooner rather than later! Otherwise it will just be awkward for the two of you and inevitably there will be a big fallout that will feel like you two are breaking up.how can I decline politely, in a way that allows us to continue to be friends? Thats the golden question. There is not an easy way to shut someone down. Being rejected is never fun, but hey its life and not your fault. Its important he knows your view, and I hope you two can be friends once its said. But it doesn't always workout the way you plan. Good luck!
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Something along the lines of: "I enjoy being friends with you and I enjoy your company but I don't think we'd be a good match for each other" or something like that. OK, that helps. Thanks. This instance I am referring to was different, because she told me she was interested but the "timing wasn't right". BS! It took a long time for me to realize she was full of it. I think she was probably just trying to let you down easy. I was considering the exact same excuse, but decided polite honesty would be better. I think it would be unfair to give him false hope. *edit* I just saw the "she was interested" part. That is not cool! I admire you. I wish there were more great women like you around! Thanks.
carhill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Do you like that he is attracted to you? Think about that.... If he wasn't attracted to you, would you really want to be his friend, be interested in his life, his romances, his family and share those moments with him? Were you there for him, as a friend, during his breakup, as is normal for friends to be? Reflect on that and share it with him. Be honest.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Do you like that he is attracted to you? Think about that.... If he wasn't attracted to you, would you really want to be his friend, be interested in his life, his romances, his family and share those moments with him? Were you there for him, as a friend, during his breakup, as is normal for friends to be? Reflect on that and share it with him. Be honest. I am OK with him being attracted to me, but I wouldn't care if he weren't. I would still want to be his friend, either way. I was definitely there for him during his breakup, as he was for me during mine. While I feel some amount of attraction to him, because of differences in values and lifestyle, I am not interested in being anything more than friends. But I don't really need to get into all that with him. His values and lifestyle are fine with me, as long as we're just friends.
carhill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 OK, that's excellent. I would not be afraid to share that with him. Get back to us with how that goes. There's nothing wrong with being on different paths and sharing parts of your path with each other. Your desires and analysis appear healthy to me.
Stockalone Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I am not interested in him romantically, but I would like to maintain the friendship if possible, as I think we can offer each other a lot more as friends than we could as lovers. Should his flirtation escalate to advances, how can I decline politely, in a way that allows us to continue to be friends? As the other posters have suggested, be firm and very clear that you don't have any romantic interest in him. The following is someting I have been told, maybe you could use something similar. "Please don't take this the wrong way, and I don't want to imply anything. But I have gotten the impression that you have developed feelings towards me lately, that are no longer just platonic. I would like to continue our friendship, but only if you have no romantical feelings for me. I'd like for us to be on the same page about this. Everything else would be unfair to both of us." If he tells you he has a crush on you: "Those things can happen with friends of the opposite gender. It can even be flattering, but I wanted to make it clear that I think a platonic friendship is what is best for us, before misunderstandings arise and your crush develops into something more." If your friend will accept those terms is up to him. Some men have no problem with beings just friends, other might not be able to get over that crush as long as they are friends with you and will opt to not continue the friendship. Personally, I wouldn't mention: I think we can offer each other a lot more as friends than we could as lovers. That only adds insult to injury if a guy has romantic feelings for you. If he likes you as a friend and is willing to risk that friendship because he thinks it's worth it to try to have a relationship, that is not what a man wants to hear. That makes it sound like you value him and what he offers because you want or need someone you can talk to about the problems you are going to have with your next lover. The whole problem of being an emotional garbage can...
mr.dream merchant Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 To be honest there's no turning back as a male who's sexually attracted to and has feelings for his female friend. Its a big strain on that male friend. You may find him slowly distancing himself from you for a while, perhaps until he finds another female. This is why I believe attractive males and females cannot be friends. There will always be an attraction that will only grow stronger through the friendship the two share. I've been in that situation too many times.
Luscis Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I've been in this situation before where I was the one who became romanticaly interested in a friend that did not feel the same way about me. It can be hard since your both single, he has nothing to occupy him romanticly except for you and since your single too and hanging out with him it would be easy for a guy to expect you feel the same way he does. My advice is not to flirt back at all, and simply ignore his advances and see if he gets it. If you have to tell him straight out then don't be surprised if he avoids you.
somedude81 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 While I feel some amount of attraction to him, because of differences in values and lifestyle, I am not interested in being anything more than friends. Are his values and lifestyle so conflicting with yours that you can't imagine dating him? Also there is a small chance that if you reject him, the friendship will be over.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Are his values and lifestyle so conflicting with yours that you can't imagine dating him? Yes. While he maintains a pleasant demeanor when we spend time together, it's clear he has a cynical worldview, and tends to have a negative and defeatist attitude. I got PLENTY of that crap in my last relationship. He masked it very well at first, but it all came out later. I know this guy well enough to see it already. After being with a staunch skeptic and cynic for two years, I am only now beginning to feel like my usual positive, can-do self again, six months after the split. I think he is drawn to my optimism and positive attitude, and I appreciate his high level of intelligence and life experience. Also, it seems that he does not take commitment as seriously as I do. He appears to regard relationships as arrangements of convenience and practicality, whereas I am all sappy lovey romantic. I can't imagine that his cold approach toward love could ever mesh with my sparkles and rainbows point of view.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 It can be hard since your both single, he has nothing to occupy him romanticly except for you and since your single too and hanging out with him it would be easy for a guy to expect you feel the same way he does. My advice is not to flirt back at all, and simply ignore his advances and see if he gets it. If you have to tell him straight out then don't be surprised if he avoids you. I know he's been dating a bit. He's probably just testing the waters. He's smart, so I think he'll get the hint if I don't reciprocate the flirting -- which I won't.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Personally, I wouldn't mention... Oh, I would never actually say that!
somedude81 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Yes. While he maintains a pleasant demeanor when we spend time together, it's clear he has a cynical worldview, and tends to have a negative and defeatist attitude. I got PLENTY of that crap in my last relationship. He masked it very well at first, but it all came out later. I know this guy well enough to see it already. After being with a staunch skeptic and cynic for two years, I am only now beginning to feel like my usual positive, can-do self again, six months after the split. I think he is drawn to my optimism and positive attitude, and I appreciate his high level of intelligence and life experience. Also, it seems that he does not take commitment as seriously as I do. He appears to regard relationships as arrangements of convenience and practicality, whereas I am all sappy lovey romantic. I can't imagine that his cold approach toward love could ever mesh with my sparkles and rainbows point of view. OK. That is a VERY valid reason. It seems obvious that if you two got together it would turn ugly. Thank you for taking the time to reply. May your rainbows sparkle for ever :cough
Luscis Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Why do you hang out with him then? Perhaps you should just stop seeing him and get yourself some ant-prozac if you feel your to happy, it would make things alot simpler. Honestly, I can't stand negative people either.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 Just wanted to update and let you know that it seems to have turned out well. I actually gave him a few hours working for me (work he can do from anywhere), and I have kept the relationship strictly friendly and professional. He's doing great work, and he seems to have gotten the hint that I am not interested (I hope!). He has stopped the flirting, which I'm glad about. However, he did suggest coming over to play some music together next week (we are both musicians). We have been to each other's places one time each and just hung out. When he came here, I spent some time training him and getting him started on the projects he's doing for me. I do have to admit there was some sexual tension in the air when we were alone at our places, but I did not let anything happen. Does it sound like he's still hoping to get lucky? I am kind of thinking I shouldn't let him come over at all. We had lunch today and he told me about his plans to spend the weekend in the burbs with his now-and-then FWB, and I was glad to hear that he is involved with someone in some capacity -- takes the pressure off a bit.
CommitmentPhobe Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 You have some attraction to him and there is a sense of sexual tension in the air He appears to have some kind of a crush on you hmmm.... I think this is only ok if you're BOTH aware that you're not suited to each other. Thing I don't like about this is the whole hint thing, why not communicate instead of dropping hints? You're friends after all.
boldjack Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Emotions in a friendship can be as powerful as in a romance. If there is sexual tension present as well, then the dividing line between friend and lover may become very dim. If you already realize that you're not compatible as lovers, and these other feelings are present, my advice would be to keep any relationship on a professional level. No personal contacts whatsoever. This way all of the above scenarios will be avoided. I believe that it is good advice to never let personal and professional mix.
mr.dream merchant Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 As a guy who's been there before, its tough being friends with a chick you want more with. In most cases, its too tough, and the guy will usually back out of the friendship as a whole. Tell him like it is, don't let him lead himself on by taking your kindness for what it isn't, an invitation. Also, maybe he was never really a true friend so to speak. Perhaps one of those guys who befriended you with ulterior motives? You said when you two were both dating (him and his gf, you and your bf) he'd still flirt with you. In my opinion that isn't okay friend behavior, especially knowing that you have BF. Now that you don't, it only makes sense the flirting is escalating because now he doesn't have an obstacle in the way of getting what he truely wanted in the first place. Sounds like a classic case of a fake platonic relationship from the male party's end.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 I hear what you all are saying, definitely. It seems to me that he's the kind of guy who has several female friends at any time and if he's attracted to some of them, he will see where it goes. He has told me about his past, times that he was attracted to a female friend and it didn't go anywhere for whatever reason, and he always managed to be OK with that and keep the friendship going. Like I said before, he seems to have a pretty casual attitude toward relationships -- if friendships turn into just sex or a relationship, great. If not, it's not gonna break his heart. He is friends with a number of exes and former crushes, he tells me, and it seems to work fine for him. I like having him as a friend. The way things are right now is just right for me. As for mixing personal and professional, I have just hired two freelance employees, and both of them are friends. Due to the nature of my business, my personality, and my lifestyle, this is what I am comfortable with. I can communicate easily with both of them, and the working relationships thus far have been wonderful. We can transition into employer/employee mode easily, and I am confident that if any complications arise, we will handle them with maturity. Part of the reason I chose them is that they are very easy to communicate with and no-drama. He has not made any obvious kind of move, so I don't feel it makes sense for me to take a firm stance on my lack of interest. But I am taking actions to communicate that in other ways. Last time we had lunch, he insisted on paying -- I took this as a hint of interest in something more than friendly, as we had always split the check before. But I wasn't sure, because I had just trained him and gotten him up to speed on the project I assigned him. His work hours were just cut, so he says he is grateful for the work I'm giving him. My field is the one he has a master's degree in, but he has never worked in it as directly as I am. So, this time, I grabbed the check. I mention the guys popping up on my radar, and he talks to me about potential sex/relationship partners for him (and the current FWB). Yesterday he asked me, "How does it feel to be able to pick the guy you want like fruit from a tree?" I laughed, as it's not really that simple, and replied, "Being a girl has its perks."
Milanista Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 As a guy who's been there before, its tough being friends with a chick you want more with. In most cases, its too tough, and the guy will usually back out of the friendship as a whole. Tell him like it is, don't let him lead himself on by taking your kindness for what it isn't, an invitation. Also, maybe he was never really a true friend so to speak. Perhaps one of those guys who befriended you with ulterior motives? You said when you two were both dating (him and his gf, you and your bf) he'd still flirt with you. In my opinion that isn't okay friend behavior, especially knowing that you have BF. Now that you don't, it only makes sense the flirting is escalating because now he doesn't have an obstacle in the way of getting what he truely wanted in the first place. Sounds like a classic case of a fake platonic relationship from the male party's end. I'm afraid im stuck in a similar situation, but I'm the male. It is actually incredibly hard... I'd consider myself to be a good friend, but its probably fueled by my emotions, which might be the case with the OP's guy. The girl thats involved with me said multiple times that she doesnt want anything because she doesn't want to hurt me, yet we've gotten together twice... so it hurts me much more and I find it near impossible to back off, especially since we've become such close friends. So its true, being friends with someone you're attracted to is extremely difficult, so the guy that might be interested in you will find it very hard...
boldjack Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Ruby, Your picking the check up for lunch sends just the right signal. My advice was purely cautionary. The actions you take will depend on how this situation unfolds. Maybe a confrontation will prove unnecessary, let's hope so.
photaubay98 Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 here comes again the question if a man and a woman can just be "friends"... i think it is possible if there is no physical attraction from both sides, a kinda "platonic", but the reality i guess it's more complicated, since the attraction can be more or less... so when is it still "acceptable" and when too much ?
Recommended Posts