Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I am a 24 year old graduate student in an University. I am actually from India and have been living here in the US for 2 years now. I have seen a strange thing and that is white American girls usually (like say 99% times) would not date an Indian guy. I accept that a lot of Indians have issues with assimilation but I myself have experienced this problem in dating world first hand. And I am NOT the type who doesn't want to assimilate. I actually make friends with people with all ethnic background and really open minded. So what's going on? Is it looks, tradition, color or something. Please feel free to give your opinion. You can also be judgmental and pass your judgment on Indian guys if you want. I want to understand your perspective. No hard feelings. I sometimes feel very alienated by this general behavior. I want brutally honest answers.
era Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Maybe it's the city you live in ? just asking... Here in Vancouver, Canada it is an non-issue because the city is so multi-cultural.
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Yeah maybe. I honestly hope that's just the case 'coz then the problem is temporary.
confused_2008 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I agree it may be your location. Also, many people date others that are ethnically similar to them. People with similar backgrounds have similar triggers that allow them to naturally click. That's hard to find with such a different ethnic background. Also, *I feel terrible for even writing this, but you want brutally honest...* A lot of Indian men I've been around in my classes have such a strong body odor it's repulsive (at least to me). I've heard it's curry from traditional Indian foods and/or not bathing as often as some do here, but either way I sometimes even get a headache from it. I guess this goes back to the assimilation you were talking about. Also, smell plays a big part of attraction. Doesn't mean these guys smell "bad", it's just not what white women are used to guys smelling like. Just my $0.02
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 No actually I would say they smell bad. It's not the girl's fault if they smell like ****. I can smell body odor from really far away (like say 6 feet) even if you taken a shower even an hour ago (yeah i know I am kinda weird. lol) and tell if you are using any deo or not. I can assure you I am not one of them. lol
Sam Spade Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I'll give you the honest answers - I've studied with many indian guys, all of them great and very intelligent people. This is just a list of some things that I've noticed: 1) personal hygiene. Some Indian guys I've known literally reek of indian spices/cousine from afar. Even without the spices, not the best personal hygiene. I lived with indian roommates for one summer, and I hate to say that they had the filthiest bathroom I've ever seen. I've visited the house of other indian friends - not particularly clean as well. 2) Eating habits - it seems that making noises while chewing is fine in the Indian culture, but westerners are conditioned to try to eat in as a restrained manner as possible. 3) English speaking skills/accent. Indian accent is pretty strong, perhaps the strongest there is, so it takes really good English speaking skills to rectify it. 4) You already mentioned that some Indian guys simply don't care to assimilate, but that obviously does not apply to you. That's really all that I've seen that could be construed as an occasional barrier to seamless interaction. Prteey minor stuff as you can see.. If none of the above are issues for you, you're good to go. Not to mention that you've got centuries worth of colonial pizzaz, so bust it out, man! I.e. pay serious attention to personal style too... I have not noticed any patterns as far as social skills are concerned - some of the Indian guys I've known were pretty smooth, some were socially inadequate. So that has nothing to do with national origin. In any case, it always pays to pay attention to what's going on in different social situations and try to adjust.
norajane Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 There can be an assumption made that Indian men (and women) will ultimately be looking to marry someone Indian. Which really doesn't make Indian men a good prospect for dating if a girl is hoping to date, fall in love, and get into a long term relationship leading to marriage. They don't want to be some guy's hook up or temporary gf, when he has every intention of ending up with an Indian woman. I used to work at tech company with a lot of Indian men, recently from India, and I have to say, sense of humor was also an issue. Not with everyone of course, but my sense of humor didn't seem to match up with theirs, so conversations weren't as easy.
Sam Spade Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Lastly, even when you're perfect, don't forget that US is one of the least cosmopolitan nations in the western world (in spite of all that empty talk about being a nation of immigrants blah-blah-blah; applies only to the coastal big cities). The women particularly, in general, are unaware, unwilling, or unable to interact productively with guys from other countries. So as a foreigner you will always be at a slight disadvantage on the dating market. But, don't let this get to you - the worst you can do is to become bitter about it. Just keep kicking ass (and as long as you do that, you'll be getting it too ). I've moved to the US from Europe long time ago, and I had to outperform the average american man by orders of magnitude before dating became efortless. (Now I'm returning the favor by being incredibly picky )
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Good job people. I am really getting a nice analysis of the problem. So 50% of the work is almost over (properly defining a problem is always 50% of any any solution to any problem). So what are your suggestion. As far as I am concerned these are the things which doesn't apply to me: 1. I do take care of hygiene 2. I love tasting different types of food so I love the diversity and the last time I had curry was like 1 year ago. 3. I don't have the stupid mentality where someone mentions that Indians have to be with Indians in the end. But I guess people always doubt that. lol. I love diversity. Diversity, Diversity, Diversity all the way. So how do you think I should tackle the situation.
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Now Sam I know girls here dig European guys. You had an advantage. lol. That's far from a disadvantage.
Crestfallen_KH Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I've worked for years in technology/consulting companies and have worked with and managed several folks from India. One of the common threads I've noticed is that many Indian men and women tend to be quiet and shy. When you engage them in one-on-one conversation, they are always intelligent and delightful, but in groups they appear to be the quietest of the bunch. This isn't in all cases, mind you, but American woman are usually on the lookout for confidence, and Indian men don't often project this image. Another barrier might be the assumption that, once you put in a few years and make some money, you'll want to move back to India. It doesn't make much sense to get involved with someone who will eventually want to move back to his home country. I married a Canadian and it's really just so much easier to avoid even getting into an immigration/green card situation, even if he wants to live forever in the U.S. I have noticed that Indian men have a tough time dating here. I think the fact that you often see Indian men married to Indian women also perpetuates the belief some may have that Indians aren't interested in dating Americans, when that may not be the case at all.
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Nice analysis crestfallen. Are you are guy or a girl? Since the problem is mostly about assumptions and misinformation how would you handle it? One way would be to go direct about it - razor sharp. Like say, Me - Hey I am going to the Museum on Sunday. It's a great exhibition going on. You wanna come? Girl - Umm, sorry, I got a **** load of work to do that day. Me - Hmm, you got one of those stereotypes? Girl - What? Me - Those. Those stereotypes about Indian men? Girl - (Probably laughing at this point) I don't know. Umm. What stereotypes? Me - Indian guys dating American chicks and then going back home to get married to some "nice, homely Indian girl". Girl - That's true. isn't it? Me - I am not so sure. I don't see myself doing that. Girl - You asking me out? Me - Yeah. I am asking you out. Let me know if this kinda hard hitting approach helps fight the stereotypes. Thanks a lot for all the analysis.
Sam Spade Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Nice analysis crestfallen. Are you are guy or a girl? Since the problem is mostly about assumptions and misinformation how would you handle it? One way would be to go direct about it - razor sharp. Like say, Me - Hey I am going to the Museum on Sunday. It's a great exhibition going on. You wanna come? Girl - Umm, sorry, I got a **** load of work to do that day. Me - Hmm, you got one of those stereotypes? Girl - What? Me - Those. Those stereotypes about Indian men? Girl - (Probably laughing at this point) I don't know. Umm. What stereotypes? Me - Indian guys dating American chicks and then going back home to get married to some "nice, homely Indian girl". Girl - That's true. isn't it? Me - I am not so sure. I don't see myself doing that. Girl - You asking me out? Me - Yeah. I am asking you out. Let me know if this kinda hard hitting approach helps fight the stereotypes. Thanks a lot for all the analysis. No, not a good idea at all... Stick to a conventional approach of being uber cool and nonchalant. So that she's all "boo, this indian guy at work is kinda intriguing; i wonder if he'd be interested to see my pantie collection, etc."
Sam Spade Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Now Sam I know girls here dig European guys. You had an advantage. lol. That's far from a disadvantage. Nah, they say they do, but on average, prefer to admire them from a distance. I base this not only on my own experience, but also on the experience of other European colleagues who have had much better success (and more fun) dating non-american girls. No big deal, just need to be slightly better to get the same return that a born here american would. Just like in the job market .
yongyong Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I am an Asian guy and I will give you an honest advice. I see two types of indian people. one is totally americanized (born here, had good education, from wealthy family) and the other one is those IT looking people (got it?) if you lived here only 2 years, you must have thick indian accent. that is very turn off to a girl. (it's very different situation for an italian guy though) I am sure you can carry intelligent conversation in your study group things like that. However when it comes to girls, it's totally different. it's not just about conveying your opinion. I spoked to hundreds of women by going out every week past 2 years. I think I almost overcame that issue but still got a lot to work on. Second is your looks. get rid of fobbish style. if you have a style like those IT people, just dream about getting a white girl friend. I saw this indian guy hitting on white chicks at the coffee shop. he was talking well and seemed like he didn't give a damn (good thing). But obviously I couldn't imagine this indian dude and that white girl as a couple. so get rid of those certain indian guy hair style and get american style clothes. you can be proud of your culture. but if you listen to those indian music and wear some traditional clothes, it will scare them away (unless she is fascinated by your culture). when in rome, do as romans do. well indian people are more conservative than asian people. honestly I think it's harder for indian guys to meet white girls. let's make it simple, just imagine yourself with a white girl you like, does it look normal? does it look awkward? for me, I can imagine myself with a classy brunette girl, but not those bimbo looking blonde girl.
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Dude I have a hard time adjusting the uber cool to showing I am not interested at all. How do I do the two at the same time? If I am so nonchalant she would actually think I am not interested (forget about panty collection. lol). Happened to me lots of times and then I used a hyper way of approaching and it didn't work either. It's so F****** tricky.
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Yongyong I totally agree with you. I actually follow the principles you are talking about. Yeah I can see myself with a brunette and some of your so-called bimbos too but not the type whose dad has lots of money and is some sorority head or something. I guess I need some more work.
yongyong Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 http://www.tsbmag.com/2008/12/16/how-to-make-a-direct-opener-work/ check out this guy. he is a dating coach. he is not an indian but looks like indian lol another advice, please do get white friends you could be whitest indian guy in your indian group but you will be still judged by the group you are in.
Sam Spade Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Dude I have a hard time adjusting the uber cool to showing I am not interested at all. How do I do the two at the same time? If I am so nonchalant she would actually think I am not interested (forget about panty collection. lol). Happened to me lots of times and then I used a hyper way of approaching and it didn't work either. It's so F****** tricky. This drifts into really esoteric teritorry... Don't try to learn some "tricks" or stuff like that. You neeed to learn to be happy and comfortable with yourself, which really applies to all men in all situations, whatever the culture. That said, you'll need to spend some time studying the western cultural cliches that accompany male-female interactions, something that locals don't have to think about. They're formulaic and even annoying, but can't do without them... If my avatar isn't self-explanatory, I'd recommend watching a bunch of old movies (seriously). Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Humphrey Bogart, etc. - they all give you clean illustration of how to combine the two attitudes. It is fine to express interest, just don't be *overeager*... At 24, most guys are still awkward with women, so don't sweat it too much. You only have the added inconvenience of having to pay attention to formulas of interaction the people from this culture take for granted...You'll screw up, but next time will be better etc.
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Yeah. Like you have to have special skill sets which cannot be found in US and needs to be imported. That's a wonderful analogy dude.
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 This drifts into really esoteric teritorry... Don't try to learn some "tricks" or stuff like that. You neeed to learn to be happy and comfortable with yourself, which really applies to all men in all situations, whatever the culture. That said, you'll need to spend some time studying the western cultural cliches that accompany male-female interactions, something that locals don't have to think about. They're formulaic and even annoying, but can't do without them... If my avatar isn't self-explanatory, I'd recommend watching a bunch of old movies (seriously). Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Humphrey Bogart, etc. - they all give you clean illustration of how to combine the two attitudes. It is fine to express interest, just don't be *overeager*... At 24, most guys are still awkward with women, so don't sweat it too much. You only have the added inconvenience of having to pay attention to formulas of interaction the people from this culture take for granted...You'll screw up, but next time will be better etc. Yeah I guess I have to watch those movies. Where are you from europe? I used to watch like loads of european movies at a time.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 You know, I think I always had this image of Indian guys (customer service numbers outsourced to India...UGH) until I started watching Heroes. Now I have to say that Mohinder Suresh's character has to be one of (if not THE) hottest actors on that show. I adore his accent (because I can actually understand him unlike the customer service people) and love his look. I'd say if you have the hygiene thing under control and girls can actually understand you, it may just be the area you live in.
Author Lost_2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 hahaha. Why does this thing comes up all the time? Customer service - people with super thick accent - Indians. haha. It's so funny. I like Lost more than Heroes though.
PinkKittyKat Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I am an Asian guy and I will give you an honest advice. I see two types of indian people. one is totally americanized (born here, had good education, from wealthy family) and the other one is those IT looking people (got it?) if you lived here only 2 years, you must have thick indian accent. that is very turn off to a girl. (it's very different situation for an italian guy though) I'm one of the girls that digs swarthy Indian men with hot accents. Girls like that exist! Mohinder from Heroes has an Indian/British thing going on and it used to really toast my cookies! I am sure you can carry intelligent conversation in your study group things like that. However when it comes to girls, it's totally different. it's not just about conveying your opinion. I spoked to hundreds of women by going out every week past 2 years. I think I almost overcame that issue but still got a lot to work on. Listen to this man, he knows what he's talking about! Charm is one of those elusive things. It's not so much WHAT you say, but how you phrase it that counts. Second is your looks. get rid of fobbish style. if you have a style like those IT people, just dream about getting a white girl friend. I saw this indian guy hitting on white chicks at the coffee shop. he was talking well and seemed like he didn't give a damn (good thing). But obviously I couldn't imagine this indian dude and that white girl as a couple. so get rid of those certain indian guy hair style and get american style clothes. you can be proud of your culture. but if you listen to those indian music and wear some traditional clothes, it will scare them away (unless she is fascinated by your culture). when in rome, do as romans do. LOL@fobbish, TERRIBLE! It's true, sometimes if a man is wearing very "culturally traditional clothes" it makes people assume that he does not speak the language, or is not interested in dating a white girl. well indian people are more conservative than asian people. honestly I think it's harder for indian guys to meet white girls. Possibly, though not to hear my many asian guy friends complain! LOL They always ask me, "Speaking as a white girl, would you date me, an asian man? What would be a white girls' issues about it?" I always laugh and say that I'd be fine with it as long as I didn't have a bf and maybe they should ask the girls they're ACTUALLY interested in! At any rate, I usually find exotic looking men quite intriguing... Asian especially, Indian, Greek(current bf is an almond-eyed, olive-skinned Greek boy:love:).. many women feel the same. My last ex was a half native-canadian, half jewish. He had a unique look to him that was beyond "brown haired white boy". And he had a big nose, which is TRES hot. let's make it simple, just imagine yourself with a white girl you like, does it look normal? does it look awkward? for me, I can imagine myself with a classy brunette girl, but not those bimbo looking blonde girl. This isn't always true. I'm a spunky pink haired goth girl.... my bf is a calm business casual male-model type. WE get a lot of funny looks! Anyway, OP sounds like a catch, and if you don't live in a main port city then you may want to relocate, just for a few months...maybe take a college course in a different city. Meet some diverse gals. Heck, come to Vancouver, maybe some of my single friends would like to meet you!
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 hahaha. Why does this thing comes up all the time? Customer service - people with super thick accent - Indians. haha. It's so funny. I like Lost more than Heroes though. Let me tell you - one of the WORST experiences I've ever had with customer service wasn't even anybody's fault. It was a misunderstanding. But the guy on the other line in India was trying to tell me that I was out $200 and it was MY fault. Damn DirecTV. I was about to file a complaint with the BBB about them and I saw a request on BBB's website that rather than making a complaint, try calling corporate first. I did so and the lady apologized profusely and refunded my money - saying it was an "oops" on their part - it never should have been charged. The guy in India was clearly reading off a script because I'd ask a question or make a comment and I'd hear pages turning and then he'd read whatever it told him to say. It was MADDENING! Mohinder: http://z.about.com/d/tvdramas/1/0/O/D/hero-sendram.jpg Rrrrreeeooowwwrrr, that guy's a hottie. Sendhil Ramamurthy - apparently born and raised in the US, but both parents are from Bangalore. I also think M. Night Shyamalan is rather attractive. My only personal experience with an Indian man was on eH and he was pretty pushy. He would not respect my wishes that I wasn't ready to speak on the phone, and he kept bringing up sex A LOT (on our FIRST conversation). But really, I wouldn't guess this is an Indian thing - more that the guy was just a weirdo. I wouldn't discount all Indians from my experiences with customer service or the douche from eH.
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