cek Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I've been told that when a SO decides to just be friends, but says things such as not wanting to lose you forever, things can still work out after all, etc., that it's all simply a ploy. He/she does not really mean it, & is either trying to play you or string you along. Is that really true? Can they ever be sincere in saying those types of things? Or are those things always "lines" the dumper uses? I would like to think that they can be sincere in saying those things. My SO said them, and perhaps I am a hopeless romantic, but I would at least hope he meant it. He is not the type of person to "play" someone, and has never acted in such a way. If it were a ploy of some kind, that would truly surprise me. I'm sure many here might consider me to be crazy, but I truly believe I've found the one for me. I could not simply move on from the one I love and believe I'm meant to be with. He has expressed on more than one occassion that things can still work for us, and he's never wanted to lose contact. In fact, he had told me that he was afraid of losing me forever. I think he is sincere, but I have been told by some that those are meaningless "lines". So what does everyone think? Can those things be said with sincerity? Can he be sincere?
The Blue Pill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 The person could be honestly telling you they want to be JUST friends, or they could be lying to see how you react (if you care about them). In either case, react like you would normally. If you care for her, of course you'll be sad and hurt. Don't change your reaction, keep it true. Chances are she seriously only wants to be friends. In that case, you have to determine if that is ok by you or not. If you love her too much, then you'll just have to tell her you can't be just friends with her, and start moving on. Best option would be No Contact (NC). Good luck either way.
seductress989 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Hi there, I would just like to offer my thoughts on your situation since I am usually the dumper in my relationships and have used these "terms" myself. When I tell a guy that I want to be "just friends" it means just that. Basically it's a nice way of someone telling you that they still care for you platonically and not romantically anymore. *It is also a sort of test that you do on yourself if you are the dumper.* It's clarifying when you are just friends with someone because you decide whether you miss being in love with them or just miss being a companion to them. (i am strict believer in tried and true 60 day NC post-breakup, then being "friends" is doable) Sometimes I have changed my mind after just being friends with someone, but remember not to force the guy to be your b/f if he is just wanting to be friends. Let him decide that and accept his decision for now. At least he still wants contact with you so you can value that at the very least. ..
carhill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2079172 Relax.... His actions over time will indicate his perspective. You may want a particular path for him, but you have no control over that. Personally, I wouldn't make such statements to a woman whom I knew was attracted to me/interested in a relationship but for whom I did not have like attraction and interest. I feel it is a matter of respect for the differences in our feelings. If such a dynamic were to change over time, well, it would change. So, for me, fiction. Others have their own psychology. Keeps life interesting
Author cek Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Hi there, I would just like to offer my thoughts on your situation since I am usually the dumper in my relationships and have used these "terms" myself. When I tell a guy that I want to be "just friends" it means just that. Basically it's a nice way of someone telling you that they still care for you platonically and not romantically anymore. *It is also a sort of test that you do on yourself if you are the dumper.* It's clarifying when you are just friends with someone because you decide whether you miss being in love with them or just miss being a companion to them. (i am strict believer in tried and true 60 day NC post-breakup, then being "friends" is doable) Sometimes I have changed my mind after just being friends with someone, but remember not to force the guy to be your b/f if he is just wanting to be friends. Let him decide that and accept his decision for now. At least he still wants contact with you so you can value that at the very least. .. I'm assuming that once you've told the guy you want to just be friends, that you mean just that, correct? My guy told me the same day that he wanted to stay friends because he didn't want to lose me forever. Ever since, I've received comments that perhaps the circumstances weren't right for us to be dating, and most recently that things can still work for us. We never had an NC period. I don't think he wanted it, and I know I would've gone crazy doing NC. I'm nuts now because we haven't spoken in nearly a week. Plus even though we were just friends, there were plenty of non-platonic moments. I have this nagging feeling that this is not completely over. You said yourself that when you say that to someone, you mean it. I doubt that within weeks, you would necessarily be saying those types of things, or engaging in non-platonic activity within days of being just friends. If he followed your mindset, why would he act that way and say those things?
Author cek Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2079172 Relax.... His actions over time will indicate his perspective. You may want a particular path for him, but you have no control over that. Personally, I wouldn't make such statements to a woman whom I knew was attracted to me/interested in a relationship but for whom I did not have like attraction and interest. I feel it is a matter of respect for the differences in our feelings. If such a dynamic were to change over time, well, it would change. So, for me, fiction. Others have their own psychology. Keeps life interesting Oh, I'm trying to relax as much as a basket-case possibly can . Go back to my post "Been to counseling, now what". I responded to your reply to me, and asked a few more questions. I can't remember everything I wrote, nor do I want to retype everything in a new thread. But please, go back and read my update. I think I'm going crazy here for him.
seductress989 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Just give him so time...........he needs it. He is just trying to sort out his feelings and that can be hard for some of us (such as myself) lol I understand why guys do this: * because I have a hard time expressing my feelings myself.* (im more like a guy n that sense than a girl) Expressing feelings is like expressing weakness to me. It's difficult for me to tell someone i have feelings even though I may love the them deeply.Your guy may be scared like I am. Hence the reason I am single now. It is very hard for me to be as strong as I have been. I am fast approaching 2 weeks NC with the ex who I dumped without even telling him what I was doing. I basically cut off all contact with him one night in effort to test myself. Yes I know it's brutal but that's just me brutally honest. My ex has called me almost every day demanding an explanation and/or apologizing but guess what..........i am strong I have NOT responded. Why haven't I responded you may ask ? I need these 2 months to determine what my true feelings are for him and I believe this guy is in the same boat as me. He may still love you but he needs time to figure it out or.......he may not. You have to be prepared for either outcome. Be strong.........you can do this as "friends" or good ole' NC.
Author cek Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 I don't know what to do anymore. He hasn't spoken with me in nearly a week, if not more. We were never NC, so this is quite new. I've seen from social networking sites that he's been talking with some girl from another state, long distance. This girl is farther than I am from him. From what I could gather, it seems that she is going to see him next week. I'm not sure if there's anything between them. I can't tell. He does have more female friends than male friends. He also told me that if he were to find someone he'd tell me about it and he hasn't told me anything. I'm sorry Carhill, but I can't relax. I almost feel that although he needs time, if I'm going to say anything, it's now or never. I don't know exactly what I'd say, except for basically pouring my heart out to him. If I plan to say or do anything, it would have to happen before he were to get too far into a relationship, if that's what's even happening. I'm terrified that it could be, and I feel like I'm losing him. I know that I can't change him, but I doubt I can sit by and let him just go on with his life as though our relationship never existed. I don't even know if he understands the magnitude of this. I can barely walk on my own two feet, but I'd walk across the earth for him if I had to. I think things are getting down to the wire and I don't know what to do. Should I say anything? Yes, I've been giving him time, but he really needs to understand this. I'm afraid that it could be now or never .
carhill Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 OP, can I be honest on this Wednesday evening? Here's my guys perspective and take this from a guy who has a lot of female wiring.... I sometimes get PM's from LS ladies, sometimes really long and heartfelt ones and occasionally repeatedly (different stuff but same theme). I value and respect all the effort they put into what they share but I must say that it puts a good mirror up for me to look at myself in, as someone who likes writing long-winded essays on nearly everything. Frankly, sometimes, I get tired of reading them. I'll bet, likely more than sometimes, people get tired of reading mine. It's like that old saying where too much of a good thing is just too much. Or, as my wife so eloquently puts it "you like to talk things to death". Yes, I'm guilty of that. TBH, that's what I'm seeing as a tone to your pursuit of this matter. I just got off the phone with my female friend, talking some business and personal stuff, not even deep, and we were on the phone for almost two hours. Anything short of an hour is practically offensive or rude to us Seriously, though, sometimes, too much is just too much. I find myself stopping her, and I love to talk to her. Speaking of which, is it possible that your "nuts" has to do with a deeper connection which you believe is romantic but is actually something else? Perhaps that's what this man is trying to tell you, at least from his perspective. I would likely be telling you, at this point, that I feel overwhelmed, just by the signals you're sending out. I get this feeling sometimes and will call up my friend and tell her to take a chill pill 'cause she's killing me. Let's hope your guy is more of a "normal" guy and all this is resolvable. Something I learned dealing with my mom's mental illness is that each day is a new and unique potential. No one knows exactly what it will bring
Author cek Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 OP, can I be honest on this Wednesday evening? Here's my guys perspective and take this from a guy who has a lot of female wiring.... I sometimes get PM's from LS ladies, sometimes really long and heartfelt ones and occasionally repeatedly (different stuff but same theme). I value and respect all the effort they put into what they share but I must say that it puts a good mirror up for me to look at myself in, as someone who likes writing long-winded essays on nearly everything. Frankly, sometimes, I get tired of reading them. I'll bet, likely more than sometimes, people get tired of reading mine. It's like that old saying where too much of a good thing is just too much. Or, as my wife so eloquently puts it "you like to talk things to death". Yes, I'm guilty of that. TBH, that's what I'm seeing as a tone to your pursuit of this matter. I just got off the phone with my female friend, talking some business and personal stuff, not even deep, and we were on the phone for almost two hours. Anything short of an hour is practically offensive or rude to us Seriously, though, sometimes, too much is just too much. I find myself stopping her, and I love to talk to her. Speaking of which, is it possible that your "nuts" has to do with a deeper connection which you believe is romantic but is actually something else? Perhaps that's what this man is trying to tell you, at least from his perspective. I would likely be telling you, at this point, that I feel overwhelmed, just by the signals you're sending out. I get this feeling sometimes and will call up my friend and tell her to take a chill pill 'cause she's killing me. Let's hope your guy is more of a "normal" guy and all this is resolvable. Something I learned dealing with my mom's mental illness is that each day is a new and unique potential. No one knows exactly what it will bring So, you think I should not send him a message of any kind? To me, it would be like getting everything out of my system so that I can allow him to process and really understand my perspective about everything. I've found that he tends to underestimate a situation. Then, once given more details, he starts to see its gravity. For example, I think he understands that my upbringing and bullying had an impact on me but I doubt he understands just how much of an impact it really was. He believed that I thought no one would ever have an interest in me, but didn't know that I thought no one could ever have an interest in me. There is quite a difference between the two. And IMO, he needs to know that I thought no one could have an interest in me, in order for him to understand the impact it had on my life. I don't think my "nuts" feeling is anything else. If one were to question every romantic emotion that way, I suppose one can ask if there really is a definition of "love". I think anyone in a relationship would go nuts if their SO was looking for someone else. Does that mean their emotions are something other than love? Here is my view. I once had a crush on a boy several years ago, but was too afraid to tell him, though I tried dropping hints when I could. Anyway, once I had the nerve to tell him, he had a girlfriend that was rather serious. My point is that I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I want to be very clear of my feelings and intentions before this guy ends up in a serious relationship. The first boy was only a crush, and I was over it quickly. I was much younger. This guy is so much more than a crush. I can't get over someone I love.
carhill Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 If you can tell him in 10 words or less, you have my blessing. I could do it in half that amount Seriously, if I'm remembering right, you need to get to him in person (no letters or phone) and look him in the eyes when you tell him. Keep it simple.
seductress989 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Honestly, he may just be trying to see what else is out there. How old is he? I know that when guys start talking to other girls they are usually wanting something new and exciting. All prefaces aside : Let's be honest here: girl-to-girl: REAL men make the first move. If they want you they will call and do whatever it takes to see you or admit they're wrong. This is what guy does if he's IN to you. If's he's not doing these things, he's clearly not. Don't you want to be with someone who has mutual feelings for you? A one-sided relationship will never make you happy. Just remember that hon. I wish you the best.
Author cek Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Honestly, he may just be trying to see what else is out there. How old is he? I know that when guys start talking to other girls they are usually wanting something new and exciting. All prefaces aside : Let's be honest here: girl-to-girl: REAL men make the first move. If they want you they will call and do whatever it takes to see you or admit they're wrong. This is what guy does if he's IN to you. If's he's not doing these things, he's clearly not. Don't you want to be with someone who has mutual feelings for you? A one-sided relationship will never make you happy. Just remember that hon. I wish you the best. When we were in the relationship, he felt that it was one sided, but that I know was my fault. I have literally been bullied since my first day of Pre-K until the day I graduated high school. He was made fun of too, but not nearly to the extent I was. By the time I was ready to graduate, I would say I was clinically depressed. It's quite difficult to assume the first man to come along with an interest is sincere. Every time he complemented my in any way, I always told him that he was joking, and didn't really mean it. I believe that's what lead him to believe I only wanted a friendship. And I think that because I'd always "shoot him down" every time he tried to complement me, I can understand why he would stop doing that. I don't know if he would ever consider giving me a second chance, but my instinct tells me to at least try. Maybe he would start small, and be willing to give me a complement once in a while. By the way, he and I are both in our mid twenties. This was the first relationship for us both.
Author cek Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 If you can tell him in 10 words or less, you have my blessing. I could do it in half that amount Seriously, if I'm remembering right, you need to get to him in person (no letters or phone) and look him in the eyes when you tell him. Keep it simple. There's no way I can tell him besides through a letter. I am not in his area and won't be for quite some time. I was planning to tell him tonight. I doubt it could be done in ten words or less, as I have some explaining to do. I have things he needs to know in order to fully understand things. But I can say that I will keep it as short as possible, and hope for the best.
Author cek Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Well, I've told him everything. I found out he has a new gf. She spoke with me and was rather snippy towards me IMO. I don't know, but something about her doesn't seem right. And I'm not saying it because I love him. It's not my emotions talking, it's my instinct. Anyone ever experience this?
carhill Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Anyone ever experience this? Yeah, likely everyone on this board.... Sorry that it didn't go as well as you wished. The tone of his response (unknown to us) told you about the kind of man he is. Accept that.
Author cek Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Yeah, likely everyone on this board.... Sorry that it didn't go as well as you wished. The tone of his response (unknown to us) told you about the kind of man he is. Accept that. His response tone was fine, nothing wrong with it at all. It's HER tone that doesn't sit well with me. A littany of warnings? Making me feel inferior? Is all of that necessary? I don't know, something in my instinct tells me if she gets upset, she could go off the deep end. Again, NOT my emotions talking, pure fact.
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