Too late for NC? Any other ideas?

[chrissreef]

Great site! I wish I knew about this a LONG time ago! I would have done NC from day 1!

 

I’m going to implement NC but is it too late? Have I done too much damage or can NC occur later? I'm about to travel, is an empty post card from the place I visit every month violate NC? I appreciate any input – my responses might be slim as I’m out of town the next few days.

 

Basically I met my now ex-fiancee 2.5 yrs ago (now 25) dancing at a mutual friend’s bday party. We moved in after 2 months and it was magical for 1.75 yrs but then things started to get routine as we started trying to save for the wedding and stopped going out pretty much (this upcoming May). We had our typical squabbles but I didn’t think much of them because I come from a family of 5, she’s an only child, passive aggressive and has parents that probably never disagree about anything (everyone just agrees with Mom basically). I did something stupid in Aug. (took a girl out thinking I could re-ignite our relationship by somehow picking up flirting/excitement again - dumb dumb) and apologized as best as I could as it was a duuuuumb move and I realized how much I loved my girl. Touching occurred but no kissing, s&x or anything beyond the belt. She was hurt but I tried to make up and she said she was happy about my making up after a few weeks and we always talked about other’s relationship problems but not ours as we were “good.” Then in Nov. while she was watching tv randomly said she didn’t feel like she was as happy as she could. I come from a family with hobbies (was probably a bit too into mine and not spending enough time with her – not realizing it at that moment but did later so began planning something big for Christmas) so I mentioned she should think of some hobbies and get into one. A week passed and as we made dinner she mentioned some new 36 yr old trainer with the same name as me at <insert franchise gym> and I said “wow, sounds like you want to screw him or something” and she didn’t deny it but I rolled it off as a joke.

 

On Dec. 15 she seemed down so I told her to go out with her girls on Fri., take off her ring and dance and see how wonderful/desirable she is. She did that Fri. night and everything was normal for the weekend until she came home from the grocery store in tears. “I cheated on you, I think there may be someone better for us out there, I’m leaving you”. I was cooperative, crying and she asked if I was going to hit her or get angry at her (I've never hit her) and I just said "of course not, I love you". She grabbed a few things and left. We went to a counselor a few days later and she basically said she’s done with me and wasn’t interested in counseling and picked up 90% of her things. Worst Christmas Eve ever! (lol)

 

Over the next 4-6 weeks I got a few text’s and conversations of what other’s here have said. Needs space (6months-1 yr) to “figure herself out”, time for us to “heal” separately and then we can “live”. Has thought about us dating in the future but can’t read the future and doesn’t want to get my hopes up. She “definitely” wants me in her future (won’t specify friend or more – last convo it was as a friend but the one 3 days before was possibly getting back together). I’m too good for her. She loves and misses me. Can’t date two at once. Saw me with a girl and was "happy" I was dating someone (it wasn't a date). If she dates me and it doesn’t work, then she loses him and me. He would be “easy” to break up with. If she came back now she wouldn’t be “100%” and wants to date only if she can give it “100%”. I’m sure the guy is “fun” but as a “personal trainer stereotype” I’m giving, I don’t see the common interests other than physical fitness, health food and both social butterflies. He’s into bars, sports, offroading and not into dancing, the arts or travel like she’s been. I'm probably assuming a lot though.

 

Every single time she has contacted me I have basically poured me heart out, begged, offered change and asked questions – each time getting a shorter stay, colder or “I already know how you feel but nothing you say will make me come back right now”. Basically a contact every 1.5 weeks for the last 2.5 months. The last time I saw her 2 weeks ago she didn't act like she missed me one bit, but finally looked sad for a moment when I was about to leave and then sent an email the next day “thank you, thank you, and I do love you” and today a text “I got the package of my stuff, thank you sooooooo much”

 

They are obviously spending a lot of time together/practically living together, work out together and apparently he has a “lot” of friends.

 

Anyone have any idea what is going on in her mind or tips for me other than do NC from here on out? Her friends won’t talk, none unfriended me on social networks but said this chapter is closed. We’re at 2.5 months now since the “incident”. I think about her hourly… but I’m getting better.

Thanks sooooo much!

[msjules]

No, it is never too late to go NC. Ever. You don't even have to tell her you are going to do it. In fact, I wouldn't. It has more impact that way. Just start it and don't stop. Don't do it to get her back, do it for you to heal and get over her and move on. And no sending her postcards that are blank. That's manipulative and kind of strange to me.

 

What are you waiting for? She's moved on and so should you.

[BCCA]

Over the next 4-6 weeks I got a few text’s and conversations of what other’s here have said. Needs space (6months-1 yr) to “figure herself out”, time for us to “heal” separately and then we can “live”. Has thought about us dating in the future but can’t read the future and doesn’t want to get my hopes up. She “definitely” wants me in her future (won’t specify friend or more – last convo it was as a friend but the one 3 days before was possibly getting back together). I’m too good for her. She loves and misses me. Can’t date two at once. Saw me with a girl and was "happy" I was dating someone (it wasn't a date). If she dates me and it doesn’t work, then she loses him and me. He would be “easy” to break up with. If she came back now she wouldn’t be “100%” and wants to date only if she can give it “100%”. I’m sure the guy is “fun” but as a “personal trainer stereotype” I’m giving, I don’t see the common interests other than physical fitness, health food and both social butterflies. He’s into bars, sports, offroading and not into dancing, the arts or travel like she’s been. I'm probably assuming a lot though.

 

Replace every line of that with: 'here is some BS, I'm being selfish!'

 

Seriously, every part of that is total crap that people say to not geel guilty or look like the bad guy. Its not HER fault, SHE would love to get back, but it wouldnt be 100%, so what can she do right? She wants you in her future long enough to feel like you dont hate her, then she'll be done. You see, vague answers and beating around the bush are all she has for youl, because if she tells you the truth, youre going to be upset and not play along with her little game here.

 

Every single time she has contacted me I have basically poured me heart out, begged, offered change and asked questions

 

Well, you know thats a bad call. You never want anyone to know that youre waiting in the wings for them, if they so chose. Youre boosting her ego AND giving her the impression that shes done no wrong. Neither of which are intentional, but still, thats the result.

 

Her friends won’t talk, none unfriended me on social networks but said this chapter is closed.

 

Would you want your freinds telling your ex everything thats going on with you? Of course not. Theyre being good friends to her, and you honestly shouldnt expect them to say anything.

 

Anyone have any idea what is going on in her mind or tips for me other than do NC from here on out?

 

Well, its over. What goes on in her mind is irrelevant, it doesnt involve you anymore. In fact, she has someone else all together. I know you would like to believe that this guy means nothing, etc, but youre right, its just assuming. And we all have the tendency to 'fill in the blanks' for other people the way we want to.

 

You NEED to heal and get over this. Your only real choice is NC. Sorry, but there is nothing else you can do. You plead your case, and she wasnt interested.

 

Ignore her from now on, IF she contacts you. Honestly, she probably wont. Shes probably only responding out of guilt.

 

And no sending her postcards that are blank. That's manipulative and kind of strange to me.

 

Agreed. Stop everything. Just go in your own direction, dont worry about what she does. You dont need to say another word to her, just ride out in the sunset without looking back.