gavinus Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Basically my ex girlfriend dumped me after 3 years together. We have been apart now for 6 weeks. She dumped me because she blamed her anger issues on me, i.e. she said I made her so angry. Some days she would come home and be ok, other days she would get verbally, emotionally and now and then physically abusive towards me. This happened every few weeks. I told her it was unacceptable etc, she would cry, apologize then the next month nothing would change. I withdrew emotionally to protect myself. I told her I was never having a family with her while she treated me so bad when she was angry. She then dumped me. The thing that is driving me crazy is if I had left her would she have changed? It seems because she has now dumped me and is happier that justifies her blaming her anger on me because she is happier now as there is no one to push her anger buttons. It is hard because I supported her etc, I thought the right thing to do was not have kids while she was so angry and now I am hurting and alone, while she is great. How can I convince her that I was not the cause of her anger? Any help to let this go for me would be good, thanks
msjules Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 How do you know she is great? I think you're assuming something that you don't really know for sure. People who blame their behavior and feelings on others have what's called an "external locus of control". They feel others are in control of their personal destiny and not themselves. People like this are generally pretty miserable inside. There may be no one to push her anger buttons NOW, but there most likely will be in the future. You seem like an intelligent person. You surely know that you are much better off without someone who abuses you in every way possible. No one deserves to be treated like that. You must have been walking on eggshells every time you were around her, not knowing what would set her off next. That must have been awful.
Author gavinus Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 yeah it was, one minute I could say something and she would laugh, the next day I could say the same thing and she would get angry, but then she turned it around on me and said I was never open enough etc with her. Its hard because I got a text a week ago from her and she said shes doing great. I suppose I blame myself for the outcome of the relationship because in allowing her to treat me like that, that then said i was ok with it but my self esteem was slowly destroyed and I felt powerless to change it. In the last week I have actually felt anger towards her for the very first time.
msjules Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I know it doesn't always feel good to feel anger towards our exes, because it causes further emotional distance, but that's exactly what you need from this person. She is going to be toxic to whomever she's with, and thank God it isn't you anymore. One day you will be with someone who treats you better than she ever did, and you will see how much of a favor she did for you by ending the relationship. Maybe you got used to all the drama and turmoil that accompanies a person like your ex and now that she is gone you are feeling a bit of a void. Make sure to keep busy and work on improving yourself in small (or big) ways if you can.
Author gavinus Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 thankyou for your support I hope you are right, I feel a bit better
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